Epilogue Two - Frankie Hogan Joke Notebook
THE WEDDING VOWS EDITION
Owen,
I spent the last month writing and rewriting vows in my joke notebook.
Some of the crap I came up with was actually pretty funny.
But it didn’t capture how I feel about marrying you.
So I decided to start over and just write from the heart.
I’ll use the other stuff in future episodes of the international hit streaming sitcom sensation Funny Business and give all the best lines to the beloved side character I play, of course.
The stuff that’s not about your best man, I mean (exaggerated wink).
But as a staff writer, I will continue to fight the good fight against the executives over the use of creative schlong terms. Because the family comedy–viewing audience is ready for a side of hot beef injection with their fart jokes.
It was two years ago that you gave me the promise ring to wear.
You said it was so people would know we’re a couple.
It was a lovely ring and a lovely sentiment.
But from that night on, nobody has needed to see a ring on my finger to understand how much you care about me.
Not even me. You have been relentless in your pursuit to include me in every discussion about every decision that affects us and Sam and most of the ones that only affect you.
But anything that affects you affects me, you keep reminding me.
And while I may never forgive you for convincing me to allow you to set my uncle up with my best friend—because that is just weird and every kind of wrong—they are, in fact, very cute together.
But not as cute as we are—which is also just weird and every kind of wrong.
You went from being the pretty-boy model on my wall to the pretty-boy comedian on my Twitter feed to the father of my favorite kid to the best lover and boyfriend I’ve ever had to the greatest love of my life.
At first, there was so much I tried to hold back because I was afraid of losing myself to you. But the truth is you somehow allowed me to become more Me for you and Sam. For better or for worse. For richer or for poorer. In sickness and in health. To love and to heckle and to cherish…
I guess I can change your contact name from Asshole Fiancé on my phone to Asshole Husband tonight. Because Asshole Fatherofmyfavoritekidandunbornspawn is too many characters.
I promise to always give you and Sam everything I have and to always take whatever you have to offer and make it funnier and more tolerable.
As always, I did some Google research on how to write a wedding vow, and one website advised against using words like always and never.
Fuck that.
I will love you forever. I will always be your closest companion, your biggest fan, your worst critic, your most enthusiastic audience, your greatest champion, your most passionate lover, and your most reliable friend.
And I never, ever want to write a breakup song about you.
With this ring, I thee wed.
I’m your fucking wife now, Head Shot.
But get over yourself.