Chapter 33
River
I’ve never felt so disconnected from my life as I do now, sitting alone in the bunk room. I’m kicking myself for not finding Cleo before she left. The past few days have been miserable.
I should’ve texted her, but my body froze every time I thought about reaching for my phone. All I could think about was Grey violating my personal space. I couldn’t risk her finding new text messages, so I did nothing and now Cleo’s gone.
Every time I picked up my phone, I imagined Grey looking over my shoulder, reading my messages, using them against me. The fear paralysed me. And now it’s too late.
“How you holding up, mate?” Cheddar asks. The crew still have another night on board before they’re allowed to start their shore leave.
“Been better to be honest, Cheds.”
“Kit will make sure she gets off the ship okay.”
It’s a small comfort that one of my friends will at least make sure Cleo’s okay.
“You aren’t going to ghost her are you?”
My eyes snap up, and Cheddar levels me with a knowing stare. I hadn’t planned on ghosting Cleo, but that’s what’s happened, isn’t it? I got so caught up in feeling out of control, I retreated and left her out in the cold. Fuck.
“You could message. The training op is over, she’s probably off the ship by now, so there’s no more conflict of interest.”
“She might not want to hear from me,” I mumble.
“She does,” Kit says as she steps into the room. “I can say with all certainty Cleo wants you to contact her.”
“Is she okay?”
“Pissed off. I wouldn’t want to be her dad when she gets hold of him.”
My stomach sours. An hour or so has passed since I returned from a ten-minute meeting with Admiral Carter, where he, in no uncertain terms, told me I was to leave his daughter alone.
I got read the riot act about how unprofessional I was and how I’d let my crew and the Royal Navy down with my conduct.
Then he proceeded to tell me Cleo wouldn’t want to take our “tryst” beyond today.
He was very clear he knew his daughter well enough to know she would never date a sailor seriously and I should forget about her.
The entire ordeal was a fucking gut punch.
“He’s not my biggest fan.” I chuckle humourlessly. “I’m guessing he’ll make sure Cleo never wants to talk to me again.”
“Bloody hell, River, it’s not the eighteen hundreds. Plus, do you really think anyone could make Cleo Carter do something she didn’t want to? She’s as stubborn as a fucking donkey,” Cheddar declares rather forcefully.
“Cheddar’s right, Riv. And I’m the one who was sent, by Cleo, with a message.”
I sit to attention. “She gave you a message?”
Kit rolls her eyes. “Yeah. She said she’s not giving up on you.”
“That’s kind of romantic.” Cheddar sighs.
“Oi oi,” Boot calls. She’s carrying a bag of washing, which I presume she’s just picked up from the laundry. “What’s the skinny? Cleo get off alright?”
The room grows quiet, and I find myself looking at the floor rather than at my friends.
The soft thud of Boot’s washing hitting her bed makes me look over. Boot stands with her legs at shoulder width apart and her arms crossed at her chest. The stance enhances all her muscles, which are impressive. The workouts are really paying off.
“You know I’m not one to get overly involved in this kind of shit…you know, the mushy stuff.”
We all chuckle because it’s true.
“But I feel I need to weigh in here before you do something stupid, Romeo.”
“Hey,” I protest, but it falls on deaf ears.
“Nah, you need to hear it. Right now you’re letting your head rule your heart, and I get why.
But Grey and Benson will get what’s coming to them regardless of you being with Cleo.
The only people you hurt by sacking her off are you and her.
Forget about the job. Forget about orders and protocols.
You deserve a life outside of the Navy if that’s what you want. ”
“Boot is right,” Kit says, sitting next to me. “I wouldn’t have agreed with her a few weeks ago, but I’ve witnessed what that woman has done to you.”
“Knocked you on your arse, mate.” Cheddar grins.
“I knew I’d never hear the end of that.”
“True though, isn’t it?” she replies smugly.
Scrubbing my face to relieve some tension, I look at my friends. “I never believed it could happen to me, you know? But it did. I had a defining moment in my life that changed everything.”
“Was that defining moment tall with red hair and great ti—”
“Finish that word, Cheddar, and I’ll set fire to all your Wotsits.”
“Sheesh, alright,” she snorts.
“But yes, Cleo is my defining moment. She walked into my life and nothing’s been the same since.”
“But in a good way, right?” Boot asks.
Kit cackles. “Obviously.”
I grin like an idiot, and for the first time in days, I feel lighter. Cleo’s pretty eyes and soft skin filter into my mind. She’s just so nice to look at.
“Did you just sigh thinking about her?” Kit asks with amusement in her voice. I think we’re getting to the end of their support portion of the day and making our way over to the mocking section.
“Maybe.” I laugh. “She is the best thing that’s happened to me, not discounting you lot, or the great life I live.”
“But she adds more, right? Like you can see yourself going home to her on leave?” Cheddar asks enthusiastically.
“Yeah I can, but is it realistic?” I ask because I genuinely need their help. So far, I’m just fucking things up on my own, and I’m tired of doing that. I’m tired of keeping people at bay.
“Why wouldn’t it be? What are the barriers?” Kit asks. Boot and Cheddar move over to my bunk and sit on the floor so we’re in a circle. It’ll look ridiculous if someone walks in, but my heart gives a thankful thud that my sisters are here for me.
“Well, first, her dad hates me and told me to stay away from her. Plus he’s the fucking boss of the Navy.”
Boot puts her hand up. “I can answer this one. It’s got nothing to fucking do with him! If you let go of Cleo because of his opinion, you don’t deserve her in the first place. Next.”
“Wow, brutal.” I chuckle nervously. “Our lives aren’t exactly compatible. I’ll be away for the next seven months. She could be travelling for a story after that. When would we ever see each other? I don’t want her to resent me or my job.”
“My turn,” Cheddar chimes. “Cleo knows exactly what it’s like to have a demanding job, and a passion for what you do. Has she ever over the time you’ve known her indicated she’d want you to leave the Navy?”
“We never really got that far.”
“But it stands to reason she’d have mentioned something. You guys started to get pretty serious there for a minute. Cleo doesn’t strike me as the type of woman to hold back if she’s got something to say.”
“True,” I utter more to myself than to them.
“Would you resent her for travelling?” Cheddar continues. I shake my head. “Exactly. You’re more alike than you realise. Don’t forget, like eighty percent of the ship’s company have wives, husbands, girlfriends, etc. Anyone who falls in love with a sailor knows what they’re signing up for. Next.”
Kit puts her hand up. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Are you worried you’ll stray back to the life you had if you’re away too long?”
If Kit had asked me that even just a few days ago I might have paused, but not now.
“No way. I’ve thought about it, because, yeah, at the beginning that’s exactly what worried me. But then something clicked between us. She sees me, and makes me feel safe enough to open up—which still feels terrifying, to be honest. Plus, I would never hurt her like that.”
“I thought so.” Kit smiles. “You’re ready for this, River. Ready for her and the relationship you’ve already built the foundations for. All you have to do is reach out.”
“Yeah, I can do this,” I say, looking between them. “I can have love.”
Cheddar whistles dramatically. “Love! Wow, did you hear that, guys?”
And the moment of gentle support is over.
“Careful, we’ll be getting woodland creatures flying in to perch on Romeo’s shoulders if she keeps saying dreamy shit like that,” Boot tacks on.
“You all fucking suck,” I shout. A wall of laughter hits me and then three bodies as they pile on to my bunk, making kissing sounds and swooning noises.
A throat clears loudly, causing us all to jump. When the girls are finally off me, I look up to see the captain in our doorway.
“Dawson, may I have a word in private?”
Kit, Boot and Cheddar stand up and smooth out their uniform before taking their leave. They shoot me reassuring smiles as they go, but I can’t say they really helped. I’m not sure I’ve got the emotional bandwidth to stand another dressing down.
Standing to attention, I wait for the captain to step in. She waves her hand at me, signalling me to stand at ease before settling on Boot’s bed.
“Sit down, Dawson.”
This is highly irregular. I do as I’m told and remain silent.
Captain Morley suddenly looks ten years older. Her face is pale and her eyes look tired.
“I believe I owe you an apology,” she begins. I control my facial muscles from displaying the shock of her words. “I read the report Ms Carter compiled on WO Benson and Lieutenant Hardman.”
I didn’t get a chance to read anything Cleo had written about them. I didn’t think she had much to go on.
“WO Benson will be leaving the ship immediately, pending an investigation. I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I believe you have the right to know.”
“Thank you for telling me, ma’am.”
She shuffles in place. “May I ask why you didn’t come forward before? I know you’re not the only crewmember to have suffered at the hands of Benson, but from the report it looks as if you bore the brunt of it, alongside Lieutenant Pierce.”
Pierce? Did Cleo get him to talk?
I clear my throat. “To be honest, Captain, I didn’t see the pattern. Benson had a personal reason to dislike me.”
“Personal reason or not, on board this ship he should have put any grievances to one side and acted in a manner befitting that of a Royal Navy sailor.”
Yeah, I agree.
“I hope,” she continues a little softer, “you know you can come to me about anything. Your welfare and the welfare of the crew are of the utmost importance. I’m sorry this behaviour has gone unchecked for so long. It’s safe to say there will be a radical change before we deploy again.”
“I appreciate you saying that, Captain.”
“And…if I may be so bold. Contact Cleo.”
Blimey.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Good,” she says, standing. “I’ll let you know if your testimony is needed for the investigation. Can I rely on you to step forward?”
My head is already nodding before she finishes her sentence. “Yes.”
“Excellent.”
“Captain,” I call before she can leave. “When the dust has settled and I’ve worked to gain your trust again, I’d like to talk about the possibility of promoting up at some point.”
I had no intentions of saying anything of the sort until I saw her leaving and it flew out of my mouth.
She stares at me with her famous steely glare and I think she’s about to shout at me, but then I see a quirk at the corner of her lips.
“About time, Dawson.” And then she leaves.
I deflate like a balloon with a puncture when she’s gone. What a bloody day!
Slumping against my bunk wall, I take a few slow breaths. I’ve still got one thing I need to do before I collapse. Picking up my phone, I navigate to my message thread with Cleo.
You
I’m sorry and I miss you.
It’s short and sweet, but I hope it’s enough to start a bigger conversation.