Chapter 18
CHAPTER
EIGHTEEN
CALEB
I managed to grow a plant on the small sunlit area of my balcony. Other than this win, everything else pretty much sucked. It had only been two weeks since Sean and I had ended things, and with the unbearable mid-July heat, I was going through hell. I blew out a breath, my hair in my sweaty face.
Luckily, Sean had taken personal time at work to be with Erin, so I didn’t see him there. He was due back this week, and although I had zero doubts Sean would continue to be a good captain, I wasn’t so sure my heart could take seeing him all the time. My plan—for now—was to continue to ask for shifts opposite to his.
I just wished my desire to see him had vanished. But each time I passed his empty office or heard his name mentioned, it was harder to breathe. I attempted not to show it, even as my toes curled in my boots and my stomach dipped. I carried on with the job. Rummaging through the rigs for a decent hose line or sharing jokes in the break room. I paid attention on calls, knowing how fragile each moment truly was. Fighting fires left no room for emotions.
My phone buzzed. For a second, my heart leaped with hope. But it was only Phin, sweet and loyal friend, texting: How u doing?
I typed, paused, stared at the text for what to say.
I was…not okay?
My heart was dry and parched like the desert?
Fuck, no. I appreciated Phin and James, Kamira, and some others asking me how things were going, but I had burdened all of them when dating Tanner, pulled my friends into my guy drama. And Sean was their boss, same as mine, so I wasn’t going to burden them this time.
I’m working on my balcony. Got some good plants , I texted.
Are u there for the next few hours?
Going to Home Depot for some plant stuff. Why? U free?
Maybe , Phin texted. Pin me when you are at HD.
Will do.
Despite my lingering feelings for Sean, I tried to reconcile that we would have to be around each other on occasion. On those rare times we did run into each other at work, I imagined how it might go.
I’d get hot on my face and would mumble a hello. Sean would greet me softly but keep going on his way. We’d be civil, professional. Sean never would make me feel in jeopardy at work. I knew he’d always remain a good boss. God, it would suck so much.
I missed him. Not Captain Smack—I missed Sean. The one only I got to see. I glanced around my tiny balcony. It was a narrow space with a sliver of direct sun. But the sun here was brutal.
“I’ll have to water you often,” I said to the plant, stroking a leaf. “I sincerely will try to keep you alive.”
After showering and dressing, I headed out. All the little things I missed about Sean crept into my thoughts. His tolerance of my zombie shows. How he made me breakfast. How he kissed me.
At Home Depot, I dropped Phin a pin for my location and texted him a place we could go for lunch if possible.
Bring James and the dog , I added.
Phin gave me a thumbs-up.
I wandered down the aisles of flowers, looking for a companion for my new plant and some fertilizer. I chatted with the nice lady who worked there about plants on balconies and how not to kill them.
I was near the exit of the garden area, where it was open to the parking lot, when I saw two familiar people coming toward me, and my heart froze.
Sean and Erin.
Erin was in cutoff shorts and a sparkly top. She had a big picnic basket in one hand, the other holding her dad’s hand.
Sean was also in cutoffs and a dark T-shirt that hugged his muscles. He was…fuck, so beautiful. My shocked heart began to beat like a drum.
“Hiya, Caleb!” chirped Erin.
“Hey,” I managed to reply, my voice thick. “Doing some shopping?”
“Sort of,” she giggled and looked to her dad.
I looked at Sean, too. With his eyes meeting mine, I found myself holding my breath.
“Phin told us where to find you.”
I stared, unable to process his words. Or the fact that they were here.
Erin opened the top of the basket and rummaged through it. “We got fruit, cheese, trail mix, donuts.”
“Wow.” I gave her a weak smile. “That’s some haul.”
“Yeah, and we’re going to a park with the best playground and—oh my God, Daddy!”
“What?”
“We forgot the drinks!”
“Oh.” Smack frowned before his face brightened. “I know, Erin. Why don’t you go to the cashier over there and grab some sodas from that cooler.” He dug out some cash from his wallet. “Get a bunch.”
“Soda? I’m allowed?” She handed Sean the basket and dashed off before he could respond.
“Bribery by sugar.” Sean shrugged.
When I remained quiet, he cleared his throat, gripping the basket so hard his knuckles turned white.
“She looks good. Happy.” I didn’t know what else to say. My brain had seized the moment I saw him in front of me.
We both glanced to where Erin was busy studying the soda choices.
“Yeah, she’s good. I’m the one who’s a miserable idiot.” Sean took a deep breath before turning back to me. “I’m so sorry, Caleb. I shouldn’t have pushed you away.”
“I appreciate the apology.” I gave a slow nod. “It means a lot.”
Sean nodded back, then seemed unsure.
“Go on, please,” I said, after what felt like hours. “That is, if you have more to say to me?”
“I do.” His eyes flared with something like hope, and he stepped closer to me. “Since Dan, I’ve never felt so much for somebody. And it overwhelmed me. I’ve also spent the last years focused solely on the job and on Erin. I told myself it was enough, only it wasn’t. But my knee-jerk reaction was to think first of Erin, not myself or how much I want this. How much I missed you.”
“Missed you, too,” I said quietly.
“God, I hoped—I don’t deserve your missing me.” Sean held out one hand. “Will you please come on a picnic with us? We can talk more?”
“What about my being around Erin?” I worried my lower lip.
“She’s stronger than I give her credit for, and she likes you just fine. It was all in my head. My worries magnified, and I was so dumb. I put it on her and how she might feel, but it was all me.”
“That’s understandable. That you worry for her, want what’s best for her. You’re a good dad, Sean.”
“God, you’re killing me being so damn sweet. Caleb.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “I fucked up. I’m so sorry.”
“I forgive you,” I replied softly. “I was angry at first. But then I thought about how much grief you carried over Dan and guilt. And how you are protective with Erin. And I know you hurt yourself as much as me, doing what you imagined you had to, right?”
Sean’s eyes flew open. “I—I wanted everything with you, but it all scared me. I lost so much before. I’m not a risk taker, not outside of the job. And I panicked. Not because I felt too little, but because I felt so much.” Sean drew a gulp of air. “I’m not always good with words. Or admitting I was scared—I don’t like feeling scared. And I wanted to make it up to you with some great gesture like serenading you under your window, but I don’t play guitar, and I sing like a bullfrog…”
“You’re not a music guy,” I teased.
He swallowed. “Yeah. But I would be for you. You deserve a love song, Caleb. You deserve all the love songs. So, well, I made a Spotify list with some of those songs you liked and a few of my favorites, so… Will you please come for a picnic with us? I promise the lunch is decent, even if you’re angry at the company.” He turned his hand, palm up, open to me.
I looked at it. I still couldn’t believe he was here, that this was happening. I inhaled the scent of dirt and flowers, taking a moment for myself.
Was this like when I took Tanner back? Another toxic cycle of breakups and reunions that I’d regret? Or was this the beginning of something real and lasting?
“And you can let me in? All of me?” I narrowed my eyes on him. “Because I’m not settling for less.”
My heart clenched, stomach dropping as I waited for an answer. But I was proud of myself. And I meant every word. I did deserve the love songs. More importantly, I deserved a partner who loved all of me and let me love all of him.
“Yes,” Sean murmured, his eyes shiny with unshed tears. “I promise you.”
“Then…Sean, I’d really like to hear that playlist.” I took his hand in mine. “And I want nothing more than to picnic with you and Erin.”
“Got some soda!” Erin raced to us. She opened the basket and added ginger ale and Coke. “And I spent all the cash. But I got extra for Caleb.”
“Thanks. I love ginger ale.”
“Me, too.” Erin beamed up at me. “Are we ready now?” She scrunched her nose at Sean. “It’s been hours of planning already, Daddy.”
I crouched down to her level. “Thanks for waiting for me, Erin.”
“That’s okay,” she said sweetly before adding, “but can we go?”
“It’s a beautiful day to picnic.” Sean smiled at her, but he did not release my hand. Instead, he gave his other hand to Erin.
And we all went on a picnic.
Erin wasn’t exaggerating about the park. It did have a massive playground. Sean had a picnic blanket that we spread out nearby, finding a small patch of shade. I ate some of the donuts, trying not to be anxious. Sean and I had made up, but we still had a lot to figure out. And I needed to have those conversations and not make the same mistakes I had with Tanner.
For now, though, sitting in the park, seeing him smile at me, my heart lifted. He’d made a mistake, but it was out of his concern for his daughter, not for selfish reasons. He wasn’t a man who took things lightly; I’d always known that much. The real surprise was me. How much I wanted to be here, with him and Erin, not avoiding my love life when it got difficult. Not believing I was damaged or wrong. Even if Sean hadn’t appeared before me today, I would have found my way through.
But I was so glad he was here with me. That I was here with them .
We toasted with the sodas, and Erin made me smile when she burped, even if Sean reminded her of good manners.
“Can I play on the swings?” Erin pointed.
“Sure.”
“Want a push to get going?” I offered.
“I know how to swing, Caleb,” she giggled. “I’m not some baby.”
She dashed off, and I looked at Sean. “She’s older than my nieces and nephew. I’ll have to learn the right things to do.”
“It’s fine. She actually likes a push on the swings. I think she’s showing off for you.”
“Really?” I glanced at Erin, who had a determined look on her face as she pumped her little legs harder.
Her determined face was all Sean.
My heart melted as I waved.
When I turned, though, Sean was staring at me, not Erin. “I want to make this work with you.”
“Then we want the same thing.” I smiled. “And I want to spend time with Erin and you. It hurt to think you didn’t want me to do that.”
“My thinking was backward that day. I should have let you in on my worries over Erin, not pushed you out. I worried letting you into our lives would be too painful a risk if you ever left. Now I’m thinking it’s worth the risk that you’ll want to be with us.”
“You’re wrong about one thing.”
“What?” Sean’s teeth sank into his lower lip.
“That it’s a risk. Fighting fires is risky. But me? I’m a sure thing. Because I have never felt like this about anybody else. I already adore Erin. And I kind of like her dad, too.” I stared into his blue eyes.
“Oh, God… Caleb, this should not be making me hot. But every word out of your mouth—” He snorted. “It’s making me so happy, but it’s also…turning me on. I missed touching you, holding you. I want to be with you,” he groaned. “Right fucking now.”
“I’m wearing my favorite thong.”
“But we can’t…”
“I know.” I stroked my hand over his shoulder. “But soon?”
Sean glanced back at Erin on the swings, then at me. “Soon,” he vowed, then lowered his voice to a rough whisper. “I plan to fuck you hard and long, kiss every damn part of you, suck you until you come deep in my throat, then hold you tight and make you mine.”
My insides became a gooey mess. “You better.” I arched closer to him, my cock thickening.
“Watch me!” Erin called.
We tore our gazes off each other, smiling her way.
He exhaled, leaning back on his elbows. “I’m a massive idiot, and I feel so damn grateful to have this chance with you. And here? Sitting near you? I feel like the luckiest guy in the whole universe. If I wasn’t trying to keep it together and be manly, I would cry from happiness.”
I reached for him, grasping his shoulders.
“Say it again.”
“What part?” Sean smiled, his eyes crinkling in the corners. “That I want to make love to you? Be with you? Or how happy you make me? ’Cause you do make me happy, Caleb. How could you not?”
“Oh God.” I drew a steadying breath. “Thank you.”
He laughed. “You’re welcome.”
“You make me happy, too, Sean. How could you not?”
“A million reasons. You could do so much better. I have baggage and all.” He shook his head. “But I promise I won’t mess this up. Or if I do, I’ll talk to you about it. I’ll let you in. I’ll fix it. I’m taking you with me every step.”
“Every step,” I repeated. “And I want that. I want to be with Erin, that sweet little girl. And with your mom. And with you.
“I…” Sean’s gaze moved over my face. “You’re so?—”
“I’m jumping off,” Erin shouted, startling us.
“Be careful,” Sean replied, his voice slightly hoarse, though he was still staring at me.
“I will!”
“Fuck,” Sean mumbled. “I want to kiss you—but I can’t right now.”
“I understand.”
He gave my fingers a small caress and let my hand go. “Can I see you tomorrow?” Sean asked.
I nodded, my smile bright, if wobbly. “I’d like that.”
“Me, too. I want to see you tomorrow…and tomorrow…and tomorrow. There will never be enough of them.”
“Hell. That’s better than any love song,” I teased him again, and he blushed.
We parted, and I wiped my eyes a little, but my heart was singing.