21. Byron Graham
21
BYRON GRAHAM
I didn’t know what to do.
There were no more solutions. I was completely out of ideas.
Coming up with solutions and answers to unending problems had been my entire life for the past three years. Every moment of every day was fixing one problem after another, conjuring up money from thin air like I was some kind of magician with a white rabbit tucked in his top hat.
But this time, I had nothing left.
After leaving the office, I’d returned home, stripped out of my suit, which was still in a pile on the floor, put on some messy clothes, and crawled into my shitty bed. With the blankets pulled over my head, I could pretend that the rest of the world didn’t exist. I had no job and little hope of getting another one anytime soon. Who the hell were they going to call for a reference? Anyone my would-be employer talked to would find out about this entire debacle.
What was I left with? Try to cobble together three or four minimum-wage jobs so I could keep my mom and brother from being homeless while I gave up on things like sleep and any semblance of a life until…until what? Until my mom finally passed away and I had to support only Ronnie? Until everyone forgot about this mess and I could sneak back into Corporate America with my tail tucked between my legs?
Hopelessness choked me. I couldn’t think of any way to get out of this.
Right now, I was avoiding thinking of Sebastian and all his pretty promises about protecting me and not losing my job, because rage would rise to choke out the despair. That wouldn’t last long, and I’d fall right into despair again.
I’d believed him…
Pounding footsteps echoed up the staircase and filled my silent apartment. I knew before the hammering on my door started that it was Sebastian. For a moment, I considered not answering, just letting him think I wasn’t there. Or that I was ignoring him. Whatever. I didn’t care what he thought anymore.
“Byron! Please, open the door! We need to talk!” Sebastian shouted.
I cringed, tucking my head farther beneath the covers despite the stifling heat. It was too hot to be hiding under the covers, but the world was too harsh and bright to be anywhere but hidden away.
“Please, Byron! Answer the door!”
I sighed. Sebastian was annoyingly stubborn. He was going to keep this up until I finally caved. Or worse, until he broke down the door. That was the last thing I needed right now.
With a huff, I tossed aside the covers, climbed to my feet, and shuffled across the room to open the door for him.
Sebastian burst in, wrapping me up in a tight embrace, but I couldn’t bring myself to return it. I stood there, my body limp and numb.
“Oh, God! Byron, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. This happened so fast. I wasn’t able to step in quickly enough. But don’t give up. I can talk to the board on your behalf, get them to see reason. To understand that none of this was your fault.”
“Don’t.”
Sebastian flinched at that single word. He slowly released me and took a step back, allowing me to walk away from him.
“But…”
“No one is going to believe that it wasn’t my fault. I started dating you of my own free will. I knew the rules and the consequences, yet I still did it anyway,” I continued. My voice was dead. Completely without inflection, as if I couldn’t summon up the emotions that had churned in me just a couple of hours ago.
Even though it had happened only this morning, I didn’t want to talk about any of it now.
“What happened to you?” I asked. My head was throbbing, and my throat was raw from holding in screams and tears.
Sebastian’s ragged voice had somehow become sandpaper to my ears. “I had to issue an apology to the entire company for my behavior and I’m on a temporary leave of absence.”
I grunted. It was more than I’d expected. I’d figured they’d brush all this under the rug or shift the entire blame onto my shoulders. The fact that Sebastian had admitted to some culpability and he’d had to step back, even temporarily, was considerable.
Of course, it was a slap on the wrist compared to my current unemployed status, but that was what you got when your name was on the building.
“Look, it you need some help until you get on your feet…”
My head spun around to him so fast. “Are you offering me money?” I demanded. The little threads that were holding my temper in were snapping faster and faster now. The dam was crumbling, and the town below was about to get washed the fuck out. “That’s what got me into this mess in the first place. I sold out my reputation and my integrity so I could have some breathing space. So I could have a taste of what a normal life and a normal date with a hot guy might be like.”
“Byron, I can fix this.”
“There’s no fixing this anymore!” I bellowed, but I barely heard the words over the loud cracking sound that broke from within me. “You said I wouldn’t lose my job, and I did. I trusted you. Believed in you.” Shaking my head, I paced away from him. Anger boiled inside of me, but I couldn’t tell any longer if I was pissed at him or myself. “I’m lucky that they paid out my unused vacation time and gave me a somewhat decent severance package because some of the other executives felt bad and tried to go to bat for me. Right now, my choices are living in my car or trying to move in with my mom if I don’t find a job right away.”
“What? You can’t do that! Your mother is toxic. Just being in her presence, listening to her hate, will make you sick.”
“But what other option do I have? I’m not making enough money to afford this apartment, plus her mortgage, plus my brother’s bills.”
“You can come live with me. Besides, our bargain covers?—”
“Don’t bring up that stupid bargain!” I rounded at him, shoving a trembling finger in his face for a second, only to whip my hand away. I resumed my pacing while muttering, “I should never have agreed to this.”
“Should never have…” Sebastian whispered harshly before taking a heavy step toward me. “What about us? I thought we had something. I thought we were building something important to both of us. That it was more than money, but that’s all I’m hearing out of your mouth since I walked in the door.”
“Yeah, because my whole life hinges on having enough of it to pay my bills. Sure, you might not have been born into a rich family, but it’s been long enough that you don’t remember what it’s like to be really poor. You don’t know that constant worry about whether you’re going to scrape together the rent in time or if you’re going to be evicted at the end of the month. You don’t know what it’s like wondering if you’re going to spend the next month living on nothing but rice and cheap ramen packets, because that’s all you can afford.”
“I don’t want you worrying about that, either. If you’ll move in with me, I’ll take care of you.”
My jaw ached as I clenched my teeth. I knew he was trying to be kind and thoughtful, but his words made the bile rise in the back of my throat. My feet carried me to the far side of the room because they didn’t trust me not to fall into his waiting arms. Let him take all my worries away with more sweet promises, and the terrified part of me wanted to take him up on it. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.
“And then what? I become your kept boyfriend? I depend on you for everything. You give me an allowance and I do nothing all day, waiting for you to come home.” I shook my head. “I might be poor, but I have some self-respect left.”
“That’s not what I meant. My offer is to help you get on your feet.”
So, guilt. He felt guilty about failing to save my job and now he was attempting to clean up this mess with his money.
“I…” I stopped and swallowed hard. My eyes were burning and I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him. “Sebastian, I appreciate the offer. I know it doesn’t sound like it, but I do. I can’t take it. If I did, I wouldn’t be able to face my reflection in the mirror. For as long as I can remember, I’ve stood on my own two feet and helped to support my family without needing to sell myself.”
“Accepting some help isn’t selling yourself. You’d have space to yourself. I wouldn’t expect you to…”
Thankfully, Sebastian didn’t finish that statement, but I could fill in the blanks. I wouldn’t be trading sex for money with him. Deep down, I knew he wasn’t trying to buy me, but my head was a fucking mess right now. There was no thinking straight through this tangle of anger, frustration, and fear.
“Where…” Sebastian started, his voice growing more ragged. “Where does this leave us?”
My eyes fell shut, and I drew in a steadying breath. “Us dating…it was always about more than the money. To me, the bargain was a gimmick to break through the wall between us. I never really gave the bargain a thought after we first agreed to it, and I don’t expect you to pay a damn cent now. I…I just loved being with you. Whether it was in the office or on a date, I loved being near you. When I was with you, I felt like I wasn’t one step away from disaster. You made me feel safe, but that’s all over now.” I swallowed hard and pushed the last words out as fast as I could. “I don’t think we should see each other. At least, not right now. All my focus needs to be on fixing my life so that my brother and mom don’t end up homeless.”
I loved him. I loved Sebastian Courtland with every fucking fiber of my being, but I couldn’t be with him while my life was such a mess.
The silence that fell on the apartment was suffocating. Neither of us moved for several minutes. My heart was screaming the entire time I waited for Sebastian to respond that I should take the words back. I’d take them all back and beg Sebastian to hold me so I wouldn’t feel so scared and helpless. If Sebastian believed in me, I could handle it all.
But it didn’t feel like he believed in me. He just wanted to fix it all with a wave of his checkbook.
The floor creaked under Sebastian as he straightened from where he’d been leaning on the sink. His footsteps were like thunder as he pounded across the room. One hand thudded beside my head as it hit the wall, and he leaned in so close his breath brushed across my hair.
“I’m not giving up on us, but I understand. Can you at least promise me something?”
There was a long pause as he waited for me.
“I can try,” I rasped.
“If you need help, you will reach out to someone. You can reach out to me as a friend if you need it and I will always be there. No strings attached. No expectations. I promise. But if you’re not comfortable reaching out to me, call Kaylan or Declan. Someone. You might think you’re alone, but you aren’t, Byron Graham. There are a lot of people out there who see you as a friend and they would jump over buildings and rivers to help you. Just promise me.”
“I’ll try,” I said, because they were the only words left to me.
“We’re not through. I’m not giving up.” Sebastian leaned in, bumping his forehead against the side of my head.
I couldn’t tell if his words were a vow or a threat. Maybe a little bit of both. I wanted to believe him. Wanted to hold on to that promise that the time we had together wasn’t finished and that one day I was going to be in his arms, but I couldn’t do it right now. So much of my identity was wrapped up in my ability to fix my problems and support my family. I needed to fix this on my own. Especially since this was my mistake. Not his.
“I’m sorry, Sebastian. I wish?—”
He lifted a hand and flicked the end of my nose, halting my words sharply. “You’ve not gotten rid of me yet.”
“Trust me, you’re better off without me.”
“Not happening.” He brushed a light kiss across my cheek and something inside of me splintered. “Get some rest. You’ll think better after you’ve had some rest.”
Sebastian shoved away from the wall and walked out of my apartment, shutting the door loudly behind him. The farther he moved away from me, the softer his footsteps grew. I slid down the wall, finally giving in to the hopeless sobs that had been fighting to escape all day.
It was a pretty promise, but I knew I would never see him again. The man was so far out of my fucking league, it was ridiculous. I’d tasted heaven, and now I was being punished for reaching too high.
In a matter of days, he’d forget about me and move on to someone of his own social class who didn’t come with so many burdens and headaches.
Oh God, why did this hurt more than losing my job and my life falling apart?