The Desire

Chapter 3

Chapter Three

ELOUISE

“ O h my God, this is the best pizza I’ve had in a long time. It’s the different combination of toppings. I’ve never had pumpkin, spinach, feta, and sundried tomatoes before, but man, it’s good.” I’m so full, and Rem has hardly eaten anything. Well, by his standards anyway.

I’ve been trying to fill the silence and talking between mouthfuls, just useless information and stories about my week at school. I even resorted to the first-date style questions—tell me about your family, what music do you like etc.

He answered, but they weren’t long answers. I offered him a drink to calm his nerves and to help him sleep, but he declined, telling me he wanted to be alert in case he was needed. And he doesn’t think he would make a good father. This guy is so protective of anyone in his circle that poor Blaise will be complaining as a teenager that he can’t move a muscle in any direction without Rem knowing.

I know we don’t know yet, but in my mind, I’m already convinced they are father and son.

Exhausted from the night’s turmoil, I’ve packed away all the garbage and cleaned up from earlier, while Rem sat staring out into nowhere.

“I think it’s time for us to go to bed.” And as soon as the words are out of my mouth, his reaction is instant, standing and moving toward me.

Before I can move or say another word, his hands are taking mine. “Together, let’s go to bed together.” He leans forward to kiss me, but I turn my head to the side before he has a chance to catch my lips and instead lands on my cheek.

“That’s not a good idea, Rem.” Pulling back, we look intensely at each other.

“I disagree. I think it will help us both sleep.” His voice is all rugged but not like that voice I remember when he was inside me. He has the deepest sex voice I’ve ever heard, full of lust when we were in that moment, but this is nothing like that. He is almost begging, just like I was to him that night he made my wish come true.

“You will regret it tomorrow.” In my head, I know I will too.

“You’re wrong.” He sounds frustrated.

“I can’t be your quick fuck to drown the anxiety you’re feeling.” My words cut him deep.

“I would never use you like that.” His words are like a knife because he can’t see that he just did.

“Then listen to me and go to bed alone. That’s what you need more than you need me.” I pull my hands from his grasp and turn to walk away.

“Fucking women, they always think they know what’s best,” he calls after me.

“Because we usually do. Good night, Remington.” I walk quickly down the hallway and up the stairs, knowing I need to put as much distance between us as possible before I do something more stupid than Christmas night. If I give in to him, I will end up hating us both for the pain I will feel tomorrow when we slip back into that friend zone that I already know is an awful place to be.

Closing the door to the bedroom I’m staying in and sitting on the big bed, it reminds me of how different our lives are. The whole bottom floor of my house could fit in this one room.

Oh, how I’d love to pick up my phone and call Tori, pouring my heart out and her giving me the advice that I’m doing the right thing. But instead, I’m here, on my own, wanting to scream that I just turned down another night with the man who has turned my world upside down.

Contemplating my decision, I hear Rem walking down the hallway, the floorboards creaking as his feet stop outside Blaise’s door momentarily and then my door. Please keep walking, I’m not sure I’m strong enough to say no a second time. It feels like forever before I hear him move again, continuing to his room and then his door closing.

Good, another barrier between us.

I take my time washing off my makeup and getting into my pajamas, and by the time I lie down in this huge bed that feels like sleeping on a cloud, I thought I would be ready to fall fast asleep. But over and over again, I picture little Blaise lying in the field with his mother for all that time until Adeline found them. Was he cold and hungry? How scared and confused must he have been? I can’t help shedding a few tears for Camille but more for the little boy who will still be so traumatized and now in a country where he has no idea what people are saying or what is going on.

A world of strangers and strange places.

Eventually I can’t hold my eyes open any longer, and I can feel sleep coming. I have no idea what time it is, but I drift off seeing Rem’s eyes full of despair from tonight, and I know sleep won’t be peaceful while I worry about them both.

REMINGTON

There have been plenty of nights I have survived on limited sleep, but nothing a coffee wouldn’t cure. But I’m already two strong coffees down and I still feel like I’ve been run over by a truck, then it stopped, reversed, and ran over me again.

It’s not stopping me, though. I’ve been up since four am working. I couldn’t sleep any longer, and there was no point lying there tossing and turning. I did a quick scan through the security footage of Blaise and Adeline sleeping, not expecting anything, but I just wanted to make sure they were okay. Then I went online to see if I could find anything on Camille or Blaise. It’s not really ethical the way I’m searching, but in my job, sometimes you just need to be able find out things through other channels because there is no time to do it the legal way. The only thing that showed up was Blaise’s birth certificate that listed me as the father, and she gave him her surname Roux as his middle name and my surname as his last name. She didn’t have to list me or give him my name, but part of me is thankful she thought enough of me after our brief encounter to do that.

I didn’t expect much to show up in my search due to her living such a simple life in the mountains. The same with Adeline. Which in a way is satisfying that they aren’t trying to scam me. Again, another thing that helps convince me that Blaise is my son, but I can’t do anything until I know for sure.

Spending the last few hours focusing on what needs to happen, I have my plan and will put it into action once everyone is awake, which also includes learning French on the app I have downloaded already. Nic messaged me and will be here with breakfast by eight o’clock. Tori suggested they get some French pastries and fresh baguettes to make Blaise and Adeline feel at home.

Forrest has already delivered the DNA kit from the lawyer to Nic so he can bring it to me. They have organized for a rush on the results, so we should know in twenty-four to forty-eight hours. We discussed last night that we don’t want everyone here at the moment until Blaise has had time to get used to where he is and not be so frightened, so Nic will just drop everything off to me and leave.

Last night I couldn’t even bear to say his name, but by the time I woke this morning and saw him sleeping so peacefully, there is no denying how much he looks like me. I have to accept the inevitable and let it sink in, that overnight, I’ve become a father whether I like it or not.

My life is not set up for a child, and to be honest, I’m not ready to change anything.

I love my job, and I don’t want to give it up. Plus, I can’t expect Nic to bend my role in the company for me. If there is one role you don’t want compromised in the company, that is the head of security. Yes, he is my friend and will try to help, but I would never take advantage of that. There is a line I don’t want to cross and that’s Nic being my boss when we are working and a friend when we walk away from that position each day. I know there are times that the line blurs, but I don’t want that to be all the time. I respect Nic enough not to put him in that position.

As soon as everyone is awake, I will put my plan into action, get the DNA test underway, and hopefully everything will be sorted by the end of the weekend.

I’m a details man. It’s what I do. I plan things, solve problems, and mitigate risk. And I’m fucking good at it!

My phone and watch both buzz at the same time, letting me know there’s movement and voices in Blaise and Adeline’s room. Nic’s quick breakfast delivery to me a few moments ago has been just in time, and hopefully that will satisfy their hunger, and then we can get on with the day.

I push back my chair from the desk in my office where I had just resettled after talking to Nic at the door and shut down my computers. I need to go and face my responsibilities.

Locking down any emotion that goes with it, I just need to treat all this like a work issue. Identify the problem and solve it.

I’m standing in the kitchen and preparing more coffee, ready for when Adeline and Blaise finally come downstairs. I can hear footsteps coming down the stairs, and I know it’s not them. Instead, they are a set of footsteps that I have memorized since she first stepped into my house last night.

Elouise is awake, and I feel a weight lifting off my shoulders. She is the bridge between me and them.

I’m leaning against the kitchen counter, my third coffee for the morning in my hand, when she walks into the room looking just as tired as I am. Sleep must not have been her friend either.

“Good morning.” Picking up the coffee I made for her off the counter, I hold it out toward her which brings a big smile to her face.

“You’re an angel! Seriously, this is just what I need to wake me.” I can tell she is still reluctant to come too close to me after what I said last night, and I don’t blame her. I’m surprisingly thankful, like she said I would be, that she didn’t give in to me last night. I was so off kilter that I wanted something to ground me, or some one really. It’s my go-to when I want to drown out anything that has made me feel out of control. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, I usually bury myself in a hot sexy woman and forget about the world while we enjoy the high that a hardcore fucking gives you.

“How did you sleep?” Elouise asks me as she takes the first sip of her coffee, and her eyes almost roll back in her head in pleasure.

“I didn’t. Well, not more than a few twenty-minute naps, but I don’t constitute that as sleep.” I open the app on my phone again to check the security camera and see that Adeline and Blaise are still in bed but sitting up and talking. I’m sure she has a lot to explain to him. But it lets me know I still have time to talk to Elouise like I need to.

“Ughh, me too. I tried hard but kept thinking about everything that happened last night. Especially what happened with poor Camille and Blaise. I can’t even imagine that poor little boy?—”

I put my hand up to stop her. I don’t want to picture it, I can’t. There is no time for me to dwell on that. We need to move forward, and the last thing Blaise needs is us taking him back to that awful time.

“What?” There’s confusion in her eyes as she looks at me.

“We have more important things to talk about right now. I think we both know what the DNA test result is going to say.” She nods as she sips more coffee, trying to get her brain to comprehend what I’m saying. “I have a proposal for you which I think makes sense. You speak fluent French, and I don’t speak more than a few words. Blaise is going to need someone to help him, plus teach him English so he can assimilate into living here and get ready to go to school. I have searched his records, and he is four years old, so we have a bit of time.”

“Wait, what are you saying?” I can see the coffee is starting to take hold as she stands up straighter, paying attention to my words.

“Don’t interrupt, I’m getting to that.” I can’t help my abruptness this morning.

“I never realized how bossy you can be.” The smirk on her face is not doing anything for me.

“You are about to find out.” I push up from my lean on the counter and place my cup in the sink then turn back to her.

“I’ve decided you should come and work for me. Be my translator and English teacher, as well as Blaise’s nanny. I don’t know how to care for a child, and to be honest, I don’t have the time. You will move in with us, care for him, integrate him into this life, and travel with me if needed at any time. I will pay you far more than you currently receive. We will start moving your things in on Monday…” I pick up my phone and push send on the email of the employment letter of offer I drafted early this morning.

“What the hell are you talking about? I’m not moving anywhere, and I have a job that might not pay well but that I love. And besides that, what makes you think I would want to work for someone so arrogant!” Slamming her coffee cup on the counter, she storms toward me, poking her finger into my chest over and over. “ You’ve decided? Who the hell do you think you are? I’m the only one who decides what I do in my life, asshole.”

Both of us freeze at the sound of a little boy’s voice in the distance. Her eyes dart to the door entering the kitchen and back to me. “This discussion isn’t over,” she hisses in an agitated whisper, stepping back from me.

“Open the email I just sent to you, and you’ll see that it is actually over. It’s an offer you can’t refuse,” I say, forcing the point that I won’t take no for an answer on this.

I need her here, end of story!

Both of us move apart and face the doorway, and Adeline enters sheepishly, holding the little boy’s hand in hers, but he’s hiding behind her legs. All I can see is the mop of black curls starting to peek around the side of her and one little eye trying to assess his surroundings.

“ Bonjour, Adeline. Bonjour, Blaise .” Elouise’s voice is her normal soft caring voice she used last night when around Adeline. I’ve got to hand it to her, she turned off the attitude she was about to unleash on me like the flick of switch.

“ Bonjour, Monsieur Elders, Mademoiselle Elouise ,” Adeline timidly replies, but her eyes keep flitting between us, trying to work out what she should do next.

“Please tell her to call me Remington, and she doesn’t need to be scared of me,” I say, looking at Elouise who glares back.

“Debatable,” she mumbles under her breath, before she translates my wishes to Adeline.

“ Merci, Remington .” Adeline smiles slightly for the first time as she replies to me.

“ Bonjour, Adeline and Blaise,” I say. Hearing his name from me has his little head popping out from behind her legs and his eyes opening wide.

“ Papa .” He gasps, and that one word I never thought I would hear referring to me falls from his lips. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up but not in a good way. From sheer fear. This is my worst nightmare standing in front of me.

If I have learned one thing over the years it is never show your fear. Don’t give it any power over you. Push through it. It’s the only way to get to the other side. Take the emotion out of the situation. If I can jump from a plane from ten thousand feet, then I can talk to a four-year-old.

The problem is that he isn’t just any four-year-old, he’s my four-year-old.

Fuck!

Once again Elouise takes the reins and walks forward, creeping down to talk to Blaise at his eye level. I can tell he is listening to her, but his eyes haven’t left mine. It’s like looking at my younger self, and it feels weird, like an alternate universe.

Hearing Elouise’s voice in English brings me out of my daze.

“I have explained that you are happy to meet him and that you are glad he is here to stay with you. He is also hungry, so I told him his papa would get some yummy food for him.” Standing from where she was crouching with Blaise, she takes his hand slowly from Adeline, leading him to the stool at the kitchen counter.

“Rem, food?” she snarks in her not-so-sweet tone. Oh yeah, she’s still pissed at me.

Moving to place the platter of pastries and bottles of juice on the counter where I already had plates and glasses set up, Elouise puts an apple pastry on the plate for Blaise and the innocence of a little boy who is hungry overrides his fear of me.

Taking his first bite, I can see him starting to look around my kitchen which is probably like nothing he has ever seen before. Unless things had changed, Camille didn’t have any television in the mountain cabin, and there is no internet service that far up, so it’s not likely he would have seen anything more than the homes in his village and maybe the occasional trip to Paris, but that is doubtful. And even if he did, then he wouldn’t have visited anything like this place.

Adeline and Elouise are chatting between them, and I’ve had enough of being left out. As I found out last night, Blaise doesn’t speak English, but Adeline does, so she will talk to me even if it is difficult.

“What are you talking about? I’m in this room too and not just a fu…dgsicle statue on the wall.” For fuck’s sake, I can’t even swear in my own home anymore. Seriously!

The giggle that Elouise is trying to keep in just makes me more agitated.

“Don’t you laugh at me. This is not funny.” Pointing my finger at her, my annoyance comes out in my voice when I see Blaise wince. Shit, now I’ve scared him.

“Oh, but if you could see yourself, Rem, the master of control and a man who loves to drop a few swear words, then you would know how funny this is and will continue to be. Should I start the swear jar now?” I want to tell her to fuck off, but I can’t as she continues to laugh but out loud now. Adeline looks between us, so confused.

“Enough!” I growl but in a whisper so as not to put any more tension in the room. Finally stopping her, I turn my attention back to Adeline.

I lower my voice and try to lose the annoyance that is biting at me below the surface. This is my damn house, and I will be the one in control of what happens here. Not be dictated to by a woman that is currently driving me crazy.

“I know English is hard for you, Adeline, but please try. I would like to be able to talk to you and be part of the conversation too,” I say, glaring at Elouise so she understands how pissed I am with her and the whole situation.

“Yes, Monsieur Remington, I try.” She’s still looking at me with that gravity of fear in her eyes. She is so far out of her depth that I’m pretty sure she will say yes to anything I ask. But that’s not the point.

“Thank you. I appreciate it, and please call me just Remington, no need for monsieur, okay?” I feel the tension in my shoulders finally start to ease, being able to speak and join the conversation.

“Okay.” She nods her head.

“Would you like a coffee, Adeline?” I ask, knowing how much she is probably in the desperate need of some morning caffeine. It’s been an intense few days, I’m sure.

“ Merci .” Finally, she takes one of the pastries too.

Moving back to the coffee machine, my back to them all, I take a few deep breaths so I can settle them both in, especially Blaise. I’m not ready to be a father, but I also don’t want his first impression and memory of me to be of someone he fears. I love my father and can’t ever imagine being afraid of him.

Oh shit, Mum and Dad. That’s a conversation I’m not looking forward to. They will be so excited and want to be involved, which will just make things worse at the moment. I know it’s wrong, but I’m going to keep this from them until I have a handle on it all or can at least communicate a little with Blaise.

I place the coffee down in front of Adeline with the sugar if she needs it and start with the first question I have.

“How long are you staying here in London, with Blaise?” I would never ask her to leave, but I need to know so I can plan.

“Leave, um… tomorrow, yes, Sunday.” She just freely replies like it’s no problem.

“Wait, what? You can’t leave that quickly.” I look at Elouise in desperation. “Tell her, Elouise. That’s ridiculous to just dump Blaise here and leave him alone with a complete stranger.”

“Oh, look, already he is giving in. I thought you didn’t need me to translate anymore.” The sarcasm in her voice makes me want to push this point about how I told her this morning about how I needed her, but she didn’t want to hear it.

“Not stranger… you Papa. I need to go home to my kids.” At this point I’m not even sure she is talking about her own children or the goats.

For fuck’s sake, this is a complete shit show, and it hasn’t even been a day yet. How the hell am I supposed to look after a boy who is scared out of his brains and deal with little miss pain in the ass Elouise next to me, looking so pleased with herself as she watches me struggling.

“You will stay a week,” I tell her before I even have a chance to stop the words from coming out my mouth.

“Rem, stop. You can’t tell her what to do. Don’t be so rude.” Elouise is up, with her hands on her hips. What the hell was I thinking that having this woman in my house would make my life easier?

“The poor kid will be so scared if she just dumps him and runs. What sort of person does that?” I know if we were on our own, Elouise and I would be yelling at each other by now, but both of us are trying to keep the tone of our voice on an even level.

“I am sorry, I cannot stay. Camille say you look after him. Not my son,” Adeline interjects with a little more force into the conversation.

“That would be great if I even knew I had a son, or time to prepare to look after him.” My mind is racing at how I’m going to do this.

Remember – face your fear and then run straight through it.

“Welcome to parenthood, idiot, you have to learn on the run, adapt and change. So, get ready to start sprinting, and for God’s sake, show both Adeline some respect and Blaise some kindness. I mean, she has been through a lot to bring him to you. She could have just dumped him in an orphanage in France or even raised him as her own.” Elouise is trying to appeal to my heart. She hasn’t realized yet I don’t have one.

I know I shouldn’t have even let the thought enter my head, but Adeline raising Blaise would have been a perfect solution for everyone.

“Don’t you dare even contemplate that, I can see it written all over your face. Man up!” Looking into Elouise’s eyes is like waving the red flag in front of a bull.

How dare she question me like that.

“Fine. Do the test. Once we get the results Adeline can leave, but not until then. What if he’s not mine?” I say, standing my ground with both of them.

The women look at each other and then at Blaise who is just quietly eating and confused by all the talking, and then they look back at me.

“See him.” Adeline points at Blaise, and they both start laughing.

“She’s right, just look at him, Rem. If he’s not yours, I will eat my hat.” She sits herself back down at the counter while they both continue to giggle at me.

I want to argue with her, but I can’t.

The DNA test is really only for my peace of mind and the lawyers. I know he’s mine.

“Now sit down and eat, and if it’s at all humanly possible, maybe try to make friends with your son. You have a long road ahead of you, and it starts today.”

I’m too wound up to say anything else, so I find myself sitting on the stool next to Blaise and taking an apple pastry the same as his, shoving it in my mouth before I can get myself in any more trouble.

Looking straight ahead at the window that faces the back garden, I’m hoping the sight of the sun will bring some sort of calming feeling washing over me.

Not happening.

My blood is pumping loudly in my ears from the frustration.

The kitchen is filled with silence as the conversation stops, and the only sound I can hear is the chewing of breakfast and the slurping of coffee.

Then the softest voice breaks the silence with a few little French words.

“ Papa, où est ma maman ?” Blaise reaches out and touches my arm, and the warmth I feel shocks me.

Looking into his eyes, I can tell he already trusts me, and he doesn’t even know me.

Elouise’s voice is almost a sniffle when she repeats for me, “Papa, where is my mama?”

Oh, Blaise, I don’t know how I’ll help you get through this, but I promise to try.

And in this moment, I can feel him start to chip away at my heart to let him in.

If only it were that easy, buddy. I just don’t know if I have it in me.