Chapter 21 - Cole
Itossed and turned for the hundredth time in my bed, but sleep was just as evasive as it had been all night. And it wasn’t because of all the little and big noises around the station that made sleep fragmented on the best of days.
Last night’s event played over and over in my head. The play time with Ella, Samir checking us out and getting involved from the kitchen, the tree decorating, and the lighting of the Christmas tree. The kiss. Picture-perfect moments that seemed determined to stay rooted in my brain.
I opened my eyes and sighed.
How could I forget her?
It happened again when Samir came home and spent the evening with us. He made me forget about her. About our dreams for the future. About our plans for our first Christmas with Ella.
How could I have spent three years mourning Sandra’s loss, thinking of her every waking and sleeping moment, and the minute Samir steps into my life she fades into the background? Fades into nonexistence?
A wet streak ran down the side of my face and into my ear, and it was only then I realized I was crying. But I didn’t even know who I was crying for. Was I crying for Sandra, Ella, Samir, or me?
I tried to breathe, to refill my lungs, to find the words to beg for forgiveness, but the more I thought about all this the more fucked up I felt.
What was wrong with me? What was so fucked up about my head that I could forget the love of my life as soon as a pair of handsome eyes looked at me?
That wasn’t moving on. That was blowing through my past like it meant nothing. Like it was nothing. What had I become?
I kept imagining the disapproving look on Sandra’s face. The hurt in her eyes. Pursing her lips, trying to bite down the tears, the anger.
And still, despite that, I couldn’t not think about Samir, about our kisses, about the moments we’d shared, precious moments alone or with Ella, and how happy being with him made me.
For the first time in forever, I could picture a future.
A bright, wonderful future with him. And that hurt more because I shouldn’t be thinking about that.
I barely knew the guy. I didn’t know anything about him in the grand scheme of things.
I didn’t even know if he wanted kids. If our age difference was a deterrent. If anything about me was.
I was sure when everyone talked to me about moving on, that wasn’t what they meant; shacking up with the first person to step into my life. It wasn’t falling for the first handsome guy I dated. Imagining a happily ever after with an unsustainable match.
No. This whole situation was fucked up. Samir fitted into my life way too easily. And that… that wasn’t right.
I wiped my tears away and inhaled deeply, trying to soothe the ache in my chest. Just when it was starting to heal, it seemed to have tripled in the last few days, and it was Samir’s fault.
No.
It wasn’t his fault.
It was mine. There was something wrong with me.
The tears came back, but I wiped them away and tried to close my eyes, to put all this in the back of my mind.
When I managed to find some peace, and I was about to surrender my consciousness to sleep, the siren went off. I had no choice but to shake the exhaustion and the guilt off, get up, and get to work.
Some twenty hours later, I returned home and crashed into my own bed. Haunted by my conscience or not, I had no choice but to nod off.
I woke up Monday morning determined to honor Sandra’s memory in an effort to make up for having let her go so easily.
I took Ella and we visited the cemetery, laid some flowers on the ground, kissed her gravestone, and had Ella talk to Mommy for a bit. Even though it was cold, it warmed my chest to see her be so animated, so invested in her talk as if she were talking to the real person and not just a stone.
Maybe it was wild to be doing this, but it was the only way I knew how to honor Sandra. How to make sure neither Ella nor I forgot her. And I promised both of them we’d visit more often. We’d make sure her mother wasn’t just an excuse Ella used to get out of trouble.
We got back home a little after lunchtime and warmed up in front of the fireplace before I made us something to eat. I didn’t know if it was the cold, or the visit, but I felt refreshed today, despite everything. Refreshed and resolute.
And then my phone beeped.
Samir: Hey. How was your shift? Want to go out later?
The ache in my chest came back tenfold, and my head throbbed just reading the message.
I didn’t know what to say or what to do. What was the right thing to do? If I kept seeing him, what guaranteed me I wouldn’t forget about Sandra altogether?
Thankfully, someone walked into the living room before I could reply, so I put my phone down and turned to face Lilian.
“Cole, sweetheart. You’re here,” she said.
“Lilian? What are you doing here? I don’t think Enzo’s here.”
She took a deep breath as if she was catching her breath and then looked at me.
“I know. He sent me to get you.”
I shot up from the cushion in front of the fire. “Is everything okay?”
“Oh yeah. Nothing bad happened. Rafe is feeling a little poorly so Carson had to send him home, and they were wondering if you could give them a hand.”
“Oh shoot,” I said.
If Rafe was sick, it was serious. He was one of the most reliable people at the Grill. He had to be as the bar manager.
“I would help, but I’ve got Ella,” I said.
“That’s why I’m here!” Lilian said and opened her hands to call Ella into them. “I offered to help but you know the place like the back of your hand. I’d only be a nuisance.”
I nodded and got up.
Christmas was our busiest time, and expectations were even higher than normal as people trusted us with their family gatherings and celebrations.
It also meant all the dickheads that never left the house year-round were out and about who didn’t know how anything worked, let alone a meal at a restaurant, and treated others like servants.
Thankfully, there were the minority as most people were all too grateful. As long as everything went smoothly.
“Okay. Sure. I’ll go get dressed,” I said.
When I came out, Ella was already passed out in front of the fireplace, and Lilian was reading a book she’d grabbed from the bookcase.
“Um, I think that’s raunchy, Lilian,” I said, noticing the title and author.
Lilian smirked.
“I can handle raunchy.”
“It’s gay raunchy.”
“The problem is?” She raised an eyebrow and I almost threw up.
There was just something about my best friend’s mom reading gay sex that made me a little uncomfortable. I wondered how Enzo felt.
“Are you okay, honey?” she asked after a moment when I hadn’t moved or talked.
“Huh? Yeah. I’m good.”
I started to leave when a thought occurred to me, and I turned back to Lilian.
“Can I ask you something?” She nodded. “Why did you never rebuild your life? After Nicolas died.”
Enzo’s dad’s passing had nearly destroyed them both. I think it was part of the reason Enzo ran away from here as soon as he graduated. To escape the loss of his father.
“Of course I rebuilt my life, sweetheart. I had to rethink everything. To have a go at everything by myself. To relearn the things I relied on Nicolas for.”
“But you never… remarried or found someone else,” I said. “I’m sorry. That’s too personal. Forget I said anything.” I turned to leave.
“Hang on,” she said. “What’s all this about?”
I shook my head, trying to dismiss the question.
“Nicolas was the love of my life. It took me so long to get over his loss, and Enzo even longer. I don’t think he’s over it still.”
“Do you mean to tell me you’re over losing him? Is that possible?”
Lilian opened her mouth, then closed it again.
“I don’t mean get over as in I don’t miss him anymore. Or that I don’t think about him anymore. That if I could bring him back into my life, I wouldn’t. I mean that I learned to live with the loss and to not let it define me. Time heals all wounds. Even those that never quite heal.”
“Did you ever… Did you think about finding someone? To try again?”
Lilian smiled and looked me in the eyes.
“Is this about me? Or about you?”
I put my hands up as if I’d been caught red-handed and approached her, sitting down next to her.
“What’s troubling you, sweetie?”
“Samir,” I sighed. “Sandra. This whole situation.”
Lilian pursed her lips and squeezed my knee.
“You feel guilty, don’t you?”
I narrowed my eyes.
“How do you know? You can read minds now too?”
She chuckled.
“Do you think I never dated after Nicolas?”
“You did?”
She nodded.
“But it was hard. And every time it started getting more serious, I felt like I was cheating on my husband.”
“I wish I felt like that. Every time I’m with Samir, I forget about Sandra altogether.”
“In what way?” she asked.
I hesitated and glanced at the floor.
“You… you never had that?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Great,” I sighed. “I’m a monster.”
“Honey, you’re not a monster. What do you mean you forget about her?”
“Exactly what I said. When I’m with him, I forget about her. Not that she existed. Just… She’s not there. In my mind. I’m used to her being in every thought I have that when hours pass while I’m with him, I realize I haven’t thought about her once.”
“Oh, honey. You don’t forget her. You forget the grief and the loss of her. Maybe it’s a good thing.”
“How can you say that? What’s good about forgetting her?”
“You want to know what I think, sweetheart? I think your heart is learning to make space for someone else. And yeah, it might get it wrong in the beginning. It’s learning after all.
But I think that’s all it is. I wouldn’t be afraid of it.
You could never forget Sandra. It’s not possible.
She will always live on in your heart and in your daughter.
But I think it’s okay to stop hurting for a moment and to be happy again.
If Samir does that for you, then that’s wonderful. ”
I bit my lip and pondered over her words. Was Lilian right? Was it my heart learning to love someone else?
“Did you ever find someone that made you forget about Nicolas for a moment?”
Lilian pressed her lips into a sad smile and shook her head.
“And if I did, I wouldn’t let him go for one second. Love is so special, some people never find it once in their lives. Finding it twice? Now that’s something.”
Love?
Was it love I felt for Samir?
Immediately, I went back to Saturday night, to how wonderful it’d been. To how happy Ella had been.
Yeah. Maybe it was love. Or something like it, anyway. It was too soon for love after all, wasn’t it?
“Thanks, Lilian. You’ve helped loads.” I kissed her cheek and made to get up.
“Hang on,” she said and grabbed my hand. “Here. Take this. Wear it until your head is clear.”
She placed an amethyst necklace in my hand and closed my fingers around it. I felt its jagged edges dig into my palm and tickle me.
“Do you just carry these around with you for emergencies?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Of course, darling. What kind of a witch would I be if I didn’t have emergency supplies?” She smirked, and I let out a loud laugh.
I kissed her again, kissed Ella’s forehead, and made my way down the stairs. When I got to the bottom, I put it on and let it do its thing.
I would have asked her what it’s supposed to do, but everyone knew amethyst was the crystal for peace and tranquility. And of course it was what I needed. Peace of mind and to set my feelings straight.
Before I walked out the door, I sent Samir a reply.
Cole: Hey. I’d love to, but I’ve just been called in to help at the Grill. Maybe tomorrow?
He didn’t reply.
But when I arrived at Carson’s Grill, Samir was there, standing outside. He smiled when he saw me.
“What… what are you doing here?”
Samir took my hand and gave it a squeeze.
“What does it look like? I came to help.”
I stopped breathing on the spot. I stopped breathing, looked into at him, and felt the warmth of his touch despite the freezing cold. I looked into his eyes, all the way into his soul, and my heart skipped a beat.
Maybe Lilian was right. Maybe that was my heart making space for him. Would that be so bad?
No. No, I didn’t think so.