Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
KAI
Never before had an evening with my family dragged on as long as this one.
It wasn’t like I’d planned on missing tonight. It was Dad’s sixtieth, after all. But ever since I’d left Silas’s house, I’d been like a ghost. I’d barely eaten, slept, or showered. Time had ceased to exist, the memory of Silas’s face as he’d told me to stay away haunting me.
I couldn’t function. All I could do was write.
I’d filled two whole notebooks with new lyrics.
Full of anguish, pain, longing, and regret.
Waste of time as they’d never see the light of day.
I could safely say that “Night’s Darkest Secret” was no longer my most angsty song.
I wasn’t sure it would even register on the scale compared to what had poured out of me over the last few days.
I’d turned my phone off completely, knowing I’d break and phone Silas. Beg him to just put this behind us and move on as friends.
But he didn’t want to hear from me. That much he’d made clear.
Which led to the question…did Silas really have feelings for me? It seemed inconceivable, like I’d somehow manifested it through decades of pining, almost beyond hope.
As the days dragged on, a horrifying realisation settled in my gut. If Silas truly did want to be with me…I might’ve made a terrible mistake.
I’d rejected him. Pure and simple. Every choice I’d ever made had been with the goal of making Silas happy.
Except for the ones over the past few months. Amazing how fast I’d been able to destroy the foundation we’d built.
Slowly, I’d realised that it didn’t matter what I thought. If Silas wanted to give us a shot, if he wanted me…what the fuck was I doing? Was I really stupid enough to push him away?
Fine, I might end up brokenhearted at the end…but really, could it be worse than how I currently felt?
So, all in all, it wasn’t surprising that I’d forgotten Dad’s birthday bash.
Ruby and Silas had organised it months ago, just another reminder of how deeply our roots were entrenched.
Louis had been tasked with pulling me out of my hole.
He hadn’t said much as he shoved me into the bathroom with a change of clothes, but his eyes had been worried.
We’d been halfway to my parents’ house before Louis asked the question I’d been dreading. “Where’s Silas?”
I’d tapped my fingers on the door of the car. “Don’t know. We…we had an argument.”
Louis’s expression had been comical. “What? You guys don’t fight. What happened?”
I’d shrugged, not wanting to get into it. Louis would’ve probably hauled me over the coals if he heard how I’d flung Si’s confession back in his face. Rightly so, but I’d done enough self-flagellating to want any from him.
“Will he be there tonight?”
Hope had bubbled through my veins. “I…I don’t know. I’m not sure.”
Louis had stared out the windscreen, his lips pursed. “He won’t miss it. It’s Dad.”
Fuck, I’d prayed he was right. Having to explain to my parents why Silas wasn’t there was a conversation I’d rather avoid.
Hey, Silas finally made all my dreams come true. Instead of kissing him, I threw it back in his face. If I can’t fix this, we might not see him for a while.
Giving Dad a heart attack was not what I had in mind for his birthday.
We’d pulled up to the house, and what I saw there had me suddenly praying Silas didn’t put in an appearance.
“You invited your boyfriend?” Louis had scowled through the windshield at Tristan leaning against the wall.
“It’s complicated,” I’d muttered, getting out of the car and heading over to greet him. I’d forgotten I’d invited him. It’d been before that fateful night in the club, when I’d still wanted him as a barrier between Si and me.
But now the cage around my heart had been unlocked, and Tristan being here was no longer what I needed.
I could hardly tell him to go, not without explaining everything that had happened. But before I could do that, the front door had opened, my family spilling out to greet my supposed boyfriend.
That was how I’d found myself sat at the same kitchen table from my youth, my fake boyfriend beside me. The house might’ve changed, but this piece of furniture had followed them.
My parents’ home was my first big purchase when the money began pouring in. But I hadn’t bought it alone.
No, Silas had insisted on contributing half. Whether that was because he wanted to repay them for all their kindness over the years or because he saw them as his own parents…I wasn’t sure. But he’d wanted to do it. Said it would make him happy.
Of course I’d let him.
This seven-bedroom detached house was a long way from the one we’d grown up in on the estate.
With all my siblings moved out, my parents didn’t need this much space.
But Si and I wanted them to have it. One of the most important things to all of us was family.
We wanted them to have somewhere we could all stay whenever they wanted us to.
But now, I was sat here with someone else. Every time I glimpsed Tristan from the corner of my eye, I flinched in surprise.
I was so used to Si being there. Si being the one at my side.
What if he never was again?
The second Silas walked in on Ruby’s arm, I’d felt complete again. The raging ocean of uncertainty and despair roaring through me had calmed at the sight of him.
And fuck, had he looked good. He’d worn that shirt again, the one I’d bought him for Christmas. The jeans he’d paired with them had me shifting under the table, trying desperately to control myself.
I’d been about to go up to him. To pull him into my grip and hold him until he understood I never wanted to let him go.
But then his eyes had slid to Tristan. I had watched as they widened in shock. As his lips thinned.
As his heart cracked.
And I’d hated myself all over again.
Any doubt I’d been harbouring over whether Silas truly had feelings for me evaporated. I’d never seen that look on his face. Like I’d cut open his chest and revealed his bleeding heart to everyone.
I was such a dick.
The rest of the night had been a slow torture. Silas had sat between Ruby and my mum, keeping both entertained with stories from our last tour. I noticed he didn’t mention our onstage kiss, and neither did they.
Dad, Louis, Mia, and Duncan had gone out of their way to make Tristan feel welcome, asking him questions about films he’d been in and actors he’d met.
Me? I’d spent the entire meal watching Silas interact with Mum and Ruby. A bittersweet reminder of how much I loved him being here. Where he should be.
I was what was wrong with this picture. I never should’ve thrown his words back in his face. I should’ve sent Tristan away tonight.
Fuck. My mistakes started decades ago, right around the time I decided not to be honest with Silas about how I felt.
Who knew how much time we’d lost?
Silas had tried to dip out after the restaurant, citing an early morning as an excuse. Ruby and Mum had had none of it, though, practically frog-marching him back to one of the cars.
As was our birthday tradition, the meal was followed by several rounds of Monopoly at my parents’ kitchen table. I watched Silas like a hawk, waiting for him to go to the toilet or stretch his legs…anything where I could catch him alone.
But he never moved from his spot between Ruby and Mia, directly opposite me. He focused on the game in front of him, laughing in all the right places, teasing my family as he usually would.
Did they see how he was only going through the motions? Did they recognise that Silas wasn’t himself? That he couldn’t bring himself to look at or talk to me?
“You okay?” Tristan whispered, nudging me with an elbow.
My head swivelled to look at him, another whack of guilt hitting me as I realised how much I’d ignored him all night. “Yeah…I’m sorry. I’m terrible.”
“You’re not,” he said softly, keeping his voice low so no one else could hear. He rested his hand on my arm and squeezed. “It’s complicated. I can see that now.”
I gave him a grateful smile for his understanding. But when I returned to the game, I saw Silas had finally looked up at me.
Just in time to see me smiling at Tristan.
“Right, I think I’m off to bed,” he announced, getting to his feet and brushing down his jeans. “Sorry guys, touring takes it out of me.”
“You’ve been back for four months,” Mia protested, missing the obvious tension in the room.
He ruffled her hair, giving her a small smile. “I’m old now. Gotta get that beauty sleep in.”
I scrambled to my feet. “Si, wait.”
He didn’t stop, marching for the door and heading towards the stairs. “Too tired, let’s talk tomorrow.”
I flinched, hating that he was walking away from me. But could I really blame him, given how often I’d done the same to him recently?
I walked to the bottom of the stairs, hovering there for a moment. Should I go after him when he’d made it clear he didn’t want to talk right now?
Before I could decide, a hand landed on my shoulder, making me jump. “Help me with something in the garage, Kai?”
I nodded numbly at my dad’s request, following him silently through the door that led into the garage.
It wasn’t used to hold cars. Instead, it was an overspill space for my parents’ hobbies.
Now they were both retired, they had taken up various projects.
On one side was my dad’s Warhammer collection while on the other was a variety of storage bins filled with Mum’s yarn.
“What did you need help with?”
“Well, you can start with what’s going on with you and Silas.”
I leaned against the worktop and sighed. “I didn’t realise you’d noticed.”
He grunted, mirroring my pose against the opposite counter. “You can’t pull the wool over my eyes. Tell me what you’ve done wrong.”
“Why do you assume it’s me that’s the problem?”
He fixed me with a look so knowing I felt my cheeks heat. “Because Silas barely looked at you all night. He might’ve put on a good show for everyone else, but you and I know he wasn’t himself tonight.”
It was my turn to grunt.