Chapter 17
CHAPTER
SEVENTEEN
SMACK
“What is wrong with you?” Phin demanded.
It had been a week since Caleb and I ended things—the longest, most brutal week. Erin arrived from the airport, cranky and sad about leaving Seattle early. I needed to put her first—that was all I knew how to do. But I went through the motions all week, fighting the urge to punch the walls. I thought about Caleb all the time. Was he okay? I should never have kissed him. I should never have started it or allowed my secret feelings for him to emerge. For a dizzying moment, being with him was like touching sunlight. And now, it was all darkness and it all fucking hurt.
The next day, it turned out Erin wasn’t just whiny—she did have the flu. So, that was great. I took a personal day and drove her to the pediatrician. Erin hated the medicine I bought and spit it out. When she cried, I felt like crying, too.
I cursed Dan for leaving me with all of this to deal with alone. And then I felt guilty for cursing Dan. I was exhausted by the nighttime, and Erin still had a fever, so I sat with her and watched cartoons because she couldn’t sleep.
I stumbled through the next day, somehow. All I wanted was to call Caleb. Hear his voice. Let the sound of him soak into my bones. But dealing with a sick little girl was a lot, even for me, so I was right not to put that onto Caleb’s shoulders. He wasn’t a parent and maybe never planned to be one. I’d made the only rational decision for both of us before the pain of a breakup was worse. I couldn’t drag Erin into that type of mess, and I couldn’t expect Caleb to bear the brunt of parenthood. He was still so young. He’d only gotten a taste of being free after Tanner when I’d swooped in and kissed him.
Oh, I missed kissing him.
“What do you mean?” I asked Phin. Phin had come to the house with a care package from him and James—chicken soup and a bunch of other things he’d yet to pull out of his shopping bag.
Only now, Phin held a loaf of bread that he was pointing at me like a gun.
“Don’t play games, Smack. What did you do to Caleb?”
“Why, what’s he said?”
“Nothing, not a word.” Phin poked the bread loaf toward my chest. “That’s exactly why I know something happened. You broke up? Already? Didn’t you? Don’t even deny it.”
I went quiet. Since I’d taken some time off to nurse Erin through the flu, I hadn’t set foot in the station. I’d hoped the gossip mills hadn’t discovered anything yet. That Caleb and I could deal with it in private for at least a few weeks. I should have known better. Firefighters loved to gossip.
“Caleb just works, but his eyes…” Phin’s normally relaxed face grew taut.
“Is he all right?”
He glared. “He doesn’t have the flu like Erin, if that’s what you mean.”
“We took a break,” I confirmed.
“You dummy.” Phin turned away from me and began to prepare the soup and slice the baguette.
“I can do that. It’s enough you brought it. Let me heat up that soup.”
“I need to keep busy right now.”
“It’s my house.”
“Smack, if I don’t focus on heating up this soup, I might slug you. And since you’re my boss and my friend, it’s not a fantastic idea.”
I stood with my hands in my pockets.
“That’s it?” I finally asked, dumbfounded.
“Captain, if you want to be the world’s biggest asshole, I can’t stop you.”
I flinched. “Maybe take your chicken soup and go.”
“Nope. James made it. So, I’m not going home to my husband until Erin has some of it and gets better.” He spooned some into a bowl and added the bread. “I’m going to go see my favorite little girl on the planet and give her soup. You think about Caleb.”
Phin went upstairs, and I sat down heavily in a kitchen chair.
“As if I have stopped thinking about him,” I mumbled.
This whole situation wasn’t fair to Caleb. I’d trap him into obligations that he never asked for. Probably had yet to even consider. We’d hurt each other far worse if I held him back from being free or if he couldn’t handle being with me… I’d done the right thing.
I chewed the ends of my thumbnail, a little confused that I could be right…and still be a major asshole.
Phin returned to the kitchen, carrying the bowl.
“Erin ate a little,” he reported. “She has some color, too.”
“She’s getting better. Thanks.” I smiled at him. “A visit with you must have cheered her.”
“No problem.” Phin put the bowl in the sink with a clatter. “I am awesome.”
“And thank James, too.”
“Yeah, he wanted to visit, too, but he’s up to his eyeballs in student essays. Oh, he did get a book for her.” Phin went to his bag and pulled it out. “ Paddington . James says the chapter books are good for kids her age.”
I nodded, a lump in my throat making it hard to reply.
“Aw, Smack. You look worse than Erin. And I don’t think you caught her flu.”
I gave him a bleak look and admitted, “I’m not physically sick, but I haven’t slept.”
“Why did you break it off with Caleb? I just don’t get it. He made you smile. Man, Smack, forget smiling. He made you glow .”
I hung my head. “With Erin unexpectedly home and the reality of everything hitting us, it wasn’t going to work out.”
“Shit, I was rooting so hard for you guys.” Phin sat across from me at the kitchen table.
“I was rooting for us, too.” I swallowed, fighting an urge to weep.
Phin studied me. “You want him back? It’s obvious.”
“Of course I want him. I might always want him!” I shook my head. “But wanting and getting are not the same things.”
“Does Erin not like him?”
“What? No. Who could dislike Caleb?” I gulped. “I’m looking out for Caleb—I know I hurt him, and I feel like crap about it, but it was for the best.”
“You keep repeating that. ‘It’s for the best. It’s for Caleb. He wouldn’t want the reality…’ So, what is the reality you’re protecting him from that’s so awful?”
“He’s not ready to parent, and being Erin’s parent is the one thing I can’t screw up. If I dated him and then…”
“Who said he must be a parent figure to Erin right this minute? Jesus. Way to jump off into the deep end, Smack.” Phin paused like he was thinking about his next words. “Look…you seem to think Caleb is some fragile guy who will run at the first sign of Erin having a tantrum or whatever. That’s not Caleb. He’s the guy who braved multiple operations. Who returned to work when anybody not as courageous would have quit and never come back.”
“This is different. I’m letting him go so he can be free to enjoy everything he worked so hard to get back and not be burdened?—”
“Oh, fuck me. Stop it! Caleb’s not a child. He’s a man who doesn’t need you making the decision for him.”
“He’s too sweet, though, and he’d never want to hurt me?—”
“So, you hurt him? That makes no sense. Sounds to me like a bunch of bullshit excuses. Maybe being a parent wasn’t in his plans, but things change on a dime. Who better than Caleb knows this? He doesn’t have to be a parent to Erin, exactly. He could start off as her friend. Build toward his role in her life.” Phin folded his arms. “And you must realize that it’s you who’s scared, not him. Be honest. Is the breakup over what’s best for Caleb? Erin? Or is it about your fears?”
“That’s ridiculous,” I denied. “I want to be with him.”
“That doesn’t mean you aren’t panicked at the idea.” Phin’s tone softened.
“I’m a fire captain. I know how to push those feelings aside.”
“Sure, we’re fantastic at staying calm in danger outside. It’s the danger inside we don’t handle that well.”
I was silent, taken by surprise. A hot sense of dread went through me. Was Phin right? Was it all just fear?
“James turn you into a philosopher now?” I grumbled.
“Nah, it’s not being married to the professor that’s led me to the psychological brilliance.” Phin grinned. “It’s AA. They make you face this type of crap. Speaking of my husband, I better be getting back to him. After he grades those essays, he’s usually in need of something fun.” Phin stood and gave me a sympathetic look. “Call me if you want to talk. Meanwhile, respectfully, Captain…get your shit together.”
After Phin went, I checked on Erin. She was curled on her right side, sleeping. I felt her forehead for any temperature. Thank goodness, she was nice and cool. Her fever might have broken. My sweet baby. I kissed her, then tucked the cover over her shoulders and turned off her light.
In a daze, I walked to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. The flu? No, I didn’t feel feverish or congested. I felt…gut punched. Wrecked.
I toweled off my face and went to my bedroom. Dan’s picture stared at me, his eyes suddenly looking sad and gentle. Reproving. “I’ll always miss you,” I told his photo. “I wish like hell that I could talk with you. You’d calm me in a way no one else ever could. And no matter who else I love, I’ll never forget you or let Erin forget.” I picked up the photo and pressed a kiss to it before placing it in the nightstand drawer. I picked up the phone.
“Mom.”
“Sean? It’s late for you to call. Is everything okay?”
“No,” I said.
Words came spilling out of me. About Dan, Erin, Caleb. I told her everything.
At one point, Mom interrupted with a “Slow down. I can barely understand you.”
“I can’t slow down. I’ve wasted so much time already.”
“Then stop wasting it?” Mom said.
I rubbed the bridge of my nose. “What if it’s too late with Caleb?”
“Sweetie, forget about what you think you should do. What do you want?”
“I want him. But?—”
“No buts. You are a good man, Sean. And I saw how Caleb looked at you.”
“What did he say about me?”
“Nothing specific. But he adores you. A mother knows. And you feel the same way about him.”
“I—oh God, Mom, I really do. This has been a horrible time in my life. Ever since I broke it off, I’ve known it was the worst decision I’ve ever made.”
“Relationships are messy. But anything can be fixed. If you both want it badly enough, you can. Sean, you’ve been through a lot. So has Caleb. Think about the positive here and not the negatives. You can be a support for each other; you can lift each other up—you can give Erin another person who loves her. What I’m saying is instead of being so afraid of change, try to embrace it.” She laughed. “That life changes is really the only thing we don’t have a choice in.”
“Thanks, Mom. I love you.”
“I love you, too. Call me when Erin is awake.”
“I will.”
I hung up with my mother. I’d thought my grief for Dan was mostly behind me, except for the sadness I carried that he was gone, but I had been mistaken. I had been afraid after such a loss, and I had hidden behind Erin and the comfort of my routines. I was ashamed that maybe I even used Erin as my shield, my reason not to attempt to change. I inhaled and looked at my phone.
Being in love felt so wonderful, but losing love, that was pure agony. I hadn’t even realized how much time I’d spent fretting and in fear of it.
Squaring my shoulders, I pressed Phin’s contact number. “You were right. I’m an asshole,” I said before he could speak. “Help me fix this?”