Chapter 5
Taking my inauspicious presence near Nandani was the last thing I wanted. It was time for the baby shower, and everyone had gathered while I kept myself busy in the kitchen.
“Suman,” an attendant called me, and I looked up from the curry I was stirring.
“Rani-sa is asking for you,” she informed, and I smiled, nodding.
“I’ll be there in a moment,” I lied. She walked away.
I couldn’t go closer to her. It was against the rituals, and although I didn’t believe in any of the myths, I couldn’t risk the baby, Nandani, or this family.
I’d sometimes explain my absence after the celebration ended.
Kneeling before the stone grinder, I added red chillies, salt, and garlic cloves. Since Daadi-sa loved red garlic chutney, it seemed like the perfect way to keep me busy.
I took off my bangles in case they broke before I started.
“Suman,” another attendant’s voice caught my attention.
“Daadi-sa and Rani-maa are asking for you at the celebration.” She laughed, “It’s really fun there. Everyone’s dancing.”
With a smile, I said, “I’ll be there soon. I’m preparing something special for Daadi-sa.” Then she walked away.
The third time I was called, I quickly finished my work in the kitchen and stepped outside to find a better place to hide.
While adjusting the dupatta on my head, I noticed some chutney had spilt on my bright yellow lehenga. It was a worn-out, faded dress. I sighed, trying to rub it off while walking through the corridor.
Suddenly, an arm wrapped around my wrist and I was dragged to the corner. My eyes widened, but the touch immediately reminded me of him, intensified by the scent of mild jasmine and spice.
“What are you doing?” I asked as he pressed me against the wall. I looked away from his green eyes and angled my shoulder against his chest when he tried to step closer and hide us behind the curtain.
“It’s been so long; everyone’s asking you to come to the celebration. What are you doing?” he asked in a low voice.
I gulped nervously, lowering my gaze.
Why did he care?
“I’m busy,” I replied softly, trying to walk away. His sudden appearance made me flustered.
“What are you wearing?” he asked after a moment’s pause. His voice was calm, full of concern.
“Clothes,” I replied, subconsciously pushing him away while consciously melting in his presence.
“Is something wrong? Why are you acting like this? Everyone was fine until the celebration. You took part in activities but didn’t make the Rangoli or come to the celebration… dance?” His last word made me lift my gaze.
“Hey,” he breathed, gently touching my chin with his fingertip to make me look at him.
A thunderous jolt surged down my spine when my eyes locked onto his. His brows knitted together, hair falling over his sweaty forehead, sharp nose, and lips curling into a nervous twitch.
“What is wrong?” he asked, voice low and soft.
“Nothing,” I retorted, pulling my chin back. He moved closer, causing me to retreat, and my left shoulder bumped against the wall.
“Then come with me to the celebration,” he said, holding my wrist. I balled my fists, stood my ground and shook my head.
“I can’t.”
He inhaled sharply as I withdrew my hand from his grip. A tear rolled down my cheek as I cast my eyes down.
“Why?” he asked, leaning closer to my ear, his voice merely a whisper.
My breathing shallowed, and my heart raced, feeling his presence so close: authoritative, consuming, yet uncomfortable.
“I just can’t,” I tried to say. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t see my situation. It wasn’t the same as before. I knew people weren’t aware that I was a widow, but I was aware of it. And I couldn’t overlook it.
“You’re hurting my Bhabhi-sa,” he said, and I gazed into his eyes.
“No, I can never hurt her,” my voice broke, feeling a lump in my throat, and my knees went weak.
“So you should be with her,” he said, pulling me out again as he held my hand.
“Kunwar-sa…” I shook my head. “Please, try to understand.”
“Make me understand,” His voice was deep and menacing.
“I’m a widow,” the words slipped out of my mouth.
“What?” he asked. The commotion of attendants running and laughing caught my attention. I looked away from him, trying to walk away.
But he held my hand and said, “Come with me.”
My eyes widened in shock, and I stood rigid, pulling my wrist from his grip.
“Kunwar-sa, please let go of my hand. What’re you doing?” I hissed lowly.
“Kunwar-sa, please,” I whispered firmly. “What’re you doing? And why do you even care? I can’t go in there. It is an auspicious occasion for Nandani. I can’t ruin it,” I said, and he looked back at me.
At the moment’s spur, I stepped forward, which caused me to stumble back and hit the pillar behind the curtains.
“I don’t believe in all this. Your presence is important to Bhabhi-sa; so you have to go there,” he said, pointing his finger at me, and I inhaled deeply.
“I can’t,” I repeated, staring back into his eyes.
He declared, “I’m serious; you have no option.”
“Yes, I don’t have a choice. My life is different now. And why do you even care?” I raised my voice slightly.
He stepped forward with an urge, and I shifted onto my toes, feeling his chest against mine. My heart raced in my throat. The anger in his eyes was evident, even though he was trying to conceal it.
“It doesn’t matter. You didn’t live with him, he didn’t care for you, and when the hearts weren’t one, how could a few rituals bind you together?” he asked, breathing over my face.
“No!” I blurt out, trying to calm myself. “It can bind us because I married him, and I am his widow,” I said, blinking nervously and pressing my hand on his chest to keep him away.
It wasn’t right. He shouldn’t have been with me.
His presence was making me weak. Oddly, I was beginning to question my own words.
“No,” he breathed, bringing his palm closer to my cheek. I turned my face away. The memories of the last time we got close, when he tied the holy thread around my arm, still lingered in my mind, and how he sent me away.
It was all a joke to him. I was a joke to everyone.
“Hey,” he called out, his voice dropping low, and before he could touch me, I pushed him away and walked past.
I noticed him following me as I paced faster through the busy corridors. A few attendants walked past me, carrying plates of flower petals, red powder, and ghunghroos23.
“Suman, where’re you going?” Reva asked, stopping before me.
I glanced back at him, who approached closer and took the powered red colour plate from Reva’s hand.
“Get another one,” he ordered, and my eyes widened in disbelief.
“Ji, Kunwar-sa.” She silently walked away, and I felt something dangerous was going on in his mind.
I immediately turned to walk as fast as I could. But he gripped my hand and pulled me to the side, behind the curtains.
Intensely gazing into my eyes, he asked, “You were saying something?” making my heart race. His words were provocative.
I gulped, staring back into his eyes, and pulled myself back.
“What are you doing, Kunwar-sa?” My breath hitched as he stepped closer, forcing me to step back, pressing my back against the wall.
He placed the plate on the flower stand nearby and brought his hand closer to my cheek. I shook my head to stop him.
Tears welled in my eyes, not because of his actions, but because he was so close that I might’ve ended up doing something we would regret.
“You can’t touch me,” I reminded him, turning away, lowering my gaze, almost pressing my cheek against the wall.
“Why exactly?” he asked, leaning closer, his face just a few inches apart. I could feel his warm breath on my face. The anger was evident in his tone.
“You know exactly why,” I whispered. “What are you doing?” I questioned in my breaking voice, and he sucked in a deep breath.
“Bhabhi-sa and everyone are waiting for you. I understand you, there is a battle happening in your mind, but whatever you think—”
“It’s not what I think,” I cut him off. “My reality is different, and I can’t be with—”
“Why?” he asked, gulping.
I gazed up shakily into his eyes. “I am a…” My words hung in my throat as I slowly drowned in the intense, wild waves of the green ocean that surrounded me, swallowed me, and added a layer of hope—
No!
“I am a widow,” I finished. If I had hoped, lives would’ve been destroyed.
“Seriously?” he asked, his gaze dropping to my lips.
I reminded him, “I should stay away from celebrations, colours, pregnant women, and marital rituals—”
“Happiness,” he cut me off.
I gulped, feeling weak in my knees. His intense gaze warmed my cheeks.
“Happiness,” my voice came out shaky.
I noticed his gaze fell on my bare feet before returning to my eyes. I blinked nervously, and my entire body shivered when his elbow bolted the plate of colours. It slammed to the ground with a metallic clang, splattering the powder across my face, shoulders, arms, and clothes.
I shut my eyes in fear.
“Oh, I’m sorry!” he exclaimed, prompting me to open my eyes and notice a few splatters on his jaw and a broad smile. “I’ll clean it!” He chuckled, hurrying his palm closer to my cheek, but I instantly pushed him away, letting a tear roll down my cheek, and sprinted away.
He was playing with me.
But before I could go far, he held my hand, stopping me. His grip glided from the length of my arm to my wrists, smudging it red.
I looked back at him.
His gaze softened as he said. “I’ll be responsible if anything happens to anyone in your presence.”
Inhaling deeply, I struggled to pull my hand from his. “I can’t take risks with anyone’s life,” I replied slowly.
He gulped, tightening his hold on my hand, and pulled me closer to him. I almost jumped, crashing into his chest.
“Nothing happened to me.”
“Should I wait for something to happen to you?” I asked, letting another tear fall. He was making it hard for me. I wanted him to go, but also wanted him to stay.
God… what is wrong with me?
“What will happen to me?” he asked.