Chapter 18
Elena
Slumped on my desk, I was staring out the window, ignoring my physics assignment.
I'd been working on it for hours, and still, I didn't understand a thing.
Of all the subjects, this one was useless to me.
Someone knocked on my door, snapping me out of my thoughts.
Or rather, the absence of thought. Seeing Alex standing a few feet away, my heart sank.
I'd avoided him in the school halls for days after I’d told him I needed to be away from him.
That was just over a week ago, but it had felt like a lifetime.
Alex entered my room, leaving enough distance between us, as if he feared I would bite his face off.
I spun around in my desk chair so I could face him.
Dark circles bruised the skin under his eyes, and his features were drawn, proof that the last few days had been tough.
“Hey.”
“What are you doing here?” I asked instead of greeting him.
“You didn't answer my messages or calls, so I decided to drop by.”
That little pang of guilt that was never far away these days stirred again.
It was true, I had ignored him. Truth be told, I was scared out of my wits and didn't know what to say.
“Hey, Alex! You ran away from me to get drunk.
When you were high, you told me you loved me, and I'd like to know if you feel the same now that you're sober?” Yeah, that didn't sound like a good idea.
At first, I'd been angry, but now I felt restless. If Alex had run away from me like this, there was a reason behind it. I really wanted to know if he felt the same now, but it terrified me too. If he didn't love me, it would crush me. But if he did love me, what would happen to us?
Seeing that Alex was still waiting for a reaction, I cleared my throat. What a mess. Wasn’t falling in love supposed to be wonderful? “Uhm, yeah. Sorry about that.”
I had no excuse. No need to pretend like I had one. Alex handed me a small white box, and I raised an eyebrow. Since when did my presence make him nervous?
“What is that?”
“A token of reconciliation.”
I opened the box only to find a cupcake with candy-pink frosting and lots of little sugar butterflies. I closed the box. “I don't like sweets.”
Alex ran a hand over his face, inhaling sharply. I could tell by the way he clenched his jaw that he wanted to strangle me. Or jump out the window. After all, I wasn't making it easy for him. Making him work for it a little was satisfying. Me sadistic? Absolutely.
“You've really decided to make me pay, haven't you?
I smiled. I really appreciated that he'd gone out of his way to get me a cupcake and had come all the way to my house. No one else would have done it. Not for me. “Well, since you made an effort to get to the bakery, I'll make an effort to eat it.”
His gaze softened when he realized I was pulling his leg. He breathed out a sigh of relief. “I really thought that you were going to give me a hard time.”
“Honestly, I did think about it, but I can see you've beaten yourself up enough already.”
“I'm truly sorry, Lena. I didn't mean to do this to you.” He ran a hand through his hair, all his self-confidence gone.
Had the last few days been as horrible for him as they had been for me? Not having Alex in my life for a week had been torture, and I couldn't help wondering if he'd felt the same.
“Do you think you can forgive me?”
“It depends. Will you do something like this again?”
I cared about him, but I couldn’t go through that kind of anguish again. Nor that kind of disappointment. He'd already done it twice. I couldn't afford to get my hopes up. My heart couldn't bear being crushed again, not by Alex.
“Of course not. I don't want to lose our friendship.”
I stood in front of him, and Alex took me in his arms. He squeezed hard, like he was afraid I'd push him away or disappear. I tried to swallow back my tears, to no avail. Missing him so much was frightening. I pushed the thought out of my mind to enjoy the moment.
“I don't want to be like this anymore,” my friend whispered against my neck.
“How?”
“Fucked up.”
If only things could be simple.
“Why are you here?”
“I needed to see you.” His sudden honesty caught me off guard.
I rolled my eyes to hide the effect his words had on me. “You make it sound like it’s vital.”
Alex ruffled my hair, laughing. “You're my best friend. Obviously, I need to see you.”
I placed both hands over my heart and let myself fall back onto my bed. “Ouch! I just got friendzoned.”
“What?”
“What?” I repeated.
“What did you just say?”
I shook my head and continued to deny everything. I could see by the look on his face that Alex was getting confused. “Nothing.”
“But you...” my friend tried.
“Nope.”
Alex and I burst out laughing. It was nice to be able to tease each other again.
He sat down next to me. I hesitated. Should I pretend nothing had happened, or should I try and get the truth out of him?
Finding out the truth was scary, but not knowing made me sick.
I could still feel my panicked heart pounding in my throat. I had to at least try.
“Are you going to tell me why you ran away?”
I had to know how Alex felt about me.
A small smirk played on his lips. “You're not going to give up, are you?”
“I'd like to understand.”
“I'm not ready to talk about it. Can you accept that?”
I should have known. Alex hadn't said what I'd hoped for.
Yet, without him even realizing it, he'd given me the answer.
I bit my lip. It was hard to keep my composure, especially in the face of this truth.
But this time, I had to be the stronger one.
Alex needed that. I could keep his secret and pretend nothing had happened until he was ready. “Okay, I won't insist.”
His face relaxed instantly. “Thank you.”
That didn't mean I couldn't tease him a little. After all, humour was part of my survival mechanism. “Do you remember that night?”
Alex leaned back, worried. “Not really, no. I vaguely remember seeing you arrive at the party. And you putting me to bed.”
I tried to keep my expression as neutral as possible. “You really don't remember anything else?”
“Why are you insisting? What did I do?”
I smiled, feeling that I was going to have a marvellous time. I rubbed my hands together, impatient to tell him.
“The question should be: what did I say?”
“What did I say?” Alex asked with a sigh.
I told him about his monologue on Greek statues, and how he thought I had a nice ass. Not to mention the icing-licking part.
His cheeks turned red. My friend ran his hands over his face, cursing. “I didn't say that.”
“Oh, yes, you did. In front of Audrey.”
“Shit...” The pretty colour on his cheeks spread to his ears and neck.
“There's more,” I continued, looking at my pastel pink nails.
Alex looked up at me, expecting the worst. He wasn't ready.
“You tried to convince me to have sex with you.
Alex dropped his head into his hands.
I patted his head, savouring the moment. “You're super hot when you're angry,” I said, imitating drunk Alex.
Alex rolled his eyes so much that I was afraid his eyes would disappear. He let himself fall back into the pillows. “You’re enjoying this, huh?”
“You have no idea.”
“I'm ashamed.”
“Even I was ashamed for you.”
I put on a movie and sat back next to Alex. He let his head rest on my thighs.
“Can you even see the screen like this?” I asked, sceptical.
“Of course.”
I had my doubts, but didn't comment. If he wanted to rest, I wasn't going to force him to watch with me.
I played with a few silky locks of his dark hair.
It took him only a few minutes to drift.
I'd chosen the movie, and yet I couldn't concentrate on what was happening on the screen.
Alex had come back. And he loved me, but he didn't want me to know because.
.. because what? He'd said that being in love with me frightened him because he was afraid I'd hurt him.
But how could I? Alex was a wonderful person, and above all, he was my best friend.
I loved him too. God, I loved him so much.
And if he was afraid of me finding out, I'd just have to prove to him how much he meant to me.
I didn't necessarily believe in fate, but someone had put Alex in my path, and I didn't want to live without him anymore.
We were both fucked up, sure, but we were stronger together.