Chapter 28 Jude
jude
How did we go from my favorite Christmas to an absolute shit show? I thought we had been great. I thought we had time, but dammit, I was wrong. My lip trembled as I climbed into my bed, my head repeating everything Forest had just said to us.
I don’t stick around. Sterling Ridge was just a stop for me.
Sam and I knew Forest was drifter, that he moved from town to town, but stupidly, I thought that maybe we would be enough. The door slammed shut making me flinch. The house was quiet and my heart sank. They both had left me.
I pushed my face into my pillow that still smelled like Forest as my tears flowed freely. My heart ached as I let myself cry, hating that I was stupid enough to think that I could change a man's mind.
“Jude.”
I turned around quickly to see Sam getting in bed with me.
“Baby,” he said, reaching for me and I went into his arms.
“I… I thought you had left,” I cried.
“No, I wouldn’t leave you like this,” he said, wrapping his arms around me holding me close. “I just had to say something to Forest and then I realized there was no point.”
“For a moment I thought maybe we had a chance,” I muttered against his chest.
“Me too, Baby,” he sighed. “I knew once I said something about Toronto it might all crumble and maybe I was stupid to say something, but—”
I pulled back abruptly.
“It’s his loss,” I said, even though I didn’t believe my words. “We shouldn’t be afraid to say things to each other. He should have made things clearer; he should have pulled himself away or —”
“Did we push it?” Sam said softly. “Was it easier to go along with us than to cut us off?”
“Forest is a big boy, if he truly didn’t want us, he could have put the brakes on this entire thing at any time,” I snapped, getting angry. “He led us on, he should have told us, he should have—”
“He did tell us,” Sam said. “It was just fun.”
“He said that in the beginning, but things changed, Sammy; you know they did,” I said, grasping at straws. “We spent most of our nights together, at least you guys did, and we did when I wasn’t working, you want to tell me that’s casual?”
“I know it isn’t, but what do you want me to say?” He sounded defeated. “Where did he get that we were moving away if I got signed again?”
“I don’t know,” I said, trying to think who would have told him that.
“Was he right, though? Have you always loved me?” Sam stared at me.
“Have you always loved me?” I took the coward’s way out because I didn’t have the guts to say it.
“Since college,” he said, the words I never would have imagined he would say.
“What the fuck, Sam?” I snapped, my heart pounding so fast that I felt like I might pass out. “Are you serious?”
His cheeks grew red as he looked away, biting his lip.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I grew angry. “That’s ten years, Sam!”
He flinched at my outburst.
“We wasted ten years!” I got up from the bed feeling irrationally angry.
“Jude.”
“I can’t believe this,” I said, pacing in front of the bed. “Ten fucking years.”
“Jude.”
“You didn’t say anything, but you never showed anything and so I didn’t see it,” I said quickly. “Gosh, this is what I get for being scared, but you, you always go for what you want. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Jude.”
“God, I can’t fucking believe this and it took fucking Forest for—”
Soft lips stopped my rant, and Sam deepened the kiss immediately, wrapping his arms around me, pulling me flush against him.
“Yeah, I waited ten years to be able to do that,” he said against my lips.
“But why? You're always a go-getter,” I said, kissing him softly. “Why didn’t you say anything sooner?”
Sam appeared uncomfortable and looked away as his cheeks grew red.
“I overheard you talking to Gracie one day when she asked you about a football player,” he said, pulling away, but I kept holding onto him. “You said you didn’t date dumb jocks and you didn’t have patience for them.”
“Sam,” I said, hugging him tighter. “You were never in that category."
“Well, I was a dumb jock who barely passed his classes, and you had to tutor me a few times,” he said sadly.
“I only said that because she kept pestering me about him and his friend who was on the baseball team and—” I sighed. “I didn’t know what else to say.”
“Fucking hell,” Sam chuckled. “Are you serious?”
“You remember Darren? The wide receiver?" I asked.
“Oh god,” he grimaced. “He was such a douche, I would have said the same thing. He tried kissing me once and I swear it was more saliva than anything.”
“That’s gross, he looked like a bad kisser,” I said, shivering. “Gracie said he had a huge crush on me and I had gotten bad vibes from him, so I said the first thing that came to mind.”
Sam shook his head. “Are you saying we pined for each other for years because I heard you say something that was not true?”
“Yeah, I guess so,” I chuckled.
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” He kissed my forehead.
“I convince myself if you had feelings for me, you would have said something,” I murmured. “You were always a go-getter and if you wanted me, you would have told me.”
Sam sighed. “You’re right, I was going to ask you out until I overheard that conversation. I was confused for months because I thought you were flirting with me.”
“I was. It was so disappointing when you took Shelby to homecoming instead of asking me.” I pursed my lips, remembering how crushed I was to see her on his arm.
“She hounded me for weeks until I said yes,” he said solemnly, pushing us to the bed so I could lay down. “I was about to ask you when she asked me, and I said yes because I didn't want to embarrass myself. I think a rejection from you would have crushed me.”
He got into bed along with me, pulling me closer. How many times had I dreamt of us doing this? I nuzzled my face against his bare chest, taking a deep breath of him.
“I wish we could go back in time and said something,” I said, kissing his chest.
“I do and I don’t,” Sam said. “I don’t think I was worthy of you back then.”
“What do you mean?” I sat up. “You are everything—”
“No, I wasn’t. Younger Sam was a little shit, and I think you would have gotten tired of me,” he said, cupping my face and pulling me down. “I wasn’t ready for you and now that I've lived a little and we’ve pined for each other for so long, I know you won’t get sick of me.”
“I never got sick of you,” I said. “I’ve loved every part of you. Immature, silly, angry, focused and most of all, I’ve loved my best friend throughout all these years.”
Sam pulled me down, kissing me fiercely. I straddled his lap, needing to be as close to him as possible. We kissed like we were in a rush until we slowed down, enjoying each brush of our tongues and grinding on each other just like Forest and I would do.
I pulled back abruptly, looking up as my lip wobbled.
Damn Forest. Sam rubbed my thighs up and down, giving me comfort and space without me having to ask for it.
It would be so easy for us to be Jude and Sam.
I could go to Toronto with him. I don’t know if I could be a firefighter there, but— My mind quickly remembered the conversation I had had with my siblings and them telling me to go with Sam if he got signed with a team and how Forest acted when I found him by the kitchen. He had to have heard our conversation.
A tear rolled down my cheek. “I think Forest heard our conversation on Thanksgiving.”
“What do you mean?” he asked, sitting up.
“Fuck.” I cried as a fresh wave of tears blurred my vision.
“Someone said if you got signed, I should move with you, that it was about time we got together. He must have heard the conversation and felt, I don’t know, like a third wheel?
Especially if he kept hearing that it took us forever to get together.
You think this influenced his decision?”
“Maybe. We don’t know, Forest always talked about the different places he worked and lived, so his leaving isn’t out of character,” Sam said, anger lacing his tone.
“If you heard I loved someone else for years, don’t you think that would bother you?” I asked, feeling very guilty. “He looked sad when I saw him by the kitchen like something was bothering him, but the idiot didn’t say anything.”
Sam was silent.
“I think I would feel extremely jealous. I felt jealous and angry when I knew something had happened between you guys,” I said, remembering that night at the bar when I had put two and two together.
“He was jealous,” Sam sighed. “Forest was possessive, even if he said it was casual. Shit, but he had no reason to be and all he had to do was talk to us.”
“Talking to us made it real,” I said, running my hands through his hair. “What is he running from?”
“I don’t know,” Sam sighed.
“Maybe we should go talk to him?” My chest felt tight with anxiety.
Sam shook his head. “No, at least not now. We’d be talking to a wall. You know he’s stubborn as hell.”
“Is this it?” My lip quivered. “Not that I’m saying you're not enough, I just—”
“I know what you mean, I feel it too,” he said, grabbing my hand. “I love you, but it's us all together that makes it work.”
I nodded. “I love all of us together.”
“Me too, Baby,” Sam whispered. “Let’s give him a day or two to cool off and maybe we can try and talk to him again soon, remind him why we all work together.”
“Are you moving to Toronto?” I asked. “It might make our conversation easier if we knew what life might look like next year.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I don’t know if I want to sign,” he said with uncertainty. “I like my life here, but a part of me wonders if I will regret it. I've been playing for most of my life and now I have a second chance. I'd be an idiot for not jumping at the opportunity, right?”
“No, it makes you human,” I said. “Our wants and needs change all the time and well, you've changed.”
“I was hoping today would go better and give me better insight on what to do,” he bit his lip. “I didn’t think it would trigger all of this.”
“It was bound to happen, you heard him. He made his decision,” I said.
“No, I think it was me who put the nail in the coffin,” Sam said lying down. “I changed his mind, gave him an easy out.”
I couldn’t argue with that. Forest was a coward hiding behind Sam’s signing instead of just telling us he was leaving. I curled up against Sam, wanting to take away his guilt, but I knew he wouldn’t listen.
My heart ached for my men. Not even twenty-four hours ago, I was the happiest I had ever been and now I had no idea what my life would look like in the new year.