Chapter Nineteen
Ren
Lydia wasn’t speaking to me.
It was two days since we shared a tent, and not a word.
I’d fallen back asleep that morning, with her in my arms, safe and sound, but by the time I came around, I was alone.
I stumbled out, half-expecting a smile, a look, something.
But she was by the campfire, eating a granola bar, laughing with Amy and Claire, carefully avoiding my gaze.
As we did the final hike back to the Red Dragon, she wove in and out of the other hikers, avoiding me at all costs.
When we reached the B&B, I tried to hang back, to find a moment to talk about what had happened between us, but she climbed straight into her car and drove off.
No goodbye, no glance, nothing.
I spent the drive home reliving every conversation, every touch, my palms sweating. I texted her when I got home. No reply. Every time my phone vibrated, my heart pounded, praying it was her. But no luck. I didn’t understand how we’d gone from her curled in my arms to this suffocating distance.
But guilt gnawed at me all the same. This is how she must have felt when I left. Confused and hollowed out. Alone.
You deserve this, the familiar voice said, you deserve this pain.
I’d headed out on a walk, needing to clear my head, when I found myself at the steps of my brother’s house, a renovated 1930s semi, with hanging baskets and a newly painted yellow front door, painstakingly painted by Kat when she had felt like a colour change.
I rapped my knuckles against the door, the porch light flickering on.
The door opened, my brother crowding it.
‘Ren?’ he said, his voice low and a little tired. He was in a T-shirt and a pair of long striped pyjama bottoms.
‘Shit! Were you asleep?’ I checked my watch and recoiled. Jesus, it was only 7 o’clock at night. Were all blissfully happy couples looking like something out of a Dickens novel at this time of night?
Liam’s eyes flickered across me, like he was scanning for injuries.
‘Sorry,’ I rubbed a hand across my mouth, feeling stupid. ‘I’ll leave you to it—’
Liam grabbed my shoulder and pulled me into the house. ‘Get your arse in here.’
My brother had a weird way of showing affection.
‘Who is it?’ Kat’s voice echoed down the hallway.
‘Ren.’
‘Oh,’ Kat said, appearing at the end of the hallway, also dressed in a pyjama set that looked worrying similar to my brothers.
Matching pyjamas, too? Maybe I was happy single.
Then again, I’d wear a clown suit down Everly Heath High Street if it meant Lydia would speak to me.
Kat’s eyes were curious. ‘Ren. This is a surprise. Do you want a drink? Liam made a bolognese.’
She led us into the kitchen, the soft pink cabinets lit by the counter lights.
The patio doors were dark, but I could just about make out the garden studio Liam had built for Kat for her interior-design business.
Liam’s hands reached across Kat, grabbing a Coke Zero for himself, before turning to me.
‘Beer?’
‘Please.’ I accepted the can from Liam. ‘Thanks.’
I pulled up a bar stool, sitting at their kitchen counter, taking a long sip of the beer. I glanced up to find Kat and Liam staring at me, with mixed expressions of worry and bemusement.
‘What?’
‘You look…’
‘Terrible,’ Liam concluded.
Kat swatted at Liam’s arm. ‘Don’t say that!’
‘What?’ Liam said, gesturing a hand to me. ‘He does! He looks like he hasn’t slept in days. I mean, his lovesick arse did decide to go on a hiking trip and sleep in tents for weeks, so I guess it’s his own fault.’
‘It’s romantic,’ Kat said in a low voice, between her teeth.
‘So come on then,’ Liam said, folding his arms. ‘What’s up?’
‘I’m fine, I’m fine. I was just out for a walk. And before I knew it, I was here.’
More silence.
‘Okay, okay,’ I sighed. ‘I’m not fine.’
Kat took a seat. Liam moved closer.
‘Okay,’ Kat said, nodding. ‘Shoot.’
I told them about the last day or so – keeping it PG – and finished with the fact that Lydia hadn’t answered any of my calls or texts and I was near a breakdown.
Well, I didn’t actually say it like that, but I was pretty sure they could tell from the strain in my voice.
And the expression on my face. When I was finished, they were both frowning.
‘So…’ Kat bit her lip. ‘Let me get this straight. You two share a tent…’
I held up a hand. ‘I’m not getting into the details with you.’
Liam grimaced. ‘Please don’t.’
‘I think we can use our imagination.’
‘Nope,’ Liam said, hands in front of his face. ‘My mind is blank.’
Kat continued, undeterred, ‘And you woke up. Everything fine. But now she’s ghosting you?’
‘Bingo.’
‘Right. Okay.’ Kat tapped her fingers on the counter top. ‘We need to think about what would’ve triggered that.’
‘Maybe she came to her senses,’ Liam said dryly.
I stood up, pushing the bar stool back. ‘Right. I’ll be off then.’
Kat shot out a hand to stop me, then swivelled to her fiancé, raising a single, deadly finger.
‘Liam.’
His eyes widened, even as his eyes flickered across Kat’s face, a little fascinated.
‘Your brother is having a crisis. You will not take the piss. You will listen, and you will give him sage, big-brotherly advice. Now, I’m going back to watch Love Island so you two can talk.’ Her eyes narrowed on Liam. ‘Understood?’
Liam raised both hands in surrender, a little satisfied smile on his face. ‘Sufficiently threatened, Red.’
More like sufficiently turned on. Yuck.
Kat gave me a pat on the back and a sympathetic smile, and made her way back to the front room. Once she was gone, Liam looked at me expectantly.
‘Right.’ Liam came around the island to sit next to me. ‘Let’s go over this again.’
I sighed. ‘I told you everything I know. I’ve not got a clue why she won’t speak to me. As usual, I’ve done something wrong. I’m sure you’re ecstatic that I’ve fucked up this grand-gesture plan of yours,’ I mumbled. ‘You can rub it in now.’
I hated the petulant tone to my voice. Liam always looked for the worst in me, and now I was proving him right.
‘I’m not going to rub it in, Ren,’ Liam said softly.
I shrugged like a grumpy child. ‘I wouldn’t blame you.’
‘This is my fault.’ Liam sighed.
I frowned, glancing up to find Liam rubbing his forehead. ‘What, because you encouraged me to go? I mean, Sandra would have killed me if I hadn’t—’
‘No, not that,’ Liam said, looking at me. ‘Look. I’m jealous of you.’
My eyes widened. Then I chuckled.
‘Jealous of me?’
Liam nodded. ‘I’ve always been a little jealous of you, Ren.
I’m not too proud to admit it. When Mum died – you got to keep being a kid.
And I felt like I had to step up, and be like her – a person everyone relied on.
I felt like I needed to be a replacement parent to you.
’ Liam placed a hand on my shoulder. ‘But at some point I let that turn into resentment and I shouldn’t have done that.
I shouldn’t have put that on you. I let our relationship turn from brothers to parent-and-child and it’s not healthy for any of us. And I’m sorry.’
My mouth was agape as I stared at my brother. He’d never admit any faults to me – he’d always been this untouchable, perfect son.
‘You – you’re sorry.’ I shook my head, my world view shifting on its axis. ‘You’re jealous of me? What—’ I stuttered. ‘What do you have to be jealous of?’
‘You don’t see it, do you?’ Liam smiled ruefully. ‘You’re everyone’s favourite. You come into the room and no one else wants to talk to me, the boring, morose one. You’re the fun one, the magnetic one. It’s something you and Lydia have in common really, when I think about it.’
Liam smiled and I was desperately trying to let the words sink in, but they didn’t make sense.
My voice croaked. ‘I don’t have a life – not like yours, Liam. I mean, I have no life apart from Lily’s.’
‘And, by the way – I vastly underestimated your role at Lily’s, as I’ve realised since you’ve been gone the last few weeks.
’ Liam shook his head. ‘We ran out of the Vinho Verde. I didn’t know which supplier we sourced it from.
And I need you to order some more of those cocktail napkins, because I ordered some plain ones and Kat hates them.
Apparently, they are too big for cocktails and look like something you’d give out at a barbecue, not a restaurant. ’
Something like pride burst in my chest. It felt foreign and indulgent, so I laughed it off.
I held up my hands. ‘It’s not our fault you have shit taste in napkins.’
Liam doesn’t laugh, as if he sees through my attempt to lighten the mood.
‘And it’s not just that – it’s the energy around the place.
The staff are lower when you aren’t there.
The regulars have been asking where you’ve been.
I’m just stuck in the kitchen, no one cares about me.
It’s you they come for.’ Liam slaps his thighs.
‘So I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the farm. ’
My heart sinks. I want to stay in this bubble, not hear how the farm is a bad idea, yet again.
‘We don’t have to bring this up, Liam.’
‘I’m in,’ he says. ‘I’ve spoken to Kat, and we’re willing to put some of the money from when I sold my house.
And we might have to put this house up for collateral too.
’ Liam sucks in a breath. ‘Kat says she will. And we’ll need Dad’s and Jack’s help, of course, for the renovation, but I’m sure we can figure something out.
We can make it work. I can call Bert tomorrow—’
I clenched my fists. He had a determined edge to his jaw.
Liam’s face was… determined. Hopeful. As if he’d really thought about this, and wanted to figure out a way – any way – to make it work.
He was trying to be the superman, the untouchable problem solver for everyone else’s problems. But after what he had just told me about shouldering the burden of losing Mum, I couldn’t do that to him.