Chapter 30 Sam
sam
Monroe College was empty as I sat in my car in disbelief.
I had a million things to do right now, but I was still in shock that I couldn’t get myself to move, to do the things that needed to be done.
Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I dialed Jude’s number immediately.
He should have been out of work already, but the call rang and then went to voicemail.
I immediately dialed Forest’s number without thinking.
It didn’t hit me that he probably didn’t want to hear from me until his deep voice told me to leave a voicemail.
I froze not knowing what to do, but I fucking missed him.
“Hi, uh, it’s me. I know you don’t care, but my first reaction was to share this with you.
Monroe College offered me a coaching position and I accepted.
I’m not leaving Sterling Ridge and if I’m being honest, I never wanted to.
The moment Miles told me, I wasn’t as excited as I thought I would be.
Then I immediately thought of what life would be like with you and Jude or if you’d even want me. ”
I sighed, rubbing my face.
“I don’t want hockey anymore, I want you.
You and Jude. Whatever that looks like, that's what I want. It’s what I still want.
I know you think that Jude and I will be fine together since we loved each other first, but we didn’t make sense until you came into the picture.
Jude and I don’t make sense without you.
That’s like asking peanut butter and jelly to be great without bread.
We don’t make sense without you. So, please can you call me back so we can chat in person?
Jude and I want to talk or it can just be me.
Don’t make me come to your house like you did with me. I lo—”
A soft click was all the warning I got that the call had ended.
I glared at my phone, hating that it had done this to me, but a little grateful it cut me off before I could tell him I loved him over the phone. What the hell was I thinking? This man just told me I was nothing more than a stop.
People only ever wanted things from me, but they never wanted to hold on to me or love me in return.
I turned my car on as I fought the bad thoughts, the ones I struggled with when I wasn’t feeling well.
My eyes stung with unshed tears. I needed Jude to call me back before my mind wandered even further into dark territory.
Not trusting myself, I called Romeo, my old teammate. The phone rang once before he answered.
“Webber!” he yelled.
“Hey, Gomez,” I said, feeling a little better. “How are you doing? How are you, Val and Riggs doing?”
“We are great. How are you?”
“I’m ok,” I said, trying to keep my voice neutral.
“We really miss you. It’s hard not to compare Bennett to you,” he sighed. “But we are finally meshing.”
“Damn, I miss you guys too. Best line I played with,” I said, feeling emotional. “I got a call from Toronto.”
“No shit, man. Really?!” he yelled. “Wait, you don’t sound excited.”
“I am—”
“But what?” He interrupted me.
“I think I might be done playing and I might have gotten an offer to coach for a D1 school,” I sighed.
“You looked pretty good teaching those kids,” he said. “You looked happy.”
“I can’t believe everyone knew I was helping these kids and I had no clue it was going around,” I said, shaking my head. “That’s how Toronto noticed me, they saw me skating and decided to take a chance on me.”
“I think you've made your decision, Webber, or at least it sounds like you have,” he said, and I knew he was right.
“Yeah, I think I just needed someone to see it too,” I said softly.
“Hey, what are you guys doing for New Years? We have a few days off and we want to get away from the city. Fancy hosting us?” he asked, as I heard commotion.
“We will probably head to the Boozy Bandit,” I said, remembering that was the plan we had had with Forest. “That's the local bar here.”
“Well, let me talk to Val and Hunter, but if it's ok, I would like to come see you,” he said.
My lip trembled. “Yeah, man. I'd like that.”
“Is everything else ok?” he asked.
“I don’t know man, but I’m hoping it will be,” I said, not wanting to get into the shit with Forest.
Gomez sighed. “I’m here if you need to talk.
I didn't stop being your friend just because we aren’t on the same team.
I know it's hard to keep up with each other while I’m on the road and I know I should have been a better friend while you were going through all of this.
I know it hasn't been easy and I’m sorry we—”
“No, I know once hockey starts, it's hard to think of anything else and you have Hunter and Val. You don’t have to apologize,” I said, getting more emotional. “I appreciate even the random texts you sent; it was nice to hear from you.”
“Well, maybe if we get time, we can go see you coach,” he said.
“Shit, if you want to come down for a practice and make these kids lose their shit it would be even better,” I chuckled.
“Damn, that would be cool; maybe I can convince Hunter,” he said. “We could play on the ice one more time.”
“Actually, if you guys are up for it, maybe we can swing a practice with the kids on New Years. our first line needs work,” I said, as an idea started to form.
“I’m down, but I might need to convince Hunter. I’m sure that won’t be too hard especially if I get help from Valencia,” he chuckled.
I laughed. “Well let me know and I can work something out, even if it's just my first line, but let me call and accept my job first.”
“Alright, Coach,” Gomez said, and it felt right. “I’ll let you know by tonight.”
“Sounds great. Bye, Gomez.”
“Bye, Webber.”
We hung up, and while I still felt a little chaotic, I felt better knowing what I was going to do with my life at the moment, even if I felt like nothing could move forward without talking to Forest first. I decided to make my way to the ranch in the hope of talking with him one more time, even if it was just to say goodbye. I needed this, we deserved this.
My hands were clammy as I pulled up to the old barn, figuring this was the best place to find him.
I called Miles on the way over here telling him to decline Toronto's offer and that I was officially retiring from hockey. He didn’t say anything, but I heard the disappointment in his voice.
Miles tried one more time to get me to reconsider, that one more year wouldn’t be too bad so I could still get re-signed and play for a few more years.
I said no with more conviction, and this time he believed me. I said no for me, for my happiness.
I would miss Miles and that part of my life, but the prospect of coaching was something new and exciting.
I couldn’t wait to do something different that kept me here close to Jude.
I still couldn’t believe we had been in love with each other for years and we had been oblivious of each other’s feelings.
All that time felt wasted, but we came together at the perfect time.
I had to believe that. There was a reason it had happened now and I wasn’t about to let him go, I just wished I didn’t have to let go of Forest.
I parked my car by Theo’s old house, wiping my hands on my jeans, trying to decide how I wanted to go about this.
Forest sounded like he had made his decision a few days ago, but was it because he wasn’t truly attached or because he was hurt about what he had heard at Thanksgiving?
He had to know that this relationship started because of him, he was the glue who had kept us together, and I worried what would happen when he left.
Maybe I needed to tell him that. Keep it simple.
I opened my car door, bracing myself against the cool air as I wrapped my scarf around my neck, closing my door. Snow had started to lightly fall as I made my way to the barn, nerves made me walk slower, even if I was freezing my ass off.
The barn was warm as I entered, and a slew of animals came towards me.
It had only been a few days since I had been here, but I missed my babies.
The kids were almost full-grown adults and the kittens were getting so big.
Sadie came for some love and I looked to see Triton not in his stall.
I walked over to Flynn Ryder who immediately nuzzled against me.
The thought of looking for Forest on the ranch sounded stupid. I couldn’t just get on a horse and go looking for him without knowing where he was and asking Theo or Colt for his whereabouts seemed weird or maybe…nope, they would ask questions and the last thing I needed was gossip.
Fuck.
There was going to be gossip no matter what.
Everyone knew something was going on between the three of us, especially Theo and Colt.
Dammit. Jude hated people knowing his business and who knows what Forest was going to say when he left.
Anger flooded my system as I punched the side of the barn and a tear slid down my cheek.
“Fuck!” I yelled, as the pain cut through some of the emotional pain.
Everything felt like it was closing in on me.
Useless, stupid, worthless.
Words that I constantly ran from repeated in my head over and over again. Was I not enough? Were we not enough? My chest ached as I wondered if I would ever be enough for anyone and the bad thoughts multiplied until I felt like I was drowning in a sea of them.
My phone rang, pulling me out of my inner turmoil, just enough to make me move to see who was calling.
Jude’s name flashed on the screen as I took a deep breath.
My hands shook as I tried to answer the phone.
Someone did love me and now that I had him, I would do everything in my power to keep him. I just had to be a better man.