Chapter 16 Kai
Chapter Sixteen
KAI
I was already awake by the time Tristan surfaced the following morning. Truth be told, I hadn’t slept much.
I couldn’t stop picturing Silas’s face before he turned away from me and fled.
He’d looked…devastated.
“Morning.” I greeted Tristan as he slid onto a stool with a massive yawn. Poor guy didn’t look like he’d slept any better than me. What was keeping him up at night though? “Tea?”
He gave a visible shudder. “Ew, no. I need real caffeine.”
“Tea has more caffeine in it than coffee.”
He peered up at me over the bags under his eyes. “That’s scientifically untrue.”
I was already at the coffee machine and making him an espresso. I’d spent enough time with him during filming to know how he took it. “Then explain why us Brits are always so polite. It’s the tea. It keeps us awake.”
He took a sip of his coffee as he gave me a bemused look. “Y’all are polite but not smiley. I can never tell if a Brit is being kind or sarcastic. It’s a little scary.”
I took the stool opposite him. “Always best to err on the side of sarcastic.”
“Noted.”
We slipped into a companionable silence as we sipped our drinks.
My mind drifted back to the night before and how Tristan had pulled me aside.
I didn’t know what had been said between him and Silas, but it was enough to make my new friend worried about me.
Worried enough to remind me of what we were trying to do here.
“Thank you for staying.” I’d been afraid Silas might not take my request seriously and show up anyway. I hadn’t wanted to be caught out in a lie.
For the first time, I’d set a firm boundary between us. A healthy one. An appropriate one.
And it had almost fucking killed me.
Tristan waved off my thanks, studying me with a solemn expression. “How are you feeling this morning after…you know?”
I braced my hands on the counter. “Not great. You’re right. What we’ve got going on will lead to more pain for me in the long run. But fuck…it hurts. I’m so used to him just being there. You know?”
Tristan pursed his lips. “Okay, I wasn’t going to meddle, but I have to ask. Are you sure Silas doesn’t have feelings for you?”
His question poked at the hole I was so careful to keep covered. The one where I shoved all the hope that only ever got me burned. “No. He’s straight. Trust me, if he felt anything other than platonic, I’d know about it by now. He tells me everything.”
He raised a manicured brow. “The same way you tell him everything?”
“That’s different. Si…he can’t hide his feelings. He wears his heart on his sleeve. He always has.”
“I’m just saying, I’ve never seen two ‘friends’ behave the way you two do.
I know you told me y’all have this unhealthy codependent schtick going on…
but wow. It’s so much worse than I anticipated.
In all honesty, I’m not surprised you fell in love with him.
You haven’t had the opportunity to learn who you are without Silas. ”
“That’s what this break was supposed to be about.” The fatigue from the night before seemed to be catching up with me. “Finding out who I am and what my life would be like without him.”
“And how is it?”
“Fucking shit,” I said baldly. “Lonely and depressing. Like someone removed one of my lungs and then asked me to run a marathon.”
Tristan sighed. “Look, I know we haven’t known each other long, but I care about you. If you think Silas doesn’t have feelings for you, maybe we should keep up this ruse. But…what if he does, Kai? What if you’re pushing away the one thing you wanted?”
“I’m not,” I said, shaking my head quickly. “Silas doesn’t see me like that.”
“Then why did he ask you to dance? Why does he behave like a jealous lover whenever I’m in the vicinity?”
I’d been asking myself the same questions.
It was dangerous thoughts like those that had kept me up half the night.
“I think he is jealous...but not for the reason you’re hinting at.
Now that you’re here, our friendship has changed.
He feels threatened by you.” I heaved a sigh.
“Just the fact he threw our onstage behaviour in your face proves that. It’s just an act to Si.
It always has been. To him, it’s another way we demonstrate how close we are. As friends.”
Touch was Silas’s love language. Even as a teen, he’d thought nothing of grabbing me for a hug or leaning his head on my shoulder. We’d once been short of chairs at a band meeting, and he’d just sat on my lap. Like that was normal.
To him, it was. It wasn’t his fault I’d never been honest with him. I’d never explained that each touch was a dagger to my soul. A reminder of what I’d never have.
This was all on me.
Tristan pursed his lips. “I can see that, I suppose. Perhaps he thinks that if he can make you behave like you always did, things will go back to normal.”
“Exactly.” I was relieved Tristan got it.
“Do you want it to go back to normal?”
I blew out a long breath, considering my answer. It was probably the most selfish decision I’d ever made, but I knew it was the right one.
Even if I fucking hated it.
“No. I don’t. I can’t. I want Silas in my life, but I can’t keep letting him break my heart.”
“You could be honest with him. That seems like the easiest way to fix this.”
“No. That’s the easiest way to destroy us completely.
” I shook my head before grabbing our cups and walking them over to the sink.
“You don’t know Silas like I do. He’d feel so guilty about everything that he’d act weird around me.
Or, even worse, he might try and force himself to have feelings for me just to make me feel better. ”
“He wouldn’t.”
I turned to face Tristan with a grim smile. “He might. That’s the thing that scares me the most. If he ever finds out how I feel and tells me he feels the same, how would I know if it’s the truth?”
“You’re saying he’d lie to you?”
“No,” I said slowly. “I don’t mean like that. I think he’d believe he returned my feelings. That’s the kind of guy he is. There’s very little either of us wouldn’t do to make the other happy. But it’d only lead to heartbreak for both of us. I can’t risk that. I can’t hurt or lose Silas completely.”
Tristan grimaced. “Okay, I don’t know him very well, but I think you’re doing Silas a massive disservice. If someone tried to assume I didn’t understand my own feelings, I’d probably throat-punch them.”
“It’s a good thing we’re only fake boyfriends then.” I put my hand over his and squeezed. “Trust me, where Silas is concerned, I know what I’m doing. Are you okay to continue this charade for a little longer?”
“For sure,” Tristan said. “Like I told you before, this is helping me more than you realise.”
“And you’re still not going to tell me anything more about that?”
“Nope. But give me your face for a cute selfie, and I’ll consider your debt paid.”
I forced away my concerns about what Tristan was hiding as I smiled for the camera. Tristan pushed his face against mine, grinning for all he was worth.
He lowered the phone and the happiness was gone like he’d flipped a switch. “There. That should do it.”
I patted his shoulder roughly. “I’m here if you want to talk.”
“I know.” He gave me a tight smile. “But I don’t think I’m the one you need to be talking to this morning.”
“You’re right.” With how Silas had left the club last night, I knew I needed to check in on him. I wouldn’t feel easy until I knew he was okay. Yes to boundaries, but a hard no to making Silas sad. I would still be his friend.
But in a healthy way.
With boundaries.
Fuck, I was so screwed.
My key was in the lock to Silas’s house before I realised. There was me, setting boundaries.
And immediately stepping over them.
Repocketing the key, I took a deep breath, and for the first time ever, I rang the bell.
“Kai?” Silas’s voice was confused as it came through the ring camera. We all had various security setups in our homes. You never knew when a fan might get too keen. “Have you forgotten your keys?”
I scratched the back of my neck, suddenly feeling awkward. Perhaps this was a mistake. “Ah—no. Just figured I’d ring the bell.”
There was a long silence. For a moment, I thought Silas wasn’t on the other end of the line.
But he spoke again, the crackle of the speaker doing nothing to hide the challenge in his tone. “What, afraid your boyfriend won’t like it if he knows you’ve used a key rather than me letting you in? The end result is the same, you know.”
His words sank like stones in my stomach. It was just like I’d told Tristan—Silas was jealous he was being replaced. “Just…let me in, Si. Or would you rather I left?”
The door swung open so suddenly that I jumped back a step. “Jesus! Were you there the whole time?”
Silas lifted his chin, folding his arms over his chest. “Had to make sure you weren’t a weirdo. You can’t trust anyone these days.”
The blow hit solidly in the centre of my chest. Si didn’t give me a chance to respond, just twisted on his heel and stalked towards his kitchen.
When I joined him, he was slamming mugs in front of the boiling kettle. I stayed silent as he made us both a cuppa, not knowing what to say.
You might think him making me tea without asking was a good sign, but it literally meant nothing.
Even if your mortal enemy turned up on your doorstep, you’d still be expected to offer them the beverage.
Okay, you might make a piss-poor version where the tea bag barely meets the milk, but you’d still make it.
Silas silently passed me my cup. I couldn’t help but notice it was in my mug, a cracked white one we had picked up in Tenby. It had Much Ado about Puffins emblazoned over it. The pun had drawn a rare cackle from me, prompting Silas to buy it to keep for me at his house.
I pushed our past out of my mind as I carried it over to the table and slipped into my usual seat.
But Silas didn’t follow.
Instead, he perched on the kitchen counter, his expression unreadable. “No Tristan this morning?”