Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
JACK
When I was a kid, I thought adults had everything sorted by the time they hit forty. I thought I’d be in the forces, sailing towards retirement, a wife and kids back home. I’d know where I was going with my life and my future would be written in stone.
The joke was on me. Here I was, forty-three and barely existing, let alone living. I got up. Went to work. Spent time with my friends.
But mostly, I existed for when I got to breathe the same air as Arlo. I was never truly relaxed unless he was in sight.
Arlo’s words to me all those months ago haunted me. Not the ones about making up my mind or leaving him be, but the ones that had come before.
“You’re right, Jack. I don’t need you, but I do want you. I’m tired of pretending otherwise. Being with you was the happiest I’ve ever been, and I’d do anything to go back to those days.”
Fuck, I’d have given anything to be that man for Arlo. It had occurred to me to try and reconcile with him once Kevin was out of the way—of course it had. But despite what he thought, there were two massive fucking roadblocks in our way.
The first was that Arlo didn’t know the whole truth.
He didn’t know that I’d let Kevin manipulate me into cutting contact off with him.
He didn’t know Kevin had blackmailed me into doing what he wanted.
He didn’t know I’d made the choice for both of us, rather than confiding in him and figuring out what to do together.
Honestly, I’d thought I was doing what was best. I realised pretty fucking fast that being apart from Arlo wasn’t worth it.
I hadn’t known it was possible to miss someone as much as I did him.
Seeing him almost daily didn’t help. It was the sweetest type of torture, being close but not able to touch. Hearing him but not being able to talk.
He’d been my everything for almost a decade, and now we were strangers.
But what could I do? With Kevin in possession of those photos, he’d still had all the power. Sure, the contract had been changed, but I hadn’t wanted to risk Arlo losing the one thing that made him happy.
Seeing how the band had closed ranks around Arlo showed how wrong I’d been about them. I didn’t know what he’d told them, but suddenly I was accompanying Luca to lots more meetings. Meetings that were clearly intended to pressure Arlo.
Watching Kai, Silas and Luca go toe to toe with the label had been eye-opening. They’d made it clear that their behaviour towards Arlo was unacceptable.
Don’t get me wrong, I was glad he had them in their corner. But fuck me, did I kick myself. If I could go back, I would’ve walked out of that meeting with Kevin and immediately made another with the band. I should’ve had faith in them.
But I hadn’t.
When the true extent of Kevin’s crimes was revealed, another layer of guilt was added to the rest. Out of everyone, I’d known what he was capable of. I should’ve kept a closer eye on him, should’ve warned the others he didn’t have their best interests at heart.
But I hadn’t.
Now, too much time had passed to confess.
The only thing I had done was to file a report with the police about how Kevin blackmailed me.
The photos had been pulled as evidence, and now there was no chance of the label using them.
Not that I thought they would these days.
The band had made it clear that they operated as a unit.
Given they were the label’s biggest cash cow, they wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise that.
Enough time had passed to show what a fool I’d been, but too much to make things right.
I couldn’t be close to Arlo without telling him what I’d done. The extent to which I’d failed him. The role I’d played in hurting him.
He’d hate me if he knew the truth.
Because he had been hurt. I knew him better than I knew myself. Watching him, especially during those first few months, it’d almost broken me to see how much he was suffering.
From an outside perspective, I hadn’t struggled with our transition at all. But it was all a lie. A fucking facade that I donned every day just so no one knew I was dying inside.
No one knew the truth, Arlo included. No one knew that I’d sat Simon down and went through exactly how to best help Arlo when he was going through an episode of depression.
No one knew that I was the one who stocked the studio with Arlo’s favourite snacks and drinks, and checked they were included on every rider.
He didn’t know that I’d gone to their new manager, Betty, when I’d realised Arlo was struggling with the schedule, and persuaded her to give them longer breaks between shows.
Most of all though, no one knew what I did every holiday. Every Christmas, Easter, Halloween, New Year’s Eve, birthdays, all of them. I didn’t spend them with my family or friends.
I spent them with Arlo. Well, as close as I dared.
From that very first Christmas to Easter a few weeks ago, I sat in my car a few houses down from Arlo’s.
Sometimes, he wasn’t even there. In a strange way, I was happy when he wasn’t.
It showed he wasn’t stuck in time like me, wishing for days long past.
Regardless, it was where I’d spend those days. Alone in my car, lost in my memories. Some might have said it was my penance, but it didn’t feel that way. Not to me. It was a connection, one so frail it was almost non-existent, but a connection nonetheless.
I wasn’t giving that up.
It was the reason why I’d been practically hiding from Arlo these past few months. I knew that the second I was forced to have the conversation with him, I’d lose that connection. I’d lose everything.
Not only was the whole Kevin issue lurking between us, there was a second obstacle too. One I couldn’t seem to move past.
Arlo said he wanted me in his life, even if it was just friends, but I wasn’t an idiot. It wouldn’t take much for us to be back in that place again, where he was getting me off and I wasn’t reciprocating.
Alex and Will had read me the riot act once I’d finally confessed what had happened. Not because of the working relationship between us, or even because of the ten-year age gap.
No, they were furious because Arlo was gay. Us doing that together had probably meant far more to him than I’d realised. Fuck, they’d said it sounded like I’d been using him.
The idea horrified me.
After they’d pointed that out, I’d thought back to all the encounters we’d shared. How something had seemed to dull in Arlo’s eyes afterwards. The way he’d insist we wouldn’t do it again before pulling out my cock just days later.
At the time, I hadn’t thought anything of it, but after reflecting on it, it made me sick to my stomach. Had I unwittingly coerced Arlo into something? Had he thought we were going to end up as a couple?
And then there was the way I’d treated him after. Joking around and cleaning him up before going about my day. Like it was a mutually satisfying transaction and nothing more.
What had been more shocking was when Corey got involved.
“Jack, look, mate. I’m straight. If I picture a guy on his knees for me, it does nothing. Nada. Zilch. Even if he were to start blowing me, I doubt I’d be able to get into it enough to actually come.”
I mean, obviously, I’d realised doing what we had wasn’t exactly straight, but I hadn’t really thought past that. After Corey pointed it out though, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Was I attracted to Arlo enough to want to do something more?
Not that it mattered now that we weren’t speaking, but I was horrified by the extent to which I’d fucked everything up.
As Alex had succinctly put it, I’d behaved like an oblivious cunt. In doing so, I’d likely done the one thing I’d never intended.
Hurt Arlo.
I didn’t know what I wanted from Arlo. If we were friends, would he want more? Did I want more?
For a year or so after the conversation with my friends, I’d questioned whether I was bi, or gay, even. After all, sex with women had never been great—nothing like how I’d felt with Arlo’s mouth on me.
Several failed nights out at various gay clubs with Will and Alex had doused that theory. I’d flirted with men, danced with them, even kissed a couple.
I’d felt nothing. My dick hadn’t so much as twitched.
Corey meanwhile had dragged me out to straight bars. I’d tried the same and got the same results. No one was doing it for me. There wasn’t even the faintest glimmer of attraction.
Maybe I was just broken. Straight, gay, bi…none of those labels felt right for me.
So when Arlo had made it clear he wanted more, the impossibilities hit me in the solar plexus.
How could I be with him if I didn’t know if I could give him everything?
Sure, I was attracted to him when he was on his knees for me, but what if that was as far as it went?
What if I couldn’t bring myself to touch him? To reciprocate?
For fuck’s sake, I didn’t understand anything about my sexuality, and it wasn’t Arlo’s fault. Why should he suffer when I was the one in the wrong?
Imagining having sex with Arlo aroused me. Hell, those fantasies always ended with my hand around my cock as I pictured Arlo beneath me, his head thrown back and hands grabbing the sheets. Him riding me, his calloused hand jacking his shaft, my name on his lips.
I had no problems fantasising about it. But there was an ocean’s worth of difference between fantasy and reality.
If there was even the smallest risk that I couldn’t be what Arlo needed, then I couldn’t be with him. I’d tried with others, thinking that if I was certain what my sexuality was then maybe it’d be okay, but I’d failed every single time.
Two. There were two reasons as to why I couldn’t be with Arlo, but there may as well have been a million. It meant I had to do the other thing he’d asked for.
Stay away from him. For good.
I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew I had to. I respected him enough to want him to be happy, but selfishly, I knew that the second I told him we couldn’t go back to what we were, he’d make me leave.
It made me the most awful fucking person in the world, but I didn’t want that to happen. I was balancing on a tightrope, knowing the fall was inevitable.
But fuck, I was going to make it as far as I could before it happened.
There was more pep in my walk this morning as I jogged to my car. Tomorrow, Kai and Silas were getting engaged. Well, Silas was proposing, and all of us knew Kai would say yes.
To throw him off the scent, Luca and Ollie were throwing a party this evening to celebrate Luca’s birthday. Kai wouldn’t be expecting Silas to have something so elaborate planned the day after a big event.
I whistled as I started the engine and began my drive. For some reason, we’d been asked to be on duty at the party tonight. I had no idea why. The screening that went on ahead of an event coupled with the heavy security measures at their properties meant they usually invited us along as guests.
Tonight though was a scheduled work event for us. Didn’t really make a difference if I was being honest—even as guests, all of us kept on the lookout for trouble. Came with the territory when we were spending time with those we guarded.
Or those we cared about.
Still, it was odd that we’d been required to attend.
I’d messaged Simon, Rhys and Dylan, but none of the other guards knew why either.
It had my hackles rising, but that was normal.
Just about everything made me suspicious.
It was probably just the label being extra cautious.
With Kai and Silas’s relationship splashed over every media outlet, it made sense that they were taking additional precautions.
Whatever the reason, it meant I was going to spend the evening in the same room as Arlo, and I couldn’t fucking wait.
Better yet, because it was in a work capacity, I’d have an excuse to watch him without anyone questioning it.
I’d barely seen Arlo over the last six months, which, as painful as it had been, was a good thing.
If he managed to get me alone, he might demand an answer.
An answer he rightly deserved. One that would allow him to move on and leave me in the past, where I belonged.
Fuck. I really was a terrible person to not just give it to him. If I’d believed in heaven and hell, I would’ve resigned myself to a fiery afterlife a long time ago.
My music cut off as the little screen lit up from an incoming call from Corey. I clicked to answer. “What’s wrong?”
“Why does something have to be wrong for me to call you?”
I snorted. “Mate, you never call me unless you need something.”
“Maybe I just want to see how you’re doing. Where are you at?”
“Heading to work,” I said, stopping at some traffic lights. “Late-night event at Luca’s.”
“And I’m guessing Arlo will be there?”
“Yep.”
There was a long pause before Corey sighed. “Jack, man, what are you doing?”
“My job.”
“You know that’s not what I mean.”
“I have to see Arlo as part of my job, Corey. You know that.”
“But you don’t need to have that job. You know that.”
I banged my head gently against my headrest. “I’m not leaving the band. I can’t.”
“You can,” he said firmly. “Phoenix is up and running now. We’ve got more work than we know what to do with. We could use your expertise.”
“You’re doing fine without me.”
“But you’re part of this,” he countered. “This is your business too.”
Technically he was right. When he, Alex and Will had approached me about setting up a security firm over a year ago, I’d been more than happy to invest. My salary far exceeded my needs, and it wasn’t like my savings were doing anything other than collecting dust.
I’d made it clear that my role as a silent partner was going to be just that—silent. I had no interest in running the business or taking on any work.
Well, that wasn’t strictly true. If I hadn’t had the band, I would’ve signed on in a heartbeat.
“I’ve been with Caffeine Daydreams for almost fifteen years,” I reminded Corey. “I’m not going to leave them.”
“You’re not going to leave Arlo, you mean.”
Corey, like my other friends, couldn’t see why I was putting myself through this day after day. They didn’t understand that even these small glimpses of Arlo were better than cutting him out entirely. “Corey, I’m not quitting. That’s final.”
“You’re a stubborn motherfucker.”
I smirked, even though he couldn’t see me. “Takes one to know one.”
“The job’s there when you change your mind.”
I wouldn’t. I wasn’t walking away from Arlo unless he told me to.