Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
KAI
Logically, I knew I had no right to be upset with Silas.
But logic had left the conversation a long time ago where he was concerned.
Whenever he called me in the middle of the night, I went running. He needed me, and I’d be there without question. Realistically, I’d do the same for any of my bandmates.
Would I cuddle Luca or Arlo back to sleep? Hold them close to keep the nightmares at bay? Possibly not.
But it was Silas, and he was hurting. How could I not?
The reminder that I’d slipped between sheets still warm from his latest conquest was something I could’ve lived without. Sure, it was a bit gross, but that wasn’t why the knowledge had socked me in the gut.
I won’t lie that when Silas mentioned cuddling, I couldn’t help myself. It wasn’t that I genuinely believed snuggling with another man made you any less straight, more that I was desperate for any indication that Silas felt the same.
But he didn’t. The words he’d flung my way shortly after proved that.
I let myself back into my empty room and leaned back against the closed door. The heartbreak choking me bubbled free.
And it hit me then how many times I’d done this. Rushed to an empty room before letting my feelings free. Cried over a man who’d never be mine. One who was unwittingly breaking my heart over and over again.
I buried my face in my hands, the sound rasping from my lips amplified. How many more times could I do this to myself?
Because this was on me. It wasn’t on Silas. My feelings were my own responsibility. Silas couldn’t help his platonic feelings any more than I could help loving him.
With a shaky breath, I wiped my wet cheeks and stiffened my resolve.
I couldn’t keep doing this.
It wasn’t fair to me. It wasn’t fair to Silas.
Once this tour was over, I was moving on.
It would kill me, but not as much as this. Maybe if I loved another, I’d be able to feel like myself again.
Rather than the broken man who currently occupied my skin.
For the next ten days, my issues faded into the background as Ollie and Luca’s relationship was dragged into the spotlight.
One minute, they were loved up and happy, and the next, Ollie was on a plane headed back to England and Luca was distraught. Even on stage, the place he loved the most, he struggled to hold it together.
For the first time ever, Silas and I turned our attention to Luca. Between us, we managed to distract the audience from Luca’s impending meltdown, pretending to flirt with him while giving him the time to pull himself back together.
Originally, we’d all believed Ollie had left following an argument, having told Kevin he’d been using Luca all along. Despite my reservations about how Ollie truly felt, something about the story didn’t quite ring true. Nothing about Ollie suggested he was one to run from a difficult situation.
But when the truth of the situation was exposed, it was so much worse than any of us could’ve imagined.
Not only had our manager effectively orchestrated their whole breakup, but he’d also been defrauding us for years. Ollie’s final article exposed how he and our accountant had been colluding to funnel chunks of our profits into their own accounts.
Needless to say, Kevin had been summarily fired. Only the thought of lawsuits stopped us from taking a swing at him.
Now we were back in London, ready to perform our final show. This week hadn’t even been on the original itinerary, but Kevin had added it at the last minute, eager to milk us for all we were worth.
Luca had shot down to Southampton the second we’d landed in London, determined to win back his reporter. Judging by the massive grins on their faces when they joined us backstage at Wembley, their reunion had been very successful.
With everything else going on, I hadn’t thought about the phone call I’d made to my agent a couple of weeks ago.
I knew it was for the best. I needed the distance from Silas. Needed the space to let my heart heal.
Luca grabbed a mic and began to hype up the crowd. With Ollie back in the audience, all his previous charisma and bravado had returned to centre stage.
My gaze drifted to my best friend. Tonight, he’d paired a tight black T-shirt with the scruffy denim jeans he liked to live in. He drove our stylists crazy, but Silas valued comfort above everything else.
Like he could feel my gaze, he turned his attention to me. When his eyes connected with mine, his whole face lit up like the fucking sun. His small smile blossomed into a full grin as he shot me a playful wink.
Even as my mouth twisted to return his joy, it was like an arrow to my heart. How could I not love him? Put any sane person in his company, let his joy leech over their life, and tell them not to fall.
Because they wouldn’t be able to. Being in Silas’s sunlight was the most dangerous trap of all.
He sauntered over to me, and I couldn’t breathe. Knowing what he wanted, I turned so my back was to him.
We leaned against each other, playing our instruments and singing the backing vocals into the same mic.
For the first time ever, my mind wasn’t on my performance. I had no idea if I hit the right notes. Sung the right words.
All I could think about was that I’d be walking away from Silas once this show was done.
We hadn’t been apart for longer than a night since we’d met.
Could I do it?
I needed to…but could I?
Oblivious to my internal struggle, Silas moved away. Only when he came up behind me did I realise the song had changed.
Luca dropped to his knees, my heart falling to the floor at the same time.
“Tease,” a.k.a. my own personal version of Hell.
Silas’s hands came around my chest, his lips pressing against my neck. I stiffened. Did he realise his lips were touching me, or had he just got caught up in the moment?
My hands moved on autopilot. Silas kept ghosting barely there kisses up my neck until he reached my ear. Then, with a single finger, he pulled out my earpiece.
The roar of the crowd hit me like a blast. Apparently, they were enjoying the attention Silas was lavishing on me as much as my cock was.
“What’s wrong?” he shouted into my ear.
I shook my head, keeping my smile on my face and my fingers moving.
“Don’t lie to me,” he insisted, his arm going around my chest to hold me firmly against him. To the audience, it probably looked like he was whispering sweet nothings in my ear. “You don’t lie to me, Kai. What’s wrong?”
My stomach twisted. I lied to him. I lied to him every fucking day. Every time I looked into his eyes and called him my friend. Every time I held him at night and wished for more. Every time I fucked someone and imagined it was him beneath me instead.
And now, I’d lie once again. Pulling out of his grip, I shot him an exaggerated wink and put my earpiece back in.
He gave me an exasperated look. One he’d given me many times before.
Striding away during Arlo’s drum solo, I clapped my hands above my head, getting the crowd to join.
I could feel Si watching me. Feel his confusion.
This is why you’re leaving, I told myself. It was what was best.
For both of us.
When I turned my back to the audience, Silas wasn’t the only one watching me. Arlo was tracking me, his mouth set in a grim line.
I up-nodded him. Of all of them, he knew what I was feeling.
I kept my distance from Silas for the next song. My skin buzzed like my body knew I was about to rip us away from him. Begging me not to. Begging me to use this one chance we had to touch him and not feel guilt or shame.
I held out all through “Deep Down,” but when we segued into “Night’s Darkest Secret,” my resolve began to crack.
Luca took my guitar, shooting me a concerned look that matched Arlo’s expression. Fuck. I needed to get myself under control before the audience noticed.
Normally, this was the one song where I invaded Silas’s space. Where I’d be the one to touch and tease.
Tonight, I’d planned on keeping my distance. But as I rasped out the opening line, it became clear my best friend had other ideas.
He appeared before me, his lip pushed out in an exaggerated pout. Even with both my earpieces in, I could hear the roar of the crowd intensify.
Silas raised a brow, and the fracture in my resolve turned into a cavern, leaving it in pieces on the floor.
Without thinking, I spun Silas around, hooking my head over his shoulder, holding him tight with my free arm. He melted into my embrace, leaning his weight onto me and letting me support him.
Why can’t you see,
I’m right here, yet you miss me every time
You’re supposed to be with me
Yet you miss me every time
I held nothing back. I let the emotion pour out of me and into the microphone.
I held Silas against me and told myself this would be the last time.
This distance I was putting between us would change us forever.
Never again would we do this on stage. Never again would I touch Silas this freely, knowing it’d never be the same.
This was the last time. So I let myself hold him.
Like he could sense the raw emotion I was unleashing, Silas twisted his head to the side. Our gazes collided, and there was a question there that I hadn’t seen before.
So that’s what it’ll always be
Night’s darkest secret
Wishing you were with me
Our mouths were only inches apart now. Luca. Arlo. The whole fucking stadium. They all faded into nothing. Nothing existed for me except Silas.
Nothing ever had.
His gaze dropped to my lips, and I could’ve sworn his eyes darkened.
Before I knew what was happening, Silas surged forwards.
He erased those few inches and obliterated my heart in a single action.
His lips met mine. Soft. Warm.
In the distance, I felt my hand open around the mic, letting it fall to the stage. I wasn’t sure which of us moved first. Only that we were now facing each other. Hands in each other’s hair. Bodies pressed together around Silas’s bass.
My tongue swiped at Silas’s lips and they opened readily. Our tongues met in a fierce duel, and I almost cried at the taste.
Silas was kissing me back.
And it felt so right.