Chapter Twenty-Five
“Explain this to me,” Cheryl said when Jax walked into the store a few days after the Fourth. She handed over an envelope.
“I have no idea what that is,” Jax admitted, then saw the return address was for Marcus’s construction business. When she
saw the familiar logo, her chest got all tight and she felt the weight of sadness.
“It’s the final bill,” Cheryl said, her tone accusing. “One of his employees dropped it off.”
“Why do you have attitude? I’m going to pay the man.”
Cheryl glared at her. “One of his employees, Jax. Not him. Marcus is forever in and out of the store. It made me realize I
haven’t seen him in days. Maybe a week. Something happened. You blew it, didn’t you? You messed up and now he’s gone.”
Jax ignore the instant guilt. “Hey, it’s not on me. He’s the one who ended things. I’m the wronged party.”
Cheryl shook her head. “No one believes that. Of course it’s you. What happened?”
“Nothing. No, I mean that. I was minding my own business when he asked if I could see myself falling in love with him. That’s
not a fair question.”
“You said no.” Cheryl’s tone was flat.
“It’s not a fair question!” Jax repeated. “He’s not supposed to ask that. It’s only been a couple of months. We hadn’t even
had sex.” She hung her head. “I laughed.”
“I don’t understand.”
Jax drew in a breath. “When he asked if I could see myself falling for him, I laughed and said ‘God, no’ or something like
that. But he shouldn’t have asked.”
“It wasn’t about if you were in love, it was about whether or not you saw the relationship going somewhere. Which you don’t.
He’s had a thing for you for a while now and you dumped all over him. No wonder he ended things.”
“This isn’t my fault.”
Cheryl rolled her eyes. “The man put himself out there over and over. He showed up, took care of you, made it clear that he
was all in and you laughed at him.”
Jax flinched. “Not at him,” she murmured, feeling worse by the minute. Because the truth was, she missed Marcus—more than she would have thought.
She liked hanging out with him, having him drop by. She liked how he was with Ramon and her kids. He was a good guy.
“He caught me at a bad moment,” she grumbled.
“When would have been a good one?”
“I don’t know. Maybe if he’d warned me or something. I wasn’t ready. I’m not ready.”
“For what?” Cheryl asked. “Dating? It’s been well over a year since you and Harris split up. How much healing do you need?”
“I don’t need to heal. I need to . . .” She had no idea what was wrong.
Cheryl’s expression softened. “Jax, have you considered the fact that maybe you don’t want to be in a relationship?
You seem really happy on your own. For some people, that’s just how they’re wired.
I’ve never been married. When I was younger, I kept waiting to fall in love but at some point in my thirties I realized I didn’t want to be in a relationship.
Once I figured out I was perfectly content to be single, I stopped waiting for a man and got on with my life. Maybe that’s you.”
Jax stared at her friend. Was she right? Was the real problem that Jax didn’t care about being paired up? Was she a more “go
it alone” kind of person?
But even as she thought the question, she felt herself rejecting the idea. In another decade her kids would be going to college
and starting lives without her. She didn’t want to spend the next thirty or forty years by herself. She wanted someone to
share things with. Someone to love her that she could love back.
So why wasn’t she actively looking for a man? She was long over her marriage—in fact there hadn’t been that much to get over.
She and Harris had never been partners. She’d been perfectly comfortable with him gone for weeks at a time.
But she wanted more, she thought unexpectedly. She wanted connection and love and passion and . . .
Except she had to be in control. Always. She was in charge of everything. From deciding whether or not there would be a second
sibling to taking care of Ryleigh to raising Ramon. She was the one who managed and took care of others and never showed weakness.
But being in love, being a partner, meant being vulnerable, which absolutely wasn’t her style.
“You just thought of something,” Cheryl said.
“I’m afraid to trust anyone,” Jax said, her voice more question than statement. “I never let Harris make any decisions because
I didn’t think he would make the right one.”
“You mean the one you wanted.”
“Maybe. Probably. I never learned how to be a partner because I didn’t see the point. I could do it all myself. Why mess with
someone else? Only that sounds really lonely. Before, I had Ryleigh and then my kids. But they’re going to grow up and my
sister might move to San Diego and then it’ll just be me and Ramon and while I love him, I want more.”
“You mean someone like Marcus? The perfect man you laughed at?”
Jax winced. “Did you have to put it that way?”
“You can’t fix the problem until you’re willing to see it for what it is. You’re a strong woman, Jax. That’s admirable until
that strength works against you. Remember before when you were upset about Ryleigh moving. You said your life was a four-legged
stool, but you’d lost Harris and you were about to lose Ryleigh so you wouldn’t have a stool at all.”
She nodded.
“It was never that.” Cheryl’s tone gentled. “You’re your own four-legged stool. It’s not about losing anything. It’s about
being a part of something. Don’t be a lonely stool. Be a pair of them. Maybe a little bistro table.”
Jax started to laugh, then startled herself when she felt tears in her eyes. “I don’t want to be someone who’s afraid to love.”
“Then don’t be.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Why does it have to be hard?”
Ryleigh had barely walked into her condo after her long drive back from San Deigo when her cell phone rang. When she saw the
619 area code, she knew exactly who was calling. Fifteen minutes later she had a job offer that included a very generous signing
bonus. She’d listened carefully, taking notes, then had promised to get them an answer by the end of the week. She hung up,
gathered Lucy into her arms and held on tight.
“I’m scared,” she whispered into the silky fur. Lucy purred in response.
“I know I can do it. I’m not as strong as Jax, but I’m capable. I can move myself down there and start over. It’s just . . .”
She curled up on the sofa, Lucy snuggled against her. “I don’t want to go,” she admitted. “Don’t tell anyone but I don’t want to go. I’ll miss too much. Jax and the kids. My friends, my job here. And Alex and Noah.”
Lucy looked up at her, her blue eyes knowing.
“Okay,” Ryleigh admitted. “I’d miss Alex the most. I can’t help it. I’m in love with him. I want us to be together, but he’s
still in love with Kim. He doesn’t have room for me in his heart.”
Lucy gave her a friendly headbutt.
“Yes, I’m going to tell him, just not now.” She thought maybe she would throw the words over her shoulder as she was pulling
out of town. Because as much as she didn’t want to move, she wasn’t sure she had a choice. Staying meant loving Alex but never
truly being a part of his life. Not the way she wanted. And for her, friendship wasn’t going to be enough. Better to make
a clean break.
But leaving meant walking away from so much, she thought sadly.
Someone knocked on her door. Instantly her heart pounded in her chest. The only person who ever dropped by was Alex and right
now she felt too vulnerable to face him. She was afraid she would blurt out the truth and ruin everything.
But instead of her handsome friend, Cheryl stood on her landing.
“I should have called,” the other woman said, “but you were on my way and I figured what the hell.” She held out a slim diary.
“You should read this.”
Ryleigh tucked her hands behind her back. “I’m not reading someone else’s diary. That’s your job.”
Cheryl grinned. “It’s been very enlightening. Our little town has a lot of secrets.” She waved the book. “You’ll want to read
this one. It’s Dustin’s.”
“No way. He’s not the diary type.” Without thinking she took the book. “I’m not going to read this,” she said firmly.
“Of course not. You can simply return it to him. I’m sure he’ll be grateful.”
With that, Cheryl left.
Ryleigh went back to her sofa where she tossed the diary on the coffee table.
“I’m not going to read it,” she told Lucy, who curled up next to her. “It would be wrong. Very wrong. And intrusive. Dustin
deserves to have his privacy respected.” She paused. “Although he didn’t try to claim his diary when he had a chance, so maybe
he doesn’t care. And he’s a lawyer. He would know that if it wasn’t claimed then it became public property or something, right?”
She leaned forward, then sat back up. “No. I’ll text him. If he wants me to drop it off, I will. Otherwise, I’m returning
it to its slot in the bookstore. That’s the right thing to do.”
She reached for her phone, but somehow found herself clutching the diary.
“Dammit,” she muttered as she opened it and began to read.
I’ve never felt like this before. I can’t talk to anyone and this diary is a stupid idea, but I have to let it out. I can’t
stop thinking about her. God, what’s wrong with me? I’m with Ryleigh. We’re in love and it’s great. But last night I met someone
else. She’s amazing. Beautiful and sweet and funny. Just looking into her eyes, I knew she was the one.
“Holy crap! Dustin cheated on me with some bitch cow!”
Ryleigh and I were out and we ran into friends of hers. She introduced me. Shawna smiled and that was it. But she’s with Harris
and I’m with Ryleigh and she probably doesn’t even remember who I am. I need to stop thinking about her, but I can’t.
“Shawna? Dustin had a thing for Shawna? Who knew?”
She flipped the page and read the next entry.