The Desire

Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

ELOUISE

I ’m sitting in the back of the car as we slowly drive down the street where Rem parked, and all I see is the back of him disappearing through a black door with nothing on it. The windows on the building are painted black, and I can’t see anything to tell me what is inside.

My first thought is to ask Art if he knows what that business is, but I don’t know if I really want the answer. It doesn’t look how I imagined a gym looking.

Next door to it is another similar-looking building. One single door, windows that are covered up, and a sign above the door that isn’t huge but enough you can read it. It just says in red writing Strip Club, and that’s it. Which to me screams that it really isn’t, because they aren’t really advertising it well. My gut feeling is that it’s probably a brothel, which even though they are illegal, still exist in lots of back streets like this.

I can’t be here anymore and need to leave before I overthink it. I can’t see Rem being the kind of man to visit a brothel, but then again, how much do I really know about him? Sure, I know about his family, friends, his work life, but do I know anything about his past? He traveled, and of course that led him to become a father when he always said he never wanted to be. But I don’t know why he didn’t want kids or why at thirty-six he has never had a serious relationship. The only thing I know for sure is that inside that seedy-looking building is a woman whose name is Cherie and that I know nothing about. Who she is or what she is. My mind is racing, and I’m so confused.

“Take me home please, Art.” Looking back at me with compassion in his eyes, he doesn’t say a word, just nods and then accelerates away.

Small little tears escape down my cheeks as the reality of the last twenty-four hours hits me.

This is why I didn’t think it was a good idea, Rem and me. There is too much at stake, and the first bump in the road is now derailing us far quicker than I expected. I truly don’t even know what happened after Tori started on the date thing, except that rage was consuming Rem, and he was having trouble holding it back. I always knew I would struggle with my emotions, but I figured he would be better at keeping calm than I was. Clearly, I was mistaken, because if the phone call hadn’t come when it did, then I don’t know how it would have ended up.

But with all that, I still didn’t deserve the cold shoulder I got this morning. Then for him to leave me standing there, obviously upset, to go to another woman for whatever reason, and have the hide to tell me that’s what he was doing, has me feeling like I want to vomit.

I rest my head against the window, feeling so lost.

This is the time where you run to a friend to vent about the man in your life, and she either tells you that you are being dramatic, or you both devise a plan to make him pay for being a dick. But that’s my problem. I have done this to myself by keeping the whole relationship a secret from my best friend.

Walking into the house feels cold and different. Like all of a sudden, I don’t belong here. That I have been living a life that wasn’t really mine to live. If Rem and I were truly meant to be together then this wouldn’t be so hard. We would have been able to date and spend time with friends, feeling their support of us becoming something. Maybe it’s a sign from the universe that this isn’t meant to be. That I don’t belong in this world of wealth and high-powered people. The simple life of a teacher in a suburban school, living in my tiny home, is sounding more appealing every minute.

I really should be doing some housework, which always annoys Rem because he pays people to clean for him, but it makes me feel useful when I am home on my own. But instead, I’m just sitting in the chair out in the sunroom. This is one of my favorite rooms in the house, well, besides the bedroom, but that’s not for the décor, I can assure you. There are big comfortable couches that are a dark rust color. The cushions are ones that your body sinks into, and every couch has a throw over the back of it. The glass along the back wall of the house lets the light in, and you almost feel like you are sitting outside in the garden but with the comfort and warmth of inside. The room is full of potted plants and even a couple I have planted with Blaise whose eyes lit up at getting his hands dirty. He has left a life on the land and been placed in the middle of a city, full of big buildings, traffic, and millions of people. I know it’s important to keep him connected to the land whenever we can. Nic and Tori’s farm is great for that, and I could see in the look that Rem had last time we were there that he is thinking about a farm of his own down the track.

But knowing him and his adrenaline-junkie world, it would probably be full of dirt bike racetracks, obstacle courses, and other dangerous things he could find. A place that both he and Blaise would love and I would be freaking out like crazy that one of them would get hurt as soon as they step out the back door of the house.

I stop the dream from going any further in my head because I don’t know if I would even be there. I desperately want to be, but it’s still such an unknown.

For all my fears, and the things I don’t know about Rem yet, there is one thing that has become abundantly clear to me last night. I love this man, and I don’t want to lose him. I’ve felt such a connection from that first night but was dismissing it because I knew nothing could come of it. Yet life has a funny way of playing the game, and now I’m snuggled down into a couch in his home, wrapped in his blanket that smells like him, fearing that even though I managed to have him as mine, it’s about to be ripped away from me.

I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here feeling sorry for myself when my phone starts buzzing next to me. Snatching it so quick from on the couch beside me, I almost drop it on the floor but catch it last minute and swipe the screen before it stops ringing, even though I can’t see who it is with my fumbling. I’m desperately hoping it’s Rem, but the voice that comes through the speaker isn’t him, and although I wouldn’t have called her, hearing Tori on the other end of this call is a comforting relief from going insane inside my head.

“Lou, just checking in. How you are today?” She sounds less chirpy than usual, but that’s to be expected.

“Hi, hun, yeah, fine.” I’m not, but I can’t say that.

“Great, then you are one less person I need to be worrying about. I’m trying to hold down the fort in here today, and three out of four of the guys are missing in action from the office. I mean, I get it. Nic is trying to focus and is working from home. Flynn, well, nobody expects to see him for a few days, and Rem is probably out doing some ninja shit tracking down the scum who has put us all in this position.” I can hear the worry in her voice for the men who have all become her family. “At least Forrest is here, and between the two of us we are handling the media shit storm as best as we can with the PR team. One thing my fiancée does well is hire staff who are awesome at their jobs. Rohan, our head of PR, has been amazing and worth every bit of whatever he is being paid. Hell, he deserves a bonus after this one. The way he is spinning this has Flynn sounding like a saint in the public eye, and you and I both know he is more like the devil in disguise when it comes to women.”

“Speaking of Flynn, how is he? Have you spoken to him?” My heart really feels for him. Nobody wants their naked body or private business shared with anyone, let alone the whole world.

“No, Nic told me to leave him alone, because apparently, I can be annoying and never know when to shut up. Can you believe that? How fucking rude, even if he has a point.”

Even as shitty as I feel, I can’t help giggling at that comment. It’s so spot-on, but it’s why we all love her.

“Yeah, yeah, you are both so funny… not!” Tori stops to let me get my laughing under control. “Anyway, I haven’t, but Nic has seen him and is keeping an eye on him. He’s tough, he’ll bounce back and probably come out of this lapping up his newfound popularity, you know what he’s like.”

“He might be strong, but this a pretty big thing, and it’s not going away anytime soon.” Thinking of how I would feel if it was me, I doubt I would ever leave my home again.

“True, but you don’t get this far in such a high-profile role without growing tough skin. He’ll shake it off, I guarantee it.”

And that’s the part of this life I don’t think I would ever manage to accept. Once you become so successful, then you become public property whether you like it or not. Tori has taken to it like a fish to water, but she already had the strong character before she met Nic. He just helped her to gain the confidence to use it.

Me, on the other hand, I’m nothing like Tori. Where she springs out of the box throwing her hands in the air and cheering to anyone who will listen, I’d be the opposite and slowly peeking my head over the top of the box, making sure no one is looking, then I’d stand up, climb straight over the edge of the box, and get to the side of the room and just blend in with all the other people, hoping like hell nobody noticed me.

“You’re probably right. Is there anything I can do to help?” I know the answer will be no, but it’s what you do, you offer anyway.

“The guys have this under control as much as they can, so no, but what you can do for me is give me a distraction. We need to sort out what you are wearing to the event on Friday. We only have three days, and you need to be looking super sexy so we can lure this guy in.”

Without restraint, I groan loudly into the phone. “Tori. This is a really, really bad idea.”

“Oh, shut up, this is the best idea I’ve had in ages. Plus, it’s a safe space, you know, with all of us there. If you think he’s a dickhead or boring as hell, you can just give me the sign and I’ll have a fake girl moment, and we can leave him with the guys to deal with.”

“The last thing the guys need right now is dealing with my stupid fake date.” I squeeze my eyes shut, knowing I just said the wrong thing. I haven’t had enough sleep to be talking to Tori with a filter on.

“Bitch, there’s nothing fake about this date. He’s smoldering hot, and you are perfectly single and ready to mingle. It’s a perfect scenario. Now stop pretending you aren’t ready to find love. I can tell you it’s the best place to be, and I won’t give up until you are as happy as I am. That’s what best friends do, we have each other’s backs.”

How the hell do I get out of this? I’m just going to have to play along and then pull the sick card on the night of and stay locked in my bedroom at home because I’m stuck pretending to be running to the toilet.

“I know I’ve said this millions of times over the years, but why do I let you talk me into these stupid things?”

“Yay! I knew you would see it my way. And I believe the answer is that I bully you into doing things that then turn out to be spectacular. So tomorrow, when Blaise goes back to preschool, I’ll meet you in town and we will get a dress and shoes. Oh, and some racy lingerie. Yes!” I can hear her clapping her hand down on the table with excitement.

“No. Stop right there. A dress and that’s it. I won’t be needing anything like that. It’s a dinner and that’s it.”

I sit up straight in the seat and the blanket slides off me onto the floor as I’m battling to pull Tori back from going for a full-blown Elouise makeover that she’s been nagging me to do for months.

“Mm-hmm, whatever you say. You are aware that I know all your measurements, right?” Her giggle tells me I’m trying to row up the river without a paddle.

“You are ridiculous. You can buy what you like, but you can’t make me wear it. I’m going to be wearing my big white granny undies and a full big bra with not one piece of lace or color on it.”

“Why are you being like this? Come on, let me help you, and I guarantee you will walk out of the charity auction Friday night with first prize. And just think, when you are married and having kids, you won’t need to worry when they get sick. Daddy can get up in the middle of the night when they are puking everywhere. It’s a win-win situation.”

“Seriously, Tori, have you been drinking today?” No matter what, she still makes me laugh.

“No, you should know this is what happens when they give me too much coffee. I should stick to the tea I love, but they figured I needed some energy to get through the day. I’m sure they are regretting that decision now.” Both of us laugh together because I’ve seen what too much caffeine or alcohol does to Tori. One makes her hyperactive and the other gives us crazy Tori, the one we need to look after before she gets herself into trouble. Thank God that’s now Nic’s problem, not mine.

“Oh, shit, I have to go, Nic’s trying to call me. Talk later, and don’t you dare think about backing out of this. I’ll drag you there kicking and screaming if I have to. Bye.”

Sitting in silence with the phone still in my hand, I can’t help but laugh. Picturing Tori here, me in my old gym pants and my favorite big baggy sweater, with the pocket at the front and a hood I hide inside if I want to just take a moment to myself. Tori trying to lift me onto her shoulder and carry me out of here, dressed like that, and not caring as long as she gets me to the stupid dinner.

Looking at my watch, I have another hour before I’m due to pick up Blaise, and I should probably eat something. I skipped breakfast this morning, and it’s past lunchtime. I just couldn’t stomach anything and wasn’t at all hungry, but now I’m starting to feel like I need something to fuel me to get through an afternoon and night with an energetic four-year-old.

Standing and then dragging my feet toward the kitchen, I hear the front gate opening and the sound of the Porsche pulling up to the front of the house.

My body is frozen still from anxiety. I don’t know if I should continue to the kitchen so I’m busy doing something or run to the room that is supposed to be my bedroom and hide, but before I can get my legs to move, the decision is taken out of my hands. The front door swings open, and standing there looking at me is Rem. Instead of bursting into tears, which was my first thought the moment I heard his car, the anger from this morning comes roaring to the surface, and I walk toward him with purpose, yelling at him.

“Who the fuck is Cherie and why were you visiting her in a brothel!” I ram my hand into his chest with the full force of the emotions I’m feeling right now.

“Whoa. What the fuck are you talking about!” Rem has my hand in his and pushes me away from him. Slamming the front door behind him, he drops his bag on the floor.

“Bedroom now! We need to talk!” His voice is annoyingly calm but still firm.

“Bedroom? Not a chance. I’m not talking in there. You can start explaining yourself right here, right now.” I stand my ground, well, I try to, until he grabs my hand and starts pulling me into the living room. He pushes me down into one of the couches and sits down next to me. He grabs my legs and spins me to the side so we are facing each other and there is no hiding.

“Fine, we start talking here, but I will be finishing this conversation in the bedroom with you naked and forgetting whatever it is you are pissed at me for. Because I can assure you that whatever you think you know or saw, it is the furthest it can possibly be from me visiting a brothel.” How the hell does he do that? Curb his emotions enough that he speaks clearly, states his point, but makes sure you understand he isn’t happy with you. I can’t seem to manage the same as the screaming comes from my lips again.

“I had no idea what was happening, then you turn up here, looking like shit which, I get from the night you must have had, but then you treat me like crap, refuse to talk to me, and take off like a lunatic in the car, telling me you are going to see some woman I have never heard of.”

The lines on his forehead are tight, his lips in a straight line, but he holds his tongue, waiting for me to get it all out.

“That’s not normal, you have never treated me like that, ever! I was pissed, so pissed, and decided if you wanted to act like an asshole then I’d follow you and show you what it’s like. Everyone thinks I’m this meek and mild teacher, well, guess what. You back me into a corner, and I’ll come at you like the biggest bitch. I’m not weak, I have more strength than any of you realize. But then I saw you walk into that brothel, and my heart broke into a million pieces. How could you?” Leaning forward, I thump him in the chest again. “What does she have that I don’t? You promised me that it was just us, only us.”

The anger is being overtaken now by tears, and I can’t breathe.

“I was ready to fight for you… but in that one moment you threw us away, and I don’t know what to do with that.”

My vision is blurred from the tears, but I don’t need perfect vision to see how furious Rem is with all I’m saying.

Trying to fill my lungs with air is difficult, but Rem looks like he is breathing like a freight train, and the nagging thought that has been plaguing me all day finally falls from my lips.

“Is that where you have been all the times you left the house, at odd times of night and whenever things got awkward? Instead of dealing with it, you just run to some trashy whore to make it all better?” And now the sob that I’ve been holding in all day comes out, and I can’t control it. All I want is for him to tell me it’s not true and take me in his arms, but instead, he just stands slowly, taking a step backward, putting distance between us.

The only sound in the room is me crying, and then Rem takes a deep breath and starts speaking.

“You know me. Think about it deep down, who I truly am. I can’t even find words to talk to you now. I’ll pick up Blaise and drop him back here so you don’t have to go out. That should give you time to pull yourself together. I’ll stay at the hotel for a few nights. I need space to process all that.”

He walks away from me for the second time today and still hasn’t told me a thing.

“What the hell? I haven’t done anything wrong, and yet you are treating me like I’m the problem. Is this what you do when it gets hard, run away? Back to her!” Jumping up from the couch, I follow him to the door. I’m getting sick of only seeing the back of him.

Rem stops with his hand on the front door handle, about to open it. Not even bothering to turn and look at me, his words have no emotion and cut me like a knife. “That’s the irony of all this, Elouise. For the first time, I don’t need to go back to Cherie. The only person that I thought I needed was you… but now I’m not so sure.”

Opening the door, he starts stepping out, and I’m not letting him have the last say.

“Fine, fuck off then. Don’t come back until you are ready to apologize and talk about it. Or go stay with your whore but don’t bother ever coming back home if you do. You won’t be welcome!”

The voice I hear from him now is one I don’t like and full of sarcasm but not a piece of humor. “Like you can throw me out of my own house.” He spins and glares at me like there is not one ounce of love left in his body for me.

“Watch me, asshole!” Slamming the door as hard as I can, I gasp for air, dropping to my knees and sobbing uncontrollably.

Curling myself into a ball on the floor, I just repeat to myself over and over. “No, no, no, no.” This can’t be happening. I thought I loved him, but now I don’t know who that man was.

I’m still lying there long after the tears have stopped because there is no more water left. The alarm on my phone starts ringing from my pocket. It’s the one I set so I’m never late to pick up Blaise, only apparently today I’m not needed. My heart starts racing because I need to get upstairs and make sure I look normal for when Blaise gets home. There is no way I want him to panic that anything is wrong. There have been a few times where he gets anxious about Rem if he is late when he says he will be home for dinner or he can’t see me watching him in the park. He was young to lose his mum in the way he did, so it’s completely normal he is still clingy at times.

Standing in front of the mirror and taking one look at myself is the shock I need to make me take a deep breath, pull my shoulders back, and push aside the anguish for the moment. I have a little boy who needs me. And no man gets to make me feel like that. The longer I stand giving myself the pep talk, there is a nagging feeling in my gut that something just doesn’t add up. Rem didn’t deny he’s been with Cherie, but the way he spoke to me was like I was the disappointment. It doesn’t make sense, and a man like that would just own it if he had been caught out. He doesn’t owe me anything. After all, I’m just his nanny, and he could have just told me to leave for speaking to him like that. The timing would have been difficult with the Flynn saga, but he would have sorted it. Instead, he left me in his house, the one he has told me how much it has now become a home since Blaise and I arrived. But more importantly, he left Blaise, his son, the little boy who has stolen his heart, here with me and didn’t seem one bit worried about it, giving both of us space to process this mess.

Nothing makes sense, and I know what I need to do.

I am going to regret it, I already know that, but I can’t do this on my own anymore.

I splash my face with some cold water, drying my eyes and putting on a bit of light makeup to cover the dark circles and puffy eyes from Blaise. That little boy is so gentle and in tune with others that if I don’t glam up a bit, he will be asking questions.

Then I push the button on my phone and call in the cavalry, knowing that she’ll be happy to charge in with all guns blazing.

“Hi, sorry to bother you when I know you are so busy, but can you come over tonight? I need to chat.”

“You okay?” And that is why I love my friend. No matter what is happening in her life, she is always worrying about others.

“Yeah, sort of. Just need a girls’ night, it’s been a while.”

“Girls’ night. Fuck, yeah, that’s exactly what I need too,” Tori yells into the phone. “What time, and I’ll bring the food, wine, and is it a full-fare girls’ night that requires copious amounts of chocolate?”

“Is that even a question? How long have you known me? It’s in the by-laws of girls’ night that there must be chocolate for every meeting. Geez, you move on to caviar and champagne and forget where you came from.” As much as my heart is so heavy, my stomach rolling and the tightness in my chest feeling like an elephant is sitting on it, Tori can still make me laugh.

“My apologies, I’ll make up for that and bring your favorite dinner. A roast from the pub on Georgian Street. With extra pumpkin and lots of gravy.” Both of us giggle at the ridiculousness of our conversation, but it’s made me feel stronger knowing I just need to get through this afternoon, put Blaise to bed, and then I can finally let my walls fall.

The chocolate is for me, but I know I’m going to need it to calm Tori down once I drop this bombshell on her.

The next hour was awful when Rem walked Blaise to the door, greeted me with a nod, and then left while I stood there just trying to get a read on him. My brain is trying to fathom what the hell happened today and who the man is, that no matter what I’m feeling, I still love deeply and am not ready to let go. Until he stands and looks me in the eye, admitting that he screwed a hooker and has been cheating on me this whole time, I can’t walk away from him. There has to be more to this that I’m just not seeing and for some reason he’s not telling me.

Blaise was full of conversation about his day and a new little boy, Jules, who started at the preschool in his class today. I know children his age can pick up a language quickly, but it truly has surprised me the speed his English has come along. I never knew his mother, but of course his father is a very intelligent man, except not when it comes to women and relationships it seems.

Thankfully, because he had such a big day at preschool, Blaise was out like a light at seven o’clock, and by the time Tori came through the door at seven-thirty with her arms full of dinner, alcohol, and chocolate, I was so hungry because I still hadn’t eaten. I have to say it was the best-tasting roast I have had for a long time. Everyone has a list of comfort foods, and a roast beef dinner is at the top for me. My mum’s will always be number one, but this one runs a close second.

Clearing up from dinner, Tori pours us both a big glass of red wine, grabs the bag that’s overflowing with Maltesers, Orange Twirls, which are my favorite, and Kit Kats, with of course several different-flavored blocks of Cadbury. This woman is on to me that something is going on, because there is about a week’s worth in this bag.

My heart is pounding, and for the last forty-five minutes, I have been trying to work out how to start this conversation, but as I take a deep breath and am about to open my mouth and start, Tori looks at me with a wicked grin.

“Right, now what the fuck is going on between you and Remington?” There is no anger, just her straight-shooting voice.

My mouth drops open wider, and all I can manage to say is, “How did…”

“Never mind, and yes, you’re in trouble, but we will work that out later. Right now, I just want to know, who fucked it up and how are we going to fix it?”

Falling into her arms, I thank the universe for the day Tori walked into my life.

My tears are falling and I’m laughing at the same time. “Of course, you knew. I’m so stupid.”

“Well, who else would have put that huge hickey on your neck in Scotland that you tried so hard to hide? I doubt it was the horny ghost you told me about.”

I love my best friend, full stop, end of story.