Chapter 18 #2
“You’ve been gone for Silas ever since that summer you both turned fifteen. Why haven’t you sorted stuff out yet?”
I sucked in a breath. “You knew? All this time?”
“Of course we did.” His gaze softened. “We might’ve had a lot going on back then, son. But your mother and I would’ve had to have been blind to have missed how you felt about him.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
He shrugged. “Figured you’d work it out between you. Especially once you started all those big displays on stage.”
I groaned. “Please, let’s pretend you never saw any of those.”
“Trust me, I wish I hadn’t. To be honest…we thought the two of you were together and just waiting to tell us. But…you never did.”
I shook my head. “No. It wasn’t like that. Well, it wasn’t like that for Si.”
“But it is now?”
“What makes you say that?”
“I saw the kiss,” he rumbled. “Think the whole world did. There’s no way that was platonic on either side.”
“Well, I thought it was.”
“Then you’re a fool.” That was Dad, always cutting to the heart of the matter. “Is that why you’ve got that actor with you?”
“It’s a long story.” And one I was not sharing with Dad. If he thought I was a fool for not realising how Si felt months ago, he’d tear a strip off me if he knew how I’d reacted. “I’m going to fix it.”
“You will,” he said confidently, striding to the door. “Because you’re both part of this family. So, one way or another, you need to get it sorted.”
I lingered in the garage for a little while longer, trying to process everything. It was like a clock had been counting down all my life, and now we were approaching zero hour. Suddenly, I was running out of time.
It might’ve taken us forever to get here, but I’d be damned if I was the one who’d fuck us up again.
Determined, I stalked to Silas’s bedroom and knocked on the door. Usually, I’d just barge in, but as much as I was ready to have this conversation, I couldn’t expect Silas to be. Not with my family on the floor below.
Along with Tristan. God, I wished I’d sent him home earlier.
Silas’s expression was wary as he opened the door. My heart sank at the way he pulled it tight to his body, leaning against the jamb.
His message was clear. I wasn’t welcome in his room.
“What are you doing here?”
I swallowed hard, hating the way he was looking at me. The way I’d made him look at me. “Can we talk?”
He wavered, biting his lip as his hand twitched on the door.
Then footsteps echoed along the hall. “Kai? Which room should I…?”
Silas’s face hardened in an instant. “Wait, I can explain…”
It was no use. I stared at the door he’d slammed in my face and inhaled deeply.
“Fuck. I’m sorry, Kai. I didn’t realise you were talking to him.”
I forced myself to step away from Silas’s door. “Not your fault. This is all on me.”
Gesturing for Tristan to follow me, I led him into the next bedroom.
“I’m sorry,” Tristan whispered when I shut us in the room.
My head snapped to him as he sank down on the end of the bed. “Sorry? What on earth have you got to be sorry for? If anything, I should apologise for dragging you here tonight and then barely saying a word.”
He shook his head sadly. “No. I’m sorry for suggesting this whole plan in the first place. I was wrong, Kai. I think we both were.”
I lowered myself onto the bed next to him. “What are you saying?”
Tristan’s mouth twisted as he thought hard.
“When I first met Silas, I figured he was just jealous of me replacing him as the most important man in your life. But I’ve been watching you both all night.
I think he’s jealous, but not because of that.
He has feelings for you, Kai. Anyone with eyes could see that. Even if he hasn’t said it out loud—”
“He has,” I mumbled.
Tristan’s breath caught. “Wait—what? Silas told you he has feelings for you? When?”
“A few days ago.” I dropped my face into my hands, muffling my speech. “That’s what we argued about.”
“I’m so confused. If he told you he had feelings for you, why aren’t you together?”
I didn’t lift my head, waiting for the penny to drop.
Tristan didn’t make me wait long before he groaned. “Oh fuck, Kai. Please don’t tell me you didn’t take it seriously. What did I tell you about that?”
“That you’d throat-punch me if it was you.”
“And did he?”
“No. He did tell me to go fuck myself and not speak to him until I pulled my head out of my arse.”
Tristan lay a comforting hand on the back of my neck. “Does that sound like a man who doesn’t know what he wants?”
“No,” I answered him honestly. “I’m an idiot. He gave me everything I ever wanted, and I threw it back in his face.”
Tristan was quiet for a long time before he spoke again. “It’s going to be okay. Once you’ve explained to Silas, he’ll give you a chance.”
I gave him a wan smile, my heart aching. “Fuck, I hope so.”
I’d lose everything if he didn’t.
I didn’t sleep. I just lay there, revisiting every time I’d fucked up with Silas. From not telling him how I felt years ago to pushing him away over the past few months.
If he agreed to give us a go, I would spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to him.
I had insisted on Tristan taking the bed. I’d taken the sofa opposite. It was pushed up against the wall. On the other side was Silas. We were separated by just a few inches of plasterboard, but with what I’d done, it might as well have been an entire fucking ocean.
How could I have been so stupid?
A low cry from the other side of the wall had me bolting upright.
I grabbed my phone on reflex, expecting to see Silas calling me.
But there was nothing.
I pressed my ear to the wall, holding my breath so I could hear.
“No, no, no. Please don’t. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
I was on my feet and running.
It didn’t matter that he hadn’t called me. If Silas needed me, I was going to be there.
His room was dark as I burst in. A sliver of moonlight crept in from the window, illuminating Silas. He was sat up, his knees drawn to his chest as he rocked slowly.
“Si.” I rushed to him, sliding onto the bed and pulling him into my arms. “It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you.”
He tried to speak, but nothing came out but a sob.
“It’s okay,” I reassured him again, pulling him so he was lying down. I arranged the quilt over us before tucking him in against my chest. Just like I’d done since that very first nightmare. “I’m here. You’re not alone.”
Gradually, his shaking subsided and his breathing returned to normal. My chest was wet from his tears, but I didn’t let him go to mop it up. No, I’d hold him for as long as he needed.
I could tell the moment he was fully awake and aware of what was happening.
He stiffened in my arms, pulling back so abruptly that he nearly rolled off the edge of the bed.
He ended up on his back, staring at the ceiling.
Even with the minimal light, I could see a muscle jumping in his jaw. “What are you doing here?”
It was like a knife in my gut. I studied him. My best friend. My confidant. The only man I’d ever love.
Refusing to look at me. Like doing so might break off another part of his heart.
“Why didn’t you call me?”
Silas kept his gaze steady. “Didn’t think you’d come.”
I flinched, my hand going to my chest. “I’ll always answer your calls, Si.”
That had him twisting his head to the side and, fuck, his eyes. I’d never seen them look so empty. “I’d believe that if you hadn’t ghosted me while filming.”
“But you never called at night…I would’ve answered then.” A horrifying realisation washed over me. “Are you saying you’ve been having nightmares and just…going through them alone?”
His expression turned hopeless. “What else was I supposed to do, Kai? You made it abundantly clear you needed space from me.”
“Not at the expense of your own happiness.”
He made a choked noise. “Can’t believe you thought you could ignore me for four months and I’d be happy about it. Anyway, you shouldn’t even be in here. You should be with Tristan.”
“No, I should be with you. Forget about Tristan. We aren’t together.
” I couldn’t stand the distance between us, but I didn’t want to force Silas into doing anything he wasn’t comfortable with.
I wriggled closer, my hand stroking up his neck and cupping his cheek.
“I’m so sorry, Si. There’s a lot I need to tell you, that we need to talk about, but I want to start with that.
I’m sorry I hurt you. It was never my intention.
Fuck, Si, the one and only truth I’ve lived by is that I want you to be happy. ”
Silas blinked rapidly. “You’re ready to talk?”
I nodded. “I’ll answer whatever questions you have.
I just…I can’t have this distance between us, Si.
I can’t cope. I know it’s not healthy, but you’re the air I need to breathe.
These past few months without you felt like I was slowly suffocating, able to draw enough breath to keep me alive but not enough to live. ”
Silas bit his lip. “You know what? I don’t want to talk.”
“You don’t?”
He sat up abruptly, and my mouth went dry in fear. He was leaving. Walking away.
Then Silas kicked off the duvet and shoved me onto my back. Before I could say anything, he straddled my waist. Fuck, I was wrong. He wasn’t leaving.
He was getting closer. His arse landed squarely on my groin, and my hands flew up to grab his hips in surprise. We were both in underwear. Two thin pieces of cotton separated us.
Silas’s chest heaved as he put his forearms on either side of my head to brace himself. The move left his mouth hovering only inches from my own. I could feel his breath on my lips. Fuck, how I wanted to close the distance between us.
But I’d read the situation wrong with Silas way too many times before for me to take that risk. He needed to take that step.
“No more talking,” Silas whispered, his eyes flicking between mine. “Things get messy when we talk. Let’s leave that until tomorrow.”
Part of me yearned to spill it all now. Tell him the truth about my feelings. Tristan. My fears.
But we had time. We didn’t need to rush.
“Okay,” I croaked. “We don’t have to talk. We can just sleep.”
Please let me sleep in here. Don’t make me leave.
A slow grin worked its way across Silas’s face. He ground his pelvis against me. I nearly wept at the feel of his hard cock through his boxers. “Who said anything about sleep?”
That was all the warning he gave me before his mouth descended on mine.
Kissing Silas was everything I remembered it to be and so much more. He tasted like mint mixed with the liquorice scent I always associated with him. His lips were firm against mine, with no hesitancy in his movements.
My lips opened for him the instant his tongue swept across them, demanding entrance. I whimpered as his tongue ran over mine.
It was everything. Everything.
Silas sank his teeth into my lip before pulling away. His pupils were blown with lust, his eyes hooded. “This okay?”
I didn’t answer him with words. He wanted no talking, so I’d show him with my body.
I rolled him effortlessly so he was the one trapped beneath me. We’d both foregone pyjama tops, so there was no barrier between our chests. I lined us up carefully, my pelvis slotting against Silas’s.
Tiny pinpricks scattered over my skin at the feel of him against me. I knew he’d initiated it, but I had to check. As far as I knew, this was his first time with a man. The last thing I wanted to do was cross any boundaries or make him uncomfortable. “Tell me to stop, and I will.”
His response was to grab my rear with both hands. He lifted his hips at the same time, rocking against me forcefully. “No stopping.”
I growled before taking his mouth. Decades of pent-up pining poured out of me as I devoured him.
I’d pictured this moment more times than I cared to admit.
Imagined a million different ways it might go down.
In all of them, I’d had a degree of control.
Finesse. I was able to use everything I’d learned through my past sexual experiences to drive Silas crazy.
How wrong I was. There was no thought. No planning. Just a need to rut against Silas. To swallow his moans with my mouth. To touch every inch of his body that I could. To memorise every inch I’d seen but never been allowed to explore.
“Kai.” Silas’s head arched back, giving me access to his neck. I nipped along the skin, leaving little memories of myself behind. If he woke tomorrow and realised he didn’t want this, at least I’d be able to see my marks on him for a bit longer.
Silas’s nails dug into my back as his hips bucked upwards. His lips were swollen from my kisses, the cherry-red matching the flush on his cheeks.
He was close. I was too. I undulated my body against him faster, ignoring the friction from my boxers as I sank down to kiss him again.
Fuck, I couldn’t get enough of his taste. I didn’t think I ever would.
Silas’s whole body tensed, his fingers digging into my back to the point of pain. He made a choked noise into my mouth as warmth flooded the space between us.
My orgasm hit out of nowhere. It unleashed a torrent of pleasure that had all my muscles quaking. I didn’t know what sound I made, but it was loud enough to have Silas clapping his hand over my mouth.
When the final wave rushed over me, I realised what he’d done and my eyes shot to his in alarm. Oh god, was he freaking out about being with a man? Had the noise I’d made at the end been too much?
But Silas wasn’t freaking out. No, he was grinning at me softly, an eyebrow raised. “Hot as that was, I didn’t think you’d want your parents hearing us.”
I kissed his palm before pulling it away. “Jesus, I didn’t even think about that.”
“It’s okay. I don’t think anyone would’ve heard.”
That was true. Tristan was the only one close to us, and he slept with military-grade earplugs.
I stared at Silas, unable to believe what had just happened. His hair was stuck to his head with sweat, his cheeks glowing. His swollen lips were curved in a satisfied smile, his eyes gleaming.
He looked like a man come undone. I’d seen every side of Silas except this one.
Fuck he was so beautiful like this. Sated and content.
Because of me.
He lifted his thumb to my mouth and pulled my lower lip. “Still think I’m making up my feelings?”
“No.” Silas wasn’t that good of an actor. It was difficult to speak with his thumb toying over my lip. And very distracting.
I smirked before sucking his thumb into my mouth. Hollowing out my cheeks, I revelled in the way Silas’s gaze darkened, his hips unconsciously moving under mine again.
Oh, Silas. The things I was going to do to him.