Chapter 16 Kai #2
“No, he decided to grab some more sleep.”
I didn’t know why, but my words had Silas flinching. “Lucky Tristan.”
“If I’m keeping you up, I can go.” I was already pushing back my chair. “You can go back to bed if you like.”
Silas’s cheeks were flushed as he waved for me to sit back down. “No, that’s not what I—never mind. Why are you here?”
“Do I need a reason?”
Silas hummed as he sipped his tea before putting it behind him. “I never used to think so, but after last night, apparently we do.”
I winced. “Listen, about last night…I didn’t mean for you to leave like that.”
“What, you wanted me to stay and play the third wheel when you’d both made it clear I wasn’t welcome?”
“We didn’t say you weren’t welcome.”
“Right…” He drew the word out in the most sarcastic fashion possible. “That’s why you asked me to leave. And why you said no to dancing with me.”
“I was with my boyfriend,” I said, my frustration making my temper rise. “I’m not going to dance with you in front of him.”
“No, you just do it in front of thousands of fans.”
I didn’t mean to say the words, but they slipped out. “Because you make me.”
Silas reeled back like I’d hit him. “What?”
“Nothing.” I scraped my chair back in alarm, crossing over so I could stand between his legs. “I didn’t mean…”
“Yes, you did,” he whispered. “You didn’t want to do those things on stage with me, did you?”
The words of denial curled on my tongue and withered to ash. No, I’d never wanted Silas touching me there. In private, where it meant something…yes.
But never under the scrutiny of thousands, knowing it didn’t mean a thing.
Silas covered his mouth in horror. “Christ, Kai. Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
I was frozen. His legs brushed mine on either side, but I couldn’t move away. “I…I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“So instead, you let me hurt you.”
“That’s not what I said.”
“It’s what you meant though, isn’t it?” A sheen covered his eyes. Fuck, this was everything I’d been afraid of. “Tell me the truth. Did I hurt you?”
I closed my eyes as the word broke free in a whisper. “Yes.”
“How?”
My eyes flew open. “What?”
“Tell me how I hurt you. Did I embarrass you? Was it because I was flaunting your sexuality?”
Because I’m in love with you, and you’ll never want me like that.
“No, of course not.”
“Then what is it?” Silas pulled at his hair. “Fuck, Kai. Why won’t you just talk to me?”
I opened my mouth, but no words would come out. This was it. My time to be honest.
But I couldn’t do it.
Silas’s lips curled in a sneer and my heart cracked further. He’d never looked like that before. “So that’s how it’s gonna be? We’re just going to keep lying to each other?”
He shoved my chest to make me step back, but I stood my ground.
“Move,” he hissed.
“No.”
He slid from the counter, crowding me with his body like he thought that would make me move back.
Which would make sense, given what I’d just told him. But he didn’t know my issue wasn’t with him touching me.
My hands wrapped around his wrists. “I’m not lying to you, Si.”
“You’re not being honest though, are you?” His nostrils flared as he glowered up at me. “Why did you leave?”
“I can’t tell you.” Not without admitting to everything.
“Why did you nearly kiss me in the escape room?”
I stepped back at that. “I didn’t…”
He followed me like he was taunting me. “Oh yes, you did. Why’d you tell me not to come over this morning?”
“Because Tristan would be there.” That reminded me of my get-out-of-jail-free card. “I have a boyfriend, Si. I can’t be discussing these things with you.”
“Why not? What things aren’t we discussing?”
Silas was on one now, his eyes blazing as he moved closer. I’d seen this side of him unleashed on others before but never on me.
I didn’t know whether I was scared or aroused.
Then he whispered the one question I couldn’t ignore. “Why are you pushing me away?”
“Si…” My throat was so dry my voice cracked. “I’m not. I’m just…moving on.”
He stepped back, widening the space between us. “Moving on…without me.”
“We’re best friends,” I said desperately. “I don’t want to lose that. But we should start behaving like normal best friends do. You gotta admit, Si, no one else is as close as us.”
He turned his head to the side, but not before I caught a glimpse of a tear tracking down his cheek. “And that’s a bad thing? Being as close as we were?”
“Yes,” I whispered. I lifted my hand to wipe away his tear but stopped before touching him. “It is if we aren’t letting ourselves be happy with other people.”
Si looked at me, not hiding the tears now falling freely. “What if we can be happy together?”
I was sure my body kept moving. My heart must’ve been pumping blood around to my organs. Neurons were surely firing in my brain. My chest was rising and falling as my lungs expanded.
But for a split second, it was as though everything had frozen.
“Together?”
Silas took a shaky breath before straightening his spine. “Together. You and me. Like a couple.”
I was frozen.
“Tell me you don’t want me like that,” he said, his voice shaking. “Tell me you don’t have feelings for me. Tell me you only want me platonically. If you tell me that, I’ll back off. I’ll never say a word about it again.”
I couldn’t tell him that. I couldn’t. My vision blurred with tears. “What are you saying?”
He stepped closer, his hand landing on my hip. “I’m saying I have feelings for you, Kai. I know you’re with Tristan… Hell, I’m not even sure if you do see me that way. But I want to say you’ve got a chance with me. If you want it.”
It was like my greatest dream and worst nightmare coming true all at once. My words to Tristan just that morning echoed in my mind.
I think he’d believe he returned my feelings. That’s the kind of guy he is.
“I can’t do this,” I said shakily, stepping out of his grip. “You don’t mean that. You don’t have feelings for me.”
Silas’s eyes narrowed to slits. “You telling me how I feel right now?”
Tristan might’ve been right about the throat punching. But Silas didn’t understand. He was just afraid of being replaced.
“When did you start having these feelings? When I returned with Tristan?”
Silas’s forehead furrowed as he thought about it.
I barrelled on, desperate for him to see things my way before the cage around my heart broke open because it had got the wrong idea.
“Think about it, Si. We’ve been close for decades, and you’re only just realising you have these feelings?
When I finally have a serious boyfriend? ”
A muscle jumped in his jaw as he stared at me.
“You’re afraid of being replaced,” I said softly, hating that I couldn’t take him at his word. “Tristan is in my life now, and our friendship is changing.”
“Our friendship is changing all right, but Tristan isn’t the one doing it,” Silas said bitterly. “That’s all on you.”
He was right. This was on me. “You don’t have feelings for me, Si. You’re just confused.”
“But you have feelings for me, right? Or am I confused about that too?”
I bowed my head, my lips firmly closed.
Silas gave a disbelieving laugh and poked his finger into my chest. “You know what? Fuck you, Kai.”
My head snapped up as I gaped at him.
“You don’t get to tell me how I feel.” He blazed on, spitting his words like bullets. “You don’t get to dismiss my valid feelings as confusion. If you don’t want to be with me, you just have to say it. Don’t hide behind excuses.”
Was that what I was doing? “I just…I don’t want to lose you as a friend, Si.”
His gaze shuttered as he took several steps back. “You’ve got a funny way of showing it.”
He turned, his whole body trembling as he stalked for the door. I made to follow him, but he held his hand up, stopping me in my tracks.
“No. Not right now. Go away and think about what I’ve said. Don’t call me until you’ve pulled your head out of your arse.”
I swallowed around the thick lump in my throat. “And if I can’t?”
He dropped his head so I couldn’t see his profile. “Then I guess we won’t be talking for a while.”