Chapter 17 #2
I was getting carried away for nothing. Alex wasn't lucid; there was no point in getting upset now. I rubbed my eyes hard when the tears threatened to fall.
“See those pretty Greek statues?” Alex asked, staring at me.
“Yes?”
I silently questioned his sister, not sure of what he was getting at. She didn't understand either.
“Well, you don't look like them at all.”
Okay, not only had he left me hanging, but now he was insulting me. Great. Could this get even better? Breathe, Lena. Hitting a person who’s high would be unfair. “He’s really asking for me to kill him.”
“You've got a much better ass. And you’re sweeter, too.” Alex laughed at his own joke.
I decided to ignore his comment about my butt for now. He was digging his own grave just fine.
“Are you icing?” Alex continued. “Because I want to put you on top and lick every part of you.”
I should have known better than to listen to words drenched in alcohol, but that didn't stop Alex's words from piquing my curiosity or making me blush. His sister coughed.
“I think he's trying to give you a compliment.”
“At least he's nice when he's drunk.”
I grabbed one of his old T-shirts before heading for the bathroom.
Now that I was alone, I allowed myself to breathe.
This day had turned into total chaos, and I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally.
I hurried to wash my face and put on Alex's T-shirt.
It was large and arrived just below my butt.
I decided to check on Alex one last time, no matter how angry I still was with him, and tiptoed into his room.
Alex seemed to be asleep, but turned his head towards me when I approached.
He still had that little smile on his face. I sat down beside him.
“How are you feeling?”
“So far, so good. You?”
“I could be better,” I admitted, biting my thumbnail. “Alex?” I hated the way my voice trembled.
“Hmmm?”
“Why did you leave?”
“I needed to be away from you.”
That hurt. So I'd been right; he'd run away from me. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No, you were perfect as always,” he replied, his gaze on the ceiling.
Was that a compliment or a reproach? I took advantage of the situation.
When Alex was sober, he avoided my questions, but when he was drunk, he seemed open to sharing his feelings.
Deep down I knew it was wrong of me to take advantage of him when he wasn't really aware of his actions.
That was a problem for another time. He wouldn't answer me if I asked him a few hours later.
“So why?”
“I had to check something.”
“Check what?”
“You’re asking a lot of questions.”
Hopefully he doesn’t notice...
“Please. I won't be able to feel better if you don't tell me what's going on.”
A sigh left his lips, and a heavy silence settled between us. Was he going to answer? The only sign that he hadn't fallen asleep was his fingers tapping on his stomach. “I realized I'm in love with you. I freaked out.”
All the air in my lungs escaped, leaving me panting. “Is that why you ran away?”
Alex nodded. I had to bite my lip to keep from bursting into tears. Was it so wrong to love me? It seemed that no matter what he said, I was going to cry anyway.
“I tried to sleep with someone at the party, but it only made me feel worse. I couldn't get you out of my head, even when she touched me. And that made me realize that I want to be with you, no matter what we do or who we are. No matter how terrified I am.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks. My mind was a mess, and I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to feel. I was still angry and stressed, but my heart had started to beat faster. A strange cocktail of happiness and panic made my head spin. Would Alex still feel the same when sober?
“Why are you so afraid to love me?”
He gave me a sad smile. It was unsettling to see him show his vulnerable side. For the first time since I knew him, he was finally going to be honest with me—really honest. “Because I'm giving you all the keys to hurt me.”
“Are you sure you're not sober?” I squinted.
“Nope, as drunk as a skunk.”
Was he making fun of me or not? Too tired, I got out of bed.
Alex grabbed my leg and pulled me towards him. Trying not to crush him, I had to straddle his lap. “Your skin is so soft.”
Alex stroked my thighs, and I raised an eyebrow.
“Don’t touch, buddy,” I said, pushing his hand away. “Drunk people don't turn me on.”
A silent laugh shook his body. “You don't know what you're missing.”
“Oh, but I do. You'll either puke on me or fall asleep before we’re done. I'll pass.”
Alex pouted, and I couldn't help but smile, some of my unease finally dissipating.
This man really had a way of getting on my nerves just as much as his presence could make me feel better in seconds.
He didn't know it, but he already had the keys to hurt me too; he’d had them for a while now.
Alex returned my smile. I placed a kiss on his forehead before heading for the door.
“I'm going to miss you tonight.”
“Good night, Alex.”
“Good night, Lena.”
***
I tiptoed into Audrey's room, but she looked up from her book, still awake. She beckoned me closer. I lay down beside her.
“How is he?”
“He’s alright, we've talked. I just don't know if what he said is true.”
“Alex is honest when he’s drunk. What did he say?”
Should I tell Audrey what had happened? I wasn't sure Alex would agree with me sharing what he'd just said. On the other hand, maybe talking it over with her would help.
“He said he fell in love with me and freaked out.”
Her eyebrows went up in shock. “So he’s relapsing.”
“What do you mean?”
“My brother is an ostrich. When he feels strong emotions, he runs.”
That sounded familiar enough. Audrey let her head fall back into the pillow with a sigh. Apparently, Alex's behaviour had affected them all. How had he become like this?
“For a while, Alex took drugs. Mom tried to help him by sending him to a therapist, but he resisted. When you force Alex to do something, he gets stubborn and refuses to see reason.”
“What did you do then?”
“We had no choice but to trust him. It worked out because Alex calmed down. When he goes out now, all he does is drink or smoke weed. But he stopped going out months ago, so I don't know what got into him.”
I bit my thumbnail. All the answers I was looking for were there. Would I finally know? “What made him like that?”
Audrey pursed her lips. “I can't tell you. First, because I’m not sure he wants you to know, but also because I was never told the full story. I was six when he suffered a trauma. He’s been spiralling ever since.
He suffered a trauma and has been spiralling ever since...
***
Audrey and I were having breakfast when Alex came into the kitchen.
The way he was frowning and pushing against his temples, it was impossible to ignore how hungover he was.
Alex sat down next to me without speaking.
Did he remember what had happened that night?
I gave him a glass of water and paracetamol.
Although I was still angry with him, I also felt sorry for him.
Audrey and I continued talking, leaving Alex to sober up.
“I can't figure out if you're being nice or letting me stew.”
I took a bite of my toast. A big part of me wanted to let him stew, another part wanted to stay away from him.
Because let's be honest, his confession had turned my world upside down.
In a good way. But no, it wasn't enough to completely dissipate my anger, let alone my pain.
The anguish I'd felt the day before had been too much.
His little sister looked like a small animal facing danger.
With our temperaments, things could get out of hand very quickly.
“It depends. Are you going to tell me why you left me to go to a party?”
Alex hadn't expected me to go on the offensive immediately.
Given the day and night I'd just had, I wasn't going to go easy on him.
Despite our discussion the night before, I wanted to see what his response would be now that he was sober.
He wasn't going to admit he was in love with me now that he'd come to his senses, was he?
Alex was far too secretive about his feelings to admit it while being lucid.
He shrugged as if he didn’t care. “I needed to get out.”
I expected him to elaborate a bit, but Alex kept his gaze fixed on his sister. Audrey stood up.
“Leave her alone. She was worried sick yesterday when you disappeared.”
Alex changed the subject. “How did I get home?”
“I brought you back.”
His face contorted into a reproachful grimace. As if things could have turned out differently. “You don't have a license.”
My blood boiled over. “What was I supposed to do then? You didn't really think I'd let you drive after you'd been drinking and smoking, did you? Do you have any idea how worried we've been?”
Alex rubbed his temples like I was giving him a splitting headache. Well, babe, buckle up then. Alex glared at me. A few months earlier, I would have been petrified. Now I knew he wouldn't hurt me. Not physically, at least.
“Why are you giving me a hard time?” he asked in a biting tone. “As far as I know, you're not my mother or my girlfriend.”
His words felt like a slap to my face, but I swallowed them down. The look on his face told me he already regretted those words, not that he intended to take them back. But he was right, I suppose.
I took a deep breath and regained my usual composure. All right, then. If he wanted to be an asshole, I wasn't going to insist. So I did what I did best: I turned my pain into cold, calm anger. “You're right, I’m not. I've got better things to do than waste my time on you.”
My cruel words hurt him, but I was so angry.
How was it possible to be this happy and furious at the same time?
I reached for my bag. Audrey gave me a sad look.
She walked me to the front door, and I kissed her cheek.
Alex followed, staying behind. Audrey disappeared, not wanting to see the shitshow between me and her brother come to life.
I left the house and turned back to him.
I’d told myself I wasn't going to insist, but I wasn’t done yet.
Alex clenched his jaw; he knew the storm was about to break.
“You know, Alex, I’m well aware I'm not your girlfriend or your mom, but I thought we were friends.”
“We are friends.”
“You don't treat your friends the way you treated me.”
Just like the day before, he lowered his eyes. His guilt must be killing him if he couldn't hold my gaze. Maybe I should have gone easier on him. It was too late now. The machine was already in motion.
“I don't think you realize how worried I was about you. What you did really hurt me. You ditched me to go to a party, leaving me in the dark. I felt guilty for hours, thinking I'd done something wrong. And then you call me when you're wasted, like nothing happened!”
For half a second, Alex looked like a fragile, wounded child. A second later, his face was once more a stoic mask. I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair. Damn it. He really didn't understand how stupid he'd been.
“I broke the law for you. Did you think for one moment how your family would have felt if you'd driven that night and gotten in a car accident? Their lives would have been shattered. Next time you want to do things on your own, at least think about those who care about you for a second.”
Finally done, I descended the steps of his porch. I felt like an overcharged battery. Alex took a step towards me, and I stepped back.
“Do you want me to drop you off?”
“I'll walk.”
He took another step. “It's a long walk.”
“I'll walk for hours if it gets me away from you.”
Every time I opened my mouth, I kept hurling boiling acid at his heart. Every word I said hurt him, and even though I was furious, he didn't deserve this. His eyes reflected his pain.
“I'm sorry. I just need to be away from you for a while. I'm really disappointed in you.”
“I understand.”
“Bye, Alex.” Without looking back, I left. I could hear his voice crack.
“Bye, Lena.”