Chapter 25 River
River
The view is phenomenal, as is the food, but they pale in comparison to Cleo sitting next to me, her hair glowing in the moonlight.
The change in my attitude towards this sort of thing…dating and such…is slightly concerning. I mean, a few days ago I was a confirmed and permanent bachelorette. Cheddar joked a woman would come along and knock me on my arse, and shit if she wasn’t wrong.
Cleo Carter has knocked me on my arse for sure—and what’s more surprising, I like it. There’s this feeling bubbling in my chest when I picture life going forward. That’s something new as well. Looking beyond the present and wanting to plan for the future.
I still don’t think one person can or should be the reason to change, not if that change isn’t for yourself, but…I don’t know…being around Cleo, talking to her, has unlocked a side to me I thought dead. Hope and expectation. Not just of the relationship we’re building, but in myself.
I’ve thought about Admiral Carter’s comments about my lack of rank.
Before, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it.
I made it clear I was content with being a regular sailor with no responsibilities past my job.
Pissing about with my friends on board and then living it large in clubs and bars when on shore leave.
Now I find myself wondering if I’m wasting what could be a lucrative and long career. There’s no doubt I’ll be in the Navy until I retire. It’s in my bones, and it fulfils me. But…do I really want to be an Able Rate when I’m in my fifties? On the flip side, can I see myself as an officer?
So many new questions to go along with the very new feelings I’m having towards one woman…
and no other. I’ve not thought of another woman since Cleo agreed to date me.
Which, okay, I know, is only a few days, but for past River ‘Romeo’ Dawson, it’s unheard of.
Being at sea never stopped me fantasising about random women, yet now all I see is Cleo.
Is that normal? I don’t know. I’ve never felt this way before.
It’s like my brain has been rewired. Like Cleo has taken up permanent residence in my head and my heart.
And the scary part? I don’t want her to leave.
“River?”
Oh yes, I’m on a date with her and here I am, drifting into the quagmire that holds my complicated and unfamiliar feelings.
“Sorry, I wandered for a second.”
“Anything you want to talk about?”
She’s possibly thinking I’m about to press my digital ‘boop’ button to have another conversation about us.
“Honestly? I was thinking about my future prospects in the Navy.”
She chuckles. “Is my company that boring you need to think about work?”
She says it in jest, but I see the layer of worry under the surface.
“Not at all! In fact, it’s talking to you and getting to know you that’s making me rethink things.”
Cocking her head to the side, I trace the fall of her hair. I want to reach over and run my fingers through it, but that might come across as too forward, so I’ll hold off.
Nibbling my bottom lip, I deliberate on how much to tell her without freaking her the fuck out.
“I’ve never really thought past the immediate future.
Staying in the Navy was never in question for me, and that hasn’t changed, but then we started doing this…
you know, dating and well, not to sound presumptuous or anything, but I could see us in the future, when we’re back in Portsmouth. Still dating…”
I glance at Cleo’s face to see if she’s having any kind of negative reaction to my waffling. So far she’s still looking at me with intrigue, so that’s something.
“Then, I started to think about what my career might look like in ten, fifteen years.”
“And you want more?”
Tapping my hand on the hard, cold metal beneath me, I study her. “Yes, I want more. More of everything.”
“Everything?”
My throat is very dry right now. “Yes. I…I think I want more in my career and more in my, um, love life.”
She shifts, turning her body my way. I can’t tell if she’s just uncomfortable sitting on the floor, or if it’s an unconscious move to get closer to me.
“I like the sound of that,” she replies softly.
“Can I kiss you, Cleo?”
We haven’t even begun on the food, or opened the small bottle of wine sitting in the basket, but I don’t want to wait a second longer.
Nodding, she leans towards me and sighs in relief as I meet her lips. Every kiss is better than the last, and I want to roll my eyes internally at how soppy I’m being. I mean really!
Cleo smiles against my lips. “You’re huffing, River. Did you just realise you’re being all sweet and sappy?”
Laughter bursts from my throat. “Jesus, you’re too observant sometimes, woman!”
Chuckling along, Cleo shrugs her shoulders. “I can read you, River.”
My laughter dies and I find myself smiling at her. “Yeah, you can. It scares me.”
Her hand travels to my cheeks and I melt even further. She’s ruining me.
“I think we’re both scared.”
Turning my face, I kiss her palm. “Let’s eat.”
I think we’re both appreciative of the change in atmosphere. It’s almost too heavy between us at times. A small part of me worries that it’s simple sexual tension, which will disappear after we’ve slept together again.
“Who do you owe for this impressive spread?” she asks.
I launch into the story of how I set it up and who I owe my firstborn child to. We laugh easily with each other and continue to talk.
Somehow we get on to the subject of families, which instantly transports me back to the car crash of a phone call with my mum.
Maybe I should spill the beans now and give her an early out. My parents are enough to break the hardiest of romantics.
“I called my mum the other day,” I start because there is no easy way to slide into this particular conversation. “She immediately went on a rant about my dad.”
“They really don’t like each other, huh?”
“Nope.” I laugh. “But this time I kind of shouted at her.”
“Meaning?”
Blowing out a breath, I look at the sky. It’s calming to stare into the inky pool that is our universe. Humbling, I suppose.
“I can’t remember the last time Mum or Dad asked me about me, or my life.
I’m just their sounding board for nasty comments and bitter memories.
I…I wanted to tell her I’d met you. Maybe talk about my job and what I was thinking regarding my future.
You know, regular parent-child kind of things.
But as usual she went into a diatribe of how terrible my dad is.
I just lost it. I mean, am I not enough for her to take a few minutes out of the day to listen to?
Doesn’t she get what it’s done to me, us? ”
“I can’t imagine how hard that’s been for you, River.”
Looking from the sky to Cleo, I smile. “For so long I thought I was over it. I’d done a great job of burying it all away.”
“Which is why you only did surface level intimacy, right?”
“Of course.” I laugh. “I’m not daft. I know why I acted the way I did in the past, but what I hadn’t worked out was how I shouldn’t have had to realise any of it. Do you know what I mean?”
She nods. “Yes, I think so. I mean dealing with your parents at each other’s throats when they were together is one thing. But continuing to deal with them after they’d separated…no, it’s too much.”
“I should have dealt with the situation, dealt with my parents. Every phone call was another trip down the nightmare that was my childhood, and all the calls ever did was reinforce this behaviour I adopted. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed my life away from home.
Now, I wonder if it’s time to expect more from myself. ”
“Only you can know that, River.”
“I do know. I’ve never thought so hard in my life as I have these past few days.” I shrug. “Am I wrong to believe in this, Cleo?”
“Us?”
I nod.
“No, I don’t think you are.”
“I want you to understand what being with me entails, beyond the obvious.”
“Your family?” she asks.
“Yup. I don’t see them often but I can’t cut them off. I’m hoping the conversation with my mum had an impact.”
Cleo scoots closer. “My family aren’t saints either, River.
We both have complicated histories, and we’ll eventually have to deal with them.
But let’s not pile on so much, huh? One step at a time, but please know that doesn’t mean I’m not looking at our future.
I just don’t want to overwhelm what we’re building. ”
“You’re right, I just wanted to be open with you. Communication is key, right?”
She almost blinds me with her smile.
“River, you surprise me at every turn.”
“In a good way?” I ask for clarity.
“Yes, in the best way. God, Honor is going to be so smug.” She laughs.
“Wait until Cheddar really gets going,” I reply, grinning.
“This has been a wonderful date, Dawson!”
“Thanks, Carter.” I grin.
Unfortunately, we both know it’s coming to an end.
We risk getting caught the longer we sit out here.
We’ve eaten most of the food, and half of the wine.
I pack it all away and pick up the basket with one hand, offering the other to Cleo.
She takes it and stands. Pulling her gently, she falls into me.
“Can I walk you home?”
“I’d like that.”
We step back inside and I deposit the basket behind the agreed upon pipe. It will be collected by one of the galley crew.
I can’t wait to be on dry land where I can take Cleo’s hand and walk side by side. Brushing up against her periodically will have to do for now. God, we’ve still got weeks on board to get through.
We arrive at Cleo’s cabin, and I can see how much she wants to invite me in. Casting a look left and right, I confirm the coast is clear before leaning in and kissing her gently. Just a brush of the lips, but it’s enough to send electricity through my body.
“Can I see you tomorrow?” I ask.
Cocking her head slight, she grins. “I think it’s impossible for me not to see you.”
I narrow my eyes playfully. “Is that because we’re crammed on a ship, or because you can’t stay away from me?”
Biting her lip, she looks up through her eyelashes. “I’ll let you figure it out, Dawson. Goodnight.”
She steps back, winks, and closes the door. I know I’m standing frozen to the spot, staring at her door, but I just need a second to get myself under control.
“Dawson!”
Benson’s voice echoes off the metal walls and hits me like a gut punch. Fuck, what if Grey told him I saw what they were up to in the supply closet?
Turning, I face him with a blank face. He doesn’t look like he’s about to murder me, so…
“What are you doing outside Ms Carter’s quarters?”
“Ms Carter requested a tour of the flight deck.”
He narrows his eyes. “At night?”
I shrug. “She wanted to experience the ship at night. I just walked her back.” I think the less I say, the better.
He remains silent, assessing me. I hold my breath and pray he’ll leave me be.
“Get back to your bunk, now.”
I tip my head in acknowledgement before stepping past him and quick marching back to my quarters.
The girls aren’t in their beds, so they must be in the mess. I take a few seconds to shake off the interaction with Benson. I absolutely need to tell Cleo what I saw.
Whipping out my phone, I smile at the screen. Tapping out the message, I hit send and grin as I wait. It takes but a few seconds for the reply to hit my inbox.
The Admiral’s Daughter
How did you get this number?
You
I thought you’d have realised I have my ways. Are you mad?
The Admiral’s Daughter
I should be…but I’m not.
You
Good. Sweet dreams, Cleo.
The Admiral’s Daughter
You too x