Chapter Four
S am could hardly draw a breath. Julian, who everyone in the house seemed to know as Joker, stood inches from her, his intense gaze locked on her face. Those incredible hazel eyes were flecked with pain. A reflection of everything she’d felt in the two months since she slipped out of his apartment. With each caress, each quiet whisper she’d started dreaming if there could be more between them. It wasn’t just the sex, and even with her limited experience she understood what they shared wasn’t the norm—it was the in between when they were lying in bed catching their breath. The easy banter. The way he spoke to her like she was special. The appreciation in his eyes when they roamed over her body, like she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. By the end of the night she was so thoroughly loved, the delusions she’d had about some kind of relationship with Julian didn’t seem so far-fetched.
That was until she’d gotten up in the early morning hours to use the bathroom and saw the black dog tags on the countertop by the sink. The floor had dropped out from beneath her, along with the stupid fantasy that she and Julian could be something more. He was not only in the military, he was Special Forces. The same group of men and women her father had betrayed. He’d turned his back on his team, family, and country out of greed. Julian was an honorable man, and if he knew he’d slept with the daughter of a traitor, he’d be sickened. With blurred vision she quietly collected her clothes and left him, and what felt like a chunk of her heart, behind. Like she’d planned to the night before, she’d walked home, barely able to contain her tears. She’d never experienced a loss so acute, and for weeks she wondered why she was so broken up over a man she’d only just met. Standing before him now, she understood just how far she’d fallen that night.
“Sam?” Julian was still waiting for her response, but what was she supposed to say? That he was a hero and she was trash? That she didn’t deserve to be in the same room as someone like him after the things her father had done? Then a terrible realization dawned on her. If Julian was Special Forces, then maybe Brynn’s fiancé was, too. She’d known they were in the Navy and that was hard enough. God, how did she miss it—they were all huge and built, practically left a haze of testosterone in their wake. Not your average sailor. The closest friend she’d made in a very long time was engaged to a SEAL, and now she was going to lose her, too.
She looked up at Julian and blinked. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. There was no way Julian was going to let this go, not without uncovering all her secrets. Not unless she killed that glint of hope in his eyes. “It was just a one-night stand for me. You made it good, and I appreciate that, but I don’t want more than what we had. Take care.” She turned quickly so he wouldn’t see her tears. Wouldn’t see the lie that was probably plain on her face. She’d never hated herself more. Her fingers closed around the doorknob and she pushed it open, rushing through the house to the front door. By the time she stepped into the driveway, tears were freely streaming down her face. The day was warm for fall, but everything inside her was cold and numb. She got behind the wheel of her ten-year-old sedan, put it in reverse, and backed out of the driveway.
It wasn’t until she was home that she realized she’d left her guitar at Brynn and Jacob’s house. She’d have to make up some excuse and pick it up in the morning. Once Julian told his friends about the kind of woman she was, they might not welcome her back to work with Jacob. She pulled the ends of a knit throw more tightly around herself and dipped her head to her knees. Her little dog, Angel, hopped on the back of the couch, crawled up her back and licked the side of her cheek, then settled at her hip.
*
Pounding on the door made her startle and nearly fall from the couch. Angel was up on her three legs, barking in a series of high-pitched yips. The interaction with Julian had wrecked her so thoroughly, she’d fallen asleep in the middle of the afternoon. She stood up, rubbed her eyes, and made her way to the front of the house—not that it was far. The tiny one-bedroom, one-bathroom home was just the right size, and the right price for someone living on their own. She looked out the peephole and her stomach twisted with guilt.
She unlocked the door and swung it open. Angel stopped barking and did a canine version of the happy dance upon seeing their visitor. “Brynn. I’m so sorry about running out earlier.” Her friend stood at the door, her guitar case in one hand and a large bag in the other. “You didn’t have to bring that by. I could’ve gotten it later or—”
“Sam, stop. Did you really think I wasn’t going to come check on you? You’re my best friend. The only real girlfriend I’ve ever had, so stuff your sorrys in a sack and tell me every single thing about what happened this afternoon while you’re stuffing your face with the food the guys packed up for you.”
She glanced at the huge bag in Brynn’s hand and pain lodged in her throat. Brynn swept past her into the kitchen and put the plate on the counter then turned back and squeezed her into a hug.
“Squishing me,” Sam mock wheezed, which in turn made her friend hug her harder. She giggled. Even with eyes swollen from crying and her heart full of self-depreciation for hurting Julian, Brynn could make her laugh.
“That’s what you get for bailing on the cookout. Now warm up your food and meet me on the couch. The guys separated the hot stuff from the cold, so don’t microwave the wrong one.” Brynn scooped up Angel and planted a kiss right on the dog’s nose. Not many people would venture that close to the jagged bottom row of teeth that protruded from a prominent underbite or the tongue that perpetually hung from the small dog’s mouth. Her veterinarian and the animal shelter suspected she was part Chinese crested, due to her hairless body and flowing mane around her face, and maybe Brussels griffon because of her hunched back, and some Chihuahua thrown in there somewhere.
Brynn took the dog in the other room and Sam could hear her crooning over Angel and making kissy noises. Again, she smiled despite her mood. When she took the containers out of the bag, her eyes burned again. She’d never really had friends before, but Brynn and the men had pulled her into the fold. A pang ricocheted through her chest. She wasn’t going to be able to keep them, just like she wasn’t able to keep Julian.
She put the cheeseburger, rice, and corn on the cob into the microwave. They’d packed a hamburger bun in a separate zip-lock bag and macaroni salad and potato salad in the cold container, which she put in the refrigerator for later. Brynn’s men could eat. The microwave beeped, and she took her meal into the living room and sat on the couch with her friend.
“While you’re eating,” Brynn said, lifting Angel to her face and pressing a kiss on the dog’s forehead, “I’ll tell you what happened when you left. First, Joker tried to follow after you, only to be stopped by the rest of the guys, who demanded an explanation.”
“Poor Julian.” She lifted the cheeseburger to her lips, took a bite, and sighed. Silver made a mean burger.
“Poor Julian?” Brynn threw her head back and laughed. “You must really have him hooked if he’s shown you a side of him that would merit sympathy. Jacob was not happy with Joker, either, and out of all Ransom’s friends, the two of them have the closest bond. The guys laid into him. Wanted to know what he did to screw up and make you run out the door like your pants were on fire.”
Sam nearly choked on a mouthful of rice. “Nothing. He did nothing.”
“Nothing, as in he didn’t call, nothing? Or nothing, as in he didn’t pull out, nothing. Or—”
“Brynn!”
“Sorry.” Brynn held up both hands, palms facing Sam. “Just trying to figure out where you and Joker stand.”
“There is no me and…Joker…Julian.” She put her food to the side and wiped her mouth with a paper napkin before settling back into the cushions and pillows. She dragged the knit throw off of the back of the couch and draped it over her legs. It made her feel less vulnerable.
“Then start at the beginning. How do you know Joker?”
“Remember I told you about my birthday?” Her belly tumbled at the mere mention of that night. She certainly would never think of her birthday the same way again, and that was both good and bad. Good because Julian had obliterated every horrible birthday memory that night—except for one that would haunt her forever. Bad because now she had a whole new set of memories. Sweet, torturous memories of the most perfect, heart-full-to-bursting, sated, and well-loved night of her life.
“Yeah, of course. I remember being mad that you insisted on taking a gig instead of doing something fun with me because you hate your birthday, and—” Brynn drew in a long, exaggerated breath that had Angel scrambling off of her lap in a panic. “Birthday bodyguard. No. Way. That cannot be Joker.” Brynn covered her eyes, then peeked through a slit in her fingers. “Oh God. It is, isn’t it? I’m never going to be able look at him the same way again,” she groaned.
“I never thought I’d see him again.” Like every emotion she seemed to have where Julian was concerned, she was torn. Did she want to see him again? Her body and her heart were screaming out a big hell to the yes while her brain was flashing a detour sign and demanding she take another route—one that bypassed Julian, if only for the pain he would cause her. She didn’t think he’d intentionally hurt her, but after the night they’d shared, she was certain she could easily fall in love with Julian. Once he discovered who her father was, he wouldn’t be able to get away fast enough, and she’d be left nursing a shattered heart.
“But you described him as the man of your dreams. Why wouldn’t you be happy to see him?” Brynn was holding on to Angel again, and the dog kept blinking sleepily and then startling herself awake.
“I never told you the real reason I left.” Sam laced her hands together. “I went into the bathroom and saw his dog tags.”
“And?” Brynn’s brows were drawn together in confusion.
“It’s”—Sam sighed—“complicated.” She needed to come clean to her friend about her family history. Brynn had told her everything about her past and her brother’s abuse. She was going to be pissed that Sam hadn’t shared this with her—if she could even look at her the same way again.
“So, uncomplicate it.” Brynn glanced at the clock. “I have all night.”
She cleared her throat. “I want you to know that I’ve been so grateful for your friendship and…” Sam blew out a long breath. “And I never meant to deceive you.”
Brynn reeled back. “It sounds like you’re breaking up with me, for Pete’s sake. Just tell me what’s wrong. Why is Joker being a SEAL such an issue?”
“Okay.” She blew out another long, pent-up breath. “But first, I will think no less of you if you don’t want to be friends after I tell you about my past. If you don’t want me to work with Jacob, there will be no hard feelings, although I will miss him.”
“You know, you’re starting to tick me off.” Brynn blew out a breath.
“Right, well, my dad was a soldier. He was proud of it at first, then, something changed. He was always complaining about the military when he was home from a tour. Hated being told what to do. Was unhappy with the pay. Then one day, agents from the FBI and Army Counterintelligence unit showed up at our house looking for him. They told us he’d deserted his team and had been providing known terrorists with information on several teams including Special Forces. They tore through our house, looking for anything that would help them locate him. He showed up at home three days later, my birthday, and snuck past the officer staked outside our house. The moment he stepped foot in the door, I called the police. My mom chased me through the house. Tried to wrestle the phone from me. Knowing he was responsible for dozens of deaths made me want to put him behind bars for life.”
Brynn drew in a sharp breath. “And did they?”
“Yes. Conspiracy. Treason. Terrorism. Murder. That’s who I come from. For the first time in a very long time, Julian made me feel beautiful. Special. I’ll never forget a second of that night, and I’m grateful for it, but Julian does not need a traitor’s daughter in his life. He deserves…everything.” The room got fuzzy as tears built up along her lower lashes.
“Do you hold me responsible for my brother’s actions? He’s in jail for attempted murder. He targeted a woman who shared my likeness. Every time the guilt wells up inside me, I have to remind myself that Fergus’s actions were his alone. What happened to that woman was horrible. Thank goodness she’s okay. But it was Fergus who chose to take her. I am not him, and whatever sickness runs through his veins is not in mine.”
Sam shook her head as tears spilt over her cheeks. “I get what you’re saying, and of course I would never, ever think you’re a bad person because of your brother. This is different, though. Men and women died. Didn’t go home to their families. They were sacrificing so much to protect their country only to be betrayed by one of their own. Julian is too good of a man to stain his character by being involved with me.”
“By being involved with a hero? The person who made the devastating decision to put her own father in jail in the name of what was right? To protect more lives from being lost? Sam. You put a stop to that. You broke your own family apart to get justice for the ones your father destroyed. I’d say Joker would be proud of you.”
A bitter laugh escaped Sam’s lips. “Don’t make me out to be something I’m not. Please, Brynn. Don’t.”
“You didn’t see him when you left. He was…well, like I’ve never seen him before. What happened between the two of you meant something to him. He may be grouchy, moody, and generally distrustful. That’s why the guys call him Joker in the first place—to poke fun at his sour disposition. He’s also loyal and protective of those who matter to him. You fall into that realm. I understand now why he’s isolated himself for the past couple of months. The reason you haven’t seen him with the other guys is because he was keeping to himself. Nursing his wounds in private.”
“And I’m sorry. So sorry I hurt him, but that’s better than the humiliation he’ll get in the future for being linked to me.”
“Yes, it would be so dreadful to be seen with someone like you. A music therapist for children with disabilities and long-term or terminal illness. Someone sweet, and brave, and beautiful. Someone who would adopt the—” Brynn covered the sleeping dog’s ears and spelled out what she was going to say: “ U-G-L-I-E-S-T dog and nurse her back to health, make her trust after all she’s been through, would be horrible to be with. Oh wait, and I forgot to add someone who put a terrorist behind bars. Real awful.” Brynn removed a sleeping Angel from her chest and crawled across the couch. “You are also the reason I’m sitting here, lecturing you.”
The weight of Brynn’s arms landed around Sam’s shoulders. She didn’t deserve an ounce of the grace her friend was giving her. “I was in the right place at the right time.”
“And you know what?” Brynn asked, resting her head on Sam’s shoulder.
“What?” Sam wasn’t sure she wanted to hear more. Her heart was already a dull thud in her chest.
“I think you were in the right place at the right time in that bar two months ago on your birthday. I think you should talk to Joker and put him out of his misery. Tell him the truth. Nothing your father did is going to change how the guys think of you. Except maybe that you’re incredibly brave.” Brynn tensed her arms, giving her another soft squeeze.
“You can’t tell them.” Her voice was harsher than she expected, born out of desperation. Her past had a way of sneaking up on her—every couple of months to be exact. When her mother ran out of money, Sam would come home to find her sitting on her front steps scowling, usually drunk or high. She’d get the same lecture about how her mother’s life was ruined because of her only daughter, and the least she could do was loan her a few thousand dollars. Of course, Sam wasn’t independently wealthy, so she didn’t have much to spare. Regardless, every time her mother walked away, it was with every last cent she had. That meant the remaining weeks of the month were spent eating cheap yogurt or instant noodles. That was the real reason Sam had been camping deep in the woods, off of any trail, when Brynn stumbled upon their campsite—avoiding her mother. She just had nothing left to give. But guilt. That she had in spades.
“But, Sam…” Brynn bit her bottom lip, and looked as though she was struggling with what to say.
“No. Please. Just leave it be.” She didn’t want Brynn or Julian to know that her mother was a money-hungry addict. Worse than that, though, she didn’t want to admit the guilt she felt for putting her father behind bars. That somehow felt like she was taking his side. Like she was being selfish in wanting her family to be whole when her father had destroyed so many others. There was even guilt for feeling guilty.
Guilt for grieving a man she had loved. A man who once let her ride on his shoulders and pushed her on the tire swing in their backyard. A man who would never watch his daughter grow up, or someday know his grandchildren—not like that was going to happen at the current rate, but still that opportunity had been given away the moment he betrayed his fellow service members. Guilt for hating him for making the choices he had and for not being enough to make him reconsider his plans. For making her feel like a traitor and a terrorist right along with him. For making her not be worthy of a man she could’ve only conjured up in her dreams.