Skyler
It makes him think there’s something serious going on that Trevor wants to talk about, but he can’t imagine what it could be. And so far, Trevor’s only made small talk about work.
Trevor frowns. “No, of course not. Why would you think that?”
“There was something I wanted to talk to you about though.”
Well, fuck.
Before he responds, Skyler sets down his chopsticks and flips his hand over to take Trevor’s. He knew something was going on. “What is it?”
Trevor squeezes his hand reassuringly. “Nothing bad, I swear. I’ve just been thinking about this a lot lately. Not sure why I didn’t say anything sooner, honestly, but I was wondering...”
In the long pause, Skyler slides his hand free and grabs his chopsticks to take another bite of his salad, even though he’s suddenly not very hungry. Then, unable to stand Trevor’s hesitation any longer, he says, “Just tell me, please. You’re making me nervous.”
“Well,” Trevor tries again. “Since we got married, we haven’t discussed any plans for having kids. It was something we both said we really wanted back when we were still practically kids ourselves. But I’d like to know where your head’s at with the idea now.”
Oh, shit. This is because of that stupid interview last month.
Skyler was talking about the importance of queer representation in children’s media, so of course the hosts asked him if he planned to have children of his own.
And he wasn’t going to lie. He’s always wanted that.
But he needed to be diplomatic in his answer to try to avoid getting the rumor mill churning.
So he said that, while he wants it, he isn’t sure if having a family would be possible for him and Trevor with the way their lives are.
All the celebrity gossip sites latched on to his words anyway and spun them off in all different directions.
Some articles falsely claimed that he and Trevor were spotted visiting adoption agencies and surrogacy clinics, while others speculated that he and Trevor wanted different things and it was causing issues between them.
And while they’ve accepted the fact that there will always be people talking about their relationship now that they’ve made it public, Skyler knows it still sometimes bothers Trevor when people try to dig into the really personal stuff.
So he can’t blame Trevor for being upset that he accidentally sparked all these articles.
“Baby.”
His eyes shoot up from his tiny bowl to see Trevor watching him, concern that Skyler can’t really make sense of etched into his face.
“I’m sorry,” Skyler says, since that seems like a good place to start.
Trevor’s brow furrows. “Why are you apologizing?”
“Um. I know I could’ve refused to answer that question in my interview.
I shouldn’t have said anything. I should have known everyone else would start talking about it, and that you wouldn’t.
..” Skyler takes a breath, trying to ease his anxiety as he presses his thumb over the tiny flower engraved on his saki glass.
“I wasn’t trying to force you into having kids with me. ”
“Baby, what are you even talking about?” Trevor says. “I’m not mad about your interview. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Oh. Well, yeah. Logically, Skyler knew that.
But then why does he feel guilty about it?
He’s not really sure. He’s just sort of come to accept over the years that his dream of having a big family has become increasingly more unlikely the higher his level of fame has soared.
His lifestyle—touring all the time, needing a bodyguard practically every time he leaves his house—isn’t exactly conducive to raising children.
“I didn’t want you to think it was something I expected,” he tells Trevor. “I know it would be too much.”
“Why do you think it would be too much?” Trevor asks.
Skyler scoffs. “Come on. I’m not crazy.”
“Have I ever said you were?” Trevor’s tone is unfailingly patient, even as Skyler starts to feel petulant.
He tends to get this way whenever he really wants something that he knows he can’t have. And sometimes it’s easier to pretend he doesn’t want something, rather than admit that he does.
“How would we be able to have kids when we’re both so damn busy?
” he asks, raising his voice a bit too loudly for the empty restaurant.
Hopefully, the staff is too occupied in the back to hear him.
“You want me to have kids living in my home while I barely know them because I spend half my life flying all over the world?”
“Okay, hold on,” Trevor says calmly. “We don’t need to figure out all the details of how we’d make it work right now. I’m only asking if having kids is still something you want.”
“Well, it’s a stupid thing to ask.”
As soon as he says this, Skyler cringes.
Fuck. He’s being mean now, and he doesn’t want to be.
Trevor did nothing to deserve him acting this way.
Trevor did a sweet thing for him, making plans to have this restaurant shut down so he could bring Skyler here and they could have a nice night out together.
All because he knows Skyler loves this place.
Now, Trevor’s silence is loud, and Skyler glances upward, rather than face the disappointed look his husband must be giving him. There are strings of cherry blossoms hanging from the ceiling. They must be fake, but they’re still beautiful.
This restaurant is too pretty of a place to be fighting in.
Before Skyler can apologize for his immature remark, though, Mrs. Nakamura, one of the owners, appears from the back, carrying their entrees.
Skyler thanks her sincerely when she sets down his grilled octopus dish, and Trevor kindly assures her that they don’t need anything else after she places his ramen in front of him.
But the look Trevor gives him after the woman disappears makes Skyler squirm like his dinner probably did before it was caught. He glances down at the dish and realizes he’s pretty much lost all his appetite now. Which is a shame, because this poor creature shouldn’t have died for nothing.
He might need to look into becoming a vegan.
“I guess we should’ve had this conversation at home,” Trevor says, aggressively snatching up some noodles between his chopsticks. “I didn’t realize it would upset you.”
Skyler’s more embarrassed than upset now, but he doesn’t disagree when Trevor suggests they drop the subject for the time being and enjoy their dinners.
He doesn’t really enjoy his dinner, though.
His meal is incredible—the food here always is.
But he knows Trevor will want to keep talking about this at home.
So even while he engages with Trevor in a conversation about a feature Skyler agreed to do for a song on a friend’s new album, he’s trying to figure out how he’ll convince Trevor that he’s not upset about them not having kids.
Trevor already gives him everything. Skyler doesn’t need more.
He doesn’t.
It’s fine if he never gets to be a father.
The drive home only took thirty-five minutes, but it felt a lot longer considering the tension in the backseat.
Although Skyler and Trevor normally talk and behave freely around Mike and Hal, there are some things they don’t subject the security guys to.
Like sex (intentionally, at least) and fighting.
So Trevor spent most of the ride leaning forward to talk to the guys about some sports thing Skyler didn’t understand.
He barely acknowledged Skyler, which made Skyler feel so itchy in his skin that he had to fight the urge to scratch it all off.
But Skyler can’t blame him, because Trevor knows Skyler well enough to gauge his moods, and ignoring him was probably the safest thing to do.
In the car, Skyler wasn’t anywhere near ready to have the rational conversation Trevor’s looking for. He’s still not ready, honestly, but he loves his husband more than anything. The last thing he wants to do is fight with him, so they need to talk this out like adults.
He knows the conversation is coming as Trevor silently follows him upstairs and into their bedroom. To stall a minute longer, Skyler goes into their closet to change out of his clothes. He puts on a lightweight pair of sleep shorts and nothing else. His skin still feels kind of itchy.
When he comes back out, Trevor is sitting on the edge of the bed. His shoes are off and his button-up removed, but he’s still dressed in his slacks and black undershirt. Trevor pats the bed beside him, and Skyler obediently goes over, feeling a little bit like he’s being led to an execution.
God, he’s dramatic.
He climbs on and sits cross-legged—because if he perches on the edge, it’ll be easier to bolt if he doesn’t like where this conversation goes. And he doesn’t want to do that. No drama.
He’s not a teenager anymore. He’s more mature, and he and Trevor agreed they wouldn’t run from any problems they might have. Running from problems means running from each other, and Skyler will never run from Trevor again.
Although, he wishes they could simply ignore the problem and hope it goes away, rather than get it out in the open where they have to admit to it. So maybe he’s not that mature.
Angling his body Skyler’s way, Trevor asks him, “Can you please explain what’s happening here? Let me in on what’s going through that gorgeous head of yours.”
Skyler focuses down on his legs, at the lion tattooed on his thigh. For a moment, he imagines it coming to life and swallowing him whole so that he doesn’t have to dissect what he’s feeling. Because he’s pretty sure that what’s going through his head is fear. That’s what this comes down to.