Chapter 4
four
. . .
S he’s suffocating. What am I even supposed to say to her? How does one respond? I feel like my life has been a lie, at least the part with her. Here I am, thinking we have the perfect life with two perfect kids, and my perfect wife is suffocating, but never says anything. When we made love, was she suffocating then? How am I supposed to unpack any of this without losing my mind?
After the kids get home and we have dinner, I go out. I need to be alone. I need space to think and process my failed marriage. I had hoped that with me suggesting I go with her, she’d change her mind about taking Amelie, and give up on the notion that our daughter needs this life experience. I know Amelie probably better than she knows herself. She’s not going to be happy once the newness of the adventure wears off. She doesn’t like dirt or being overly hot. Sharing isn’t her idea of fun either and I’m fairly certain Aubrey hasn’t told her that she doesn’t get to bring any of her electronic devices or any of her things when they go out on a mission. Which, knowing the agency, will be right away. Then what’s Aubrey going to do with a bored ten-year-old who isn’t accustomed to the lifestyle Aubrey grew up with? Should we have introduced the kids to the work their grandparents do? Absolutely. Did we? No, we failed in that department of parenting.
I drive around for hours until I find myself in the parking lot of the liquor store. The red sign hums from the electricity surging through the neon bulbs. The Q is out and has been for at least ten, if not fifteen years. My phone rings and Josie’s name shows on the screen in my car. I press the button.
“Hey.”
“Hi, just checking to make sure Mack is still coming with us?”
“Yeah, he is.”
“Great. I’ll let Noah and Paige know. Just pack him whatever warm clothes he has. I’ll order him a ski suit thingy or whatever they’re called.”
“Thanks. I can pay you.”
“Nah, don’t worry about it.”
“Does he need to bring anything?”
“No, I think between Jenna, Katelyn, and myself we’ll have it all covered.”
I nod and look out the window. “Thanks, Josie. You don’t know how much this means to him. And to me.”
“It’s our pleasure.”
We hang up and I sit there, contemplating if I want to go into the store or just go home. I hate that I left Mack there without a buffer. He doesn’t deserve what’s going on. Neither does Amelie. Siblings pitted against each other because parents can’t figure their shit out can’t be fun. He wants to stay. She wants to go. The Ashford men want one thing, while the women in our lives want something that tears our family apart.
It's now or never. I go inside and grab a six pack of bottles. Always bottles. And I pay in cash because that’s the only thing they take. I suppose that’s why the Q is still out on the sign. The books are cooked. Mind you, this is also the place in town that never looks twice at an ID, so I guess it’s no surprise. It doesn’t matter if the name on it says Santa Claus, they’ll let you buy beer. None of the cops in town have ever busted them because they’d all have to admit they bought beer illegally when they were minors. There isn’t a single person in town that’ll rat this place out.
In Beaumont, when you have a six pack of bottles, there’s only one place you go to drink it—the water tower—and hopefully Liam wins his legal battle against the city to keep it up. Otherwise, where will we go? Or rather, where will the kids go . . . because this place is for them. At least, that’s what us old asses keep telling ourselves.
I’m not surprised to see Liam’s truck when I pull in. In fact, I’m happy he’s here. I have to talk to him, man-to-man, something we’ve never been able to do. Honestly, I think he still wants to pound my head into the ground because Josie and I were together, and Noah calls me Dad. Thank God for Noah or I’d be dead.
“Liam!” I don’t yell his name but say it loud enough he should hear me. If I know him at all, he’s rolling his eyes and cursing under his breath. He hates me. I get it.
“What do you want, Ashford?”
Yep, totally hates me. But he likes my son and that’s what is important.
I climb the ladder and sit down next to him.
“To what do I owe the pleasure?” he asks.
Instead of answering, I pop the top on a bottle and hand it to him, and then after opening one for myself, I take a long pull off mine. I have no idea where to start. “Josie called. She said Mack is welcome to come to Vermont after Christmas.”
“He is.”
I don’t think Liam knows how much that means to me. Or how much it means that I’ve had a relationship with Noah for all these years. Losing Josie was one thing, but losing Noah . . . I don’t think I would’ve been able to handle it.
“That’s good. Mack will like that.” I clear my throat.
“Is everything okay?”
I slowly shake my head and take another drink. Tears threaten to emerge, and I fight to keep them at bay. I’d rather jump off this ledge than cry in front of Liam Page. Can you imagine? “Aubrey’s going to South Africa, and she’s taking Amelie with her.” As I say the words out loud, I realize how fucked up the situation truly is, and how I’m left with very little choice in the matter.
“Well, if Mack needs to go with you guys, Noah and Paige will understand.”
I turn and look at Liam, despite it being dark out. Can he see the pain I’m in? The turmoil? “I didn’t tell Josie when she called, but uh . . .” I clear my throat again. “Aubrey’s moving.”
“Oh.”
“I haven’t told Noah yet, either. I guess it’s odd that I’m telling you first, of all people, but . . . yeah. My wife wants to move back to South Africa. I’ve known this for a while but sort of brushed it under the rug. Mack is excelling in Beaumont and probably has a chance at a scholarship or two. She wants to take it all away, and I can’t have that.” There’s so much pain in my voice. I thought by saying these things out loud to him, I’d feel some sort of relief, but I don’t. “I never thought I would be in this position to have to choose my child over my wife, but here I am.”
“And Amelie decided to go with Aubrey?”
Nick nods. “A girl needs her mother. Amelie knows she can come back anytime she wants.”
“And Mack? How does he feel?”
“He’s hurt. Sad. Angry with his mother that she won’t reconsider. He doesn’t want to leave Beaumont. I think back to when I tried to do this to Noah, right after you came back, and Josie was adamant they stay. She was right. I want to think I’m making the right decision, putting my son’s future before my happiness . . . before my wife’s .”
We’re quiet for a moment, likely remembering the time when he came back for Mason’s funeral, and everything went to shit.
“Do you think it’s easier to decide to stay here with Mack because things are over between you and Aubrey?”
“As much as I hate to say it, Liam. I think you’re right. Aubrey hasn’t been happy for a long time, and I’ve ignored it. Hell, we don’t even sleep in the same room. Most nights, I fall asleep on the couch before going to sleep in the den.”
“Is there anything Josie and I can do for you and Mack?”
I’m about to ask the man who hates me, who would rather see me fall flat on my face, one of the most important questions of my life. “I feel like I need to go with Aubrey and make sure Amelie is settled. I don’t want to wonder if where they’re living is safe. Do you think Mack could stay with you while I do this?”
“Yes, of course,” Liam says without hesitation. “When will you leave?”
“Aubrey wants to leave when the kids are released for winter break. I know you’re leaving early. I’ll wait until after Christmas.”
Liam shakes his head. “Mack can spend Christmas with us. I think Noah would really like that. I know Paige would.”
“Are you sure, Liam? I know I have no right asking you to help us.”
“We’re family, Nick. As much as I hate it, my son looks at you as a dad. I’ll never ask him to stop.” Liam does the unthinkable and puts his hand on my shoulder. “Are you sure Mack is okay with missing Christmas with you, Aubrey, and Amelie?”
“He already knows his mom and sister are leaving and wouldn’t be here. I think spending the vacation with your family will be a good thing for my son.”
“Okay, then. Don’t worry about anything where Mack’s concerned. You may want to get the address from Josie and send Mack’s presents there. If you haven’t bought any, give me the list and I’ll make sure they're under the tree for him.”
I nod and let a single tear drip down my cheek. If Liam sees it, he doesn’t say anything. He hands me another beer, and I drink it.
An hour later, he offers me a ride home and I accept.
The next day, the headache is real. I can’t remember the last time I was hungover, but here I am, nursing a whopper. My staff calls in their lunch order for Whimsicality and I volunteer to go get it. I have to speak to Josie anyway and I might as well go see her now.
Except when I get here, she’s having a conversation with my wife. I’m about to open the door when Aubrey rushes toward it and pushes it open with force.
“I knew you were fucking her,” she says loudly, on the crowded street of downtown.
“Aubrey, I’m here to talk to her about our son spending the holidays with her and to give her some money.”
“Just admit it,” she screams. “The reason you won’t move is because of her. Does Liam know? Maybe I should go find him and tell him.”
I ignore the bullshit. “The reason we aren’t moving is because our son is in high school,” I say through gritted teeth. “Look, I don’t know what’s gotten into you or why you’re crying, but you’re making a scene.”
“Do you want to know why I’m crying?”
“As a matter of fact, I do.”
“Because . . .” She pauses and wipes at her tears. “Because of this.” Aubrey motions between us. “I know I asked for a divorce, but I didn’t expect it to hurt.”
“Then make it stop, Aubrey. Let’s go to counseling. We can figure something out. Make more time to travel during the summer when the kids are out of school. You can volunteer and do what you love doing.” I step forward and reach for her, and for a second, I think she’s going to fall into my arms. Instead, she takes a step back and damn, it feels like a kick in the gut.
“It’s not that simple anymore, Nick.”
“Why isn’t it? We haven’t filed anything. All we’ve done is talk. Nothing is set in stone.”
Aubrey shakes her head. “It’s not what I want.” She turns and walks down the street, leaving me there. In a matter of minutes, the entire town is going to know I’m getting a divorce.
I go inside and Josie pops her head out from around the corner. “Hey.”
“I’m sorry you saw that.”
“I’m sorry for what you’re going through.” She motions toward the window. “Whatever that is.”
I can’t help but sigh. “I told her that Mack is going with you for the holidays, and she instantly accused me of having an affair and said she was going to tell Liam.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, no matter what I say, she doesn’t believe me. I don’t get it. Aubrey’s the one who wants to leave, but I’m the bad guy because I won’t give up my practice, my coaching job, or yank our son from high school. I’m trying to give him a good, stable life, and she’s making me feel like I’ve done something wrong.”
“You haven’t, Nick. At least from what Liam said. I just want you to know that Mack is welcome to stay as long as he needs. Don’t worry. Our door is open.”
I pull the envelope from my inside pocket and hand it to her even though I know she won’t take the money. Josie will end up using it on the kids, which I’m fine with. I know she and Liam will take care of my son. I trust them. More than I trust my wife right now.
Josie’s staff packs up the lunches and hands them to me. On my way back to the office, the staring and the whispering start. Just lovely.