28. Jensen
TWENTY-EIGHT
JENSEN
I sat in the middle of my apartment, our past mocking me at this point.
I barely looked at the walls. I only came by to swap clothes, for fuck’s sake. This wasn’t us anymore. It wasn’t me.
And still, I hadn’t taken the time to erase it.
Maybe part of me still needed the reminder. It had been the impetus for me to join the academy with purpose this time.
But seeing it through her eyes hollowed me out. The pit, especially.
I’d been honest when I told her that painting it out had purged the fear out of me. That was half right. It had also been a reminder when I needed it.
When the classes and the drills and the endless training had drained the hell out of me, this reminded me to keep going.
But if it cost me Lyric?
That wasn’t something I’d ever believed was possible.
I’d been so worried about being strong enough to do it—to push myself past the fatigue and the frustration. When Lyric had come back into my life, I’d already pushed past the doubt. I’d been in the final stretch.
I got up and pulled out the paint cans from the closet.
I grabbed the sharp trowel and climbed on my scaffolding, scraping through the layers of paint and until I reached white. My arms ached, but still, I pushed on. I moved across the three walls. The pieces of fire and soot I’d recreated fell to the floor.
Because it was a small studio apartment, the dismantling was far easier than the building. I was sweating by the time I’d taken off the 3D elements. But the walls were spotty and reminded me of a comic book I’d found in my grandmother’s basement. How the pages had melded together from moisture and torn when I tried to read it.
The mess of it and the tears had left the story unreadable.
In the streaming light of the afternoon, that was exactly what this was.
I jumped down and got my large capacity roller out of my painting supplies. It was what I used when I had to repaint a wall and start fresh.
Exactly what I needed to do with this room.
The sun was setting by the time I’d done the third coat of white.
But I left the dragon on the ceiling for now.
She’d been protecting the memories all along. She could stay.
I poured myself into the shower, letting the heat pummel into my muscles and now that it was done, all I could see was Lyric’s shattered eyes.
I pressed my forehead to the tile of my shower and let the water beat on my shoulders. I had to figure out some way to fix this.
Fix us.
I just didn’t know how I was going to do that. I shut off the water, and then I got ready to go back to A Place for All.
At least I wouldn’t let her down there.
The ride was quick from my apartment. The weather was spitting with sleet by the time I pulled into Trick or Treat’s parking lot. The store side was closed, but the parking lot was full of cars. I didn’t see Lyric’s jeep, but Nolan’s monster Silverado was there.
Guess he was checking things out before the opening.
The atrium doors were propped open, so I headed over there instead of buzzing in the front doors.
The lights were up, and there was a mix of vendors inside, as well as Lucky Roberts, one of the men from Gideon’s crew who had been helping out with the built-ins we needed.
Dozens of people were talking, and the snap of a hydraulic nail gun made me wince.
I spotted Nolan and headed over toward him. He was standing just outside the arch he’d created between Trick or Treat and A Place for All.
“What’s going on?”
“Just last-minute details. Some dude named Nico asked for an extra display thing. Something with a lazy Susan.” He growled. “Nothing like last minute bullshit.”
“It’s endless. I thought we were mostly done.”
“You don’t sound surprised.”
“Nope.” I rocked back on my heels. “Every time someone adds another display case, I end up adding another illustration.”
“You bitching?”
“No, man. I love it. Lyric created something really special. I’m glad you guys let me be a part of it.”
Nolan gave me a hard stare. “So, why did Lyric asked me to come in and check on things for her?” His eyes tracked to me. “Something I should know?”
I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my leather jacket. “Not sure what you mean.”
Nolan grunted. “I knew it. Did you fuck up?”
I hunched my shoulders. “I’m trying to figure that out.”
Nolan rolled his eyes. “Fuck, these people are loud. Why is everything so fucking loud?”
I hid a smile. Nolan Devereaux was known to be antisocial.
He gripped my shoulder and turned me toward the Trick or Treat side of the store. He pushed me through the threshold into the relative quiet. “If you fucked her up, I swear to God, Jensen.”
“I didn’t. How the hell did you know we were together, anyway?”
“I have eyes, dipshit. I knew something was going on between you before you did. And now you probably screwed it up.”
“Hell no, I didn’t. At least not actively.”
“Stop talking in circles, asshole.”
Knowing Nolan was an asshole on a good day made the insult all the harsher. I stripped my jacket off and tossed it on the floor. “I joined the fire department.”
Nolan paced all the way down to Frankenstein then back. Gave me a hard stare and made a return trek with his fingers laced behind his head. Finally, he stopped in front of me. “What the hell are you doing, man?”
Annoyance crawled up my back as I squared off in front of him. “Why does everyone keep asking me that?”
“Then maybe you should think about it. Or how about the fact that Lyric has fire trauma and the idea that her dude will be actively running into fire all the time might just freak her out.”
“I’m trained. Well, will be. I was at the top of my class, and now I’m a probationary firefighter for CCFD.”
“And you didn’t tell her about this before you guys got together? Are you stupid?”
“I didn’t want to jinx it. I wanted to make sure I could handle it before I told anyone. Hell, I just told my brother the week before I graduated from the Fire Academy.” I cracked my knuckles as unease bled through the anger. “I busted my ass learning everything about it. How to beat that fucking fire this time.”
“Ah, fuck.” Nolan blew out a breath. “Tell me you don’t have some sort of hero complex about the fire. Please tell me you’re not that stupid.”
“Would you stop calling me stupid?”
“Well, then stop acting stupid. You’re not responsible for what happened, Jensen. It was an accident.”
“You didn’t watch?—”
“If you tell me I didn’t have someone trapped in that fire, I’ll deck you right now. Dahlia was right there in the middle of it. The firefighters saved her, and I’ll be forever grateful, but getting the help doesn’t make me any less of a man.”
“That’s not why I did it. I’d already joined the academy before the fire at Trick or Treat. But after watching Lyric trapped down there for what felt like hours, after being frozen with fear, I knew I never wanted another person to feel like that. I knew I needed to learn how to be a helper. And I’m good at it. Not just the rescue, but learning about what makes fire tick. I’m thinking about going out for the arson unit when I get more experience under my belt.”
Nolan frowned at me.
“What?”
“I didn’t know that was in you. I understand the art—we both have that. But it’s not enough for you.”
It wasn’t a question.
My shoulders eased. “No. I love being an illustrator. The puzzle of a mural will always be something that inspires me. But being a firefighter—the challenge of it and knowing I can help save people—that’s what’s deep inside of me.”
“You should have told her about that. Look at it from her point of view. She only knows the pain of it, which I get. I felt those burns when my sculpture fell on me. I don’t tell a lot of people what really happened. How long I was pinned under the hot metal as it dug inside of me.”
I sucked in a breath.
“Yeah. Not exactly what Lyric dealt with, but the recovery time was similar. And it fucks with your head. Feeling helpless when your body is against you. She had so many surgeries. Not just for the burns, but to put her back together.”
I tipped back my head.
I couldn’t take away that part of her—the pain of it and the memories.
How could I add to it?
“Yeah, you need to think long and hard about what matters. Because I don’t know if Lyric will ever be able to accept that side of you. She might surprise us all, but get your head out of your ass and think about it, Jensen.”
He stalked off back toward the banging and the hum of voices.
I followed, going right for my supplies.
It was the only way I could work any of this out. And to try to find a way to come to terms with losing out on one dream for the chance at another.