Chapter 6
Harsh Truths
Alex
It’s been two days and I’m not sure how much longer I can avoid Theo and Ollie. Or the rage that’s been simmering inside me, demanding I release it.
It’s been there ever since I walked in on Theo devouring Ollie’s mouth like he was a starving man, only adding to the anger that was already there since the night of the attack.
Which makes no sense. Sure, I was devastated after Ollie told me what happened between her and Theo and terrified that she’d already chosen before she’d given me a chance.
But that all got pushed to the side when she came out with that crazy scheme to bait the Scourge guards into shooting by running in front of them.
Bloody hell. Even just thinking about it is enough to make my blood pressure skyrocket and my chest tighten with fear.
Maybe that’s why I can’t seem to shake this anger and betrayal bubbling up inside me, threatening to spill over every time I see Theo. With everything that happened that night, I never truly allowed myself to dwell on what Ollie told me or my feelings about it.
And there are a lot of feelings.
Most of them revolve around wanting to break Theo’s fingers and then rearrange his face.
Seeing them kiss only fanned the flames of my rage until it’s become an uncontrollable writhing beast beneath my skin, begging to be released.
Which is terrifying because I can’t help but think that I’m turning out just like him.
The monster from my past who used his grief, fear, and anger as a weapon to beat me almost every single day of my childhood.
The same monster I vowed never to become.
But if this fucked-up world has shown us anything, it’s that anyone can become a monster.
I sit back against the wall with a heavy sigh and stare up at the star-studded night sky through the skylight.
My patrol shift ended over an hour ago and instead of returning to my sleeping bag, I’m in the dusty loft of the house we’ve squeezed everyone into for the night.
I should be catching up on sleep right now, but the idea of going downstairs and seeing Ollie and Theo…
It makes me feel like my chest is caving in and my heart is being ripped out. I want to cry, yell, and punch the wall. And then steal Ollie from beside Theo like a bloody caveman and keep her for myself.
None of which are things a sane person would do.
I groan and scrub my face with my hands, wishing I knew what the fuck to do with all these feelings writhing inside me without smashing my fist into something.
Or someone.
“Thought I’d find you up here,” says the very last person I want to talk to right now as he steps into the small space.
I ignore Theo and glare at the stars above me, as if they’re responsible for bringing him to me.
Maybe they are, or maybe it’s some primordial deity that’s intent on punishing me for unknown sins I did in a past life.
Either way, I’m now trapped in a small space with the man partly responsible for the turbulent emotions swirling inside me.
“Alex…” There’s a sigh. “You can’t keep avoiding me forever. At some point, we’re going to have to have this conversation.”
Not if I can help it. I remain silent.
“Stubborn prick.” He appears in my line of vision, blocking out the stars while staring down at me with a dark, frustrated expression.
I scowl and lurch to my feet. If he refuses to take the hint and fuck off, then I will.
He grabs my shoulder before I can reach the door and slams me back against the far wall. “Nope, you’re not running away from me or this conversation.”
I bare my teeth at him in a silent snarl like a cornered animal, but it doesn’t faze him.
He just crosses his arms over his chest and stares at me, unimpressed. “It’s time to talk like adults, Alex.”
“I told you I didn’t want to talk about this.”
“Too fucking bad. We’re talking about it. About how you’re pushing everyone away and acting like more of a surly bastard than Rhys because I kissed and finger-fucked Ollie.”
Even though I already know what happened between them, hearing it from him—my best friend since we were ten—is like a kick to the gut. The air leaves my lungs in a pained wheeze and is quickly replaced with burning rage and betrayal.
Some of it must show on my face because Theo’s hard stare softens. “I know it’s tough to hear, but I’m telling you what I told her; she’s free to do as she pleases with her body, with whoever she wants.”
Sure, I understand that. But that’s not what has this inferno boiling in my chest.
“This isn’t about what she did with you. It’s about what you did.”
His brow furrows. “What do you mean?”
Of course he doesn’t get it. I scoff and shake my head.
“I’ve made my stance clear several times; I don’t want to share Ollie.
But no matter how many times I tell you, you just completely ignore me.
Sure, Ollie can do what she wants with herself.
I know she doesn’t belong to anyone. But did you even stop and think for a second about whether kissing and touching her would hurt someone other than yourself? ”
He blinks and his mouth opens and closes a few times as if he’s lost for words. The surprise on his face is enough of an answer for me.
“Yeah, didn’t think so,” I say with a bitter laugh. “Just like before, you just jumped in with both feet without even thinking how it’ll impact other people.”
His jaw clenches and he steps towards me, his eyes flashing with anger.
“That’s not fucking fair, Alex,” he growls as he glares up at me.
“What happened with Willow happened to all of us—we all agreed to the relationship, and we were all hurt by what she did. You act like you’re the only one carrying pain and heartache from that relationship, like you’re the only one terrified of getting hurt. Well, newsflash, asshole! You aren’t.”
I shove off the wall and close the distance between us, my rage a writhing, living thing inside me.
“Don’t you dare try to tell me that we both experienced the same thing, because we didn’t.
What Willow did almost destroyed me.” Painful memories flit through my mind, causing old wounds to tear into my heart.
Theo rolls his eyes. “Oh, fuck off, Alex. She cheated on all of us, regardless of whether or not she wanted me. The result is the same; we all walked away with broken hearts that day. But it also happened ten years ago. Get over it. Move on! I fucking did, and you can too. Just let it go.”
He still doesn’t get it. He’s still not listening to me.
He makes it seem like I’m just holding onto this heartache for fun and not because I had my heart ripped from my chest and crushed. Like all I need to go is just pretend I’m a bloody Disney princess, sing a song and move on.
The realisation that my best friend is dismissing my concerns cuts deep, slicing my already bleeding heart into ribbons.
But those wounds also unleash the fury that’s been blazing inside me.
It spills out with the pain and fear I’ve been holding onto ever since we discovered that we all wanted Ollie, turning into a thick, caustic sludge that burns.
My fist flies before I can even blink and smashes into the side of Theo’s face. Pain bursts across my knuckles from connecting with his sharp as fuck cheekbone. Theo grunts and staggers back, a dark bruise already forming beneath his eye.
My other fist flies at him, a wild punch that he easily dodges as his training as an MMA fighter and instructor kicks in. Several more punches follow, but he avoids or blocks them all. But no matter how many times I try to hit him, my rage isn’t sated.
“Alex, what the fuck? Stop!”
“I told you not to push me, Theo. I told you I wasn’t ready, that I didn’t want to share again. But you didn’t fucking listen. You never bloody do! She didn’t just cheat and then leave me, she fucking wrecked me!” The words burst out of me as I throw more punches at him.
He shakes his head. “She hurt all of us—”
I don’t let him finish, my hurt and fear and rage ripping the words from my lips. “Do you want to know what she told me when she left? What makes me so fucking terrified to even think about sharing Ollie?”
It’s then that I realise that this isn’t just about Ollie, but frustration that my supposed best friend put his own wants and needs above my own, regardless of how much it’d hurt me. That something in my life that ripped my heart to shreds is just something I should get over.
It must show on my face because horror streaks across Theo’s face. “Alex…”
“She told me the only reason she even agreed to be with all three of us was so she could have you. That no one could ever want someone as fucked up, damaged, and dangerous as me. The only good thing about me was my bloody cock and even then she said both you and Rhys were better fucks than me.”
Bile burns my throat as I remember the cruel, pitying smile on her lips as she told me all of this. The sick glee gleaming in her eyes as she ripped my heart to pieces and stomped on it for good measure.
“She never wanted me, Theo. She only ever wanted you and tolerated Rhys because she enjoyed being dominated every now and again. I was always the fourth wheel, the pathetic puppy that doesn’t understand when it’s not wanted. Because you know what happened after she tore into me like that?”
With my anger gone, I step back and turn to press my forehead against the wall.
I don’t want to see the pity on his face as I reveal the dark, shameful truth that’s lurked inside me all these years.
“I threw away every ounce of my pride and begged her to reconsider. But all she did was laugh in my face and say that no sane person would ever choose me.”
And that’s the crux of the issue.