5. Annalise
5
ANNALISE
I t’s been over two weeks since I last saw Maksen.
I kept thinking about that day and my stomach twirled with pain, reminding me of how cruel my father was. I knew they were dangerous men, but I expected that hatred to not be directed towards each other.
I wanted to talk with him so badly, my skin itched every time I took a glimpse of the closed gates of my house. I kept sitting on my favorite seat, imagining how happy I would’ve been to see Maksen’s charcoal car entering our garden.
But he wasn’t going to come.
My father pushed him away with his devilish action, and I was mad at him for what he had done.
That day, I discovered a new face of my father I didn’t think I would ever get to see. He managed to ignite the feeling of hatred inside me and it was disappointing for me to feel that way. I didn’t want to know what hate felt like, but now I did.
He tried to talk to me so many times, but I didn’t want to hear any of his excuses. Every time I looked at him, the image of Maksen being shot came to my mind and made my skin crawl.
I wasn’t going to forget what he did to him, and that scared me, because that meant that I’ll hate him for each second of my life. And no girl wants to hate her father.
I started drawing into my sketchbook and I didn’t know exactly what it was going to turn up to be in the end. I just knew I had to get those thoughts out of my mind and drawing had always helped me.
I began tracing fine lines with the tip of the pencil, and then I continued by making tiny circles.
The sound of the gunshot.
The blood.
Maksen being hurt, his face portraying true pain which he seemed to enjoy.
He enjoyed the pain.
My nails bit into my own palms as I felt a shakiness in my limbs. I tried so hard to hold back a cry, because that day kept replaying in my head.
How could someone enjoy pain?
The pencil’s tip broke when I pressed it too harshly on the paper, and a sigh escaped my mouth. I stood up and made my way to the desk to search for another one. As soon as I closed the drawer, a knock on my door caught my attention.
“Come in,”
The door opened and my father appeared from behind it. I breathed out and tried not to chase him away from my room. He closed the door as he stepped towards me and I felt the need to sit on the chair.
I was waiting for him to talk and tell me the reason why he came here. I felt how my facial expression tightened and my muscles quivered while he was looking at me so attentively, as if nothing happened.
“It’s been two weeks since you started avoiding me, moye solntse ,? * ” he said in a low tone of voice and my stomach curled hearing what he called me.
He always loved to call me ‘his sun’ in Russian because he thought everything sounded more beautiful in our native language. I didn’t know how to speak it properly, but I understood when somebody else did.
“I know. I still don’t want to talk to you,” I declared.
A pinch of sadness crept into his icy eyes, but it didn’t impress me.
I knew he was my father, but now he didn’t matter to me anymore. Looking at him made me realize that if I would’ve lost him, I would’ve lost the only parent I had on this Earth. His actions enraged me and there was an ongoing fight inside me between the girl who missed talking with her father, hugging him, seeking comfort in his words, and the girl who accepted the harsh reality that revealed itself when her father shot her best friend. If he had the heart to do such a thing to Maksen, then he had no heart and the father I grew up with was a lie.
“What can I do to make you forgive me? It hurts me so bad to see my beloved daughter passing by me like I’m a stranger to her,”
It hurt me more to see my beloved father shooting at his most loyal man as if he was a stranger to him , I thought for myself and kept my gaze on him.
“I need time,” I said as I started to play with the pencil on the desk’s surface.
He kept silent for a few moments and tilted his head in approval. I’ve never seen him like this. I never heard him trying to make someone forgive him for something he did. If there was something my father wasn’t good at, it was saying that he was sorry.
“Then I’ll give you the space you need,” he murmured and moved his feet to the door. “Maybe you’ll make up your mind once I’m back home. I’ll leave for a week, but you’ll have Katya and all the maids with you,” he added and opened the door.
As I always have. The same old people beside me, I told myself.
“Okay.”
“Remember the rule, Annalise.”
Do not leave the house, Annalise, his voice made an echo inside my mind as I knew the rule better than anything else.
At first, I didn’t resist the rule nor did I question it, but as I grew up, it seemed strange to me that he kept me locked in here. I wondered why it was me who had to stay in the house and not Katya, who was younger.
He left the room and I could finally breathe normally.
I felt the tears falling on my face, but I didn’t let them roll on my cheeks. I didn’t want to cry. I needed to become stronger.
It came so naturally for me to be sensitive to anything around me, but not anymore. I needed to change for my own good, and being too emotional wasn’t good for me. It was clear as I watched the blood pour out of Maksen’s leg, while his face remained straight. That was the only proof I needed to know that I was too weak for them, for him. I was such an easy target for Katya too.
I sat back down on the bench and grabbed my sketchbook, trying to continue the drawing I started. However, with every line I made on the paper, I noticed that everything I had in mind disappeared and it became just an empty cold void I had to accept.
I haven't seen Maksen in two weeks.
My father turned out to be the worst person I knew, and Katya continued to make fun of me every time she got the opportunity.
I wasn’t pitying myself, because I was used to this life, but now it felt like a light came above me and made me realize what I truly wanted. I shouldn’t have settled for less.
But at the same time, there was nothing I could do to escape the situation I was in. I just had to accept it.
I took in a deep breath and stood up, making my way to the kitchen. Sitting alone with my thoughts wasn’t going to do me any good, so I had to do something.
As I was stepping down the stairs, I heard my sister laughing at her phone. Sometimes, I was so envious of her that she had my father’s consent on everything she wanted to do, while I had to obey his orders and be that little cute lamb he wanted me to be.
She could get out of the house, party in the fanciest clubs of New York, and attend a normal school. The only thing that pissed me off was that she was the younger sister and yet she was the one who could do everything she wanted.
I hissed between my lips and tried not to fuel the anger inside me even more.
A smile crept onto my face as I entered the kitchen and saw Olivia cooking something that hit my senses instantly.
“Miss Annalise! What a wonderful surprise to see you out of your room,” she burst out in a tone full of happiness. “Come on, tell me that my food made you get out of there.”
“The smell really hit my senses, so I admit that it was one of the reasons why I came down here.” I giggled and she gave me an affectionate smile.
She had always been so good to me, almost felt like my second mom and I knew she understood me. I wish I could’ve talked to her about anything that was on my mind — for example, telling her how I didn’t know who my father was anymore. But I couldn’t open up to her entirely. She had her own problems to face, she didn’t need more.
“What did you cook?”
“I’m cooking some veggies with salmon and sweet potato puree.”
“I’m starving already!” I quickly replied and massaged my tummy.
“It won’t take long,” she replied as she continued to stir the vegetables in the pan.
“Did my father leave already?”
“Yes. He left about fifteen minutes ago. He was in a total rush.”
“Oh, I see. I’m glad he did.” I sighed, resting my head on my palms.
I felt a strange feeling of peace now that he was gone. And it made me feel relieved that I wasn’t going to see him for a week.
I wondered where he always went every week even when he was leaving with Maksen too. I knew they were involved in illegal activities, but I didn’t know precisely in what.
“I don’t want to upset you or anything, but do you know anything about Maksen?” she asked me with a concerned look on her face.
She knew about what happened. She must’ve been cleaning his blood off our floors and carpet for several hours after he entered the house. But it seemed as if she tried to hide it from me so I played along.
“No, I don’t,” I replied.
“Maybe he’ll come visit us soon,”
“I wouldn’t bet on that.”
Her gaze didn’t settle for a second and she was continuously biting her inner cheek. I knew she was worried for him because that was who she was. She cared so much for everyone, even for Katya who didn’t deserve anything.
“I’ll bring my glass from upstairs. Could you please squeeze a lemon for me?” I asked her nicely and stood up from the chair.
“Of course I can, my dear. The salmon will also be done in no more than ten minutes so get ready to eat!”
I giggled and ran up the stairs to my bedroom. I opened the door and closed it behind me, rushing to the desk to grab my favorite glass.
As I grabbed it, I heard some vibration sounds coming from the bed and when I turned my gaze to it, I saw an unknown number calling me.
I frowned, taking the phone in my hand and answering the call without saying anything.
“Annalise.”
My name, spoken in that low, deep voice, was the only proof I needed to know that it was him.
* ? From Russian, “moye solntse” means “My “Sun” in English.