40. Rian
Forty
Rian
The problem with living in a dream is that you eventually wake up. The weekend with Catriona made me succumb so fully to my fantasy that I’m completely unprepared when the wake-up call comes, in the form of Alexandra’s soft voice.
“Hi, Rian…”
I lift my gaze from the spreadsheet on my laptop and a claw tightens around my intestines.
Alexandra sweeps through my office door. Her striking dark red dress shows off an unprecedented amount of skin for Alexandra, and it’s paired with unusually smoky eyes. There is no hinting today, she means business.
I get up from my desk, my legs heavy as I walk over and kiss her cheek. “You look fabulous. What’s the occasion?”
“Does there need to be an occasion?” Her usual pout has more gloss than normal.
“What can I do for you?”
“First of all, you can apologise for not picking up my calls this weekend.”
I swallow. “I’m sorry.”
She continues to look at me, waiting for an explanation. I’m not going to give her one, because that means thinking about what I did over the weekend, where I was when I ignored her calls. Thoughts of Catriona don’t fit into the scene I’m currently in.
“I haven’t seen much of you lately,” she says quietly, her deep green eyes searching.
“How can I make it up to you?” I rush to offer, scared of what she might see.
She tilts her head and carefully pushes a lock of hair over her shoulder.
“I was hoping you could be my date at the reopening of the Exubier restaurant tomorrow.”
* * *
Her exclusive perfume still lingers half an hour later.
I stare blankly at the spreadsheet on my laptop.
Alexandra is ready. She is finally ready.
There is only one thing for me to do. I have to break it off with Catriona.
Follow my destiny.
A scream builds inside my head, begging to be released. Alexandra may be ready for me, but I am not ready to give up Catriona. I’m in too deep. There’s still so much I want from her.
With her, I can be myself. She sees through the charming yet arrogant act I play to get my way; she challenges the grumpy man and brings out the carefree boy I thought was long gone.
I have laughed more in the last few weeks than I have in years.
My scalp stings as I pull at my hair. The expectations laid upon me have weighed me down – so much so that I’ve seen my role as set in stone.
But Catriona has poked at my expectations, questioned the way I go about things, and made me believe that I can still influence the direction of my life.
Work has been better because she makes me want to shape and make an impact on my career in my father’s company instead of just going through the motions.
I’ve got choices and can make decisions, even if it’s only within an insignificant branch. I’ve started to enjoy my job.
It’s all because of her. She sees my potential and the real me. Makes me want to be the real me.
She alone has done all of that. And now I’m going to break her heart.
Because there’s still this one thing that is set in stone.
Alexandra.
I never promised Catriona anything, and she has always known about Alexandra and our history. Yet the thought of ending it hurts so badly I find it hard to breathe.
A sneaky voice chirps up, quiet but tempting…
What if I misunderstood the whole thing? Maybe Alexandra has a different agenda for wanting to go on a date with me? What if she isn’t really ready?
I tug harder at the strands of my hair, but the sneaky whisper grows louder and louder. I swallow down the bile in my throat and make a decision. I know it isn’t right, I know it’s fucking wrong. Still, I make the decision. I won’t call it off with Catriona.
Just yet.
After all, what if it’s a coincidence and Alexandra isn’t ready to commit? If that’s the case, I would have broken Catriona’s heart for no reason.
No, it’s best to keep things quiet until I know for sure.
I’m relieved that Catriona asked for the morning off. She said she had some bank issues she had to take care of. I call Orla into my office and give her a few instructions. She can’t hold back the smile when she realises my plans involve Alexandra.
“Orla, can I ask you to be discreet?”
“My lips are sealed, Rian.” She beams. “But can I just say I wish you a wonderful, wonderful night together.”
The knife in my stomach turns. Fuck this guilt.
Fuck this aching heart.