Chapter 32
Julien
It was hard to get out of bed. I’d fallen asleep, but woke up shortly after. Then, I lay awake, waiting for Romeo to roll over so I could climb out and leave without waking him up. He’d been clinging to me as his life depended on it.
I leave him the letter that I wrote a couple of days ago, but before I go, I watch Romeo sleep for a while. It’s dark, but my eyes are adjusted. I want to touch him. To kiss him one last time, but I can’t risk it.
The sun rises in about forty minutes. I want to get out there and see it before I go. I want to feel its power—the blinding brightness.
That’s my god.
I toss on one of my older hoodies, pull on my shoes, and walk out of the tent, closing the tent flap behind me.
I’ve left everything behind. The only thing I’m taking with me is my ID, for when they find my body.
When I reach the overlook, I sit and dangle my legs off the ledge.
I look down, and my stomach does a little dip.
It’s pure blackness down there, other than the light blanketing over the horizon with the rising sun.
After researching the area, while making plans for this trip, I wanted a place with a steep drop into the canyon below.
It’ll hurt, maybe for a second, but then I won’t feel anything ever again.
My mind keeps tugging at me, like a loose thread from a sweater. The harder you pull, the more it’ll unravel. I try to yank it back, but it’s not easy. My heart and mind want to take me to those crossroads again, but I fight it.
I can’t live with it. I don’t want to. I shouldn’t fucking have to.
But I love him. I have for a while, but I didn’t feel the full impact of it until I walked away from him forever. Is my love for him strong enough to stay and suffer?
My eyes leak again. Always fucking leaking, like my body is trying to rid itself of all the poison that was forced down my throat. It’s cleansing, and it hurts. So fucking much.
Yeah, I love him.
Love and oblivion are waging war against each other. I’m not sure which one I want to win.
If I let myself love, there’s no guarantee he won’t leave or hurt me.
I easily had this little relationship with Romeo because it was only temporary.
Permanence is currently scaring the fuck out of me.
For a year, the last thing I wanted was any sort of permanence.
Everyone in my life has betrayed me, hurt me in some way.
Everyone but Romeo. That doesn’t mean he won’t end up like them.
My heart says, he wouldn’t do that. My trauma says yes, he would. I know there are no guarantees in life, except the one that’s in my hands. My own life. I can choose how I die and when.
“I’m supposed to be at fucking peace right now!” I yell into the void below, which echoes back, mocking me.
As the sun gets higher, I stand and brush the dirt off my ass for some stupid reason. Habit, I guess. As the sky grows brighter, my tears fall heavier until I’m a fucking sobbing mess.
My tired eyes sting as the light blinds me and heats my chilled skin. I close my eyes, feeling the sun crawl over me. It was supposed to feel good. Now, it’s become a countdown to make my final choice.
It will only take a couple of steps to drop below.
The fall will be scary. Maybe as soon as I fall, I’ll regret it.
I’ll claw the air, thinking it’ll save me.
But it will take only a few seconds, and another to register pain until it’s pure blackness.
Is there an easier, less painful way to kill yourself?
Yeah. But I needed this trip. I needed to feel alive, even just for a little while.
All I ever wanted for the past year was to die. All this planning, only to be derailed by unexpected love with a hooker.
Each time I try to move closer to the edge, I don’t. My feet are cemented in stone. Everything inside me now is screaming to go back to Romeo. To find a way to heal.
But Holt is in every fucking molecule of my body. He infests me. Corrupts me. I feel disgusted by it. I—
“Julien!”
My heart clenches, threatening to flatline me, whether I want to die or not.
I turn to face Romeo and amble in his direction. Instead of being upset that he’s here, I’m suddenly filled with even more love and gratitude. For the first time in my life, hope is winning out.
His hands are tight fists. His poor legs are bleeding from the knees. Tears stream down his face.
“You left! You didn’t let me say goodbye! And you lied… Oh, you liar, liar!”
“Romeo…”
He quickly reaches me, but he doesn’t stop his rapid pace. When we’re less than two feet apart, he slaps me hard in the face before I can register what’s happening. The pain reverberates straight to my teeth. I press my hand to my stinging cheek.
“How could you? How could you leave me with a fucking note, telling me you’re going to kill yourself?
You lied about dying from some… disease?
You… made me feel grief, thinking that you’ll die no matter what happens.
That I have no chance of being with you.
And I don’t want your fucking money! Asshole! ”
He’s so angry, and yet all I feel is happiness. He found me. I can’t stop smiling. Though he’s distraught, he’s so cute wearing only his underwear.
Romeo starts pacing and crying without looking at me. We both are, but mine are happy tears.
“You took me on this trip, knowing you were going to die after? And you didn’t think to tell me? You’re so fucking mean!”
“I told you I was selfish.”
He points to me and scowls before brushing away tears angrily. “Shut. Up.”
He found me.
Romeo’s the beacon.
Not the sun. Not the cliff. Not oblivion.
It was Romeo all along, and I was too fucking blind in my pain. Yes, I’ll suffer for him. Yes, I’ll deal with my broken, damaged soul for him. It’s all so clear now. I’m not so sure I wouldn’t have jumped had he not shown up.
No, I think I was going to choose Romeo all along. I needed to process in the quiet. I needed to face my crossroads. It was hard to fight against being so determined to die.
“That was so mean!” he yells again. “You dragged me on this amazing trip, we connected, you let me fuck you because you trusted me, we saved Nutmeg and Jinx… You saved me. And for what?” He stops pacing, faces me, and tosses his spindly arms in the air.
“Hmm? Just to get me to fall in love with you, and then to kill yourself? ‘Oh, I hope you had fun on this trip, Romeo, but now I gotta jump off a cliff.’ That was your plan? And here I thought you were fucking smart!”
He steps up to me and slaps me again. This time I expected it, but I didn’t stop him.
“I deserved that.”
“Stop talking!”
“You love me?”
He scowls so prettily and tries to slap me again. I catch his unchained wrist, so he tries to hit me with his other hand. I catch that one, too.
“I’m so sorry, baby.”
“I hate you.”
When I try to tug him against me, he fights it.
“You don’t.”
“I do. I fucking hate you.”
My arms wrap tightly around him while he struggles, but I’m stronger.
“No, you don’t.”
His body finally relaxes, and he tentatively holds me back. “I love you,” he sobs. “So much. If you leave, then I’m just going to have to come with you. I don’t want to be here without you.”
“I love you, too, Cupcake.”
He finally meets my eyes. They’re bloodshot and still leaking. “You do?”
“So much. If you leave, then I’m just going to have to come with you,” I mimic.
“Please stay with me. Don’t go. You can live happily with me. I’ll do anything to make you happy. Just don’t go. Please.”
“I’ll stay. I couldn’t do it anyway, and I tried, but you kept calling to me. And then you came. You were right here when I needed someone the most, like you could hear me when I wasn’t there.”
He nods on my shoulder and sniffs. “Something told me I had time.”
I let out a heavy sigh, and my hand slides up to his hair, fingering the silky strands.
“It’s going to fucking hurt. For a year, I planned for blackness.
I never planned to be here still. It’s going to be messy, baby.
We’re both so fucking broken. You deal with it better than I do, but you learned to survive at an early age. I never learned to cope.”
“I don’t care if it’s messy. Our lives have never been neat and easy.”
I huff a wet laugh. “You’re right.”
“We’ll find help together. We’ll heal together. We’ll love each other.”
“Sounds fucking scary,” I admit.
“I’m fucking terrified,” he giggles wetly.
“What scares you?”
“This… that I almost lost you. I’ll always worry that you’ll try again. But I’ll live with the terror because you’re worth it. What scares you?”
“Betrayal.”
“But I’d never betray you.”
“I know I love you. I do, but it’s still only been two weeks, baby.”
He smiles up at me and cups my face. “It’s been a lifetime for me.
If you’re saying we don’t know each other well, then you haven’t been paying attention.
When you told me to turn off ‘hooker mode,’ I instantly became myself.
You had all of me, all the time. I don’t have much, but I gave you everything I could possibly give. ”
I drag the backs of my fingers across his cheek. “And I’m such a liar.”
“You’re very much a liar, and I’m still super pissed about it. But you also showed who you were on this trip. I learned each day we woke up that I would be slowly falling in love with the real Julien Kendrick. Don’t ever fucking leave me again.”
I close my eyes and hold him tightly. “I’ll do my best. That’s all I can promise you.”
“Then I’ll have to take it.”
Romeo groans, pulls away, and bends down to look at his knees. “See what you did? I was in such a rush, I fell on some rocks.”
I squat and gently run my fingers on his legs, staying away from the wounds themselves.
“I’m so sorry, baby.”
I stay squatted, but turn around so my back is facing him. “Hop on, and I’ll take you back. The tent service should have a first-aid kit around.”
He climbs onto my back, then I stand and start hiking back to camp.