Chapter 7
Chapter Seven
KAI
I slammed the door behind me, falling back on it and covering my face with my hands.
Why did I keep putting myself through this?
I pushed the heel of my hands against my eyes until my vision turned white. It didn’t help. I could still picture Silas’s mouth inches away from mine. Feel the heat from his body. Hear his heavy breaths even with my earpiece in.
“Kai? Open up, man.”
“Fuck off,” I growled at Arlo.
The doorknob rattled before Luca called through. “Come on, Kai. Don’t shut yourself away.”
I thudded my head against the door before relenting and letting him in. “You two need to learn to take a hint.”
“No, you need to learn to stop shutting yourself away when you’re hurting.” Luca’s tone was matter-of-fact as they strode in. Arlo flopped onto the sofa while Luca closed the door and stood in front of it. He crossed his arms over his chest, his stance wide. “Why’d you keep doing this to yourself?”
“Fuck if I know.” My words were clipped as I busied myself with a drink. “Sometimes I think I like the pain.”
Because that was what it had become. Silas didn’t know it, but this onstage thing between us had blossomed into something toxic. I’d come to both treasure and hate his touch. It was a taunt of what I so desperately wanted but could never have.
“You need to say something,” Luca continued. “Silas wouldn’t touch you like that if he knew how it made you feel.”
Like I’m drowning and flying. A contradiction of living and dying.
My fingers itched for a pen, but I’d written enough songs about Silas. I had notebooks crammed full of lyrics that would never see the light of day. I didn’t need to add another to my collection.
Luca had worked for months to convince me to show the label “Night’s Darkest Secret.” When I’d relented, a small hidden part of me had hoped Silas would hear it and realise what it was about. Who it was for.
But no. My oldest friend had remained as oblivious as ever. Even when I stood on that stage and sang the lyrics into his ear, desperately praying he’d realise what was going on…he was clueless.
Maybe that was a good thing. Silas was straight. Despite how he behaved with me on stage, he’d never shown any interest in me or any other man.
Women, however…he showed plenty of interest in them. While on tour, he bedded a different girl every night. It had got to the point where I’d quietly requested to be roomed on another floor.
It was one thing to imagine how he might sound when he came. It was something else entirely to hear him do it and know someone else was the reason.
“I can’t,” I replied in answer to Luca’s earlier question. “He’d be so hurt.”
“Not if he knows how it’s making you feel.”
I swallowed my drink in a single gulp. “I’m not telling him.”
Luca opened his mouth to argue back, but Arlo cut him off. “Luca, leave it.”
He raised an eyebrow at our curly-haired drummer. “Don’t say you agree with him.”
Arlo sighed, tapping his fingers on his thighs. “Look, I’m not saying this situation is healthy. But Kai knows what he’s doing…right?”
He looked at me, and I nodded. “Yeah. I know Silas doesn’t actually feel anything romantic for me. I know this is all just an act.”
“But that’s what I don’t understand.” Luca paced in frustration. “If you know all that, why keep doing it?”
“Because it’s better than having nothing at all,” I exploded.
Luca faltered, his hand rubbing over his stubble as he slumped against the wall. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”
Arlo sighed. “He’s going to get hurt regardless, Luca.”
I winced but didn’t deny it. I’d resigned myself to heartbreak a long time ago. Pretty much from the moment I’d confessed my sexuality to Silas. He’d been supportive. Kind. Everything I’d expected.
But you know what didn’t happen? He didn’t let out a breath and tell me he was too. That he was in love with me.
So, yes. Heartbreak was inevitable. It happened every day.
To me. It happened every day to me. Every time I saw him give that easy grin to another. Every time his eyes sparkled and laughter bubbled from his chest. Every time he casually brushed against me, not knowing I yearned for his every touch.
“Silas doesn’t feel the same way. I’d rather have him in my life than not at all.”
Luca’s face softened with pity. “I hate seeing you like this.”
I bowed my head. I knew that. He’d told me many times before, but what could I do? I wouldn’t risk my friendship with Silas. It was literally the most important thing to me. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Arlo got to his feet. Crossing the room, he wrapped his arms around my waist and squeezed.
I put down my glass with a chuckle, embracing him back. He was so much smaller than me that I could’ve probably wrapped my arms around two of him. “What’s this for?”
“Because you’re a fucking idiot.” He sighed. “But I know a lot about fucking idiots.”
He let me go and turned to face Luca. “Look, I know this is hard for you to understand, given the guy you’ve fallen for returns your feelings.”
“You don’t know that,” Luca interrupted, a faint blush on his cheekbones.
“Please,” Arlo scoffed. “Anyway, what I was trying to say is that sometimes it’s better to have the pain than nothing at all.”
Something in my chest clanged. Sometimes it was easy to forget I wasn’t the only one tormenting myself with someone I couldn’t have.
I didn’t know what had transpired between Arlo and Jack, Luca’s guard.
Whatever it was had been painful enough to make Arlo retreat into himself, not allowing anyone other than us close.
Yet whenever the idea of Jack leaving his post arose, Arlo was the one who’d put a stop to it.
Maybe this was why. Because he also needed the pain.
I wrapped my arms around Arlo from behind while Luca embraced him from the front.
“Guys, I’m fine.” Arlo’s voice was muffled against Luca’s chest. “Although life would be a fucktonne easier if there was even the slightest bit of sexual chemistry between us.”
Our laughter echoed in the small space, this being a conversation we’d had many times before. “Nah. We’re just destined to be lonely fuckers for all eternity.”
“Speak for yourselves,” Luca said, waggling his eyebrows as he stepped back. “I’ve got a hot date waiting for me.”
Just like Silas. My stomach twisted. I hadn’t missed the curvaceous blonde who’d caught his eye, nor the not-very-subtle signal he’d sent Rhys’s way.
“Rub it in,” Arlo muttered. “So much for wanting to make sure we’re okay.”
Luca put a hand on his chest in mock offence. “I can be worried about you and still excited about my sex life.”
There was a brief knock on the door before Jack stuck his head in. Like always, his gaze landed on Arlo, checking him over before turning to Luca. “You ready? Kevin’s getting annoyed.”
“Kevin’s a cunt,” Arlo muttered as Jack led us all from the room and towards the meet and greet.
“Agreed,” I said. Kevin was our manager.
We hadn’t had any issues when he’d first started with us.
To be honest, he’d been such a welcome relief after the shit show we’d been dealing with that we hadn’t seen any red flags.
Over the last few years, though, it hadn’t escaped my notice that he’d become more controlling.
He liked to have a say over everything: the songs we put out, tours, images, and even our personal lives.
The final straw for me had come when he’d interfered between Arlo and Jack. For years, Jack had guarded our drummer like he was his most treasured possession.
Then, we’d all been called into a meeting and informed that Jack would guard Luca going forward. That’d been five years ago.
Arlo hadn’t been the same since.
I’d wanted to fire Kevin there and then, but Arlo had refused. My respect for his feelings had stopped me from insisting. Ever since, I’d watched Kevin like a hawk.
I didn’t like what I’d seen.
The line of fans began screaming as we came into view. Silas was already there, deep in conversation with the blonde from the front row.
Not wanting to disappoint my fans, I pasted on a smile and began to pose for selfies. It wasn’t long before the inevitable question was asked.
“Can I get one with you and Silas?”
“Of course.” My best friend sidled up beside me, his dimple flashing. He slung an arm over my shoulder, pulling me in tight to his side.
I sighed internally as the girl positioned us in the frame and clicked away. Touching Silas wasn’t the problem. It was that I couldn’t touch him the way I truly wanted.
The second she moved away, I slipped from Silas’s grip. I stepped to the side only for Silas to follow, pressing himself against me like he was unconsciously mirroring my movements.
That was where he stayed for the rest of the night, quietly cracking jokes between every selfie. It wasn’t long before I forgot that this wouldn’t last. That he’d be leaving me to go take that beautiful woman home.
For a few minutes, he was just mine. We were just us.
“Lot of fans to meet tonight,” he commented as the last one filed out, leaving us to make our way to the exit. My guard, Dylan, trailed us at a healthy distance.
“Mmm,” I said, trying to ignore how his hand brushed against mine as we walked. “More every night, it seems.”
Silas pursed his lips. “Noticed they’ve put the charge up for it too.”
I frowned sideways at him. “Since when?”
“At least the start of the tour. Costs three hundred pounds now.”
My eyebrows raised. “Holy shit. Who gave the okay for that?”
Silas gave me a pointed look. “Who do you think?”
Fucking Kevin. The one thing we’d fought for was to keep us accessible as a band. With all four of us coming from the backgrounds we had, we wanted our music and tours to be obtainable. Three hundred quid for a meet and greet would alienate the majority of our audience.
We stepped out into the balmy night air.
We’d seen many cities on our tours, but Paris was definitely my favourite.
The last time we’d come here, Silas and I had hired bicycles and ridden around the city streets.
Laughter wasn’t something I gave into often, but that day, I’d let it rumble from me until my sides hurt.
“You want to go grab some food?” We’d had dinner before the show, but after the performance we’d put on, I knew we could both eat.
“Can’t do.” He winked at me. “Got a hot date waiting for me.”
I rolled my eyes, trying to combat the sinking feeling in my stomach. “Date? More like a fuck-and-run.”
“Hey,” Silas said in mock outrage. “I’m offended.”
I shoved him in the shoulder. “No, you’re not. You wouldn’t know a date if it punched you on the nose and called you Judy.”
“You’re one to talk. When was the last time you went on a date?”
Well…he had me there. It was hard to date when my heart already belonged to someone else. “You’re right, it’s been a while. Maybe I’ll set one up.”
Silas tripped over nothing, his eyes widening briefly before his face cleared. “Really…you, uh, think you might want to meet someone?”
Hope flared at his reaction, but I quickly pinched it out. He was always like this when I talked about seeing someone. But it wasn’t because he wanted me in that way. It was because he didn’t want anyone replacing him in my life as my best friend.
We were codependent in the unhealthiest of ways.
Perhaps it was time to change that. “Yeah. I mean, I’m thirty-five. It’s time I started thinking about settling down.”
Silas frowned, opening his mouth to say something. Before he could, there was a high-pitched giggle as the woman from earlier appeared. She catapulted herself towards Silas, practically climbing him like a tree.
I turned away, nodding at Dylan to indicate I was ready to go.
Silas didn’t call after me. His tongue no doubt too busy down the pretty girl’s throat.
That was fine. It was how it always went.
I got into the car, staring unseeing at the city sights that sped by.
I meant what I’d said earlier. I was thirty-five now…and I’d been in love with Silas for over twenty of those years.
Did I really want to spend the next thirty-five mooning over him?
I pulled out my phone, flicking through various jobs my agent had sent me. With the tour ending, we had a solid few months of downtime in our schedule. Normally, I wouldn’t even bother looking at these offers, knowing I’d spend those months chilling with Silas.
But if I wanted to move on with my life, I needed to actually do something.
Starting with putting some distance between us.