Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
KAI
“Say that again,” Silas breathed.
The words I’d fought so hard to contain for almost our entire friendship were now as easy as breathing.
“I’m in love with you, Silas. I’ve loved you for so long that I don’t know how to do anything else.
Loving you has been the one constant in my life.
Not my family, nor our careers, or even our friendship. It’s just been you. Loving you.”
Silas blinked slowly, his hands limp in mine. “For how long? How long have you loved me?”
I swallowed. “Umm…it’s hard to say when I knew for certain. Maybe the first time I realised I would actually quite happily commit murder when I saw the bruises your dad gave you? Or maybe it was when you kept showing up for me during Mum’s chemo. No matter how hard it got, you were always there.”
I gave a low chuckle, shaking my head at the memory. “Or maybe it even goes back as far as you whacking Timothy Smythe unconscious with a stick.”
Silas was silent for a moment before he ripped his hands from mine with a curse. “Fucking hell, Kai.”
He was on his feet and pacing. “You’re telling me you’ve loved me for decades?”
I shot up, my palms raised as I pleaded with him. “I tried not to, believe me, Si. I fucking tried. But no matter who I dated or slept with, no one could get to my heart. Because it’s always been yours.”
A distressed noise slipped from his lips as his hands tugged at his hair. “That’s not what I’m upset about, Kai.”
I stilled. “It’s not?”
“Of course it’s not,” he exploded. “You’ve just told me that for years, I’ve been putting on a show with you on stage. Grinding up against you and being…completely inappropriate. Then making you watch me take home girl after girl every night.”
I stepped up to him, my hands going to his shoulders. “You didn’t know, Silas.”
“But I should’ve,” he whispered miserably, his head dropping. “It’s what I’ve been scared about since I first…suspected you might have feelings for me. I should’ve seen it earlier. I know you better than anyone. How could I not see this?”
I couldn’t help it. I needed to hug him. I pulled him tight to me, relieved when he didn’t shove me away. “You couldn’t see it because I hid it from you. This is not on you, Si. It’s on me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice was muffled against my chest. “Did you really not trust me that much?”
“It’s not about trust,” I answered him honestly. “I couldn’t risk losing you, Si.”
His head whipped up, hurt shining in his eyes. “You wouldn’t have lost me, Kai. Jesus, do you really think so little of me?”
“Of course not.” I held him firmly. “But things would’ve changed between us. You wouldn’t have kept dancing with me on stage. You wouldn’t have phoned me in the middle of the night to comfort you. You wouldn’t have spent every waking minute with me.”
“No…because those things were hurting you.”
“They were also the things keeping me alive.”
“If that’s true…” Silas said slowly. “Then why did you leave? You obviously didn’t need or want those things. You left me for four months, Kai, without saying a word. It would’ve been bad enough even if nothing happened.”
I winced as he pushed out of my arms, carefully stepping back. “And something did happen, Kai. We kissed. Onstage. In front of thousands of fans. Didn’t you think that was something we should talk about?”
“We did talk about it—remember? You said it was all part of the act.”
“No, those were your words, not mine.” He crossed his arms over his chest calmly. “What I said was I shouldn’t have taken it that far.”
“The act,” I whispered in disbelief. “That’s what you meant.”
“No,” he said softly, his arms dropping as he stepped closer. “I meant I shouldn’t have taken it that far in front of the fans. Fuck, Kai, weren’t you there? It wasn’t just you doing the kissing. I was in that moment just as much as you were.”
I gaped at him, not wanting to believe what he was telling me. “I thought…I thought you were acting.”
He snorted. “Since when have I been that good of an actor? Remind me again, what role was I given in the GCSE Drama performance?”
My lips twitched despite the gravity of the moment. “I believe it was a tree.”
“Tree number three,” he corrected me wryly.
Silence fell as Silas reached a hand up to stroke my jaw. He brushed it once. Twice. “I was there with you, Kai. Right there, in that moment. Waking up to realise that the way I felt about you was far from platonic.”
I closed my eyes, unable to stand how much I’d hurt him. “And I left you alone to deal with that. I’m sorry.”
“My sexual awakening was not your responsibility,” Silas whispered, thumbing at my lower lip. “You might’ve been the cause, but it was for me to work through. And…as much as I hate to say it, maybe you were right.”
“Right about what?”
“Putting distance between us.” He swallowed, his hand still stroking my face like he couldn’t stop touching me.
“It gave me…time. Time to figure out that my feelings for you were…changing. No, not changing.” He shook his head impatiently.
“They were the same as they always were, but I’d just never realised.
What I feel for you goes far deeper than what I feel for Luca or Arlo.
For years, I put it down to just being best friends.
But you were right…what friends behave like we do? ”
I chuckled. “None that I’m aware of. But…
I’m sorry. Leaving you like that…not saying goodbye…
was the single most selfish thing I ever did.
My only excuse is that I was at my breaking point.
As much as I loved touching you on stage, it fucking destroyed me knowing it didn’t mean the same to you as it did to me. ”
His hands froze on my face. “Do you want me to stop touching you now?”
“No,” I barked, grabbing his wrist and refusing to let him move. “It’s different now.”
Yes. Everything was different now.
“So you went away hoping, what? That’d you’d get over me?”
It seemed so stupid now. “Yeah. Turns out you’re kind of impossible to get over.”
He flashed me a dimpled grin, his chipped tooth on display. “Well, I could’ve told you that.”
“Didn’t work at all. That’s where Tristan came in. It’s true that we got close while we were filming. It was fucking breaking me being apart from you, Si. Tristan was the one who helped me through it.”
Silas stiffened, pulling back slightly. I squeezed his wrist again. “He offered to fly over and pretend to be my boyfriend. I was worried that if he didn’t, things would go back to how they were before. If I’d had the slightest inkling you felt the same way, I wouldn’t even have considered it.”
He was still looking unsure. I leaned my forehead against his, staring deep into his eyes. “I mean it, Si. There was never anything between us. I was too blinded by you to even look at anyone else. And Tristan? Well…he’s got his own stuff going on.”
He frowned. “What kind of stuff?”
“Honestly? I’m not sure. Whatever it is, it’s serious. Serious enough for him to agree to be my fake boyfriend to help me stay away from you.”
“Poor guy,” Silas’s face softened. “Wait, is that why you took that photo this morning?”
Relief poured through me. “Yes. We both knew our fake tryst was coming to an end. It was obvious to just about everyone that I can’t stay away from you. I offered to take one final photo for him to post in the hope it’d buy him some more time. But not until I’d explained everything to you.”
Silas groaned. “Ah, man, now I feel like a dick. I know I’m being irrational. I just remember his hands all over you, and it makes me want to punch something.”
I rubbed his wrist. “I get that.”
I saw the horror dawn on his face. “Oh fuck, Kai. This is how you felt every time I took someone else home. Is that why you moved to a different floor on tour?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said quickly. I didn’t want Silas blaming himself, not when he didn’t know.
He yanked his arm from my grip and threw both around my neck. I staggered back a step under his weight, my back hitting the wall.
“It fucking matters, Kai. You matter. More than anything. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I didn’t figure things out sooner. I’m sorry I—”
I surged forwards, catching his lips with mine. His apologies were undoing the fragile stitching holding me together. I didn’t want them. I didn’t need them.
I just needed him.
Silas sank into my kiss with a groan. He flattened his body to mine, his hands straining as he tried to get as close as possible.
I felt the same. There wasn’t an inch of space between us, but somehow it was too much.
Silas was breathing words out between kisses. I was so lost in him that it took me a minute to register his words.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
I growled, flipping our positions and boxing him in against the wall.
“No. No apologies, Si. I’m the one who needs to apologise.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how I felt years ago.
I’m sorry I got scared and ran away. I’m sorry I tried to keep you at a distance with Tristan.
I’m sorry you saw what you did this morning. I’m sorry.”
“How about we both stop being sorry and do something else instead?”
He rocked his hips forward, and I shivered as his cock brushed against mine.
Silas was hard. For me.
Would I ever get used to this?
I tried to force my brain to focus. “Don’t you think we should talk more first?”
Silas continued rolling his hips against mine. Fuck how I loved the mischief in his eyes. “I mean…probably? It’s kind of hard to think straight when you’re pinning me in like this. It’s giving me all sorts of fun ideas.”
I groaned, stepping forward to still his hips. Not that that helped. Now my cock was pushed against his, begging me to get with the programme.
I sucked the skin between his neck and shoulder, adding another mark to the ones already there. I wanted to cover him in my marks so everyone knew Silas was mine.
Finally.
Silas cursed, tilting his head to give me better access. “Fuck, that feels so good.”
I laved my tongue over the skin before giving it a final kiss. “What else did you have in mind?”
His gaze darted over my shoulder to the window. “Depends. How long did you tell the others to give us?”
“Until I text them.”
“What about Betty and Louise?”
I smirked. “Technically, we don’t have a studio session today. We cancelled it this morning when I asked Arlo and Luca for help. We kept the room booking, but that’s it.”
“The cameras?”
“Turned off. Rhys is in the security room, making sure no one turns them back on. Dylan and Jack are on this floor at each end of the corridor. They won’t let anyone other than Luca or Arlo through. Short of the fire alarm going off, we won’t be disturbed.”
Now it was Silas’s turn to smirk. His long fingers began to massage my erection through my jeans. I bit my lip to contain my whimper. Why the fuck hadn’t I gone for joggers?
“Hmm…not sure how I feel about you being so certain something would happen.”
“I knew something would happen.” My voice was raspy, my focus torn between my words and the fact Silas was now unbuttoning my jeans. “But I didn’t know what. For all I knew you’d end up bludgeoning me to death with your bass.”
Silas snorted. “There’s no way I’d risk Gertrude like that.”
“Weirdest fucking name for an instrument ever,” I whispered, my eyes drifting closed as he released my aching shaft from the denim confines. “But if that did happen, I didn’t want there to be any video evidence.”
Silas’s touch was dancing over my member. It was like he was familiarising himself. Or memorising the shape. Whatever he was doing, I hoped he never stopped. “Always thinking of me.”
“Always,” I whispered. “I didn’t think this would happen. In all honesty, I just wanted to make sure I could keep you here long enough to listen.”
“Well, I’ve listened. So…what should we do now?”