Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen
ARLO
Fuck, my muscles didn’t like approaching thirty-three.
I stood up from my drum kit and stretched my arms above my head, groaning as several things popped back into place.
Being a few years older than me, the rest of the band had warned me that time was going to catch up with me eventually. Fuck that, I’d told them. Being in your thirties was far from old.
Apparently my back hadn’t got the memo.
I wasn’t going down without a fight though.
Perhaps a run was what I needed, to loosen up my core after being sat at my kit for so long.
Even if it wasn’t, exercise was a key part of my routine.
It’d taken a long time to figure out what did and didn’t work when it came to my depression, but with the help of my therapist and doctor, I’d come up with a routine that worked for me.
Running was something I’d picked up a couple of years ago.
It gave me a sense of freedom—just me and the ground beneath my feet.
That didn’t mean my depression had gone away, far from it.
But the good days outnumbered the bad. It was something I lived with.
I was determined to not let it rule my life.
Yes, I had depression, but it was just one facet of me.
I’d learned from Luca that having a mental illness didn’t need to define you.
I’d finally opened up to the band about my diagnosis a few weeks after everything had changed with our security details. Not that they could’ve missed that something was wrong. I didn’t get out of bed for days after the incident that had decided my fate.
“You’re a fucking idiot,” Luca had told me when I’d finally come clean. “How could you ever think we’d hold something like that against you?”
After clipping me around the ear, he’d pulled me into a fierce hug. Kai and Silas had done the same, one after the other.
Them knowing made managing my illness much easier. I didn’t have to worry about hiding my feelings. They had my back.
Marching to the door, my gaze didn’t flicker once to the chair in the corner. After almost four years of being empty, it was a literal representation of the elephant in the room, one I ignored.
I should probably have thrown it out, but every time I tried, I couldn’t bring myself to take it any further than the door. As much as I hated it, it was the only reminder that Jack had once played a role in my life.
You’d never know it from the way we behaved around each other now.
That wasn’t quite accurate. Luca, Kai, and Silas knew for sure that something had happened.
After the meeting where Kevin announced the change to our security detail, Luca had pulled me aside to ask if I wanted to switch back.
He’d even gone as far as suggesting firing Kevin, somehow knowing he had something to do with it.
I’d refused on both counts. Not only were things irrevocably broken between me and Jack, but Kevin had set up his own little meeting with me. One that took place just before the official one, where he’d threatened to fire Jack if I didn’t play ball.
Not wanting Jack to lose the thing he’d given me up for, I’d agreed.
Might’ve been stupid given what I now knew, but at the time I was in a vulnerable place. My whole world had been torn to shreds, the pieces still littered on the floor. I think I would’ve agreed to anything Kevin suggested so long as it kept Jack in my life in one way or another.
That had been a dark time for me. Without my bandmates, I wasn’t sure I would’ve got through it. They didn’t know exactly what had happened, but they’d shown up for me day after day, dragging me out of bed and out into the world. Through them, I’d learned to function without Jack at my side.
“We’re your friends,” Silas had said on one of my dark days. I’d been sobbing on his shoulder, asking him why they bothered to put up with me. “It’s what we fucking do.”
For a long time, I’d struggled to believe that Jack was really cutting me off entirely.
But as I sat alone that first Christmas, the reality hit me. We were really done. Whatever had existed between us was gone, if it had ever been there in the first place.
I’d allowed myself a moment to grieve, but then I’d dusted myself off and moved on. Well, I’d tried, anyway. I’d dated others. Taken them home. Fucked them, the whole time trying not to imagine Jack beneath me instead.
I’d never let any of them fuck me though. It was stupid, but once, I’d been saving that for Jack. Now it was like there was a mental block when it came to bottoming. As though now I wasn’t doing that with the person I’d always thought I would, I couldn’t do it with anyone else either.
Stupid, really. I’d long since let go of the idea of anything happening between us, but for some reason I couldn’t move past it.
A few weeks after our guards had been switched, Kevin had discovered a clause in our contract meaning any of us could be fired without the say-so of the others.
Luca, Silas and Kai had been horrified, immediately contacting our lawyers to have it rectified.
I’d hidden my face in my hood as they raged, hiding my tears at their support.
I should never have doubted them. They had my back. We had each other’s.
Knowing that had made it easier to stand my ground when it came to refusing the extra assignments from the label.
I’d ended up confessing everything to the three of them—not all the details, but enough so that they understood.
That was the same time I finally opened up about my depression.
After yelling at me for a bit for keeping quiet for so long about everything, they leapt into action.
The solo meetings stopped. Now, they met with all of us or none of us.
It also gave me the confidence to approach the rest of them with my idea. Another clause I wanted to add to our contracts, one that allowed us to have the final say over the hiring and firing of our crew.
Including our security guards.
They’d agreed without question, Luca going so far as suggesting we switch back.
Once again though, I’d turned him down. Now that the break had been made, I was too scared to go back.
Jack might have been able to treat me professionally, but if we were in close proximity again, there was no way I’d be able to do the same for him.
For almost four years, we’d had the cool, professional relationship Jack had wanted.
That was, unless his jealousy got the better of him.
It didn’t happen often, but there’d been times over the past few years when I’d been seeing someone when Jack hadn’t been able to stop himself making a comment about how the guy wasn’t good enough, or how I deserved better.
It would inevitably lead to an argument, one that always ended in one of us storming off.
The worst part always happened the next time I saw Jack though. When he’d look at me with that cool, professional stare, like nothing had happened.
There’d been a glimmer of hope a little while ago, when Jack had learned the depth of Kevin’s crimes.
Not only had he interfered in Luca and Ollie’s relationship, sending the latter running back to London in the middle of a tour he was supposed to be reporting on, but he’d also been stealing from us.
He and our accountant—conveniently, Kevin’s brother-in-law—had been skimming off our profits for years.
Thanks to their fraud, their offshore accounts were lined with our money.
Initially, I’d taken Jack bringing that to me as a good sign, but after the dust settled, he went back to treating me with the same cool detachment as before.
That was what had led to another incident, six months ago now. Silas and Kai had finally pulled their heads out of their arses and realised their ‘friendship’ was far from the norm.
The two of them shared a bond that rivalled what Jack and I once had.
Kai had been hopelessly in love with Silas since their teen years but, like me and Jack, believed he’d never have a chance.
It’d taken several months apart, a few ‘come to Jesus’ type talks, and being locked in a studio before they finally sorted their shit out.
I’d been so happy for them both, I really had. I was the one who’d hidden condoms and lube inside the studio, as well as flipping the lock on the door keeping them captive.
There was no denying that that happiness was accompanied by a selfish jealousy though. I smiled for Kai, knowing he was getting the one thing I’d never have. I snarked at Silas, understanding that he was going to live a happily ever after that was out of my reach.
I thought I was hiding my feelings pretty well, but when I teased Silas and Kai about providing us with a free porn show, I was called on my bullshit.
“You need to get laid,” Silas had said, grabbing me in a headlock and ruffling my hair.
I laughed weakly as I shoved him off. “I’d argue with you if that wasn’t so fucking true.”
The door swung open behind me. “Luca, your car’s outside. You’ve got an interview in less than an hour.”
I tensed up at the sound of Jack’s voice. Blame it on the jealousy, the years of unrequited love, hell, even on my immature attitude, but I couldn’t resist poking at him a bit.
Not even turning to look at Jack, I addressed Silas breezily. “Yeah, I definitely need to get laid. Let’s all hit up a club soon. Doubt I’m going to be as lucky as you lot to have my perfect man fall into my lap.”
Spinning around, I gasped in mock surprise. “Oh, Jack. Didn’t realise that was you. Well, if you’ll excuse me.”
With that, I brushed past, leaving them all behind.
It was petty and immature, but seeing Kai and Silas so happy had reopened old wounds. Jack didn’t even want me—he’d made that abundantly clear—yet I couldn’t stop myself from needling him, reminding him what he’d given up.
I was pathetic.
“Arlo, stop.”
Jack’s barked command had me freezing in my tracks. Fuck. I hated that my body still responded to the simplest order from him.