Chapter 31 Jude
jude
Life doesn’t care if you're heartbroken. Time doesn’t stop and let you heal, then start back up again when you get better.
No, you have to go through life like your heart wasn’t hurting and do it with a damn smile.
Pretending everything was ok was the worst part; acting like everything was ok was killing me.
It didn’t help that today's shift was fucking awful.
The shift was chaotic, I didn't even get to sleep well.
We had three calls in the middle of the night.
All were accidents on the highway due to the snow, folks not being careful.
Just when I was about to leave, there was another accident, a trailer jack- knife.
There were casualties even though we tried so hard to get to the injured as quickly as we could, and the snow was not helping to get people to the hospital immediately.
I got back to the fire station, and everyone was quiet as usual after an accident like that with casualties. It weighed heavily on everyone like we could have done better or maybe we could have gotten there sooner. There were a hundred more reasons we could come up with.
I was still in the living room to decompress a little bit before I left. A few people joined me, finding comfort in numbers, we all just needed a minute to wrap our heads around what we had just witnessed.
“Anyone needs to talk, my office is always open,” Captain said, walking through the room.
We all murmured thanks. No one followed the Captain, but it was comforting that we knew he was there for us.
Bailey came into the room and sat next to me, leaning against me.
She only did this when something really bothered her.
It was gut-wrenching to know that a family was hurt in the accident, and I knew she was taking it hard.
One by one people left the room until it was just Bailey and me.
“Some days I don’t know if I’m cut out for this job anymore,” Bailey sighed. “That was heartbreaking.”
“Yeah, I know,” I said, putting my arm around her, squeezing her.
“I wished I had someone to go home to.” Her voice cracked. “To ease the burden, to make me forget and make me feel like myself again.”
“You will, Bailey,” I said, leaning over to kiss her head. I pulled her closer to lean on my chest as I squeezed her tightly again, wishing I could take her sadness away.
We sat in silence for a while until she pushed off my chest, wiping her face.
“I’m sorry, I’m keeping you from your men,” she said, trying to smile.
I shrugged, not knowing what to say. Sam and I had spoken, but I didn’t know where we stood without Forest. Could we survive without him?
“What’s that look for?” Bailey asked, as we both got up.
“Nothing,” I said, stretching my shoulder.
“You’ve been quiet, what happened? Is everything ok?” She followed me out of the living room and up the stairs to our beds.
“Things are ok.” I tried to be vague, not trying to catch myself in a lie.
“That sounds like a BS answer,” she said, getting in front of me. “What happened?”
“I don’t know,” I sighed, running my hand through my hair. “Things were great one minute and then the next Sam got an offer to play for Toronto and that sparked Forest to say he was leaving, and it all ended in a fight.”
“What do you mean that sparked Forest to say he was leaving? Was he not leaving before?” She pushed me to sit on my bunk.
“I don’t know.” I put my head into my hands. “He went off on a tangent that Webber and I could finally be together. Bailey, it was like we were this pressure cooker of problems and the day after Christmas, we exploded. I thought we were fine.”
“That’s usually how it is, everything is fine one minute and BAM.” Bailey smacked her hands. “Everything crumbles, but are you really that surprised that Forest is leaving?”
“No, but I thought—”
“That’s your problem right there, you assumed and you should have had a talk,” she said, grabbing my hand. “Go talk to him, tell him how you feel.”
“I didn’t tell him how I felt because I was afraid he would freak out and leave us,” I exhaled.
“Then, Darling, that's his problem not yours,” she said softly. “No amount of time will make a man love you. If he doesn’t think you're worth it, he won’t put in the time and effort.”
“I think that's what hurts the most,” I huffed. “I spent all this time falling for a man who never thought to give Webber and me a chance. We always had an expiration date.”
“I’m sorry, babe,” she said, throwing her arm around me. “Sometimes the men we want the most are always the ones that are unattainable. I hope he realizes what he is missing out on and I hope that one day he realizes what an absolute ass he is for letting you guys go.”
“I don’t know if he ever will, Forest is running away from something and I don’t think he will ever outrun it,” I sighed. “It’s like he has to have an expiration date everywhere he goes to protect himself, but from what, I don’t know, maybe an old girl- friend?”
“Or maybe he’s just a whore and likes a different man in every city,” Bailey said, with contempt in her voice. “Honestly, men do things for the weirdest reasons and sometimes it's for the most extra reasons.”
I raised my brow at her.
“No offense.” She shrugged, but she didn’t look apologetic. “What? Men say we are emotional, but I swear you are so emotionally inept that if y’all just let yourself feel for a moment and be ok with it, it would solve a lot of problems. Well, for most of you.”
“Toxic masculinity at its finest,” I murmured.
“Yup, you need a drink and so do I,” Bailey said standing up, holding her hand out to me. “Let’s get some food and a beer at the Boozy Bandit. You deserve it.”
“Bailey, I don’t—” She gave me a look that said get my shit together because I wasn’t getting out of this. “Ok, drink and food it is.”
Three beers, two shots, a burger and fries later, Bailey, Iris and I sat nursing our fourth beer.
We got to the Boozy Bandit and Iris immediately knew something was wrong.
She told the manager, Joe, that she wanted to take her lunch break, but that turned into not clocking back in.
Bailey and I brought her up to speed with my love life and now they were firmly on team, “Fuck Forest.” They even wanted to make shirts, which I vetoed but knowing them, I wouldn’t be surprised if they showed up with them on in the next couple of days.
“So, what about you and Webber?” Iris said, playing with the label of her beer.
“I’m assuming he’ll go play for Toronto and then I don’t know,” I said truthfully.
“We finally discussed our feelings and how we’ve loved each other since college.
It’s crazy how we've danced around each other for so long without us saying anything, but I don’t think we could go back to how it was before.
I know I love him, and I think I've fallen in love with him again, seeing a different side of him. But… Toronto is so far away.”
“You haven’t discussed it?” Bailey stared at me like I was a dumbass.
I scoffed. “No, we didn’t, not even after we finally got our feelings out in the open. I don’t know we felt, raw? We cuddled and slept because I had just come off a rotation.”
“You could leave with him,” Iris suggested. “You could do what we talked about at Christmas, finally be together.”
My stomach twisted at her words. Talking about that is what got us into this mess.
“I could, but—”
I didn’t know how to tell them that being with Webber without Forest was weird, it felt wrong.
“Forest isn't the glue that holds you together,” Iris said.
“He isn’t the reason you and Webber work,” Bailey added. “You and Webber have always been compatible.”
“I know we have, but the three of us together felt like home,” I said, trying not to sound defensive.
“Sam and I make sense, but with Sam, Forest and I, it felt like we were written in the stars. I know you might think I’m stupid for thinking this, Forest was just a fuck boy who came to our town to run away from something, but there were some days where Forest felt like he just clicked with us like a missing piece we needed to make us work.
He balanced us out and we did the same for him and just for a moment, it felt like everything was perfect… until it wasn’t.”
I took a deep breath, realizing a stray tear was sliding down my cheek.
“Jude,” Iris whispered, leaning over to hug me and so did Bailey.
I couldn't hold back the tears as they hugged me, letting them come so that after this I could move forward. The sound of a chair moving close made us all look at the direction the noise came from.
Sam stood in front of us looking just as wrecked as me. His eyes were a little red along with his nose and I hated that he was also in pain. Our phone call from earlier was quick and I didn’t know if he was going to meet us here, since he said he was at the ranch.
“Come on, big guy, your man needs you,” Iris said, getting up, pushing Sam to sit and I immediately went into his arms.
He wrapped me up in his big arms making me feel instantly at ease.
His scent and calm demeanor allowed me to relax.
Bailey and Iris said something to him, but all I heard was the rumble in his chest. We hugged for what felt like forever until I pulled away to look at him.
His hazel eyes gazed down at me with so much love, I didn’t know how I had missed it for so long.
“I love you,” I said.
At the end, if Forest was with us or not, that was still true. I loved my best friend, Sam Webber, and nothing would change that.
“I love you too,” he said immediately. “I’m not going to Toronto.”
“What?!” I jerked away from him. “What do you mean? It’s your dream. Is it because of me? Sam, don’t be stupid you have to go. Hockey is your—”
“Hey—”
“Sam, you love hockey.”
“I know, but it didn’t feel right,” he said softly. “It felt like I should want it, but I have moved on to better things and the thought of not being with you didn’t feel right.”
“Sam, you can’t give up hockey for me,” I muttered.
“Yeah, I can, but don’t worry, I’m also giving it up for me,” he said, cupping my face so I looked at him.
“I maybe have a few years left of hockey, if I don’t get injured, and I have a higher probability of getting hurt now.
It’s not worth the risk and being away from you is not an option when I know what it's like to wake up next to you most days. I don’t know what our future looks like, but I want to spend it with you. ”
“Sammy.” My voice cracked.
“I know I’m not Forest—”
“Don’t say that.” I interrupted him. “I’m not happy that he didn’t choose us, but I'd choose you over and over again,” I said with all the conviction I could muster.
Sam blushed, smiling softly. “Monroe offered me a coaching position.”
“Oh my god, they did?” I threw myself at Sam. “Congrats!”
He laughed as he caught me. “I was going to say no to Toronto, but when the school called, I took it as a sign.”
“So, you're staying?” I asked, still not believing it.
“I’m staying, Baby. Another hockey season away from you isn’t an option,” he said. “I know it's stupid, but I also thought maybe Forest might stay too.”
My heart hurt because I didn't think it was enough to make Forest stay.
“I guess there is only one way to find out,” I said, trying to stay positive.
“I was at the ranch earlier to try and talk to him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it,” he said, looking down. “I chickened out and felt pathetic.”
“You’re not pathetic, but if you want one last try with Forest, I say let's do it together and then we could say we did everything we could,” I said, even though I had a bad feeling.
“Ok.” He nodded as I pulled him in for a hug.
Sam relaxed in my embrace and we held each other, content to hold one another for a moment.
Sam paid for my bill as I said bye to my ladies.
I thanked them for everything, and they assured me they were here for anything.
They gave Sam and me big hugs, congratulating him before he took me to his car since I had had too much to drink.
It was late afternoon when we made it to the old barn, noticing that Triton was back in his stable already.
We drove to Forest's cabin, his truck was nowhere in sight.
Sam and I stared at the cabin that had held so many memories for us, like that first night where we ate together after we kissed each other.
Forest initiated that night like so many other nights.
I wanted to be so angry at him, but all I felt was a deep sadness for Forest.
Sam unbuckled his seatbelt, getting out of the warmth and I did the same, but something told me that we were too late. He usually left a light on, but the house felt empty. Don’t tell me how I knew, but Forest had left and he didn’t even say goodbye.