11. Chapter Eleven – Adam
Adam
Did I read her wrong?
Ever since we came back from that little date in Harajuku the day before yesterday, it seems Lily has been pulling away, turning the other way when she sees me and acting like it’s where she intended to go in the first place. And she’s not a good actor.
She seems in a better mood than yesterday. I watch her lean over to Felix and tell him something, making both of their backs shake with laugher, before she straightens her back again and types something into her tablet.
"If you stare any harder, she might turn into dust," Eve leans over and whispers into my ear. "You're not exactly subtle, you know?"
"I don't know what you’re talking about. Subtlety is my middle name."
She rolls her eyes at me and scoots back into her seat, shooting me a knowing look.
Today’s topic is an interesting one, a lecture I’d been looking forward to. A strategy to depict market trends and act on up and coming trends quickly. But I just can't focus.
My eyes keep zooming in to her. I just can’t help it. Eve is right, I know I’m not subtle, but I don’t give a fuck.
God, I really need to get a grip. I feel like a stalker. In an attempt to distract myself, I take out my phone and stare at the dark screen.
I could read one of the books I downloaded for the flight. Or play a mobile game. Watch a movie on silent with subtitles.
Or finally open the family group chat with close to two hundred missed messages. Sighing, I rub my hand over my face and pull up my chat with Jackson instead. I can’t deal with a barrage of messages, but if I don’t give any of them a sign of life soon, I’m afraid they’ll suddenly turn up here.
Adam : How's London? Still standing?
I message to my brother Jackson, surprised when the little dot under his name immediately becomes green and a bubble appears in the chat indicating that he’s writing out an answer.
Adam : Why the hell are you still awake?
I type out quickly, frowning. I quickly research the time difference, shaking my head when I realize it’s the middle of the night for him.
Adam : Isn't it like 3 a.m. in London?
Jackson : It is, Sherlock. And yes, it hasn’t combusted, but I’m sure you’d have seen that one the news.
I clench my jaw, exhaling a deep sigh at his dry answer. Jackson is the oldest of my brothers and also the one who took losing our parents the hardest. The way his grief manifested – and it still does – is his belief that I’m doing everything wrong. In his head, our parents were perfect, and I had to make peace with the fact that I would never be able to compete with this fantasy he made up in his head.
The football game back then managed to take a bit of edge off. Someone had the bright idea to put us on different teams and he had a grand old time tackling and blocking me.
But I feel it slip again. Be it a quip during our gaming nights or dry messages like these. And I’m running out of ideas how to salvage it and out of strength to tolerate it.
Adam : What's up?
I put the phone on the table screen down and lean my chin on my hand. Is Jackson really the right person to talk about this? Maybe I should ask Eve for her opinion instead. My phone buzzes and I quickly lift it off the table, putting it on complete silent before I open Jackson’s message.
Jackson : I should be the one asking. You never message to check in. What's up with you?
Should I?
He’s my brother. Literally the person I’ve known the longest in this world. If I can’t talk to him, then to who?
Adam : Distraction.
Lily is asking the presenter a question, and I can't help but look up, sending the message before I’ve ended it.
I am so fucking tuned into her, it’s not even funny anymore. When she speaks, I listen. When she moves, I’m watching. Like a goddamn stalker, until the soft buzzing in my hands makes me divert my attention to my phone again.
Jackson : You can’t just message me that cryptic shit. Distraction from what? Who?
Suddenly, Eve snatches the phone out of my hands. Before I can even react, she’s typed out a message and sent it, even adding an emoji to it.
Which I would never do, just for the record.
Adam : Lily 3
As I try to get my phone back, she quickly opens the camera and angles the phone to me without lifting it from the table, taking a selfie showing the two of us.
It's a hilariously unflattering picture of her. She has a double-chin from that angle and I think she’s pulling a grimace on purpose, but at least now Jackson knows that it wasn’t me who wrote that.
Jackson : I knew it!
Adam : No, you did not.
Finally, I manage to snatch my phone back and promptly hold it our of reach for Eve who is trying to snatch it right back. Shaking my head at her, I mouth, "Not a chance," and motion for her to pay attention to the lecture instead of me.
Jackson : I so did. You. Me. Call. In five hours, because I need to catch some sleep.
I don't even answer, knowing fully well he’s going to call. And he’s going to call until I pick up. At this point, there’s no getting out of this conversation.
Good thing that works right with my schedule before Lily and I are supposed to get ready for our second afternoon together.
Five hours later, on the dot, my phone rings and I watch it for a few seconds, impending doom washing over me. I’m not sure if I’m happy to get an outside perspective or frustrated that I didn’t think it through and turned to Jackson. Reed might be the second youngest but emotionally? That guy is one hell of a lot more mature than me.
"So, Lily," Jackson says without even greeting me and I can hear the teasing tone in his voice.
"I will neither confirm nor deny," I tell him and clear my throat when it comes out in a croak.
I'm in my hotel room, sitting on an armchair right by the window and looking down at the city. It looks so surreal. Everything looks so small, like it’s part of a completely different world.
"At this point, you don’t need to," Jackson answers. "So, what's the holdup?"
"What isn't a holdup?" I tell him with a deep sigh and run my hand through my hair.
I'm getting jittery, my legs bouncing up and down, until finally, I get up and pace in front of the glass window wall of my room.
"She's not like any other women I've dated before."
"Of course, she isn’t," Jackson chuckles and something about his tone tells me he's rolling his eyes at me. "That's because you weren't really in it when you were dating them, even I could see that."
"What do you mean?" I stop in my tracks, staring at my reflection in the window.
"Adam." His tone turns serious, and I brace myself for an uncomfortable conversation. "Listen carefully, because I doubt we’ll ever have a deep conversation about this again.”
Internally, I brace myself, because it sounds like whatever he’s about to tell me is going to be uncomfortable as fuck for me.
“You might have dated, but all of us could tell you were really just going through the motions.”
“All of you?” I ask, my throat thick with emotion, but Jackson ignores me and goes on.
“You were way too busy taking care of all of us after our parents died. No woman could have broken through the wall you built around our family. I'm not trying to be mean, but women like Courtney—” I wince when he mentions my ex. It ended amicably, but it’s an uncomfortable topic nonetheless. “They were perfectly nice, perfectly lovely women, but you could see from a mile away that you weren’t happy. You were missing the spark in your relationship, the challenge."
I exhale a deep sigh, memories of that relationship running through my head. Maybe he's right. I wasn't exactly unhappy with her, but I also wasn't very sad when she broke it off. No, I was relieved. Relieved that I had one person less to care about, one responsibility less.
"And you think I need a challenge?" I ask as I resume my pacing.
"I think you want the challenge," he corrects me, and my eyebrows pull together in a frown. Do I? "Tell me if I’m wrong but I think you need a woman who's not afraid to speak her mind. You’re a powerful man, Adam. You’ve got enough yes-sayers at work, I doubt you want the same in a relationship.”
I hate to admit it, but he might have a point. Thinking back, I can’t help but agree. Back then, I was looking for an easy relationship, a place where I could receive emotional support, without any risks. That's not sustainable. And hell, do I want sustainable all of a sudden. Who would have thought ?
“Let’s be honest, Adam, you’re shit with emotions. You need a woman who’s not afraid to demand what she needs and won’t let you walk away from the hard talks. I don't know Lily well, apart from what I've heard about her—no, that's wrong, I think I met her in passing once or twice. But from what I'm hearing, she sounds like the perfect woman to do the job."
"Even if you are right, which I’m still skeptical of,” I say, knowing I’m lying through my teeth, but I’d rather munch on glass than admit that. “I don't think she's interested. We had a few moments, but she’s been acting super standoffish."
"Moments? Imagine me wiggling my eyebrows.”
“Non-sexual moments,” I clarify, making him burst into laughter. “We went on something like a date two days ago and ever since then she’s withdrawn.”
“I'm going to go ahead and ask something crazy: Have you tried looking at it from her perspective? To throw your own words back at you, what isn't a holdup?" Jackson sounds a lot more serious now.
"What do you mean?"
"Let’s look at some facts: She's new in the business. From what I'm hearing, she's very eager to prove herself. Incredibly competitive. And even though she has an amazing track record, she keeps aiming higher and higher in order to prove herself. I give her like five years tops until Siren's Talent is at the same level as Croney. Now imagine she starts dating you, a rival from the business, and a very successful one at that."
I let his words sink in, my heart sinking right along. “ Fuck.”
Of course. Dating me would probably invalidate her achievements to a large group of people. She might not give many fucks about what our peers think, but I think it would gnaw at her. I hum lowly in my throat.
“Yeah. You’re right,” I finally say dejectedly. “I guess dating me would come with a bunch of challenges.”
“Oh, quit the self-deprecating crap.” I hear him stand up and walk around, kicking a chair or something out of his way. Oh how quickly his mood turned. I force myself to take a deep breath and pinch the bridge of my nose between my eyes.
“Hate to tell you, but you are definitely one of the challenges.” I lower my hand to tap the side of my face, trying to relax my clenched jaw. One sentence. One little, accusatory sentence from him and guilt crashes over me like a wave, just as quickly replaced by anger.
How fucking dare he. As much as he lectures about empathy and looking at things from another perspective, he sucks at applying it to himself. I don't think he's ever taken a step back and given me the benefit of the doubt, or considered just how much of my life I had to sacrifice for them.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” And there it is again, the same confrontational tone I've gotten so used to over the years. The one that might as well scream 'fuck you, you can't do anything right.'
“Maybe I’ll tell you when you’re calm again. Thanks for the advice,” I say and hang up the phone before he can answer, quickly muting him when he calls back to continue to scream at me. But I'm just so fucking tired of this topic. I’m not getting into an argument with him today.
It’s coming. I can feel it. I am a breath away from snapping and his anger has been amplifying over the past twenty-nine years. The tension blowing up in our faces is inevitable at this point, but right now, I have my own issues to prioritize.
I can’t continue to keep my life on hold just to placate the feelings of someone in whose eyes I can do no right anyways.
We’ll have that talk. But we’ll have it on a day where I don’t have a date with Lily in ten minutes.
"So, where are we going today?" I shout over the loud sound of pouring rain hitting our umbrellas in an attempt to lighten the mood as we walk to the station. I wasn’t sure if she’d even turn up, but I waited in the hotel lobby anyways and punctual, like always, I heard her shoes clacking over the marble floor as she approached the obligatory iced coffee in her hand.
"Odaiba," she yells back as she leads the way to the station. She seems to be in a better mood compared to yesterday, thank God. We only have a few more days here and I’d like to make the most of it with her and maybe even convince her to go on a real date after we’re back home.
I'm in awe of the way she easily navigates the streets, at how well she knows her way around here. I would manage to get lost two blocks away from our hotel, but she navigates these tiny streets effortlessly and confidently.
And then in the station she effortlessly weasels her way through the steady stream of people. Keeping up takes more effort than I’m willing to admit as she leads the way to the platform.
"Odaiba?" I finally ask her as we come to a stand on the platform and she nods.
"It's basically in the Tokyo Bay," she explains and types the name into her phone, handing it to me with images of our destination open. The first thing I see is a giant, colorful Ferris wheel, a beach and a lot of water.
"We’re not going to the water though. Remember that digital art museum I showed you and Felix in the very beginning when you two interrogated me about my plans?"
"Ah, I remember!"
I already completely forgot about that, but now that I know that’s where we’re going, I’m getting excited.
“I couldn’t fit it in on any other day, so now you’re my lucky companion."
“Oh, the horror,” I say theatrically, and she shoots me a grin just as the train arrives. Thankfully, it’s not very crowded and we find a spot to stand in.
"Please tell me it's not far from here," I whine, feeling a trickle of sweat dripping down my neck, shuddering when it trickles down my spine before we even leave the station. The humidity right by the sea is just off the charts and I’ve never envied her more for the portable mini fan she’s holding in her hand. The air feels so thick it’s making breathing a challenge.
"Right over there, I think." She looks at her phone and points to our left, and we start walking. And thank God she's correct.
We step into the building and both of us sigh in unison when a wall of cold air greets us.
"Oh God, this is nice," she says happily, and I nod in agreement.
It's blissfully cool in here. If I admire Japan for one thing, it's their immaculate use of air conditioning. I thank the heavens that this conference isn’t taking place in Europe, because they are not quite as enthusiastic about air conditioning.
Lily shows them our tickets and the receptionist points us towards the entrance. But I stare at Lily, irritated.
I wasn't even aware that she got me a ticket, and honestly, I'm kind of pissed. What if I wanted to pay? Now she’s not getting around another date, because I'm definitely going to pay for the next one.
Somehow, the vibes are off. Both of us know that there’s an elephant in the room and both of us are trying to ignore it. As skeptical as I was during my call with Jackson, when I took the time in the lobby to reflect on our interactions, I remembered all the little moments.
The way she melted into the kiss, how she reached for my hand in Harajuku, and how despite her bad mood, yesterday I’d find her eyes on me.
That’s when I realized that I’m not making this up and when I knew that we’d have to breach the topic sooner or later.
Jackson said I need a woman to demand the uncomfortable conversations – but maybe I just need a woman who makes me want to have the uncomfortable conversations if the reward is her.
And with her as the reward, I would do just about everything.
I hold the thick curtain open for her and she slips through the gap after shooting me a thankful grin. I follow her, stepping into a completely dark corridor only lit by the emergency sign, and suddenly, I just can't bear it anymore.
"Lily, I think we should talk."
Her shoulders tense, and she looks at me over her shoulder while she walks. Which has no business looking as seductive as it does.
"I think we should—" The word gets stuck in her throat when we are suddenly surrounded by music and so many things happening I don’t even know where to look. "Holy shit."
“What the-” I mutter at the same time, when I see the same thing she does.
The room is vast and completely dark, if it weren’t for the vibrant flowers projected onto the walls and even the floor. Cherry blossoms go from blossom to bloom to wilt within what feels like seconds, and scatter over the canvases in an ever-changing scenery. It’s downright hypnotizing.
When I look down at her, even in the dim light, I can see the awe on her face and the sparkles in her eyes as she looks at the room in wonder. The music playing through the speakers, that seemed intense at first, suddenly doesn’t sound so loud anymore and there’s a scent of flowers in the air.
This museum is completely immersive, and I have to say I'm really fucking impressed.
"Look at that. You can touch them," she whispers in awe, pointing at a couple standing in the corner that are tenderly touching the walls. "I want to touch them." She hurries over to the wall and lays her hand on one of the flowers. To our surprise, it immediately starts to bloom and open up under her palm.
"Holy shit, how is this interactive?"
I walk closer until I’m right next to her and reach out my hand to lay my palm on the flower right next to hers, my eyes growing wider the more the flower opens up.
"This is incredible. So much more impressive than watching someone else do it online," she says softly, amazed eyes darting around in an attempt to take everything in.
Was there something we needed to talk about? At this point, I can’t even remember. I’m too immersed in the experience, too amazed by how beautiful it is in here .
The museum is like a big, interactive labyrinth, each corner revealing new, beautiful images that take Lily's breath away, and her reaction to it, the childlike wonder in her eyes, takes mine away.
Continuing the labyrinth, we find ourselves in a dark corridor with walls in moving purples. Neon flowers are projected onto the ground and crows are flying – although since they’re on the ground, it looks more like swimming, evading the visitors' steps.
Just like the flowers on the wall in the room before, the projections on the ground open up once stepped on.
And just when I wonder if they have anything aside from flowers, we step into the next room. The sound of rushing water greets us as we step into what looks like a huge waterfall. There’s even mist, right where the walls and floor connect.
Lily freezes next to me, mouth agape as she takes it all in. There is even a little hill, making people who stand up there look like they’re in the middle of a waterfall stream. Some birds fly along the walls in a beautiful dance, and for a few moments, we stay glued to the spot, just taking it all in.
I could spend days in here. It’s so serene, so peaceful, and with Lily by my side, I don’t think I ever want to leave.
Suddenly, I feel her fingers around my wrist as she points to the ground. The water stream actually starts to flow around us and I shake my head.
“This is almost too perfect,” I mutter, and she nods vehemently. Then I catch her staring at the hill .
"Want me to take a picture of you on there?" I ask her, and she wordlessly hands me her phone and shoots me a thankful smile.
A couple is currently having their picture taken on there, but once they free up their spot, she hurries up there and strikes a pose.
It takes me a few moments to have the settings for her camera changed so the picture turns out well, and just as I press the shutter, the projection behind her starts to change. I quickly change it to video, filming her still posing as little sunflowers start to appear behind her, becoming bigger and bigger until they extend over half the wall, with her in the center.
Finally, I lower the phone and motion for her to turn around so she can look at it from up close. I can even hear her soft "Holy shit" all the way down here.
She is beaming when she makes her way back down the hill contraption and I shake my head when she asks me if I want a picture up there as well. We stay for a few more moments, letting the water projections amaze us, before we continue our way. After walking for few minutes, she reaches for my arm and I look at her, confused, when she begins to clutch onto it, fingers digging into my skin.
"Is everything okay?"
She nods, but when I raise my eyebrow at her, she hurries to explain.
"I’m sorry, am I hurting you? My balance is off with not being able to see where I'm going and all the moving parts and the sounds." She waves her hand through the air, and I nod in understanding.
Walking in here feels a bit like wading through clouds, and honestly, I can think of way worse things than having Lily hold on to my arm. She can just never let it go again if it were up to me.
The next little corridor is completely dark, aside from several grey highlighted Japanese characters slowly floating along the wall.
"You think something happens when I touch them?" she asks in a whisper, already extending one of her hands. When she does, the sign slowly vanishes, and gold sparkles appear in its place.
“Oh my God, this is so cool.” Her voice is still not louder than a whisper. “That was the sign for ‘gold.’ I wonder what happens if I touch ‘rain.’”
“There will probably be rain,” I tease her, and she purses her lips in a pout as she reaches for the sign to her right.
“Ya think?” She rolls her eyes and touches it. Just like we thought, the sign disappears and the projections turn to rain. Even the music changes.
“What are the other characters?” I ask her curiously. There are so many more that look completely different to the two she’s already touched.
“That one is flowers.” She points to my left. “And that one is birds. And I think that’s it.” She lets go of me and turns around herself. "I'll just stay here. Come get me in like three hours, and I'm good. I'm just going to keep touching these."
"How about we check out the rest first?" I gently lead her away from the room with a chuckle. When we walk through another thick curtain, we find… “Bunnies?”
A uniform row of bunnies marches down the corridor walls in rows. We stop right behind the curtain and take it in, utterly confused. I definitely didn’t expect animals to suddenly show up.
Some children are running along the corridor, shouting in delight as they put their hands on the walls right next to the rabbits and it makes the figures turn their heads to them.
“I know all of this is interactive," I whisper to her, leaning close. Damn, her shampoo smells amazing. Like flowers and spring with an undertone that’s just her. Back to topic, Adam. "But all of these still surprise the fuck out of me."
"Same," she admits softly, and we continue walking. We find butterflies in the next room, then blooming sunflowers and more animals. There's even a room that's set up to look like an aquarium, with a little drawing station where you can color in your own fish with crayons and have it swim along the walls with the others.
"Are we doing it?" I ask her, eyebrow cocked, and she looks up at me unsurely. I’ll take that as a ‘yes.’ "Come on," I beckon her, and each of us grabs one of the templates to display our artistic talent .
Hers looks cute—it's a pink squid with big eyes and a little, happy smile—while I make the shark I picked look angry with harsh eyebrows and an open mouth with teeth on full display.
We bring them over to the scanner in the corner, and within seconds, they join the rest of the swarm.
"That is so cool." I immediately take out my phone and take a quick video of it. "I'm going to have to show this to my brothers." I’m not sure they’ll appreciate it quite as much as I do, but it’s a brag-able experience none the less.
Walking on, we find even more rooms with all kinds of flowers and animals, but one of my actual highlights is the room with lily pads. Not only because they have the same name as Lily, but because they actually set up little installations, reaching about knee-high for both of us, that make it seem like we’re walking through a magical lily-filled pond, all of them illuminated with light dancing along them.
"This is amazing," Lily keeps whispering, and I agree.
They are so incredibly pretty, I can’t even find words for them. But a steady stream of other visitors makes us continue until we’ve reached the end of the room where the exit and reality await us.
Once the door closes behind us, the two of us look at each other in awe.
"I kind of want to go again," Lily says, and I find myself nodding. I’d go back in there in a heartbeat, but just in that moment, a voice tells us from the speakers that closing time is approaching.