Chapter 29 Forest
forest
The cabin felt cold and foreign. A day after my fight with Jude and Webber, I started packing up my place, not that there was much to pack. I kept my place pretty empty, but I hadn’t realized how much Jude and Webber had left at my house and how much it had started to look like a home.
Most of their stuff was already in a box, behind a door, because if I looked at it, I would want to go see them.
My chest ached with the need to be with them, touch them and comfort them.
I knew my words were awful yesterday. I said them because they would get the job done and if I didn’t, then this would drag on, and we didn’t need that.
A clean breakup and we would all move on.
That's what I kept telling myself; that's what I needed to tell myself or I would go back to them crawling and begging for forgiveness.
Even after a long day at work, where I made sure I exhausted myself, they plagued my mind.
The small unsure glances Jude used to give that turned into confidence and then demands.
He had changed so much in the small amount of time we had been together.
I loved seeing him turn into this confident man who demanded what he wanted and had no problem telling me or Sam anything.
Then there was Sam. My grumpy hook-up who seemed lost and on the verge of giving up, but I couldn’t let him become me: bitter, hating life and a shell of who he was until…
he came here. Sam scared me because he reminded me of myself in the beginning.
I didn’t want him to become jaded, Sam deserved the best from life. They both did, but that wasn’t in me.
I grabbed the glass of whiskey I had been sipping on and threw it at the wall, watching it shatter like my heart felt at the moment.
My lip trembled as I bit down on it trying to reign in my emotions.
Everything was chaos, I wanted to stay and leave.
I needed Sam and Jude like I needed the sun, the rain, the wind and the clouds.
I wanted to feel their warmth, their laughter, their sadness and the days they needed me to get by.
Never had I ever felt so right with anyone.
I kept trying to tell myself that this was different than before, but no matter how much I tried to convince myself, memories of me losing everything for the person I thought had loved me still haunted me.
The wall had a divot from the impact as rivulets of whiskey trickled down the wall. I couldn’t take being in this house any longer and there was no point in me staying here. Sterling Ridge was just a stop, and I needed to get out now.
I left the house, walking out into the cold early evening, I walked to my destination hoping I would calm down, but the walk did nothing to ease my chaos, it made it fester.
When I arrived, I knocked on the door.
“Hey!” Nova opened the door. “Damn, could you smell the brisket from your house?”
She chuckled, but quickly stopped when she noticed I hadn’t laughed with her.
“?Que paso? ?Estas Bien? ?Por qué no tienes chaqueta?”
What’s wrong? Are you ok? Why don’t you have a jacket?
I shook my head. “I need to speak to Theo.”
“Forest, what happened?” She closed the door behind her.
I shook my head, my throat getting tight with emotion.
Nova and I weren’t extremely close, but we had this thing that I didn’t have with anyone else.
We had this kinship because of our Hispanic backgrounds, Catholic upbringing and the food we grew up with.
I couldn’t explain it, but it was something we bonded over immediately.
It was an understanding we had and I loved it.
I had never found it with anyone else I had met on my adventures.
Just thinking about leaving her and her comfort food brought me to tears.
“Forest,” she said in her mom tone that told me I better tell her what was wrong.
“I’m…I’m leaving,” I whispered.
“What? Why?” She touched my arm, searching my face for answers.
“It’s time,” I said, my voice cracking.
“What happened with you guys?”
She didn’t have to say who the guys were, I knew who she meant.
“It’s time for me to go,” I whispered, looking down, hiding my emotions from her.
“No mames,” she snapped.
Are you kidding me?
I continued to look down, ashamed.
“Forest, don’t bullshit me. What happened?” She pushed my chin up, scolding me like I was her child.
“I’m serious, it's time for me to go,” I said, trying to keep my emotions under check.
“That sounds like a bullshit excuse, and you know it,” she said. “You looked so happy at Thanksgiving. I've never seen Jude so happy, or Sam, and you did that.”
“Yeah, I brought them together to make them happy,” I snapped. “Look, it was never going to work out, they have each other and that's all that matters.”
“Eres un estupido,” she said in exasperation.
You’re an idiot.
“They have each other, Nova. They don’t need me,” I said again.
“You really think that? With all the longing looks Jude gave you and those big ol’ puppy eyes Sam made for you,” she scoffed.
“You really must be blind if you think they only need each other. If they worked so well together then why did they only work well when you were in the picture? Why didn’t they get together years ago? ”
“Because they’re idiots?” I shrugged.
“No, because you are the missing piece, the piece they needed for them to make sense and if you can’t see that, then maybe it’s best you leave,” she said disappointedly. “I don’t know what you’re running away from, but—”
“Don’t assume you know me,” I said, trying not to snap.
“Then don’t assume you know them either,” she quipped. “If you don’t know if they would rather be with you, then you shouldn’t assume you know what's best for them. Anyone could see how happy all of you were together.”
She opened the door and left me alone with her words. I didn’t know if she was going to get Theo and I stood there for a moment contemplating knocking again. Honestly, I wouldn’t doubt Nova leaving me here to stew in the verbal ass-whooping she had just given me as my punishment.
She was a next-gen Mexican mother. She didn’t beat my ass, but left me with words that left my mind verbally beaten with a lot to think about.
Damn Millennial mothers.
I was getting ready to knock when Theo and Colt opened the door, my heart fell out of my ass because I would have to do this in front of both of them.
It was going to be hard to do it in front of Colt, but both of them were going to kill me.
Damn Nova, she knew what this was going to do to me. That woman was a menace.
I deserved it.
“Hey, are you ok?” Theo asked.
“Did you get into trouble?” Colt asked warily.
“I’m fine and no I didn’t,” I said.
“Where the hell is your jacket?” Colt asked.
“Look, I’ll make this quick,” I said, rubbing my hands vigorously on my jeans to warm them up.
I hadn’t felt the cold with my thicker flannel shirt on until now, and my hands were sweating a little more now that I was more nervous.
“Shit, you're leaving, aren’t you?” Theo asked.
“Fucking hell, seriously?” Colt looked between us. “Is Webber going with you?”
“Uh…yes, I’m leaving and no, Webber isn’t leaving with me,” I said, surprised they didn’t know he was leaving for Toronto or that Jude was probably going with him.
“When are you leaving?” Theo asked.
“In a few days, but tomorrow will be my last day working,” I said, feeling guilty and like shit for leaving them high and dry.
“Are you serious?” Colt snarled.
“I know it's last minute. I got a job offer in Texas and it's a good one,” I said.
“More money?” Theo asked.
“Among other things.” I shrugged.
“How much do we need to give you for you to stay here?” Colt asked, as he looked at Theo.
“It’s not just about the money,” I said, my chest feeling tight with anxiety.
They studied me before Theo nodded. “It’s time for you to leave,” he said, understanding.
“What the hell does that mean?” Colt asked, confused.
“I don’t stay in one place for too long, and Texas is technically home, so it might be good for me to go back,” I said, even though I hadn’t seen my family in years, not that they wanted to see me.
“But you were doing so well here. Shit, you are with Jude and Sam, why the hell would you leave that?” Colt looked completely bewildered.
“I…”
“That’s none of our business,” Theo said immediately.
Colt scowled. “He’s leaving us without a fucking replacement. I think we deserve a—”
“He owes us nothing,” Theo said a little harsher. “Forest, we appreciate all your hard work, and while I would have liked time to find someone to replace you, I don't think we will ever find someone who is as good as you.”
I clenched my jaw, hating how amicable Theo was being; why was he being so nice? Colt was angry, rightly so, leaving without giving notice was a dick move.
I nodded, not trusting myself, keeping my head down, ashamed. Theo’s kindness made me feel so much worse.
“You don’t have to work tomorrow if you want to get going,” Theo said.
“I’ll work,” I said, my voice wavered and I cleared my throat. “I’d like to finish a couple of things I started.”
Taking a deep breath, I looked up at them. Colt and Theo were definitely two sides of the same coin. Colt was angry and Theo looked at me with nothing but understanding. It made me feel uneasy.
“Well, I hope you find what you're looking for, running away never solved anything,” Colt said, walking back into the house and turning around quickly. “But thanks for working for us. You were good…the best.”
Theo shook his head as Colt left.
“I really am sorry,” I said.
Theo shrugged. “Look, I’d hoped you would find a home here and stay, but I know a runner when I see one…”
Theo pursed his lips and took a deep breath, then shook his head.
“I hope one day you find a reason to find home,” he said.
“That’s not what you were going to say,” I said.
“I told myself I wouldn’t interfere with Jude’s life anymore,” he said, his expression hardening.
“I just hope you aren’t hurting my baby brother.
For once in his life, Jude was living for himself, and I never realized how much of his life he had wasted trying to take care of me.
So, while I want to intervene and protect my brother, I don’t want to make this worse for him, but please don’t hurt him.
Jude deserves to be happy and if he can’t rely on you, then maybe it is best that you leave. ”
His words cut deep.
“Thanks for helping the ranch become what it is today. You were a great worker, and I’d be a liar if… if I said you didn’t make it better,” he clapped my shoulder. “I really hope you find your peace.”
I nodded, too much emotion in my throat to say anything.
He opened the door as Sol’s laughter hit me, and he closed it without a backwards glance.
The emotions I had been fighting hit me full force.
Tears spilled down my cheeks as I realized I wasn’t leaving just Jude and Sam, but I was also leaving this small family I had been adopted into.
There would be no more family dinners where I ate my favorite foods with some of my favorite people, and no more little girl who brightened my day.
Everything would go back to cold dinners, solitude and an existence where I just tried to keep going.
I hadn’t realized that in Sterling Ridge, I had stopped trying to survive and I had begun to live.