Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
SILAS
In all the years of friendship I’d shared with Kai, I didn’t think I’d ever been this angry with him.
Not when he’d fucked off to the back of beyond for four months.
Not when he’d ghosted me.
Not when he’d thrown my feelings back in my face.
All those things had hurt me. Cut me so deep that the pain was almost visceral. But I hadn’t been angry. If Kai had harboured feelings for me all these years, it would explain his behaviour.
However, leaving my room to see him kissing Tristan? Telling him he’d do anything for him?
After he’d spent the night with me?
Yeah. I was fucking pissed. Furious, even.
Kai had told me Tristan wasn’t his boyfriend, and like a fool, I’d believed him. I never would’ve gone there last night if I’d thought otherwise.
The scene I’d unwittingly stumbled across this morning revealed the truth. I wasn’t sure what had hurt more. The kiss Kai had given Tristan’s cheek, or the words I’d heard from the other man’s mouth.
You’re the best boyfriend I could’ve asked for.
I wanted Kai to be mine…but clearly, he belonged to someone else.
Thank god there’d been an Uber outside. No idea who it was supposed to have been for, but I’d felt no guilt in pinching it. The driver had been booked to go to a hotel a few streets from my house, which worked out perfectly.
My phone buzzed in my hand, making my heart race. When I glanced at the screen, it wasn’t Kai’s name, but Arlo’s.
“Yeah?”
“Good morning to you too.”
Arlo sounded like he was barely awake. “Why are you calling me so early?”
“Couldn’t sleep,” he muttered as he stifled a yawn. “Just wanted to see if you need a lift this afternoon.”
I froze. “What’s happening this afternoon?”
“We’re booked in for our first session at the studio. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten.”
Of course I’d forgotten. I leaned my head against the cool window. “Do I have to go?”
“Umm…yeah? We can hardly write without you there.”
I snorted. “Come on, we all know I’m not a lyricist.”
“But you’re a part of the band. We need your input on the instrument side.” He paused. “Why are you being weird about this? Has something happened?”
It hit me then that it wasn’t just losing Kai that was at risk here…but the whole band. My career. My life.
If I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as Kai…how would we continue as part of Caffeine Daydreams?
Fuck. I wish I’d thought of this before going down this road. Call me na?ve and big-headed, but I hadn’t honestly expected this to happen. I’d stupidly thought Kai and I would get together and start living happily ever after.
I was wrong though. Fairy tales hadn’t existed in my childhood, and they sure as shit didn’t exist now.
My head spun. This was just too much to take in all at once. Maybe I just needed to get through today. With Arlo and Luca there, along with our producer and manager, it was unlikely Kai would say anything anyway. All I had to do was get through the session, then I could hightail it out of there.
Until then, I could be a goddamned professional. The most professional musician to ever musician.
Without speaking to Kai.
Or thinking about how he’d looked on his knees the night before, staring up at me like I was the answer to all his prayers.
Or remembering how he’d pulled Tristan tight to his side. Tucking him in like he belonged there. Like Kai wanted to keep him safe.
I’d been stupid to think this was all about me. I thought maybe this was our story.
Instead, I was a side character in theirs.
“Si? You there?”
“Yeah,” I replied heavily. “I’ll…I’ll be there.”
There was another long pause. “Is everything okay, Si? Do you need to talk?”
I did. I needed to talk. But not to Arlo.
There was only one person who could make this better. And he was the one person I didn’t want to see right now.
“No, everything’s fine. I’ll meet you at the studio.” I wanted to have my car there in case I needed to make a quick getaway. Couldn’t count on there handily being an Uber waiting for me whenever I needed it. “I’ll see you later.”
I got there early, hoping to slink in before anyone else arrived.
Fate was against me. I walked into the studio to find all my bandmates. Even Arlo was there…and he was never on time.
They fell silent when I entered, making me narrow my eyes. “Subtle.”
Luca smirked at me lazily. “Someone has a big opinion of himself.”
I rolled my eyes. “Someone knows his bandmates.”
Well, some of them. I purposefully didn’t so much as glance at Kai. I could feel his eyes burning into my face as I fell onto the sofa beside Arlo.
“Where’s Betty?” Our new manager had only been with us for a few months, but she was already several leagues above Kevin.
“She’ll be here later,” Luca said, pulling his notepad out of his bag. “Along with Louise. Figured there wasn’t much point in them being here until we had some song ideas solidified.”
Louise was our main producer. Normally, she was here through this stage, but if Luca wanted to mix things up, I wasn’t about to argue.
Luca began outlining several ideas he’d had. His relationship with Ollie had unlocked his muse, leading to countless songs about finding love and happiness.
It was enough to make me sick to the stomach. After a while, I had to tune him out.
I tried not to look at Kai. I really did.
But decades of friendship meant I couldn’t help glancing his way.
It was like I was hardwired to share my every thought and micro-expression with him.
I wanted to nod at him when Luca hit on a particularly good lyric.
Or roll my eyes when he waxed on about Ollie for a touch too long.
Each time I forgot and looked over at him, he was already staring at me.
To his credit, he hadn’t tried to say a word to me aside from a greeting when I’d arrived.
He’d even chosen to sit in a chair rather than on the sofa where we usually crashed together.
Something for which I was both grateful and pissed about.
Grateful because he was giving me space.
Pissed because I didn’t actually want space.
To the casual onlooker, Kai probably looked completely relaxed. His shirt was unbuttoned halfway down his chest, his ankle resting on his knee. He lounged in the chair like it was a throne.
It was the intensity he was watching me with that gave him away. It was like no one else was in the room. It didn’t even seem to bother him that I was avoiding him.
No. He simply stared at me, his eyes hooded like they’d been last night as he’d thrust against me. One of his hands was raised to his face, stroking over his lips like he was remembering how I’d tasted.
I shifted in my seat as my cock began to stiffen. How could I be so angry with him yet so damned turned on?
I jolted as Luca’s voice pulled me back to reality. “What do you think, Kai? You got anything?”
Kai spoke without looking away from me, showing he’d been paying more attention than I had. “I have some things that could work.”
I had no idea if Arlo or Luca had picked up on the awkward tension between us. I tore my attention away from him, dragging in deep breaths and trying to force my heart to slow.
He has a boyfriend. He’s been fucking with you.
Had he though? Even with what had happened this morning…did I really think Kai was capable of intentionally hurting me?
No. I didn’t think he was.
“Okay, great. Let’s get the instruments out and see what we’ve got.”
Luca and Arlo made tracks for the attached studio. I could see them through the glass, Luca pulling the mic down to his height while Arlo got set up at the drum kit.
I didn’t move because Kai hadn’t moved. To get to the other room, I’d have to practically brush past him.
He tilted his head at me before speaking softly. “Can we talk?”
His words took me back to last night. To him asking that in my doorway just as his boyfriend appeared behind me.
It was enough of a reminder to force me to my feet. “No.”
I skirted past him, careful to not let any part of us touch.
Luca’s head snapped up as I entered. “You okay?”
“Yep,” I said curtly, keeping my head bowed as I slung my strap over my shoulder. “Peachy.”
Kai entered just after me, whispering something in Arlo’s ear before taking his place beside me. I’d never paid much attention to our studio setup before. Like everywhere else, Kai and I had gravitated towards each other naturally.
Now, it felt like that connection was an anchor, pulling me down to the depths until I could no longer breathe.
I tried to tune him out. Tried to think about nothing but the words Luca was singing and the beats Arlo and Kai were throwing out. I picked up the bass line as they toyed with various rhythms and melodies.
It was no use though. All I could focus on was Kai next to me. His towering form that stood way too close. The scent of the shower gel we’d used during the night.
I was going out of my mind.
Just when I couldn’t take it any longer, Luca stepped away from the mic. I sagged in relief, already moving to take off my bass.
“Okay, Kai. Your turn.”
My hands stilled on my strap, my surprise making me address Kai without thinking. “You’re singing?”
Kai had only ever sung one song before, and even that had taken months to get him to that stage. Now he was stepping up of his own accord?
He hummed as he moved to the microphone, not breaking eye contact with me. “What can I say? Recently, I’ve been…inspired.”
A shiver went down my spine. I couldn’t look away from him as he twisted the mic to face me.
“I’ve got a melody in mind.”
“Just start singing and we’ll jump in,” Arlo said as Luca grabbed a spare guitar from the wall.
Kai cleared his throat, his nimble fingers strumming his guitar.
And then he began to sing.
Do you know how it feels?
To never think you’ll be the one
Do you know how it feels?
To think our friendship will be done
Do you know how it feels?
To tell yourself this will be enough
Do you know how it feels?
To be with you through the good and the rough
Do you know how it feels?