Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
Nina felt a little unsteady with hunger by the time lunch arrived. She relished the tuna sandwich and fruit salad that had been laid out for her.
‘Did Connor have a nice birthday?’ Gilly asked as she poured hot water into a mug.
‘I think he did. I’m relieved, really. I didn’t know what the first one without his dad was going to be like, but it was okay.’
‘Well, that can only be a good thing.’
‘Yup.’ Nina nodded.
‘Have you got your tickets for the rugby end-of-season dinner? I’ve assumed you will be at our table?’
‘I don’t know anything about it.’
Gilly looked a little shocked. ‘Girl, it’s the event of the year! After the last game, we have a swanky dinner in the school hall with dancing and awards for the players. It’s lovely. The boys all go for free and our ticket price covers the cost of the evening.’
‘Oh yes, count me in!’ She wondered immediately about the cost.
‘Does Tiggy want to come?’ Gilly asked. ‘It would be good to meet her. You speak so highly of her.’
‘I’ll ask her!’ Nina felt the spread of excitement along her limbs. She loved the idea of connecting the people in her life.
After lunch she had found Harry and Eliza sitting side by side in the atrium sweetly holding hands; he nodded in silence while she rattled out her interior monologue. ‘I’ve got him! Don’t you worry!’ Eliza yelled in her inimitable way.
As she walked home after work, Nina tried to remember what lurked in the freezer box for supper. She looked forward to an hour to herself, of blissful silence. Declan had asked to go over to Arek’s for tea and Connor had plans with friends. She put the key in the door and pushed it open.
‘Oh!’ Nina yelled.
‘Agh!’ Anna screamed, and Connor scooted so far away from the girl that Nina thought he might fall through the French windows.
‘I didn’t realise anyone was in. You guys scared me.’ She made her way over to the fridge and opened the freezer compartment, hoping to hide her shock.
‘How are you, Anna?’ She spoke into the freezer, giving the girl a chance for her blush to subside and her own pulse to settle.
‘Good, thank you. In fact I’m just going, I have a lot of homework to do,’ she said hurriedly.
‘Okay, love, you know you are more than welcome to stay for supper. We are having . . .’ Nina looked down at the packets in her hands.
‘We are having ice cubes and frozen peas, apparently!’ She held up the packet, and all three of them laughed.
‘I’m sorry, kids.’ She chuckled. ‘We need a bigger house.’
‘Or we could just tie a bell around your neck like a cat, then we’d hear you coming in,’ Connor said.
‘I shall make more noise in future.’ She smiled at them.
‘Actually, I think I will stay for supper, Mrs McCarrick. I can’t resist – ice cubes and frozen peas is one of my favourites.’
‘Call me Nina, and I am glad you are staying.’ She beamed at the girl with the lovely sense of humour.
The three eventually enjoyed a meal of pasta with a rich tomato sauce, mopped up with fresh bread.
Nina loved watching the two interact; it felt like a privilege to have a part in this budding relationship.
Later on, Connor walked Anna home and returned just as Nina was finishing off the dishes. ‘Expert timing!’ she noted as she reached up to put the last of the plates in the cupboard.
‘Where’s Dec?’
‘In the bath.’
‘So, what do you think of Anna?’ he asked with a wide smile.
She loved that he cared about her opinion.
‘I think she seems lovely.’ She paused with the dishcloth in her hand. ‘But you know, Con, I have no choice but to leave you alone sometimes. But you guys are very young and it’s important that you don’t ever take advantage of those circumstances, or of her.’ She hoped her look was stern enough.
‘I know that, Mum, and you don’t have to worry. We won’t do anything stupid.’
‘I’m happy to hear that. You like her, don’t you?’
‘What’s not to like?’ He avoided her gaze.
‘I mean, you really like her.’
‘I do.’ He looked up at her now, meeting her eyes.
‘And she feels the same way?’
Connor nodded. ‘Yes, she loves me too.’
And there it was. Her boy was in love.
‘You are just starting out, and half of me wants to tell you not to get too involved, to go out there and live! Because you never know what’s around the corner.
And the other half of me wants to tell you to enjoy your loving commitment, because you never know what’s around the corner.
So I guess that’s not very useful.’ She put the dishcloth in the sink and put her hands on her waist. ‘I always thought Dad would be by my side to have this chat, to give good advice, but I know that he would say to you: go slow, and remember she is someone’s precious daughter. ’ She hoped this was enough.
‘I know that, Mum!’ He rolled his eyes in a gesture that had been missing of late. ‘Anna is so smart. She won’t let anything get in the way of her plan. She’s a maths wizard. That’s what she wants to do at uni.’
This boded very well. ‘And we already know what you want to study – anything to do with sport!’ She laughed.
‘Actually, Mum . . .’ He paused. ‘I don’t think I will do a sporty degree. I’m thinking of doing something like Psychology. I’m rethinking my A levels. I still want to do one science subject, but am thinking of maybe Psychology and Sociology.’
‘Oh! Well there’s a turn-up for the books.’ She was a little taken aback. To play rugby and concentrate on Physical Education had been his plan for as long as she could remember. ‘And what do you think you might like to do with that degree?’
He flicked his hair from his eyes. ‘I want to help people, work in therapy, something along those lines.’
‘I think that sounds wonderful,’ she said truthfully. ‘Why the sudden change?’
‘I’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff and I want to do something that makes a difference. I have had experiences that most people haven’t and I can use them.’
‘How do you mean?’ She wrapped her arms around her trunk and gave her eldest her full attention.
Connor leaned on the wall and looked her in the eye, and just like that, there they were, chatting like equals.
The conversation shot a bolt of pride through her very being. Her child was turning into an adult.
Connor took a deep breath. ‘It was like a double blow, not only losing Dad, losing the house, losing everything. But it was the speed at which it all happened. That for me has been the hardest thing – no notice, no opportunity to get my head around it. Literally one minute I’m playing rugby and in the next instant my dad had died.
And when George’s mum dropped me off that day, and I walked through the gates at The Tynings and saw that lorry and those men and the way they looked at me, I won’t ever forget it.
They sneered at me, they hated me, and I hadn’t done anything wrong, it wasn’t my fault, they just hated what I stood for, but no matter how much I told myself this, it hurt. ’
‘I can’t imagine what this has been like for you and Dec,’ Nina said.
‘I think you are right, it’s the timing of everything, one horrible moment tumbling into the next like you are caught in a wave, and just when it feels like your head is above water, you take a breath, and bam!
Along came the next wave to suck you under again. ’
‘That’s exactly what is has felt like, Mum.’ He looked at her with something like relief, happy that she got it.
‘And as for those men,’ she continued, ‘they were only doing their job, a horrible job, but their job nonetheless. I think they probably experience abuse and threats every time they enter a property, and my God I understand why! But they weren’t thinking of you personally, it was just another job, and it’s probably a case of attack being the best form of defence. Can you see that?’
‘I guess so.’ Connor nodded. ‘But I won’t forget it.’
‘I hope that the wounding of it lessens in time. I think it might.’ Nina took a breath.
‘I do have to take some responsibility for that day. I knew a day or two before that it was going to happen soon. I could have given you more warning. I should have probably told you sooner about the finances, but to be honest, Connor, not only was I trying to get it straight in my head, but also I wanted to give you one more day of normality. I thought building a shield around you for as long as I could was the right thing to do.’
Connor gave a wry laugh. ‘Like Dad.’
‘Like Dad how?’ She cocked her head to one side.
‘Not wanting to shatter the illusion. Hiding how much trouble we were in. I’ve been reading a lot about people who are depressed. People who live with extreme stress and those who only see one way out . . .’
She felt her hands shake.
‘They often fall into two camps. Those who fall apart externally, seek help, battle it publicly, and then there are those who don’t, can’t. It’s this group of people who interest me most. They are skilled in the art of hiding. I think that my dad must have been like that.’
Nina stared at him, his words so insightful, so mature, that it quite knocked the breath from her. She felt unsure of how to respond, fascinated and frightened in equal measure by his insight.
‘I think you might be right.’
Despite the June sunshine of the morning, by the time Nina’s shift was over the day had turned foul and dark.
Strong winds rattled leaves and debris around the car park.
Nina pulled her jacket collar closed as she stepped out into the gloom of the early evening.
She couldn’t wait to get home, take off her shoes and have a large mug of tea.
She became aware of a car idling.
‘Need a lift?’ Jacob called to her across the car park. Nina looked up at the black clouds, and with tiredness spreading through her limbs, the warm, comfortable car looked like a much better option than arriving home soaking wet and blown about in the squall.