Chapter Three
L ight played over Julian’s eyes and he stretched. He’d never slept so well in his life. Sam had wrung every bit of pleasure out of his body, so many times and with such intensity he’d thought he was going to lose consciousness. And she had been wrong. So fucking wrong. Her body was a thing of beauty, and not just her full breasts or the luscious curve and dip of her hips. No, it was a hell of a lot more. Beautiful because from their first kiss until the moment he entered her, she held nothing back. Sam’s body ignited in such a way that they both caught fire.
After hours of burning through each other, they’d fallen asleep, and he broke one of his sacred rules. Don’t spend the night. Or in this case, let a woman spend the night. He should’ve known she was dangerous when he suggested his place. Never had a woman set foot in his apartment.
Still the roll of his name on her lips, the way she gave herself so completely, and the look of wonder as though she were experiencing everything for the first time gripped at something broken inside him. He’d fucked up by giving in to the desire to have her close. The desire to temporarily fill the cold, stagnant ache in his chest with her fire and light. Only, at some point in the night, he started playing a dangerous game. A game where their night together wasn’t fleeting, where he let his heart rule instead of his mind. Where he asked her to stay for breakfast, then kept her in bed until dinnertime. They could exchange numbers and see where things went between them. Maybe it was a mistake to want to keep her, but damn if he wasn’t going to try to convince her to give them a chance.
He reached out to pull her warm body against him, where she’d been snuggled through the night, but all his fingertips grasped were cold sheets, flung to the side. He jerked fully awake. The bed was empty. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the stark white linens. Her hair had been spread over the pillowcase, her body moving beneath and over his. She’d made him laugh. Honest to God laugh. And he’d tickled her for Christ’s sake, before chasing her into the living room. The humor had fled when he spun her around and witnessed every foreign emotion coursing through him mirrored in the amber silk of her eyes. When he turned her, demanded she place her hands on the back of the couch, and covered her body with his own from behind, she’d simply shot a dazed smile over her shoulder and guided him inside. She trusted him to take her where they both wanted to go. Total fucking trust, so pure and beautiful it seared his lungs with every breath. Branded him with something white-hot and blinding.
And then she’d left.
He searched his apartment for a sign of her, grasping for some kind of connection or string that might tether them. There was nothing, though. No number or note. No stray piece of clothing haphazardly left. His apartment was starkly empty, all traces of her stripped from his personal space. Gone meaninglessly from his life. She hadn’t given him a chance to ask for more. There was a dull thud in his chest. Maybe the numb loneliness he’d felt at the bar the night before hadn’t been so bad, because now that he’d had all Sam’s light and warmth spilling through every inch of him, the loss of it left him so fucking hollow it hurt to breathe.
He pulled on jeans and a shirt, then toed on his shoes, not bothering with socks. He took the stairs down five flights, because waiting for the elevator would’ve had him tearing at his hair. Maybe he could catch her. It was hard to believe that he’d slept through her climbing out of bed, getting dressed, and leaving. After the mission they just came off, sleep should’ve eluded him or been haunted by the image of the deceased mother and children. Sam had given him a sense of peace that he very rarely felt any longer. The reprieve of being able to forget, no matter how short, was like slipping beneath the surface of a cool, clean pool of freshwater in the blistering Afghan desert. One night was all it had taken for her to break down enough of his distrust and pessimism to sneak under his skin.
He took the last few steps two at a time and burst through the front doors of the building. There was no sign of her in either direction. He’d take his truck, drive around the suburbs of Virginia Beach. Maybe he’d get lucky and spot her walking. If not, he could always visit the bar and ask if she had any upcoming gigs. He’d never gone out of his way to find a woman who didn’t want to be found, but there was no way he imagined the connection between them last night. If he found her and all she’d wanted was a one-time hookup, he’d leave her alone, but until then, he’d turn this beachside city upside down to find the woman who had given him sunshine, a reason to smile, when all he should’ve felt was darkness.
*
Two months later…
Sweat trickled down Julian’s back as his team entered their fifth and final mile of today’s run. They wore their rucksacks and moved over the uneven, sandy terrain of the Atlantic coast.
“Hey, Joker?” Ransom barked through labored breaths.
“What?” He hated talking while running. Focus on the task at hand, then shoot the shit. Doing both at once sucked. Especially on a five-mile day.
“When do you plan on pulling your head out of your ass?” Ransom had fallen deep and fast for his brother Jacob’s nurse, now his fiancée, and in doing so now had a new rosy outlook on life. That was all well and good, but Ransom had it in his head that they all deserved his newfound happiness. Anything close to happiness had eluded him since August twenty-first. He’d searched everywhere, but she’d all but vanished. The bar manager told him she’d canceled her two remaining gigs at their establishment, which left him questioning if he’d done or said something wrong to hurt her. Why would she go to such great lengths to avoid him?
“What the hell are you talking about?” Christ, not this again.
“You.” Silver, the oldest of the bunch spoke. “Moping around like Casper the fucking ghost in need of prescription medication.”
“Let him mope at his own pace.” Branch, the most affable of the bunch, always tried to keep the peace.
“It’s a woman, isn’t it?” Silver asked, jumping over a piece of driftwood.
Ransom slowed and glanced at him. “You meet someone?”
“Listen, just because you’ve found a good woman doesn’t mean the rest of us have to fall in line. I have no interest in more than a quick hookup.” Keeping that callous front was better than opening himself up to questions. The last thing he wanted was a quick hookup with anyone. Even months later, he still craved Sam. It had taken her slipping through his fingers to come to the realization that she was the first woman he wanted to explore a relationship with. He was lonely, but only for her.
Silver whistled. “Oh, yeah. Some woman’s got Joker by the balls. Since that night you went to Scully’s bar on your own you’ve been acting like the day Branch ate your tacos.”
Branch held up his hands in a gesture of innocence. “I was starving and the delivery guy showed up. I didn’t know they were his.” His teammates snickered.
“You damn well knew those tacos weren’t dropped in your lap by divine intervention,” he snapped without much heat. “How you inhaled them before I got out of the shower is beyond me.”
“Still pissed about it.” Ransom shook his head, and let out a chuff of laughter.
“Yeah? Next time you get DoorDash and some asshole gobbles it up, let’s see if you’re all sunshine and roses,” he muttered as his team dissolved into laughter. Pains. In. The. Ass.
His teammates were his brothers in every sense of the word, and that came with the dysfunction of a typical family—meddling in each other’s business and some good-natured ribbing just meant they cared, even if it was grating on his last nerve.
By some miracle the conversation shifted to the barbecue at Ransom’s house later that afternoon. His calves had started to burn as his muscles worked overtime to keep his brisk pace while his feet sunk into the sand.
“Brynn still keeping touch with the woman who rescued her?” Branch asked Ransom. None of them were strangers to hazardous situations, but a few months ago when they returned home from a mission, they learned Brynn’s car was run off the road by a man who was trying to kill her. The car exploded, but Ransom’s woman had managed to escape, survive tumbling down a cliff, and dragged herself through the woods. If it hadn’t been for a woman camping in the remote area where Brynn had dragged herself, the ending might’ve been much different.
“Yeah,” Ransom grunted. “Crazy part is she’s a music therapist. Not only has she been hanging out with Brynn, but Jacob’s insurance covers that type of therapy, so she’s been working with him, too. Brynn’s going to try to get her to stay for burgers.”
He let the conversation disband around him, focusing instead on the roll and crash of waves against the shore. The sound of his own breath moving in and out of his lungs. The gulls screaming overhead, soaring on white and gray speckled wings. And then there was her. The woman he’d tried for two months to forget. His team was right. He’d been grouchier and shorter than usual. She popped into his mind every day. Hell, sometimes more than once. Those warm eyes radiating light, blurring with pleasure, softening as she lost herself in a song. Why she’d gotten deeper under his skin in the span of hours than any woman had before, he had no clue. Try as he might, though, he just couldn’t shake it. She was beautiful, yes, but he’d had his share of beautiful women. Maybe it was the way she didn’t expect anything, and seemed in awe at the simplest gesture. Like the birthday candles that he’d taken out of his front console from Jacob’s birthday party the weekend before. He’d picked up the cake and grabbed some candles at the same time, but Brynn already had that covered, so he’d left them in the truck. Sam’s eyes had rounded and her breath had caught in her throat as he sank a candle into the slice of cake. She was moved by the gesture. So much, her eyes had glassed over before she blinked away the emotion threatening to overwhelm her.
“Joker?” Ransom barking his name caught his attention.
“What?” The flags that waved above the base came into view.
“You’re coming this afternoon. Don’t blow us off again, yeah?” His teammate’s eyes narrowed, but they held more concern than annoyance.
He shrugged. “For a bit.” What he really wanted to do after he showered off the sweat clinging to his skin was be alone, not go to a cookout. Probably all the more reason he should go.
Replaying the night he spent with Sam, dissecting every second to determine why she’d left wasn’t healthy. Maybe he was building the night up in his mind to be more than what it was or maybe Sam leaving him before he could leave her was what had stuck in his brain. Damn. Every time he made peace with the fact that his mother was a raging bitch who abandoned him and Addy while their father was on active duty, something like this happened to remind him he’d always be fucked up by the event. So much that he’d dwelled on a one-night stand who’d left without a backward glance two months ago. He had to get his head straight.
“Good enough.” Ransom clapped him on the back as they jogged to their vehicles in the parking lot.
*
Two hours later, Julian had showered, swung by the deli for macaroni salad, and began the ten-mile drive to Ransom’s quiet suburban neighborhood. His friends were right to insist he get off of his couch and join them. Time to face the fact that he’d let a woman get under his skin, and for the first time, he wanted more and she hadn’t. Of course, they’d both agreed on one night. She’d agreed that she didn’t want a relationship, but then through the course of the night something began to change. For the first time, he began to think about what-ifs. What if she didn’t have to leave? What would it be like to date her?
The sharp pang in his chest—one that had developed a day or so after he realized she was well and truly gone—intensified now. Before Sam, he always made sure to be upfront about his intentions. He’d hate to think some of those women might’ve felt this…hurt when he left after a hookup. He should take the experience as a reminder of why he didn’t get involved. You could build your whole life up around someone, like his father had, only to come home one day to find them gone.
You’re the reason.
His mother’s and maternal grandmother’s cold words still held power, but Sam had taken those words, ones she’d heard as a child, too, and given them new meaning. If he was honest with himself, she was different from the very beginning, but that intimate understanding of what the other had been through had forged something unique. At least on his part. The connection they seemed to have was intense, even before they’d entered his apartment. He was always the one to do the leaving, afraid for things to get serious or give anyone the wrong impression. For the first time, though, he hadn’t wanted to end what he’d started. Maybe that was what was bothering him—the fact that she made the choice to walk away from him like they’d previously discussed. Just because he’d let his emotions get involved didn’t mean she had. Or perhaps the reason was witnessing Ransom’s happiness at finding Brynn. Was he envious of his friend’s newfound contentment? The smile that never seemed to leave his lips? Then there was the part about him bringing Sam to his apartment.
He didn’t like sharing his personal space, even for a short period of time. The place wasn’t anything special, but it was his, and although his décor might seem sparse, it would give others a glimpse into who he was. Pictures of him and his sister—the only person he loved aside from his teammates. Wall art of deep space. The Millennium Falcon and other Star Wars replicas. Some Navy trinkets and memorabilia people had given him over the years. Bringing a woman there was like having a piece of his personality on display, and he let people see only what he wanted. Had he invited Sam into his space because his subconscious recognized she was important or had it been the desire to see how she fit there? God, had she fit. Like she’d always belonged.
He flipped on his directional and took a right turn into the driveway of Ransom’s sprawling ranch-style home. Happiness didn’t begin to describe what he’d felt when Ransom’s offer was accepted on this house. Relief. Gratitude. Regret. He’d toured the house with Ransom, Jacob, Brynn, and the guys that day, and he’d fucked up huge, sticking his nose where it didn’t belong out of fear. He’d been so sure Brynn was going to hurt his lovestruck friend that he dug into her past. Luckily, Ransom wasn’t going to let anyone second-guess her character. He’d been wrong about Brynn. She was his friend’s perfect match. A combination of strength and kindness he’d grown to love.
Joker cut the engine, unbuckled, and slid out of his truck, hefting the bag from the grocery store off of the seat. Yellow flowers of some kind bordered the accessible ramp and the stairs leading to the front door. The house had a striking stone and wood fa?ade with large glass windows that brought the outdoors inside, but that wasn’t what made it the perfect home for Ransom’s family. The grounds and the interior had been built with accessibility in mind. The previous owner had been a veteran wounded in combat who went on to adopt a boy with cerebral palsy, like Ransom’s brother.
Joker didn’t bother knocking before he opened the door and stepped into the bright foyer. He put the bag from the deli on the rustic bench and began to unlace his boots. Then the sound of a guitar chord resonated through the room. Long, confident notes drifted into the foyer. He closed his eyes as a sweet, sultry voice joined the notes, lacing words with the melodic tone of the stringed instrument. His breath burned through his lungs as he stood hostage. Each note spilled over into his soul and wound around him. That voice locked him in place, leaving him to breathe through a torrent of emotions. He’d finally accepted that he’d lost his chance with her, and now it sounded as though she were only steps away. He’d never forget that voice. Could recognize it anywhere. The sound of it had been almost spiritual that night at the bar, soothing some of the emotional turmoil he was feeling after his mission. With her song flowing through him, he was able to lay the mother and children to rest, at least in his mind. Sam had moved him. Changed something fundamental within him.
A flicker of determination sparked in his chest. He’d spent two months in a haze. Two months of fragmented sleep, haunted by a pair of golden eyes and a shy smile. Now, by some miracle, she was here in his teammate’s house. The song ended, and he took one step forward, then two. He had to find out what he had done to make her leave like she had. To see if there was any chance they might keep in touch this time. The hurt he’d felt when he woke to find her gone still lingered. They’d promised each other nothing, and she wasn’t bound to him in any way, but his emotions hadn’t listened to logic.
When he heard his teammates laugh at something Sam said, white-hot jealousy polluted his airways until the conversation from this morning’s run, one he wasn’t paying much attention to, popped into his head. Sam hadn’t met one of his teammates in some unfair twist of fate and accompanied them to the get-together—she was Jacob’s new music therapist. Also the woman who had saved Brynn when she’d been run off of the road months ago. She didn’t just sound like an angel, she was one.
He stepped into the living room, and every pair of eyes swung in his direction. His teammates instantly straightened, alerted to the intensity rolling off of him. He and his teammates struggled together. Bled together. Broke together. Of course they would sense the force of his mood. He let his gaze land on the woman he was both desperate to see and also scared to ever see again. She could break him. Her eyes widened, and her hands tightened on the guitar in her lap. She looked so pretty in a sunny top that ruffled around her shoulders. Jacob was sitting next to her on the couch, a wide smile on his face, and Brynn was on the other. Their big mutt, Oscar, was draped over her lap like a blanket.
“Joker.” Ransom started forward and gripped his shoulder. “You’ve got to meet Samantha Campbell, the woman who rescued Brynn. Also now Jacob’s music therapist.”
She’d been right under his nose for the past two months, but he’d fallen into such a funk, he hadn’t been spending as much time with his team off base.
“Hey, Starburst.” Sam stared at him unblinking. Frozen in place like he’d been in the foyer. Silver was looking from him to Sam and back again.
“You two know each other?” Branch was lounging in one of the leather recliners.
Joker waited for her to say something, anything. The air in the room seemed to buzz with electricity. He wasn’t one to second-guess himself, but for whatever reason maybe she wasn’t comfortable with anyone knowing they’d met before. When he thought of all the reasons why that might be, none of the answers sat well with him.
“Sam? Is everything okay?” Brynn moved the dog from where it was resting comfortably on her lap and leaned forward so she could look around Jacob to Sam.
She suddenly seemed to snap out of the daze she’d been in and began securing her guitar in its case. “Yeah, everything’s fine. I’m sorry to leave like this, but I have to go.” She abruptly stood, knocking a throw pillow to the ground. “Thanks for having me again, Jacob.”
Brynn lifted Jacob’s tablet to his face, and the teen’s eyes moved over the screen. The gaze-driven device had opened up more communication for him. “Thanks. See you,” the tablet vocalized.
“You will. Next Friday.” Sam gave Jacob and Brynn a shaken smile.
“I’ll walk you out,” Brynn said, eyes narrowed at him, filled with promise of the verbal assault to come once she got back inside. She stood, her dark hair falling long and loose around her shoulders. “Although, if it’s Joker that’s made you want to leave, you should stay. He can leave.”
Sam’s eyes widened and her face scrunched up in confusion. If he wasn’t so damn upset by her reaction to him, it would’ve been almost comical.
“No! Not necessary. I—There’s something I forgot.” Sam fumbled her guitar case, nearly dropping it to the ground. “Really nice to see everyone again.”
His teammates turned to glower at him, arms crossed stiffly over their chests. As the seconds ticked by it was more and more apparent to them that something had happened between him and Sam. And that he’d upset her in some way.
She walked toward him, eyes downcast, and tried to slip by. A growl of frustration rumbled deep in his throat, and he stepped in her path. Her face drained of color, and he frowned at the visible pulse jumping beneath the delicate skin of her neck. What the hell?
“I have to go.” She didn’t meet his gaze, and a sour taste coated his throat.
“Not until we talk.”
She shook her head, blond strands swaying around her face. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Like hell there isn’t,” he bit out. Shit. He needed to get a lock on his emotions before he startled her any more than he already had.
“Joker.” Ransom’s voice was sharp with warning. “She said she doesn’t want to talk.”
“It’s okay, Ransom. Julian did nothing wrong. Not even a little bit.” Her eyes glazed and he swore her chin wobbled. Now he was doubly confused by her reaction.
“You avoiding my gaze, looking at me like the devil himself just walked into the room tells me I missed something big.” He made a point to gentle his tone. His sheer size was intimidating, but he’d never hurt someone who didn’t deserve it. He’d certainly never hurt Sam.
“We both agreed.” She dropped her voice to a whisper. “One night. Nothing more.”
“You didn’t leave a note. A number. I told you I’d drive you home. Did you walk? Do you know how dangerous—”
“No more so than letting a stranger know where I live.”
And those were the words that hardened his resolve. The fact that she’d trusted him to take care of her that night and now he was some stranger who she didn’t want knowing her address made his stomach knot.
“Ransom, we’re using the sunroom,” he grumbled. “Please. Just five minutes.”
She nodded. “Yeah. Okay.”
“Hey.” Branch had put the recliner in an upright position and stood. “If you don’t feel safe, you don’t have to talk to him.”
“It’s not that, but thanks for looking out for me.”
Silver had approached them. “You say the word, darlin’, and we’ll gladly kick his ass.”
They would, too, and he was happy for it. Even if they were teammates, hurting or making a woman feel uncomfortable wasn’t something they’d let slide. He certainly hadn’t meant to intimidate Sam, but he had all the same.
“Not necessary. At all,” she said. That seemed to appease Silver a fraction, but he still glowered at him.
Joker released a breath and began walking. Sam followed him down the hallway and into the bright glass room attached to the home. His heart was firing in rapid succession. He didn’t want to screw this up.
He shut the door behind them and turned to face Sam. He hated the fear in her eyes. Hated that she seemed to have forgotten everything they’d shared. He’d felt her every reaction, her every sigh so deep within his soul it was impossible to purge the memories. That couldn’t all be one-sided.
“When I woke up and you were gone, I was worried about you. I know we said one night, but the moment you stepped into my apartment I knew how difficult that was going to be. I was going to ask you to spend the night. Is that all I was to you, Starburst?” He stepped closer, but didn’t crowd her space. “Some stranger you let take up to their apartment for the night? Because it sure as hell didn’t feel that way when you were wrapped around me. When I was moving inside you and neither of us could get enough. When you whispered you were going to take everything you’d felt and hold it close.”
A pink hue flushed over Sam’s cheeks, taking away the ashen look she’d had moments before. Oh, yeah, she remembered. Satisfaction swelled inside him. Now they were getting somewhere.
“We agreed neither of us wanted anything more, and if I stayed, that’s what would’ve happened.”
She wasn’t wrong in her assessment. By the end of the night, his mind was muddled to the point that he didn’t want to let her go. “Why’d you really leave?”
“I just told you. It was one night. That’s all I wanted.” She bit her top lip, and he noticed her eyes had lost some of the light and sparkle from the night he’d met her.
“Bullshit.” He took another step closer. “I walked into the living room and the color leached from your face. What the hell was that about? Did I hurt you in some way that night? Upset you? Scare you?” He held his breath, waiting for her answer as a sick sensation gripped him. “Because the thought of that makes me want to hurl.”
“God no,” she croaked out, her shields faltering. “Is that what you thought? You did nothing to me that I didn’t welcome. You… You’re the reason I felt whole that night. The reason I now have a beautiful memory of intimacy. Of my birthday.”
There was so much about those last sentences that he wanted to dissect, but first he had to know. “Then tell me, Starburst. Why I woke up ready to pull you into my arms only to find an empty bed. Why for the first time in my life I broke every rule and brought a woman into my personal space, slept with her in my arms, let her see more of me than I’ve shown my own teammates only to find her gone. Tell me, Sam, because I don’t understand.” His breath was ragged and an unfamiliar emotion wedged in his throat. He’d broken another rule and revealed his hand. Shown his true feelings and laid all his pent-up anguish at her feet.
Part of him willed her to stomp out that tiny flicker that burned bright in his chest when he thought of her. To put an end to something destined to fail, if only because of who he was. The other part wanted her to jump into his arms and give them a fighting chance. Tell him that the connection between them was too thick to sever, and she needed more. Who the hell was he kidding? He was who he was. A man women were more than happy to jump into bed with but one they never wanted to keep because he made sure of it with his callous affront.
Only now, with Sam standing before him, did he wish he could be different. The kind of man who deserved a woman like Sam.