30. chapter thirty
chapter thirty
kiss me until i can't see why we're so wrong
I hadn’t been able to breathe properly until I got back to the dorm. Not since Ifound out where Finn was.
I’m surprised the door didn’t snap off its hinges with how hard I opened it, as I sprinted towards the bathroom and cupped my hands under the tap, drowning my face in the icy water, hoping it would shock me into remembering how to stay alive.
I thought I’d be okay. I thought I would have gotten a grip and be fine aboutbeing in a hospital again. But I was far from okay. I couldn’t see straight as those lift doors opened and Goldie asked me where his room was. All I could do was picture myself, back on my death bed, scared to death of losing everything as the lights above me flickered in my vision before they all turned to darkness.
It was stupid of me to hope that no one had noticed, but I saw the worriedglares, some from the girls, a few from Finn, but mainly from Goldie.
I walked over to the window and cracked it open the best I could, the cool airfrom the rainstorm filtering into the room and clearing the sweat from my forehead. I let my hands rest on my knees as I panted, as though the air was becoming harder and harder to catch the more I remembered that night.
I suddenly felt myself slip into a state I wasn’t sure what to call. It was asthough thick barbed wire had wrapped around my heart, piercing it in every corner and flooding my body. What felt like piles of bricks were dumped in my head, making it heavier than I knew what to do with. The tips of my fingers tingled, the sensation trailing up my arm and stiffening my shoulder blades, freezing me in a state of pure terror.
I was petrified, and there was nothing I could do but sit through it.
My voice was fighting its way out after God knows how long of whining andgroaning. I fisted my hair, frantically pulling at the damp strands, hoping it would relieve the pain. But it was useless. Everything I did was useless.
Somehow I’d drifted to the floor, my heart pounding against my knees thatwere tucked into my chest, my silent tears soaking the tops of them. After a minute of existing in the quiet pain, I felt the sensation fade, relief and peace taking over from the hell that had possessed me. But before I could sit in the light, there was a knock at the door, then another, and to save me from standing, I shouted at whoever it was, “Not right now.”
“Tristan?” Her voice was soft, laced with delicate worry. Knowing it wasGoldie outside made me smile—only a little one, but I’d take any smidge of happiness right now.
“It’s open,” I barely said, but a second later the door was opening, and Goldie’sgasp echoed around the room.
“Oh my… Jesus, what happened? Are you okay?” She rushed, and she sliddown to where I was on the floor, her hands frantically checking me over.
"I... I have no idea.” I shook my head as I said that, lifting my aching eyes tomeet her. Which was a mistake, because seeing how much panic lived in hers in that moment made my heart break. “Are you okay?” I asked breathlessly.
She rapidly smoothed my hair out at the crown of my head as her breathingbecame erratic. “I just…” She swallowed. “What happened at the hospital, what I saw when you... I could just see something was bothering you and when I got back to my dorm, I couldn’t stop thinking about you so I came back and…” Her gorgeous eyes were tear-ridden as she sighed. “I knew I wouldn’t sleep without knowing you were okay.”
She dropped her head as the words left her mouth, the sob that gutted meweaving between her words, right before I felt her shoulders shudder.
"Hey, hey hey,” I rushed, sitting up straighter and holding her face in my hands, ignoring the pain inside me. “Look at me, Marigold.”
In a flash, her teary eyes were on mine.
I nodded at her, if only to calm her down, stop her shoulders from shakingand the tiny tears stop falling. “I’m okay.” I lied, but this girl didn’t deserve to bear my pain. That wasn’t a burden she warranted.
Her head fell once more, as she sniffled, and then I knew I hadn’t done athing to convince her that I was okay. So instead I asked.
“What are you dreaming about, Sunshine?”
She lifted her head before I finished the end of my sentence, and, slowly, one ofher shaky hands rose to my face. She hesitated for a second, like she was weighing up the perfect answer, before she sucked in a breath and whispered beautifully, “You.”
Never had three letters stolen my breath before. But perhaps it wasn’t theletters at all, and instead it was the girl who spoke them.
Our eyes held for a moment, having the conversation that we didn’t have theenergy to speak. There was a veil over her eyes I hadn’t seen before, the kind that made her look anything but innocent. I drew the tip of my nose up the bridge of hers, a mirror of how we’d looked before, under the tree, dipping until our cupid bows were touching, promising something that I wasn’t sure if she wanted.
“Are we… supposed to be this close?” she asked, her voice barely audible.
I gave a small shrug, just as lost. “Not unless we want to be.”
Her head fell away from mine, only an inch, as her gaze dropped to my lips. “But what are we even doing, Tristan?”
“Honestly?” I whispered, the words tumbling out, raw and unfiltered. “I’m not sure I know anymore.”
Her voice was a breath, almost lost to the rain pelting on the window. "Who are we doing this for?" She shrugged, her eyes holding mine. "It's just us."
My thumb skated against her skin, the chill from outside blanketing it. "That's good enough for me to do whatever it is we nearly did at the park." I held her eyes. "If my phone hadn't rang, Gold's I would have never pulled away." She dropped my stare, but I brought my fingers under her chin and set her eyes on me again. "I can't pull away from you. I've tried and I can't. And I'm starting to think it's because I don't want to." I nodded. "Do you want to pull away?"
Before I could even let the question settle in my mind, her head shot up, and her lips claimed mine.
The contact wasn’t just a kiss—it was a lightning strike, a shockwave that set every nerve ending alight. It was the kind of spark that could burn a man down to his core and leave him begging for the flames. Time seemed to stutter, the chaos in my head silenced like it had been waiting for this moment all along.
Her lips were warm and soft, tentative at first, like she was testing the line she'd just crossed. Then, with a quiet surrender, she pressed deeper, bolder, as if daring herself to believe in what she’d started.
And that was it for me. I was gone, utterly consumed by Goldie—her taste, her warmth, the power she wielded over me without even trying. The pain that had been coursing through my body evaporated, replaced by something far more potent. It was as if I’d been yanked out of hell and thrust into heaven, all because of the way her lips fit so perfectly against mine.
As she kissed me again, wrapping those soft lips around mine, I threw cautionout the cracked window and threw my hands in her hair, fisting the golden strands that always fell effortlessly down her back. She seemed to like that, so I tugged a little more, earning me a whimper that I was sure had never been heard by the world before.
Her hands cupped the stubble on my face, worry spiking through me at the roughness compared to her hands, but I was soon distracted when she pulled away for a split second.
“Tristan,” She breathed as her eyes met mine, but our mouths were stillgrazing. “I’m sorr—”
Before she could utter that useless apology, I stole her mouth back, telling herall too well that there was nothing she should be sorry for in this moment. To send the message home, I slowly got to my knees, Goldie copying me, and before I knew it, we were standing.
We were a beautiful mess of damp clothes, wild hair, and breathless breaths,and I had a feeling it made a picture that would be priceless.
My hands slid down to the small of her back, and everything about the way our lips moved together made my stomach do flips. She felt just as I’d imagined during those moments when my mind had wandered, wondering what it would be like—how she’d feel under my hands, how her lips would taste. Things I never thought I’d get to know.
Every doubt, every worry faded into the background, overshadowed by the urgency of the moment. I pulled her even closer, feeling the warmth radiating from her body, the soft curve of her back fitting perfectly against me. This was raw, primal—everything I had wanted but hadn’t dared to reach for until now.
Then Goldie tugged me back to reality, biting my bottom lip just hard enough to send another jolt through me. I pulled back, catching my breath, my eyes locking onto hers.
I shook my head at her, teasingly, before leaning back in and gently biting her lip in return, the one she'd just claimed. “You really are something, Marigold,” I murmured, my voice low, a little unsteady.
Her laugh was soft, but it lit up the moment. And I felt it—whatever this was between us, it was more than I was ready to admit.
And before I could take a breath, before she could, I slipped my hands down toher thighs and lifted her, wrapping her legs around my waist and holding her in place.
Our mouths moved together in a rhythm I didn’t want to lose, each kiss drawing me deeper, locking me in with her. Every movement sent me spiraling further into a sweet oblivion where nothing mattered but the feeling of her, the taste of her. She was all I could focus on, and I didn’t want to come up for air.
She was a drug that I wanted to take, and not once was I scaredabout becoming addicted. She was all the good in the world wrapped up in a lace bow. There was a type of darkness that wasn’t the kind to be scared of; instead, I wanted to explore it and get lost in the footpaths.
It clicked in my head then that nothing I’d ever said towards thisgirl was pretend. Every time I held her hand, the feelings I felt were real. Every time I stared at her and felt like I was existing under the light of one of the world’s wonders, it was all real.
But… was it just as real for her?
The way she raked her hands down my back drew a groan out of me,and made every question about how she felt drip off my back like the last of the rain was.
I threw my head back, breaking our kiss. Goldie took that opportunity todiscover the skin on my neck, trace the lines of my tattoo with her tongue in a way that made me the closest to feral I’d ever been.
I brought my head back up and lifted my hand from the curve of her arse to theside of her jaw, skimming my thumb across it gently.“Don’t stop.” I practically begged.
She shook her head as a grin overtook her face. “I’ve never done anything likethis before… but it feels right.” Her shiny eyes met mine. “Does it feel right for you?”
I nodded without hesitation, blinded by her light. But once her lips fell back onto my mouth, as though the storm clouds that were hanging above the city had snuck into my mind, all the ways that this was wrong broke through and attacked the crumbling walls of my mind.
She just gave her first kiss to someone she thinks she knows, butreally, she’s got no idea. Would she regret this if she knew about London? Would she be kissing me this deeply if she knew why I was here in the first place? Would she curse me and swear to hate me for the rest of her life when she found out why I looked like that when she walked in?
If Henry found out about this, then she’d know in a heartbeat. If he’d somehowseen us at the park today, then she’d be shouting and screaming and calling me the liar that I am.
The light I was holding onto was slipping through my fingers right before myeyes, and the further I pushed her into the dark, the more doomed we were.
To her, this might have felt right. But to me, all I saw now was how I’d madeher believe I was someone I wasn’t. I was a fuck up. I was a mess. I was a guy who couldn’t even say the word ‘hospital’ without having a panic attack for fuck sake!
If this was going to stop, if I was going to protect her from me… then I neededto go.
If I stayed with her, Henry would tell my secret for me.
If I stayed, there was only a matter of time before my poisonseeped onto her.
But if I left, she’d be free to fall in love with someone who washonest, and true, and not someone who was lugging around the trauma that he thought he’d be rid of by now.
She believed I was leaving anyway, and maybe having prepared herheart for that from the beginning was the nicest thing I’d done.
Goldie’s phone buzzed in her pocket, so she pulled her head away, slow asanything, before I slid her from my waist to settle her high tops to the floor.
The blue light from her screen lit up the room, before she peeredup to face me.“It’s Rory,” she panted, wiping the remnants of our kiss from his lips. “I better go see how she is after… you know.”
I nodded, my breaths equally as lagged. “I know.”
Before she took a step back, her eyes widened, and her handsfound mine. Her head dipped once she felt just how much they were still shaking, before her eyes found mine again. “I knew you’d do it, by the way.”
My brows pulled as I tried to look for the answer in the swirls of her eyes. “Dowhat?” I asked, not thinking when I skimmed my thumbs over the backs of her hands.
Her head fell to the side as her lips glided open.“Keep my firsts safe.” One of her hands slipped from mine and cupped my jaw. “I can’t think of a single person who I’d rather have given that kiss to.”
You gave it to a liar.
You gave it to a reckless idiot who should have stayed away.
You gave it to someone you don’t know!
I tried my best to keep my smile in place, as she lifted on her tiptoes andpressed another kiss against my mouth, short and sweet, before her hands slipped from mine and she headed for the door.
“I’ll call you. Okay?”
I barely had the energy to nod, but she caught it just enough as her handreached for the door and pulled it open, the creaky hinges sounding as it softly clicked shut.
The door closing was my cue to slide back down to the floor and let my heavyhead fall into my hands, my breaths became frantic and my pulse tripled its speed.
I asked myself how I’d let it get this far. How all it took was a smileand her laugh for me to throw every hope I’d had about staying in the shadows out the window. I asked myself how she’d made the darkness the last place I wanted to exist, and treasuring the relationships I’d tangled myself up in was worth more to me than any record deal.
I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t think of anything that could save my futurewhile keeping the reality that I never wanted to escape. But there was only so much I could do when the tears wouldn’t stop streaming down my face, and the quiet sobs were the loudest thing I’d heard.
The only thing I knew was that staying here, surrounded by the lies and theblackmail and the constant fucking rain, was only going to rot me from the inside out.
I made this place my home, and right there was why I needed to go.
Regardless of the light I’d found, I didn’t think it would save me from catchingmy second death.
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