Chapter 29 #3
I joined my hands, “I’m sorry. I know I made a mistake. I never wanted to hurt you,” I pleaded.
He shook his head. “You are not getting me, Suman. It’s not about you anymore.
It’s about me. I cannot give you anything.
It was not your mistake; you said what you perceived me to be.
And I know it’s my mistake; you only called me something I was, I am, and I always will be.
So, don’t make it more difficult for you.
I am not the one,” His voice was calmer than ever.
“You are; I am sorry,” I broke down in tears.
He smiled, shaking his head. “You are just being emotional. Give yourself time, and you will know I am not the one,”
He sat on the edge of his bed, and I couldn’t stop kneeling before him. “Please, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing. It’s just I was hur-”
“I am a manwhore, Suman,” he exclaimed, stunning me.
“I’m still the same person who hugged Rashmika.
And yes, I hugged her in front of everyone.
I’m still that same person—the cheater, flirt, and manwhore, with whom you can never spend your life.
Don’t make it difficult for yourself. It’s a ‘no’ from me.
There’s no love now. You made your decision, and I accepted it.
Now, I am deciding for myself; accept that,” he said, and I broke down in tears before him.
“I did not know. I don’t know; please forgive me, please,” I begged.
And after a few moments, he silently placed his hand on my head and kissed it.
“There is nothing to forgive, Suman. It’s just that I can no longer do this. I don’t want to be myself anymore. I have nothing left to give you. Please understand and leave.” He held my hand and helped me stand up.
I didn’t know how to make him understand I wanted him. I just got afraid that he might hurt me. It was wrong to focus on myself at that moment.
How could I have told him and made him understand that this wasn’t what I meant?
It wasn’t what I wanted. I was angry. I didn’t understand why I directed all my frustration at him.
I stood frozen, crying and watching him as he walked away and lay down on his bed, covering himself with a comforter.
I didn’t know what to do.
Watching him walk away tore my heart. It was something I had never experienced before.
I ran out of his chamber and went to my room, crying my heart out.
I didn’t know what to do. How could I hurt the person who cared for me so much? Hearing those things from him hurt me beyond.
After crying for a long time and reflecting on what had happened in the past few weeks, I realised I wanted him back.
I had to win his heart again; I couldn’t hurt us like that, especially when I knew how it felt.
I stood up and returned to work. I couldn’t lose hope; I would win his heart back. He had to love me in return. How could he say ‘no’ to me when he wanted me? He was crying for me just a week ago. I knew he was lying.
?????
The next day, I got ready, promising myself not to cry anymore and to fix my mistakes. I couldn’t afford to lose him.
After dressing in plain yellow attire, I entered the kitchen and began preparing for the day. I sent his breakfast with an attendant, and at lunch, I plated it and went to give it to him.
The physicians had advised him to rest and care for his wounds, so he was lying in Nandani’s chamber under the sunlight with the princess.
It must be over now since I said ‘no’ once, and he did, too. His anger seemed to have subsided. But he wasn’t talking to me, so I seized the opportunity to get him to speak.
Smiling, I took the lunch directly to Nandani’s chamber.
He was lying on the carpet under the sunlight, savouring grapes with Princess Rudraja.
Bracing myself, I stepped closer. He looked dangerous and intimidating, with his hair trimmed.
“Papaya, you know, people say the sun remains steady while we revolve around it,” he told Princess, who moved her head. He gently patted her, and all she did was coo.
I couldn’t help but smile, walking closer and placing the plate before him.
He glanced at me briefly as I sat beside them.
I placed my hand on Princess’s belly and smiled at her.
“Ah, what are you doing, my princess? Are you enjoying the sunshine?” I asked, and she flapped her hands happily.
He gritted his teeth and made the princess look at him. “Hey, papaya, say Kaako-sa.”
I sighed and attempted to speak, “She’s too little to say anything. She’ll start talking after a year or two,”
He lifted his gaze to me. “Pucha humne? Humaari bhateeji hai, buddhi teevra hai inki.” “Did I ask? She’s my niece; her brain is brilliant.”
I smiled at the princess, ignoring his arrogance. “Come on, Princess, it’s time for milk, right?”
He gently touched her stomach and tickled her, asking, “Please tell me you’re not hungry, baby.”
Suddenly, Nandani interrupted, “Stop, both of you,” she said, walking closer and picking up Princess in her arms. “Rudraja abhi bahut choti hain; apni bina sar va peir ki baatein inse door rakho.” “Rudraja is so small; keep your nonsense away from her.” she added.
Kunwar-sa gritted his teeth angrily at me.
He stood up; I did as well.
He stepped forward to walk away; I stepped forward to block him.
He looked at me. “Raasta kyu rok rahi ho? Jaane do humein!” “Why are you blocking my way? Let me leave!”
I furrowed my brows. He tried to step past me, but I stepped forward to block him again.
“Hum kahaan rok rahe hain? Aap hi idhar-udhar ho rahein hain.” “I’m not doing anything; you’re walking back and forth,” I said, holding back my laughter.
He brought his hand closer to my neck, and I immediately pulled away, widening my eyes. “Apni patni ki hatya karenge aap?” “You’ll kill your wife?” I whispered.
He gritted his teeth with frustration, warning in the same tone. “Dekho hum dawai ke nasha mein hain; humaare sir par mat chadho.” “See, I’m under medication, so please don’t irritate me.”
I lowered my gaze to the plate, responding innocently. “Hum bhala apne patidev ke sir kyun chandege?” “Why would I trouble my husband?”
He sighed, closing his eyes. I didn’t know why, but I enjoyed irritating him as he had initially irritated me.
“Main apni smrutiyaan gava chuka hoon.” “I’ve lost my memories.” he exasperated.
I narrowed my brows, stepping closer. His eyes widened in shock, and I noticed his gaze lowering to my lips.
“Hum le aayenge,”
“It’s okay; I'll bring them back.” I promised him innocently, staring into his dark green eyes.
Silence followed as he whispered over my face, “You’re wasting your time.” His intimidating gaze weakened my knees.
But I affirmed, “Hum haar nahi maanenge.”
“I won’t stop trying.”
He took a faint breath. “Aur humse aaj tak koi jeet nahi paaya hai.” “And no one has ever beaten me.”
The danger was evident in his voice. This wasn’t a joke or raillery. He was serious, more serious than I had ever seen him before. He was beyond angry, hurt, and heartless.
I gulped as he turned away. But I would win him back.
Agastya Dev Singh was mine.
I knew I hadn’t told him everything. But he had to accept me because I couldn’t imagine being without him. His rejection slit my heart. His ‘no’ was more brutal than blades.
I returned to work and asked an attendant to take his lunch. He wouldn’t eat if I took it, and I knew he was stubborn. So was I. I didn’t meet him afterwards; for days, I tried to talk to him, but he ignored me.
He spent most of his time with Princess Rudraja or alone, always busy. He avoided his chamber, knowing I would seek him out. Instead, he strolled into the garden, spent time in Prince Ranvijay’s chamber, and returned at night. He was recovering quickly, and each day, I felt more impatient.
But my patience snapped when I learned Ranaji had asked him to marry Princess Rashmika.
Everything had happened because of her, and then the wedding?
I had two thoughts. First, Kunwar-sa had nothing with her, and second, there seemed to be something between them, like a soft corner or perhaps something deeper.
And I was in the middle.
The thought alone made me restless. I was trying hard to fall asleep, but couldn’t. Throwing the comforter aside, I sat up, wishing to be in his chamber. But, he must’ve been sleeping at this dark past midnight.
But I had to talk to him, too.
Regardless of everything, we shared a history, and I refused to let my efforts go in vain.
Honestly, I was confused, but deep down, I knew I couldn’t avoid him. I could be angry, upset, frustrated, or anything else, but his face was something I wanted to see every day.
I realised it only after he returned from the war. It changed something in me.
Inhaling deeply, I palmed my face.
You are a lost cause, Suman. I had to see him.
Giving in, I wrapped a shawl around and left for his chamber.
I knew it would be concerning had anyone witnessed, but I couldn’t care less; I had already gained fame among the attendants and overheard their gossip about me.
Proceeding through the corridors, I arrived at his chambers. The soldiers standing outside glanced at me and halted my progress.
“He is resting. You cannot go inside.”
I inhaled deeply. “Dekho, humaara unse milna atyant aawashyak hai; humaare jeewan ka prashn hai,” “See, I need to see him; it’s about my life.”
They looked at each other.
I added, “Do you know how difficult it is for a woman to be used and then ignored by a man? He used me, and now he’s acting as if nothing happened.
You both are complicit in this by preventing me from going inside.
” I lied. I had no other option. It crushed my self-respect, but at this moment, he was important.
The silence followed before one of them gulped and stepped aside.
“But remember, he must not fire us.”
I stepped inside, and my gaze first landed on the empty bed. Then I noticed the dim lighting. I scanned the room, but he was nowhere to be found.
“Kunwar-sa,” I called out, stepping further in.