Chapter Fourteen #2
Were all those years, all those secrets, inside jokes, times of hard shit, and simple fun just worthless?
If Miles could kick Ryder to the fucking curb cause his girlfriend’s Insta pics would look better with even numbers, what would happen if I did something that she, or he, or they didn’t like?
My friendship with Miles was always the most secure part of my life, his family too, for that matter.
Like ride or die, backs against the wall type of shit, but fuck man. What if it all meant nothing?
Ryder bit his burger and made a silly face to say how good it was. I couldn’t even pick mine up. What the fuck was with him? Why was he so happy? I’d be so, so, so pissed. I was so pissed, and it didn’t even happen to me.
Maybe it was a mistake to take him to the suit place.
He had wanted to go, but still. Maybe that was one of those times where I needed to think a little harder or deeper.
That couldn’t have felt good for him. Fuck.
Shit… I should’ve been the one to say I didn’t want to go.
Made something up or said I felt sick or something.
Damnit. The first time he needed material support from me, I fell on my face.
Not a great start to being his boyfriend, huh?
Maybe I wasn’t cut out for it. Maybe I shouldn’t be anyone’s boyfriend because I was too stupid or thick-headed to think about anyone else’s needs or wants or—
“Hey.” Ryder placed his hand on mine.
My face heated, and my eyes widened. I looked at his hand, then his face.
He said, “You okay? You look like you’re freaking out.”
“Yeah. Yeah. No, I’m okay. Just thinking.”
“Thinking or spiraling?”
“Just thinking.”
“You sure?” His smile was warm, but a little accusatory. “You haven’t even taken a bite yet.”
I relaxed into my chair. He was right. “Maybe a little,” I said with an awkward chuckle.
“About what?” He put his half-eaten burger down.
“How fucked up it was for me to take you there. I should’ve said I was sick or something. I’m sorry.”
He laughed. “I wanted to go. You offered not to, but I needed to see if I could get a refund. Miles Venmo’d me the money as soon as we left the shop, so we’re good.”
My throat got tight. I couldn’t stand it, but I couldn’t stand not knowing what I couldn’t stand even more. “No, man, not all good. Or, you’re not good. Or shouldn’t be. That was so fucked up. I’m so sorry he’s treating you that way. It makes me feel like shit.”
“It shouldn’t make you feel like shit.” He chuckled, then pulled back.
Ryder gave me a sad smile and said, “Look, Bree and I don’t get along.
I’m not surprised it happened. I didn’t think I was gonna be in the wedding, anyway.
Not after he told me I wasn’t the best man anymore.
I even called him on the way to get my suit fitted, like, if I’m not in it, now’s the time to tell me.
But he paid me back, so it is what it is. ”
“That’s so fucked, man. Seriously. How are you so calm about it? Aren’t you pissed? Or hurt?”
Ryder laughed loud. “Of fucking course I’m pissed.
How could I not be? And hurt too. But there’s nothing I can do about it.
It’s her wedding, and she’s gonna be his wife.
If they don’t want me to dress in the same costume as the other guys, walk down the aisle, and take a bunch of pictures, then whatever.
At the end of the day, that’s all it is, right?
It’ll be more fun for me as a guest, anyway. I’m still gonna have a good time.”
“I’m pretty sure I’m gonna tell him I’m out. They can both fuck right off.”
He settled back in his chair. “Don’t do that. Don’t even bring it up. It’s a week away, and he already sounds stressed as fuck. Can you imagine getting married to her? Poor guy’s on his last nerve. I feel bad for yelling at him on the phone.”
“You’re taking this way better than I would. I’d go full scorched earth.”
“I’m used to it.” He took a bite of his burger and spoke with his mouth full. “It is—”
“I swear to god if you say it is what it is one more time, I’m gonna smash that burger in your face.”
Ryder laughed so hard that he choked. Before he recovered, I continued. “What do you mean, you’re used to it? Used to what? Your brother being a piece of shit? I didn’t know he could be like that, and I thought I knew everything about him.”
Ryder swallowed. “No, man. I meant… You were there when I came out. You know fucked up shit rolls off my back.”
I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about, and my face screwed up in confusion.
His coming out? From my perspective, it was nothing but smooth.
Especially considering we were in high school.
His parents embraced him. His friends were cool about it.
It went so well, and things went back to normal so quickly that I used to forget it had happened at all.
But… no. If he said something happened, then it must have. Maybe I was so dense even back then that I missed it?
I shook my head. “I’m sorry, Ry, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
His brow tilted, and he put his burger down again. “When I came out, and all that shit happened with the team?”
“I… don’t know.” I shook my head again. “Sorry.”
“Huh,” he said, and went quiet for a second. Then, “You really don’t remember?”
“Nope.”
“Seriously, for real?”
“No, man. But I’d like it if you told me.”
He stared at me for a beat, then looked away, blinking. “Jesus. Haven’t told this story in years. If it jogs your memory, please stop me.”
“Yup.”
“Do you remember Jenica Adams?” He squinted.
“The cheerleader in your year? Not really. Just the name, not the person.”
“Yeah, her. Well, we were pretty smashed at a party one night, and ended up in one of the bedrooms, but it wasn’t working for me down there.
She blamed it on whiskey dick, but in my drunken assholery, I didn’t want anyone to think I was weak like that, so I said, ‘No, it’s because you don’t have a dick.
’ Which could have gone worse. She was relieved I was gay instead of not attracted to her. ”
“Holy shit, what?”
He laughed. “Yeah. Teenagers.” He laughed again. “Anyway, I sobered and freaked out. She promised not to tell anyone and that we’d be best friends. Until the next party, where she got too drunk and told everyone.”
“I… what? What? How do I not know this?”
“I don’t know, Finn. How do you not?” He squinted, then released.
“Maybe since you were a freshman, and I was a senior…? But I’m pretty sure the whole school gossiped about it.
” He chuckled. “Then again, I was only gay in theory. It’s not like I was caught balls deep in the tight end.
So it died off quickly. Maybe that’s why you didn’t know? ”
“I mean… maybe? But your brother was my best friend. How could that’ve missed me?”
He frowned and shook his head. “You tell me.”
“Wait, wait, wait.” The memory hit me like a baseball bat to the skull.
A few people were talking about Ryder, but stopped when they realized I was listening.
“I remember something about you coming out at a party. But I think… yeah, Miles called me that night and told me you came out to your parents, and everything was cool. Maybe people didn’t gossip to me because they knew how close I was with you guys? ”
“Outed at a party, but, yeah, I told my family the next day. And that’s a good point. Everyone knew you two were tight.”
“So, what happened with the team?”
Ryder sighed. “At first, it was no big deal. People were whatever about it, but then Istvan Miller and Peter Hogsbreth told the coach they didn’t want to shower with me.
Then their parents complained about me being in the locker room at all.
My parents threw a fit, and the coach told their parents to kick rocks, but the administration was iffy. ”
That landed in my gut, and I leaned on the table so hard it creaked. “What the ever-loving fuck, Ryder? Are you kidding me?”
“Nope. Van and Pete were assholes, but their dads were worse. I could’ve pushed it, but it was just easier for me to change elsewhere.
” He shrugged. “And it was nicer showering at home with real shampoo and soap. That’s why I wasn’t around after games my senior year, which was what sucked pretty hard, not gonna lie. ”
I had no recollection of that happening. He was also on varsity, while I was on the freshman team, so maybe it didn’t filter down?
I didn’t speak for a second, and he said, “Miles didn’t tell you any of that?”
“I don’t remember him saying anything about it, no. But we talked about you being gay. He made sure I was cool with it, or he’d beat my ass, or some shit. I must’ve repressed it along with my crush on you. Doesn’t mean he didn’t, and I’m way more fucked in the head than I thought.”
“Huh.” Ryder went quiet and wouldn’t look at me.
“I tried to keep it under wraps. So did they. As far as I’m aware, no one else on the team knew what was going on.
And I made Miles swear not to tell anyone.
He was so pissed, but I made him promise.
I always figured he told you.” He looked at me. “He really didn’t?”
“Not that I remember.”
Ryder’s face fell. “Maybe he didn’t. Maybe he kept his word.”
“Why would you want to keep it under wraps? Fuck them. Why not burn the fucking place down and expose them for the shitty bigots they were?”
His eyes fluttered before looking at me again. “I guess I was embarrassed. Like something was wrong with me. But also, it’s not my job to fix bigots.”
The table groaned harder under my weight. “How could you feel embarrassed, or like something was wrong with you?”
He shook his head. “I was a kid. Shit like that is huge for kids. Being any kind of different is a life sentence. And I was popular and shit, and… I dunno. Fucked up, I guess.”