Chapter Thirty-Four
EMERSON FINISHED DRYING her hair the morning of the Suicide-Awareness Rally, thinking about the roller coaster of a week they’d had. The conversation with Marco and Andrea had been nerve-racking, but it had gone better than she could have hoped. Marco had come prepared to relinquish his parental rights, which had floored them, but Emerson breathed easier knowing he didn’t plan to seek custody in the future. In turn, Marco wanted Brennan to be told the truth about who his biological father was, and they’d agreed to keep lines of communication open as Brennan got older, in case he wanted to meet Marco. Baz’s friend Justice, an attorney and a Dark Knight, had connected them with a family-practice lawyer who had drawn up the necessary documents to make it all legal. They’d gotten the notarized documents back yesterday, and once Baz was home from Indonesia, they’d talk with his friend Tasha about how best to handle things with Brennan as he got older.
Dealing with that situation was hard , and she knew today would be difficult, too. They’d stayed up late the last couple of nights talking about Ashley and about how emotional the event would be for everyone. She was glad she would be there to support Baz and his family. Baz had been worried about what feelings such an emotional day might stir in her. She knew she’d get emotional, but without the guilt that had previously weighed her down and with how much closer she felt to her parents after the video calls and going through their things, she wasn’t afraid of the emotions. Everything she and Baz had been through had strengthened their relationship, and she knew that together they could get through anything.
She put away the hair dryer, put on makeup, and took one last look in the mirror. She was wearing the green sundress Baz had bought her. It was easy to nurse in, and she wanted to look nice for the event. It also had the added benefit of the wonderful memories they’d created in it. They’d seen the proofs from the photo shoot, and the love resonating from them was inescapable. Baz had ordered enough copies to share with his family and their friends. When she’d sent the digital proofs to Gwen, she’d been thrilled to learn her parents were there with her.
She went to get Baz’s cut from the rocking chair, where he’d left it Wednesday night. He had to get to the clubhouse to meet the rest of the Dark Knights for the ride that preceded the rally. She heard Brennan giggling and reveled in the sound as she left the bedroom. She saw Baz lying on the living room floor across from Brennan, who was on his belly on a blanket beside Ollie. The three of them had their heads together, and she could hear Baz whispering but couldn’t make out what he was saying. Whatever it was held Brennan’s and Ollie’s rapt attention, which was freaking adorable. She loved moments like this. Knowing how much she’d miss them while Baz was overseas, she hung back, unseen, soaking it in.
Baz picked up a rattle, and he tapped Ollie’s paw with it, whispering again. Ollie pushed it with his nose, and Brennan giggled. A soft laugh escaped before she could stop it, and all three of them lifted their heads. Ollie’s tail wagged, and Brennan made happy noises, pushing up on his tiny hands.
“There’s nothing to see here,” Baz said as she went to them. “Move along. We’re just having a little guy talk, right, Little B?” He leaned forward and kissed the tip of Brennan’s nose, inciting more giggles.
God she loved him.
“Sorry to interrupt your guy talk, but you have to get going.”
Baz looked at Brennan and Ollie. “Okay, boys. Remember the guy code.” He put a finger over his lips; then he pointed to his own eyes with his index and second fingers, turned them around and pointed at them, like he was watching them, as he pushed to his feet.
“Why am I suddenly feeling outnumbered?” She handed him his cut and scooped up Brennan, who grabbed a fistful of her hair. “Hey.” She carefully extracted it from his little hand and covered his cheek with kisses, earning more happy noises.
Baz tugged her hair.
“You, too?” She turned and was met with a deep dimpled grin.
He tapped his cheek. “Where’re my smooches?”
“You got kisses in very special places this morning,” she reminded him.
“I can never get enough.” He slid his arm around her waist and kissed her lips. “I love you.”
“I love you more.” She’d never tire of hearing or saying those three words to him.
His brows slanted as he put on his cut, and he looked at Brennan. “Your mama has no idea how big my love for her is.”
“Yes, I do.” She put Brennan on the blanket.
“Oh yeah? How big?”
“Big enough that it’ll never run out,” she said sassily.
“Good answer, but not even close.” He grabbed her butt and kissed her again. “Do I need to take you into the bedroom and show you again?”
Yes, please. She loved that he always wanted her as badly as she wanted him. “We don’t have time. You have to leave.”
He pulled her close again, nipping at her neck. “We can be fast.”
“I’ve heard that lie before. Go. We’ll be cheering you on from afar and waiting for you at the coffeehouse.” She gave him a playful shove toward the door.
THERE WAS STANDING room only at the event later that afternoon. Baz’s family and friends, members of the community, and dozens of Dark Knights from other states rallied to show their support. Music floated in from the patio where Rod’s band was playing, and people were dancing and mingling. Children ran around, snagging sweets off the buffet and darting in and out of the building. Baz stood by with Tank and Gunner, taking it all in. The event had grown so much over the years, and yet somehow everyone there felt like part of their family. He was glad to see Bethany with Steph and their parents. They’d come a long way. Evie was holding Marybelle while she chatted with Quinton, Maverick, and Chloe. She looked good with a baby in her arms. Quinton put his arm around her and kissed the top of her head. Baz was happy for them, and he knew they’d do right by him while he was away. His gaze found Emerson for the hundredth time, and his heart beat a little faster. She was holding Brennan at a table with Leah, Sid, and some of the other girls. They’d been hosting the event for years, and each year was just as emotional as the last. Baz was used to that, but when he’d cruised into the parking lot at the end of their ride and had seen Emerson, waving and cheering him on with Brennan in her arms, it had made what lay ahead that much easier.
Gunner nudged him and motioned in Emerson’s direction. “Looks like Em found her tribe.”
Baz had been so worried about how the event would affect her, but she was adored by so many people, she had more support than he could hope for. “She enjoys spending time with the girls so much, it’s hard to imagine how she went so long without a close circle of friends. I’m going to ask her to move into my place while I’m away. I’d feel better if she and Brennan were closer to family. Is that cool with you? Can you keep an eye on her for me? Make sure she’s not too lonely?”
“Yeah, of course,” Gunner said. “She and Sid are tight, and our pups will love having Ollie around. You know Tinkles has a thing for Little B.”
He grinned. “Yeah, he does. We both have little ones in diapers.”
“But mine has four legs.” Gunner laughed. “I take it you couldn’t convince Em to go with you to Indonesia?”
“No. She says it’s too much with Brennan. I introduced her to Violet and Andre, hoping they might help, but no such luck.” Violet had been a friend of Maverick’s since they were teenagers. Her husband, Andre, ran Operation SHINE, which was like Doctors without Borders. They traveled often with their one-year-old daughter, Iris.
“You’re doing the right thing by going, B.” Tank set a serious stare on him.
“I know I am, and Emerson does, too. But that doesn’t mean it’ll be easy.”
“I don’t understand why you didn’t just cancel the trip,” Gunner said. “I’d never leave Sid.”
Baz and Tank exchanged a knowing glance, and Baz said, “I made a promise to someone special.”
“Speaking of someone special,” Tank said. “I think if Ash were here right now, she’d be right in the thick of it with the girls.”
“Hell yeah, she would,” Gunner said.
“For about five minutes,” Baz said. “Don’t you remember how she couldn’t sit still? She was always running around and dragging our asses somewhere.”
His brothers laughed.
“She was a pistol,” Tank said.
“Every time Sid calls me a pain, I hear Ashley calling me Dwayne the Pain.” Gunner shook his head. “God, I miss her.”
“You and me both, bro.” Baz held up his drink. “To the best sister to ever live.”
“Hear! hear!” his brothers said, and they clinked glasses and drank as Rosie and Junie ran over cheering, “Papa Tank!”
Tank set his glass on a table and scooped them up, one in each arm. “What’cha need?”
“You,” they said in unison, giggling as they wrapped their skinny arms around his neck.
“You’ve always got me.” He kissed their foreheads.
Baz hoped one day Brennan would feel the same about him.
“How’re you boys holding up?” their mother asked as she and their father sidled up to them holding hands. She had ridden on the back of their father’s bike on the ride that morning, and they’d been inseparable today.
“Good,” they all said. It was a rough day for all of them, but there was no need to voice it to the parents who had lost their daughter.
“We got Papa Tank!” Rosie exclaimed.
“I see that,” their mother said.
“We’re heading up to the stage,” their father said. “Are you about ready, or do you need some time?”
Baz and his brothers exchanged a glance, Gunner and Baz nodding to Tank, who said, “We’re ready.”
As their parents made their way to the microphone, the din of the crowd quieted. Their father spoke first. “For those of you who don’t know us, I’m Conroy Wicked, and this is my wife, Ginger. We’d like to thank you for coming out today and helping us raise awareness about suicide and support those of us who have lost loved ones. We lost our daughter, Ashley, when she was nineteen to what we’d thought was suicide. We later found out that wasn’t the case. We lost her to an accidental overdose. The thing nobody tells you about losing a loved one is that the pain doesn’t change when the reason does…”
Baz’s throat thickened as Emerson came to his side, and Leah and Sid went to Tank and Gunner. He put his arm around Emerson, whispering, “Are you okay? Is this too hard for you?”
“No,” she whispered. “There’s so much support for everyone. It helps. It’s my turn to be here for you.”
“Thank you.” He kissed her temple, holding her tighter as his father talked about shedding light on grief, and compassionate hearts working together to bring awareness to issues that could lead to suicide or drug use, and his hopes for creating safe environments where people feel comfortable asking for help.
His father put a hand on his mother’s back, giving her the floor.
“Our world is too big and too beautiful for anyone to ever feel alone,” his mother said. “If you have lost someone you love, this floor is open for you to share about them, so we can honor them, too. But first we’d like to invite our sons, Tank, Gunner, and Baz, to say a few words about their sister.”
Baz hugged Emerson, wanting to take her up onto the stage with him, but Leah and Sid had been in their lives long before Emerson was, and they weren’t heading up there. “Love you,” he said, and then he and Gunner waited as Tank set Junie on her feet. But Rosie clung to him like a koala to a tree and said, “I go with you!”
“Rosie, Mama said no,” Junie chided.
“Stay with me, Rosie.” Leah set Leo on his feet and reached for her, but she buried her face in Tank’s neck.
Tank looked pleadingly at Baz and Gunner, silently asking if they were okay sharing the stage with Rosie. Baz grabbed hold of that gold ring, nodding, and looked at Gunner, who said, “Hell yeah,” and went to get Sid.
Baz reached for Emerson’s hand. “Will you and Brennan come with me, darlin’?”
“Are you sure it’s okay?” She looked nervously at Tank and Rosie.
He shifted so she was looking at him. “One hundred percent. Are you with me?”
She smiled and took his hand. “Always.”
“I go, too?” Rosie asked.
“Yeah, Cheeky, you’re coming,” Tank said, and she beamed.
“But Papa Tank, she can’t go,” Junie complained.
“You’re coming, too, Twitch.” Tank lifted Junie into his other arm. “Lee?”
“We’re coming.” She picked up Leo, and Tank led the way as the three brothers who had lost a sister, and a big part of themselves, took the stage with the women and children who had unknowingly helped them heal their broken hearts.
THERE WASN’T A dry eye in the house as Baz and his family talked about Ashley and at least fifty other people got up to talk about loved ones and friends they’d lost. Hours later, after tears were shed, stories were shared, and the winners of the silent auction were announced, everyone danced and ate. Brennan was fast asleep in the crook of Baz’s arm as he and Emerson made their way around the room chatting with friends and family.
As they walked away from Reese and Blaine, Emerson said, “I’m thirsty. Do you mind if we get a drink?”
“Do I ever mind?” He put his hand on her back and kissed her just as the band started playing “I Gotta Feeling.”
Madigan and Marly ran over, linking their arms with Emerson.
“Come on, Em. Dance with us,” Madigan urged.
“Um…?” Emerson’s eyes widened, and she looked at Baz.
“ Go. Have fun. I’ll get your drink.” He kissed her, and loved hearing her giggle with the girls as they hurried toward the dance floor.
He headed up to the coffee bar, ordered her favorite juice, and turned to watch her. She was flat-out gorgeous in that green dress, swaying her hips and laughing with the girls, but it was that new light in her eyes that had his heart filling up again. Only it wasn’t new. It was just brighter, and freer, closer to the light he’d seen in her eyes in the pictures from when she was young. He knew better than anyone that she’d never be completely carefree again. But it was damn good to see her so fucking happy, especially on such an emotional day. He looked down at Brennan, still fast asleep, and said, “We’re the luckiest guys on this earth, and I’m going to do my damnedest to make sure your mama feels like the luckiest woman.”
“That’s an awfully big promise,” Evie said as she sidled up to him, pretty in a colorful summer dress, her long hair loose and tousled.
“Hey, Eves. You look nice.”
“I know,” she teased.
The bartender put Emerson’s drink down in front of Baz and asked Evie if she wanted anything.
“No, thank you.” When the bartender went to help someone else, Evie eyed Brennan. “Looks like you skipped husband material and went straight to daddy.”
“I’d proudly wear that name for this little guy. You looked pretty damn good with Marybelle in your arms earlier.”
“I felt good, too,” she admitted.
“Yeah? You and Quinton heading in that direction?”
“We haven’t talked about kids, but I’m not getting any younger, and I’m so happy with him. He told me he loves me.” She whispered loves , her eyes glittering. “And I said it back.”
“That’s great, Eves. It feels good, doesn’t it?”
“Better than anything.”
He scoffed. “Don’t tell him that.”
“Why?”
“Because Quint’s mind will go straight to sex, and he’ll think he’s lacking in that department.”
“Guys are so weird. Trust me, my man is not lacking in any department, and he knows it.”
“Are you still mad that I’m going away?” He didn’t want to think about how fast the days would pass until he left.
“I’m not mad, but I’m sad for Emerson. She loves you so much, and I know she’s strong, but I also know how much I’m going to miss you. You’re not just her bestie. You’re her heart.” She looked toward the dance floor. “Speaking of, here comes your darlin’. I think I’ll go find mine.” She gave his arm a squeeze and headed for Quinton.
Baz couldn’t take his eyes off Emerson as she made her way across the floor, her loving eyes locked on him. He picked up the glass and handed it to her.
She took a big drink. “That hit the spot. Thank you.”
“Did you have fun?”
“Yes. Those girls can dance.”
“So can you, babe.” As she finished her drink, he said, “I’m really glad you and Brennan are here with me.”
“Me too. Your family has found a way to touch so many lives. I knew it was going to be emotional, but it was also uplifting to see all these people supporting one another. I feel supported, and it’s not even about me.”
“Sure it is. It’s about everyone who has ever lost anyone. It’s about you and me, and Brennan, who lost his grandparents, and all the other people here. It’s a reminder to cherish the people you love while you have them and to remember the ones you lost. Do you think you’ll have the energy to make a stop on the way home later?”
“Sure. Where?”
“Ashley’s favorite beach.”
Her expression warmed. “This is the day you talk with her?”
“Yeah, and I’d really like it if you were there with me.”
“I’d be honored.”
The band started playing “Before You” by Benson Boone. “It’s like they’re playing this song just for us. Dance with me?”
“There’s nothing I’d rather do.”
Baz took her hand, leading her to the dance floor, where they gazed into each other’s eyes, and Baz whisper-sang about not being able to remember a time before she and Brennan were in his life.
“You weren’t lost or alone,” she said. “But I was.”
“You weren’t lost, darlin’. You just didn’t know you were on a journey to find us, and you were never alone. Your parents were always with you, and then so was he.” He looked down at Brennan, cradled between them, then lifted his eyes to hers as the song came to an end.
“I hope you’ll join us in singing a very special song, for very special people,” Rod announced, and then the band started playing “Just the Way You Are.”
As everyone sang with them, many belting out the lyrics, Baz and Emerson sang to each other and to the little boy cradled between them. After the last words left their lips, Emerson spoke before he had a chance. “I love you just the way you are, Baz.”
“Charming and devastatingly handsome?”
“Yes, but you forgot pushy.” She laughed softly. “And completely, utterly, perfect for us.”
He brushed his lips over hers and said, “Just as you and Little B are for me, darlin’,” and then he sealed that truth with a slow, sweet kiss.