Suman
With my flushed cheeks, I looked back at the mirror to see myself again before heading to the door. But my gaze lingered on the faint red bruise on my neck. My fingers brushed over it, rubbing my skin in anticipation, which made me inhale sharply in confusion.
This was unexpected.
Did something happen?
I lowered my gaze to check my hands, legs, back, and shoulders, and aside from this bruise, there wasn ’ t a single mark on me, triggering a memory that clouded my mind.
His lips were on my neck.
The intensity of his breath, the grip of his hands, and the warm moisture between my legs—everything felt both too fast and too slow. It seemed like we had spent just a few moments together, yet my memory captured every detail in thousands of images.
His swollen lips, lustful green eyes, the touch of his fingers on my core—everything was overwhelming.
"!"
Daadisa's voice pulled me from my thoughts. I gulped nervously and moved towards the door. I draped my Dupatta over my head, trying to cover the bright red mark with the hem.
Inhaling deeply to muster courage, I placed my palms on the handle and opened the door.
Daadisa's eyes shifted from frustration to shock, then quickly to awe.
Her eyes filled with tears as she cupped my cheeks and kissed my forehead.
"You look breathtaking. Forget this soldier; let me find you a Prince,"
A wave of laughter swept through the attendees watching us, tightening my heart with her words. The laughter faded from my mind, but I forced a smile onto my face.
"Come with me,"
She said, leading me out and asking me to sit on the couch.
I watched her retrieve minimal jewelry for me, a beautiful smile gracing her lips. She sat beside me on the couch, extending her hand to hold mine. Starting with the bangles, she said,
"I know it didn't go as planned last time, but nothing is more beautiful than having hope,"
I silently gulped and bit my lip.
I understood that hope could be beautiful yet also bring immense pain, often more than reality itself.
"Hope is beautiful, Daadisa, but when it shatters, the world feels too big to escape. It feels like being trapped in a box, suffocated. Trusting again becomes incredibly difficult,"
I attempted to explain slowly, and she lifted her gaze to meet mine.
"I know how it feels when hope dies. I was married to him, spending my life managing the Kingdom and politics while he was busy with the same until his last breath. When everything started to settle—the children married, grandchildren blessed our lives—I thought we would enjoy our old age in peace, but he left me alone,"
I lowered my gaze, listening to her. Her fingers trembled with the frailty of old age, yet hope shone brightly in her eyes.
"And when I was finally recovering from his loss, making peace with life again, Raj left us,"
She continued, tears welling in her eyes, and I felt a lump forming in my throat. I gently held her hands, caressing them slowly.
"But sometimes, we are so consumed by the wildfire that we fail to realize it brings new seeds to grow, new lives to begin, and new greenery to flourish in our lives,"
She smiled weakly, and I tried to smile back.
"You are too young to give up on life, . You did your best. While he was alive, you stayed by his side, even when he chose someone else over you. You never cheated, disrespected, or hurt him. Now that he is gone, there is no burden on you, and you are young enough to believe in love again,"
She said, and I inhaled deeply at the mention of the word 'love.'
Painful memories clouded my mind, dark clouds filled with pain, horror, and sacrifice made me clench my fists.
"What if it ’ s not love again?"
I asked timidly, meeting her eyes. Her brows furrowed.
"What could it be then?"
She asked, her voice slow.
"A need, attachment, attraction—anything that feels short-lived. What if it's just a thread tying us together from each end, making it impossible to escape each other yet also impossible to leave together?"
My throat felt tight as I spoke slowly, and she swallowed quietly, gazing at me.
"That's exactly what I meant when I talked about giving life another chance. You will never know until it happens. Trusting once is easy, but giving another chance is the real battle—not against others, but within yourself. You will constantly judge that journey, whether it ’ s a person or life itself, watching every step so closely that you ’ ll miss the essence because you ’ re too busy critiquing it to feel the happiness it can bring, "
She said, leaving me too stunned to respond. The image of his face and green eyes blurred through my thoughts. Maybe Daadisa was right; I had been too rigid in my thinking and closing myself off over time.
Perhaps I should place my trust not in individuals but in life itself, waiting until it leads me to him.
I nodded silently, and she smiled, gently touching my head.
"Come with me,"
She didn ’ t ask me to wear anything but bangles. I took the dupatta and adjusted it over my brow. Honestly, I felt nothing—absolutely nothing. Not even a hint of excitement. I knew where I belonged, even if the doors were closed.
I walked out with her to a meeting hall where couches were arranged throughout the space. I noticed a tall man standing as we arrived.
"Please, be seated," Daadisa said, and I helped her sit down on the couch. She held my hand, pulling me closer to sit beside her.
I remained silent as they began to speak.
"Pranam, Rajmata," I heard a deep voice, and Daadisa replied, "Pranam, Bhan Singh." She turned slightly towards me. "This is ," I couldn ’ t help but bring my palms together to greet him.
"Ji, Pranam," he responded slowly, and I heard a woman beside him ask Daadisa a few questions about me, to which she replied politely. Daadisa was a humble woman; she knew that if she ordered him to marry me, he would, but she wanted the best for me. That ’ s why she was putting in extra effort to build this relationship.
And suddenly, she said, ", take him inside and ask him whatever you want to." My eyes widened in shock, and I sat in silence, immobile.
She elbowed me a little, and I gulped nervously, standing up. He also stood, and I clenched my fists, silently walking inside, hearing his footsteps follow me.
I looked around to see if Kunwarsa Agsatya was there. I didn ’ t know if he was too angry to do anything.
"Umm, are you comfortable?" I heard him ask slowly, and I turned to look at him, nodding slowly.
"Please, have a seat," I managed to say, gesturing towards the couch as I watched him sit down.
There was a long pause before he began.
"Um, are you happy with this marriage?" he asked in a quiet voice, and I bit my lip nervously.
"Please, sit down; you don ’ t have to keep standing," he added, and I walked over to the other couch across from him and sat down.
"I have to tell you something," I managed to say, but my voice came out slow and a bit hoarse. The heat Kunwarsa Agastya had left me with still warmed my head, and I felt a slight soreness between my legs, making me shift a little on the couch.
"Yes?" he prompted, his voice slow as well. I clenched my hands to gather my strength and managed to say slowly, "I can ’ t marry you."
There was a long, awkward silence until he asked, his tone upset, "Oh, why? If you ’ re comfortable answering."
I blinked nervously. "I ’ m already tied to someone," I said, trying to keep my gaze steady. He frowned in confusion.
"Married?" he asked. I swallowed hard and shook my head.
"Not exactly," I replied.
"Will you keep this between us and deny the marriage? I can ’ t because I respect Daadisa a lot, and I can ’ t tell anyone about it," I added, my voice trembling and struggling to find the right words.
He nodded.
"I will," he said. I inhaled deeply.
"When my first husband died, his family tried to force me to burn myself along with his body as part of a ritual in our tribe. But a man saved my life; to do so, he had to put vermillion in my hair. I mean, we aren ’ t properly married, but I ’ m tied to him in a way that I wouldn ’ t be able to find peace in my heart if I even think about anyone else."
My voice came out slowly, and he remained silent for a moment. My heart raced, and he said in a slow voice, "But I wouldn ’ t have a problem with it."
I gulped nervously now and shook my head.
He didn ’ t have a problem with it, but I knew Kunwarsa would, and I had a problem. I couldn ’ t fool him when I was falling for Kunwar Agastya.
"You don ’ t understand. I can ’ t marry anyone," I managed to say, and he inhaled deeply, remaining silent for a moment.
"Okay, I ’ ll tell Rajmata," he said.
I immediately stood up and said, "But please don ’ t tell her what I shared. She would be devastated to know."
He nodded weakly, and I watched him walk out of the room.
I stayed there until I saw Daadisa walk in with a sad expression. I waited quietly, and she hugged me tightly.
"It's okay, but we ’ ll find another man, one even better than him, for you. He was an idiot," she said, and I tried to look upset. She released me from the hug and cupped my cheeks.
"You must be tired. You should rest, and I think you ’ re getting rashes too," she said, and my cheeks warmed up suddenly. I cupped my neck and shook my head, which made her furrow her brows in confusion.
"Are you okay, ?"
I nodded silently and said slowly, "Umm, Daadisa, Nandani must be looking for me."
Then I walked away from there, honestly running away.
I went to the kitchen and busied myself with work. I didn ’ t meet anyone after that because of the red bruise visible on my neck. I didn ’ t care about the guests, but I couldn ’ t let Nandani, Princess Aishwarya, or even Ranaji see it.
After everything, I returned to my room, exhausted.
The night grew darker, but the chaos remained. The melody of music and dance had enchanted the Kingdom to another level. Nandani didn ’ t send anyone to call me. Maybe she knew I was with Daadisa.
And I did not encounter him after our minor incident, which was not small at all. Strangely, I felt something different in my gut. It was a happy moment in the kingdom, yet a kind of war was raging in my head. I did not feel hungry; rather, I sensed that something was wrong.
Did he go somewhere? He acted differently today. There was an unusual silence on his face. It seemed like he was worried about something.
I could not rest amidst the rustling thoughts and stepped out of the room to keep myself busy with various tasks. The more I occupied myself, the more I thought I would find peace.
But, moment by moment, my peace morphed into worry and panic as I searched for him throughout the kingdom and couldn ’ t find him anywhere. I even tried asking a few attendees on behalf of Ranaji, but nobody had seen him. Where the hell did he go?