Chapter Fourteen #3
“Fuck. Ry. I’m so sorry.” I tried to smile, but I’m sure I looked sadder than he did. We were quiet for a few minutes. I found my appetite and took a few bites. I didn’t know why it bothered me so much. My skull felt like it was filled with angry bugs.
I said, “I wish I knew back then and said something. I’m sorry for being such a dense idiot.”
“That would’ve made it worse, trust me. They would’ve come after you, and I didn’t need any more collateral damage from my coming out.” He chuckled. “It’s really not a big deal. It happened forever ago, and I’m well over it. But I appreciate you caring, either way.”
“Fuck, man.” We stared at each other for a moment. “I gotta be honest, I didn’t think about you coming out often, but that’s so different from how I saw it. ‘Cause when I did, it was kinda comforting? Like, it was cool how everyone was so cool. I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
“It was comforting to you?” His head tilted.
“I guess? Maybe that’s the wrong word? More like, it was nice knowing people weren’t assholes, but I was clearly wrong.”
“Hmm.” He searched my face. “No, I think that might be the right word.” He stared at me. “Maybe, from your perspective, you knew you might have to come out one day too, and thinking it was easy for me was palliative?”
“Uh… yeah, maybe? If palliative means what I think it means.”
“Soothing.” He smiled. “My parents, family, and friends aren’t bigots, and as an adult, I know their reactions meant way more than a couple of cousin fuckers on my high school football team.” He chuckled. I didn’t. “So, from your perspective, it still is palliative.”
“I guess. Still shitty though.” I wasn’t avoiding his eyes, but I didn’t meet them either.
Ryder said, “Do you think you’re so upset about my coming out because you’re worried about telling your parents, and just not thinking about it?”
I looked at him, then back at my burger. Maybe that was a blind spot, but I didn’t think so. Instead of saying that, I sat and thought about it for a while.
After a minute, I said, “I haven’t given a lot of thought to telling my parents.”
“I’m shocked,” Ryder said with a chuckle.
“But I don’t think it bothers me? My parents have both been vocal about human rights for everyone, including LGBT+ people. Maybe they’ll be surprised, but I don’t think they’ll care.”
“You’d be surprised how much parents know about their kids but never say. Miles and Lena were shocked, but my mom knew, and my dad had suspicions. Yours might know, too.”
I laughed hard, but didn’t know what was funny. It took a minute to stop. When I did, Ryder looked at me like I was crazy.
I said, “No, man. You don’t know my parents. I’d be surprised if both of them knew my middle name, birth date, and where I work at the same time.”
Ryder cocked an eyebrow, then let it fall. “Why do you say that?”
“I dunno, just how they are. They’re good parents. They love me, and I love them. Gave me everything I needed or wanted.”
“So then why did you say that? And laugh like the goddamn Joker?”
I laughed. “Just… I dunno, man. I mean, I know they love me, but they worked hard all the time. Dad’s a lawyer, and Mom’s a vice president.
They’re the kind of people to throw money at a problem.
I was falling on my face in math class, so they hired two tutors, in case one wasn’t enough.
I was a nervous kid, scared of my own shadow, so they got me private football lessons and paid for me to be on a travel team. ”
“Oh shit,” Ryder said.
“What?”
“No, just… When you told me about what that coach said to you, it makes sense now.”
“How so?”
He shifted in his chair. “I didn’t understand how an off-handed comment could change how you interpreted the world, but…” He squinted. “Maybe he was the first authority figure to pay attention to you, and you took what he said literally. And to heart.”
“Fuck.” I blinked. “Maybe. He was the best coach I ever had. He still checks up on me from time to time.”
His smile was warm, and I wished we were on his couch watching trashy TV. “It’s crazy how that shit can affect kids. Especially when their parents don’t have enough time for them.”
“That’s kinda it. I know they care, they just weren’t around much. If I came to them with something, they’d help. Just that their help came with a price tag, you know? I had everything I ever wanted, but like, not my dad at my games, kinda thing. You know?”
“Yeah, man. I can see that.”
The buzzing in my head stopped, and I saw something I never had before. “Actually, after becoming friends with Miles, it felt good that your dad was at my games. He was there for Miles, but after a while, it felt like he was there for me too.”
“He was. He used to say he had three sons, even when you weren’t around,” Ryder said with a chuckle. “Both of my folks did.”
My chest tightened along with my throat, and my eyes stung. “Really?”
“Totally.” Ryder laughed more. “You were always part of the gang. Once you’re in, you’re in for life.”
“Fuck, man.” I took a steadying breath. “They’re really fucking good people.”
“I think I’ll keep ‘em.” He chuckled again.
“How were they not ready to beat those assholes in the face when all that shit happened with your team?”
“They were. They wanted to sue. Dad wanted to confront their fathers in public like he was some tough guy. We had several very teen-angsty screaming matches about it. But I didn’t want to make waves. Just not worth it. It is—”
“—what it is,” I said. “So you’re just gonna take it, again? Let your brother treat you like shit?”
Ryder’s smile slipped away. “It’s not the same thing. And, it is what it is. She’s gonna be the mother of my nieces and nephews. If I want to be in their life, I gotta go along to get along.”
“Fuck, man. That’s so, so fucked up.”
“I know it is.” Ryder’s voice and face finally matched what I guessed he was feeling inside.
I surprised myself by reaching across the table and holding his hand, the urge to comfort him trumping any discomfort I might’ve had about being seen like that in public.
“I promise, if it’s ever in my power, I’ll never let you feel like that ever again,” I said.
Ryder smiled with half his face. When he spoke, his voice was tight. “Thanks, Finn. That means more than you know.”