Chapter 21 #2
To hear you say the words I’ve dreamed about
Do you know how it feels?
To be terrified by doubt
The song continued, my jaw hanging open as Kai poured his heart out. Finally, the last note faded. My hands hung loosely at my sides, where they’d been for the entire song. I had no idea if Luca and Arlo had joined in, but I sure as fuck hadn’t.
It was too much. There were too many versions of Kai. My best friend from childhood. The man I’d spent my life on stage with. The one who’d run from me and ignored me for four months.
The one who’d shown me pleasure like I hadn’t even known existed. The Kai who brought another man home to meet his family.
Then there was this one. Pouring his heart out through his lyrics and begging me to pick it up.
Which one was real? It was overwhelming. I couldn’t think. Couldn’t begin to put this together in my head.
I stepped back, and Kai shoved his guitar in Luca’s direction. “Si, please. I need you to listen to me.”
My back hit the wall. From the corner of my eye, I saw Arlo and Luca leave the room, quietly closing the door behind them. Couldn’t blame them. If I were a witness to this shit show, I’d want to leave too.
Scratch that, I was part of it, and I definitely wanted to leave.
“Those are all pretty words.” I gestured to the mic. “But they mean fuck-all when you belong to someone else.”
Kai’s patience broke, something I saw so rarely. “I belong to you. Damnit, Silas! I always have. You are the one who holds my heart. It has always been you. It’ll always be you.”
I wanted to believe him. I did. “Then why are you with Tristan? If I’m the one you want, why the fuck are you with him?”
I was so mad. Mad at him for not telling me how he felt before he ran. Mad at Tristan for being with him.
But most of all, I was mad at myself for not waking up and seeing Kai earlier. Maybe if I had, this could all have been avoided.
This wasn’t the right time for this. It was too raw. Too fresh. If I stayed, I would end up saying something I’d regret.
I didn’t give Kai a chance to answer my question, ducking past him and hightailing it for the door. But when I turned the handle, nothing happened. “What the fuck?”
I shook the door a few more times before hammering on it. “Luca? Arlo? The door is jammed.”
The lights flicked on in the opposite room, illuminating the grim faces of my bandmates. Arlo was leaning on the sound mixing desk, and it was his voice that came over the speakers. “It’s not jammed, it’s locked. And it’s not getting unlocked until you two fuckers sort this out once and for all.”
I stalked over to the window, shooting a murderous glare at them. “Open the fucking door. Now.”
Luca shoved Arlo aside so he could speak. “We aren’t letting you two tear yourselves or the band apart any longer. Sort your shit out, and we’ll let you out when you agree to play nice.”
With that, they both walked out. Leaving me locked in a room alone with Kai.
“Fucking unbelievable.”
Kai gave a low whistle, making me wheel around to face him. “Yep.”
He didn’t seem bothered…or surprised. His agitation from earlier was nowhere to be seen. In fact, he was settling on a chair and pulling a bag from underneath. He rummaged for a minute before triumphantly pulling out a bag of Maltesers. “Snack?”
Realisation dawned on me. “You set this up.”
Kai shrugged as he tore into the packaging and popped a handful of chocolate into his mouth. “Can’t run away now.”
“Well, you’d know all about that,” I said bitterly, throwing myself into the chair opposite him. I was tempted to drag it over to the other side of the room, but that felt petty.
And maybe Luca and Arlo were right. There was no point running from this. We needed to get everything out in the open.
So we could both move on.
Kai cleared his throat, shoving the now-empty packet back in the bag. He’d always been a nervous eater. “I deserve that.”
“Damn right you do.”
Kai sighed before leaning his forearms on his knees. I tried not to notice how it made his muscles bunch, forcing my eyes to look elsewhere. They were traitorous bastards, though, sneaking their way back there without me even realising.
“Before I say anything else, you have to know I’m not in a relationship with Tristan.”
I opened my mouth to point out the obvious, but he reached across to put his palm over my lips. God, how I wanted to dart my tongue over his fingers. Maybe suck one into my mouth like the night before.
It was strange to be this angry at someone yet still drawn to them. But that was me and Kai all over. Nothing about our relationship should make sense, but it always had to us.
That was all that had mattered.
“Tristan and I are not, nor have we ever been, in a relationship,” Kai spoke quietly, his eyes searching mine. “He saw what a state I was in while in Mexico and offered to pretend to be my fake boyfriend.”
What…? I couldn’t wrap my head around what he was saying. He let his hand fall away, and I immediately blurted out, “You were never together? At all?”
He shook his head. “It was a stupid idea, in the end. It didn’t do what it was supposed to.”
“And what was that?”
“Keep me away from you.”
I reeled back in my chair. “What, so it wasn’t enough that you hadn’t seen me for four months…you also didn’t want to be close to me when you got back?”
Fuck, I thought I’d felt heartbreak before, but it had nothing on this.
“No, that’s not it.” Kai blew out a breath in frustration. “I’m getting this all wrong. Again. What the fuck is wrong with me?”
Two decades of protective instincts finally reared their head. Even if I didn’t understand anything else, I knew Kai was hurting. I…I didn’t want that. “Hey, it’s okay. Start at the beginning. I won’t interrupt.”
He raised an eyebrow, drawing a reluctant chuckle from me. “Okay, I’ll try not to interrupt.”
He laughed nervously, shaking out his hands. “Sorry, it’s just I’ve imagined this a thousand times…but I never quite pictured it like this.”
I tilted my head at him. “Imagined what?”
He took a deep breath, taking both my hands in his.
“Imagined telling you I’m in love with you.”