16. Maria
Rushing down the hallway, my arms full of files, I stumble over a crack in the floor. My whole body pitches forward, and though I manage to stay standing, the papers fly everywhere.
“Damn it.” I drop to my knees to gather the scattered documents.
“Here, let me help you.” The familiar voice makes me freeze.
Nathan, seemingly having appeared out of nowhere, bends down to pick up some of the files. We reach for the same paper at the same time, our fingers brushing against each other. My heart flutters as our eyes lock.
Damn. I thought my feelings would be gone by now. We’ve been back in New York for over a month, and here I am, still crushing on him.
What the heck is wrong with me?
“Uh, thanks.” Heat rises in my cheeks, and I hate that he can see me blushing. Even though we’re done and in the past, surely he still sees what he does to me.
Nathan seems just as flustered as me, quickly stepping away and leaving after handing me the remaining files. I sigh, wishing things could go back to the way they were before. Before the gala. Before Montauk. Before I ever tasted his lips.
But as much as I tried to ignore it, I can’t deny that my feelings for him haven’t gone anywhere. If anything, they might even be getting stronger.
“Ooh, what was that all about?” Emily’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts.
I glance at my coworker, noticing the mischievous glint in her eyes. Emily’s always been the office gossip, relentlessly eager to dig up dirt on everyone. The last thing I need is for her to suspect that there’s something going on between me and Nathan. If my work reputation becomes marred, it’ll be hard to find another job whenever I do eventually leave this one.
“Nothing,” I reply defensively, clutching the files to my chest. “We were just picking up some papers.”
“Come on, Maria. It’s obvious that Nathan is hot for you.” She nudges me playfully, and my face burns again.
Nathan? Hot for me?
No. That doesn’t make any sense. She must have interpreted his disdain for attraction. Nathan has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me unless it involves picking up his dry cleaning or ordering coffees for his business meetings.
“Really, it’s not like that,” I insist, hoping to put an end to the topic. The last thing I want is for anyone to find out what happened between us. If word gets out that I slept with my boss, it could ruin my career. I’ve worked hard to become a high-profile assistant, and the thought of losing everything because of one night is terrifying.
“All right, if you say so.” Emily shrugs, not sounding at all convinced. “But just remember, if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here.”
“Thanks, Emily.” I force a smile, but, of course, no way in hell will I ever be confiding in her about anything.
As I return to my desk, my mind races with thoughts of what might happen if anyone discovers the truth about Nathan and me. Would I be able to find another job? Or would this be the end of my entire career?
It’s probably good that he doesn’t want to be with me anyway. Almost as bad as losing my career would be people thinking that I’m sleeping with my boss in order to get ahead.
Then again, in the light of Nathan giving me that check, things are different. I have more options now than I had before. Technically, I could walk away from this whole field if I wanted to. I could take the money and invest it in my own business, or real estate, or anything I want.
But I already know that I won’t be leaving this job anytime soon. A part of me is still tied here, tied to Nathan. Even if I hate admitting it to myself.
Finally, the end of the workday arrives and I waste no time wrapping up my last few tasks. Kelsey is coming to town for the weekend, and I’m starving for the kind of fun my sister always brings with her. Maybe, with her in tow, I’ll actually be able to forget about Nathan for a while.
Eager to escape the tension that’s become a constant companion at the office, I grab my purse and glance at Nathan’s door. His office is dark. He could have already left, since there’s a second door from his office that leads into the hallway.
But then his door suddenly opens, and he steps out.
“Oh.” I blink at him. “I thought you’d left.”
“Not yet.” He glances at my computer screen, which still displays an array of paint samples. “Redecorating?”
It’s probably the first time he’s asked me anything about my personal life since we returned to New York, and it catches me more than a little off guard.
“Oh.” I press my lips together. “I was just… I’m using some of the money you gave me to fix up the cabin in Montauk.” My cheeks flush at the mention of the place where we hid away together.
“Montauk?” Something flashes in his eyes for the briefest moment. It seems like he might say something more, but instead, he quickly shuts down again and gives me a tight-lipped smile. “That’s nice.”
I bite my lip to hold back a sigh, trying not to let my disappointment show. The memory of the intimate moment we’d shared earlier today, with our faces so close and my heart pounding erratically, is still fresh in my mind. But now, standing here with him, it feels like a cruel joke. As if every step forward only leads to two steps back.
“Thanks,” I mumble, averting my gaze from his unreadable expression. My heart aches, longing for even a hint of the connection we shared before reality came crashing down on us.
“Have a good evening, Maria,” he says, retreating back into his office.
“You too, Nathan,” I reply softly, the weight of everything unsaid between us hanging heavy in the air as I turn and leave for the day.
The door to the office building swings shut behind me, and I inhale deeply, trying to shake off the disappointment that clings to me like a second skin. I know I should consider finding another job, just to be away from Nathan. Seeing him every day is simply becoming too hard.
But every time I think about doing that, I can’t bring myself to take any steps toward it. It’s like I freeze.
I make my way down the busy sidewalk, a chill in the air biting at my cheeks as I pull my scarf tighter around my neck. The city bustles around me — honking cars, chatting pedestrians, and lights blinking and flashing — but all I can think about is the distance between Nathan and me that seems to grow larger each day.
“Maria!” a familiar voice calls out, and I turn to see my favorite ramen vendor waving enthusiastically from his food truck. “It’s been a while! How have you been?”
“Hi, Toshi!” I greet him with a smile, grateful for the distraction. “Things have been… busy. Can I get my usual order, please? Times two?”
“Of course!” He gets to work, expertly tossing ingredients into a steaming pot as we chat. “Who’s the second one for? You have a date?” He wiggles his eyebrows.
“Actually, my sister is coming into town tonight.” The thought of a date makes my heart sink, because there’s only one person I want to be going on dates with, and I know it will never happen.
“Ah, how nice! Enjoy your time together.” Toshi hands over my takeout bag filled with warm, savory ramen. “And remember, my ramen is always here to lift your spirits!”
“Thanks, Toshi.” I laugh, knowing that while ramen might not be able to fix everything, at least it’s a start.
Back at my apartment, I kick off my shoes and shuck off my coat, happy that my sister will soon be here and it won’t be another lonely, sad night spent by myself.
“Okay,” I murmur, setting the food down on my coffee table and pulling out my phone. “Time for some serious job searching.”
Kelsey isn’t due to arrive for at least another twenty minutes, and if I don’t make the most of this time right now, then I’ll never do it.
As I begin scrolling through various job listings, I can’t help but feel a pang of guilt. I love my job — it pays well, and I’m good at what I do. But the thought of being near Nathan every day, feeling the weight of our unspoken secrets and my desire, is becoming unbearable. Maybe it’s time to let go of this chapter in my life and start anew, somewhere far away from the man who’s stolen my heart and broken it in the process.
“Maria?” A soft knock on the door interrupts my thoughts, and I glance at the clock. Kelsey’s early, but her arrival couldn’t be more welcome.
“Coming!” I call out, quickly stashing my phone and opening the door to greet my sister.
As we embrace, her warmth wraps around me like a protective shield, and for the first time in a long while, I allow myself to breathe. My sister has always been my rock, the one person who knows how to navigate the maze that is my heart.
“God, I’ve missed you.” I have to blink back tears.
“Missed you too, sis. Now, let’s get inside. That drive kicked my butt.” She gives me a playful shove towards the living room, and I can’t help but smile at her enthusiasm.
Kelsey sets her suitcase down by the door as we settle on my sofa, our ramen to-go boxes spread out on the coffee table. The steam wafts up from the containers, filling the room with warmth and the savory aroma of our dinner.
“All right, spill it.” Kelsey digs into her noodles. “Something’s been eating at you, and I want to know what it is.”
I hesitate for a moment, unsure where to begin. But my sister’s patient expression prompts me to open up, and the words come tumbling out like a flood. “It’s Nathan. When we were in the cabin together… I might not have told you the whole story.”
Kelsey’s eyes go wide. “What did you not tell me?!”
My cheeks heat up as I think back to our time in Montauk. “We hid away in the cabin, and things just… happened.”
“Things?” She raises an eyebrow. “Like, you broke out the board games and destroyed him in Monopoly?”
“Okay, fine. We slept together.” I stare down at my bowl of ramen, suddenly finding it incredibly interesting. “And it was amazing, but then the next morning, he was distant, like nothing had ever happened. And we got the call that it was safe to return to New York, so we did… And he threw himself back into work, and… well…”
“Wow, that’s… a lot.” Kelsey looks genuinely concerned as she rests her hand on mine. “What are you going to do?”
I sigh, running my fingers through my hair. “That’s the problem. I don’t know. It’s been so tense at work, and I can’t stand being around him, knowing what we shared but acting like it never happened.”
“Have you tried talking to him about it?” Kelsey asks gently.
“Of course not. I mean, what would I even say? ‘Hey, Nathan, remember when we slept together and then you went all cold on me? Let’s chat about our feelings.’ He’s made it pretty clear he doesn’t want me.”
Kelsey laughs, shaking her head at my sarcasm. “You have a point, but maybe you should try being honest with him. You never know, he might be feeling just as confused and hurt as you are.”
“I don’t know, Kels,” I say, doubt creeping into my voice. “I’m not sure if I can handle putting myself out there again, only to be rejected.”
“Listen to yourself.” She puts down her chopsticks and leans in closer. “You sound like Mom — closed off after one bad experience. Do you really want to have a frozen heart like hers?”
My chest tightens at the comparison. I glance down at my lap, fiddling with the hem of my blouse, remembering all the years of watching Mom shut herself off from love and intimacy. No, that’s not who I want to become.
“Of course not,” I admit quietly, meeting Kelsey’s gaze. “But it’s just… it’s hard, you know? I don’t know if I have the courage to face Nathan and tell him how I feel.”
“Sometimes, the hardest things are the most worth doing.” She offers a knowing smile. “Just think about it, okay? You never know. He might be feeling the same way.”
I let out a deep breath, trying to push away the doubts swirling in my mind.
“Hey, look at it this way.” Kelsey grins mischievously. “If it all goes south, we can drown our sorrows together in wine and ice cream.”
I can’t help but chuckle at the mental image, feeling a little of the weight lift from my shoulders. “Deal.”
“Good.” Kelsey clinks her chopsticks against mine. “Now, let’s eat before this gets cold.”
As we continue eating, I quietly consider her words. Could I really find it in me to be honest with Nathan and tell him that I’ve fallen for him? The thought terrifies me, yet also fills me with a strange sense of hope.
And if it doesn’t work out as I wish, at least I’ll have Kelsey by my side — and a tub of ice cream waiting for us to share.