Chapter 29 #5
“I mentioned it to make my point, and that hurt you. Imagine what I went through when the only person I trusted, to whom I told everything about my life without wrapping it in gold, did not even try to listen to me for once, for even once, Suman,” he drawled.
I blinked silently, comprehending what he meant.
“That is the problem. If we are together, you’ll never believe what I say; you’ll always think based on your understanding.
You would trust your perception of me. And that perception is a manwhore who would cheat on you and be constantly whoring around.
No matter how much I try to prove myself, you will always have this doubt.
And I don’t want that. I don’t want you to suffer from these doubts and hurt yourself because of me.
You deserve a man, a virgin man; it doesn’t matter if he loves you or moves mountains for you; you would be happy and satisfied if he had no past with other women. ”
Shaking his head, he added, “Trust me, that is the only kind of husband who can keep you happy, or else you should stay single, and either way, forget about me. Let’s keep your matter aside.
I don’t want a woman whom I must explain everything to, rubbing my nose on the ground she walks to prove myself.
I’m done with you, Suman. Get it into your head,” he ended calmly, making me gulp.
I watched him walk away, and tears streamed down my cheeks.
I yelled back in anger. “Fine, I will marry Bhan Singh then,”
I gritted my teeth and watched him disappear. I burst into tears and shook my head.
Wiping my eyes, I walked out. I watched him take his overcoat from the couch and quickly leave the chamber.
I immediately ran after him and grabbed his hand.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
He turned to look at me and cupped my cheeks, urging me to meet his gaze. The sudden effect made me shift onto my toes.
Tears filled his eyes, and he gulped before speaking. “Suman, this is just going to hurt both of us. Please think and give yourself time. You’ll figure out what you want, and that’s definitely not me.”
I shook my head. “But you are the one I need,”
He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against mine.
“With time, you’ll know,” he said, stepping away from me. “And don’t worry. I won’t do anything that will hurt you. And never think there was or will be anyone else in my heart. If it’s not you, then it’s no one else.” Saying that, he walked away.
I let the tears flow down my cheeks, trying to steady myself. My breaths grew deeper.
After crying my heart out, I wiped my tears and walked out after he left.
?????
For a few days, I was furious and distraught with him. I couldn’t believe he left me alone when I cried and begged him to stay. I needed him the most when I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I needed him to hold me tight.
I was waiting for him to return. Days turned into weeks; it had been over eight months since he had gone.
After a few months, my anger faded, and I returned to my everyday life. The smile that had once vanished from my lips slowly returned with the events unfolding in the palace.
Princess Rudraja was growing up. She began eating solid food and became a bubbly, stubborn, and active child. When Nandani would be tired, I would take her with me. Unknowingly, she always reminded me of her Kaako-sa.
I spent most of my time talking, laughing, and playing with her. Her birthday was approaching, but not just yet.
Kunwar-sa had been in Mehrangarh since he left, while Princess Rashmika had been in Suryagarh. At Ranaji’s request, they both refused to marry.
Meanwhile, I found women could develop romantic feelings for other women. I was initially shocked to learn about it.
But Nandani explained it to me, and then I understood that Princess Rashmika and Kunwar-sa never had feelings for each other. She loved someone else, and that someone was a woman.
After knowing that, I felt foolish. Very, very silly.
I wish I had listened to Kunwar-sa that day and had believed him when he said they were just friends.
But let bygones be bygones.
Surprisingly, after he left and after all the time I spent alone, missing him—emotionally, lovingly, and admiringly—I realised something different within myself.
Now there was peace. It was so still.
After he left me, I understood what had happened to me. I learned that despite telling him I would never judge him or that his past wouldn’t matter to me, it did because I had feelings for him. I was developing feelings for him.
When I married the first time, I also told him that his past didn’t matter to me. I was a happy girl then; I didn’t know what heartbreak meant. I didn’t realise that my dead husband held so much power to break me.
But when I told the same thing to Kunwar Agastya, I wasn’t a happy girl, but a suffering woman who knew what this man could do to me. That’s where my insecurity and distrust grew.
Unknowingly, whatever he told me about his past, I placed myself in the shoes of the women he slept with and left. But I failed to understand that it was consensual, since those women didn’t want more from Kunwar-sa either.
Meanwhile, Kunwar-sa didn’t share all that to hurt me or make me feel like one of those women.
I failed to understand that he confided in me because he sought comfort. He wanted to lighten his burden and make me feel more important. He wanted me to believe that I deserved to know the truth.
However, I made a grave mistake and did things I would’ve never done to anyone else.
I was so caught up in my fear of getting hurt and pushing him away that I ended up hurting him. Nandani was right. I made it all about myself when it wasn’t about me at all.
He was always helpful, loving, caring, and responsible toward me.
And I ended up comparing him to my dead husband, which he was not.
I was measuring this one parameter between them. The term ‘manwhore’ was traumatic for me. I couldn’t focus on anything else when it penetrated my mind.
I couldn’t think beyond or less than that. I couldn’t grasp how or why Kunwar-sa was sharing this with me.
And genuinely, I was wrong. He was not.
I didn’t trust him when he repeatedly insisted that Princess Rashmika loved someone else.
I believed my own eyes, trusting only what I thought would bring me pain.
With my eyes, I also saw him caring for me, fighting for me, loving me, making me happy, laughing with me, and bringing joy to my life. However, my insecurities made me focus on other things I had seen.
I could have handled it better.
Over these months, I understood that, like me, he had gone through something traumatic and unhappy events in his life. Even though my experience was more painful, it didn’t mean his was any less.
Still, he remained there to protect and care for me, never making me feel wrong about myself.
Now, I was happy. I discovered what was wrong with me, and I was working on it.
I realised too late that the problem was not in him, but in me. If there had been any other man, even someone who had never been in a relationship with a woman, I would’ve reacted the same way.
So I didn’t need to taunt him about his past or make him feel bad about it.
But I think he knew. He knew what was happening to me. Thankfully, he left, giving me time to reflect. If he had been here, I would never have understood what his presence meant in my life or what his care, love, and affection were worth. But all in all, things were getting better.
Another three months had passed, and Princess began to speak a few words, though they were not coherent.
She was beautiful, and there was another piece of good news: Princess Aishwarya was two months pregnant, and Kunwar-sa was not aware of it. He was busy implementing new rules and policies in Mehrangarh and looking after the kingdom.
Princess Rashmika seemed happy, but I still did not know who she loved.
He was infrequent in his letters, sending them only to Ranaji. Nandani asked me a few times if I wanted to call him back. She told me he would return if she asked Ranaji to bring him, but I declined. I tried to respect his decision, just as he respected mine.
Honestly, I missed him very much.
It was the Princess’s first birthday the next day. I knew he would come, not for anyone but for her. After all, she was his favourite child. I felt a strange happiness bubbling inside me. I was under my comforter. It was past midnight, and I couldn’t sleep anymore.
I didn’t know what I would do when I saw him or how he would react to seeing me.
Would he still be upset about it? Would he be happy to see me? Would he be missing me, too?
I envisioned him with longer hair. His trimmed look intimidated me dangerously. I didn’t know if he would ask me if I was okay, and what was happening to me.
I couldn’t sleep all night, feeling butterflies and knots in my stomach. I left bed early, and even the attendants woke up before me. It was a celebration in the palace: the princess’s first birthday.
The palace was filled with many guests. King Abhinandan and his family had arrived, and even people from Songarh came. It seemed like a grand celebration was underway. But my heart was fluttering for one man.
“Suman,” Nandani called me, and I turned to look at her. “Are all the guests’ rooms ready?” She asked, adjusting the dupatta on her head after putting the princess back to sleep.
I nodded with a smile. “Yes, all are ready.”
She walked toward me and hugged me gently before cupping my cheek. “Kunwarsa Agastya will arrive today, so get ready,” she said, and I smiled, shaking my head.
“It’s fine. I’m okay,” I said, returning to continue making the laddoos I had prepared with the attendants in the courtyard of Nandani’s chamber.
The entire kitchen was in chaos. I didn’t know why, but I didn’t want his attention anymore. I was content with this.