Chapter 31
THIRTY-ONE
______
CALUM
My fingers hover over the keys of my crappy old laptop as I reread my newly updated resume for the tenth time.
The machine is so old it won’t even turn on unless it’s plugged into the charger.
But the laptop I’ve been using the last couple of years belonged to Rush.
I had to turn it in before I left. Then I was escorted from the building, to ensure I didn’t try to steal any privileged client information on my way out the door. That wasn’t humiliating at all.
Lifting my glass, I take a deep swallow of rum and Coke. Heavy on the rum. Light on the Coke. It’s my third. I barely managed to wait for the sun to set before indulging. After mainlining coffee all afternoon while working at my cramped dining table, I needed the alcohol to settle my jitters.
Thankfully, Hannah worked today and then she went to university for a lecture tonight.
I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t want anyone to see me like this.
When my phone started to ring and ping with messages a half an hour ago, I turned it off.
If hiding away to lick my wounds is cowardly of me, I’ll cop to it tomorrow. Tonight, I want to be alone.
I pick up my empty coffee mug and run my thumb back and forth over the words printed on the side.
World’s Best Manager. I’m pretty sure my chance of earning such a lofty title evaporated the moment I had sex with my client.
Genevieve was right to fire me, even if she did try to use my job as a means to manipulate me.
The knowledge my professional misconduct would have been overlooked if I’d agreed to further misconduct makes anger burn low in my gut.
What I did was bad, but at least the feelings behind my actions were genuine.
What she offered to do today? That was pure self-interest.
The chances of me landing another management job after being fired within a year of my promotion are slim.
That’s if Genevieve and Arthur don’t decide to leak news of my indiscretion to their business contacts.
If they do, getting a new job will require someone to look the other way on what I’ve done, which would make them no better than Rush.
Either way, the death knell on my career is clanging and I have no idea how to make it stop.
There’s a sudden pounding on the front door and I jump. Rising from the table, I look through the peep hole. My eyes slide closed on a sigh, and I rest my forehead against the door for a moment, before stepping back to open it.
“Thank god, you’re here.” Johnny barrels through the doorway to wrap his arms around me. “What’s happened?”
My own arms remain at my side, even as I turn my face into the curve of his neck, breathing the scent of him deep into my lungs. I hate that everything is going to change. That we won’t get to work together anymore.
Slowly, I pull away to look at him. “I assume you’ve heard from Rush?”
Nodding, he tells me about the conversation he had with Ned on his way here. I’m not surprised Arthur has already been in touch. He’ll want to make his control of Fifth Circle official as soon as possible. “Did you really get fired?” he asks.
When I nod, he swears under his breath. “It’s because of me, isn’t it? They found out about us.”
Another nod and then I’m turning away. I drop back into my seat at the table and pick up my glass. “Arthur saw us at the festival. He followed us to the bus stop.” I toast him before draining what’s left of my drink.
With a groan, he sits in the chair opposite me. “Damn it, you warned me this would happen. I should have been more careful. I should have stayed the hell away from you. Except I don’t know how anymore.” He looks at me, his brown eyes stricken. “I’m so sorry, Cal.”
I manage a shrug. “We were kidding ourselves, thinking we could hide it.” A snort escapes me. “I guess now we don’t have to.”
A hint of a smile curves Johnny’s mouth. “I suppose that’s true.” With a sigh, he leans forwards, resting his elbows on the table. “What do we do now? There must be some way to fix this.”
I close my laptop and push it aside before grabbing a pen and opening my notebook to a fresh page.
Writing down a short list of names, I tear the page out and hand it to Johnny.
“When you go to the meeting on Friday, insist on working with one of these people. They’ll try to push Arthur on you.
Don’t let them. Yes, he’s the most experienced and he has the best connections, but he’s not a good fit for Fifth Circle.
” I lift my gaze to meet his. “Do not let Arthur get his hands on Ned.”
Johnny scowls at the list in his hands. “What are you even talking about? The only person who’s going to have their hands on Ned is you.”
A laugh bubbles up my throat, part hysterical, but mostly tipsy. “Toni might object.”
“I’m serious, Cal. It’s in our contract. You’re our manager. It’s you or no one.”
“Unless you all agree to a switch,” I say, wagging a finger at him. “Which you will.”
“Like hell we will.” He jolts upright out of the chair. Crushing the piece of paper into a ball, he tosses it on the table. “I’m not going to sit back and watch you get fired because of me.”
“It’s already done, Johnny. Besides,” I continue when he tries to argue, “you’ve got bigger problems to deal with.”
That gets his attention. “What problems?”
“They’re going to try to convince you to out yourself to the world. As bisexual. Because it will solidify your brand as the queer rock band of Australia. If they can’t convince you, there was talk of leaking it to the media.”
His eyebrows launch upwards as he moves away from the table. “They would do that?”
“Arthur would,” I say with a nod. “I didn’t think my boss would ever agree to it, but she didn’t shut him down. Not entirely.”
“What a bunch of devious wankers.”
A snort of laughter falls out of me. I couldn’t agree more.
“Not that it matters now,” he adds.
I lift my gaze to where Johnny’s begun pacing the length of the kitchen counter. “What do you mean?”
He stops to look at me. “I told my parents tonight. About you. About us.”
My mouth drops open before slamming shut. “How did they take it?”
“They didn’t freak out as much as I thought they would. But then, they were still reeling from the rest of the conversation so…”
I give him a look. “The rest?”
He presses his lips together, but there’s no hiding the smile that wants to break free.
“I’m quitting the pharmacy. I’m done trying to live two lives to make other people happy.
For the first time in my life, I’m going to put what I want first.” He takes a deep breath, as if resettling within the truth of his decision.
“That means making music my first priority.”
My heart cracks. It cracks wide open in an avalanche of love and pride…
and a bone-deep despair. “That’s great news,” I whisper, trying to breathe through the pain.
“I’m so happy for you.” He’s going to fly so high, before long he’ll be out of reach.
I wanted so badly to go with him, to continue working with him and supporting him through it all.
“This is everything you’ve always wanted. You have to keep going.”
“I will,” he says with a wicked grin. “But not without you.”
Frustration tears at my gut. “You can’t have me. That’s the reality.”
“I don’t accept that reality,” he growls, dropping onto his knees in front of my chair. “Cal, you must see how perfect the timing is. Call your boss. Tell her I’ll come out, I’ll do a longer tour, whatever they want. As long as they give your job back.”
My head is already shaking before he finishes. “No. I’m not doing that.”
“Why not?” he asks, reaching out to cup my face.
“Because I’m not bloody well doing it.” Evading his hands, I stand up to put some distance between us.
“It will work,” he cries, coming to his feet. “It has to.”
“Yeah, it would work,” I snap, “because Genevieve already made me that offer, and I turned it down.”
Confusion clouds his face as he stares at me. “What are you talking about?”
“She said I could keep my job if I convinced you to do what they want. To prove my loyalty,” I add with a bitter laugh. “If I went back now, it would look like that’s exactly what I did. Manipulated you to save myself.”
“But you didn’t,” he insists in a quiet voice. “You said no and you lost everything, to protect me.”
“It wasn’t just about you. I did it so I can sleep at night and look at myself in the mirror every morning. Because I do not want to succeed by hurting the people who trust me.” Despite the cost to myself. The cost Hannah may have to help me bear. “My loyalty is not for sale.”
His jaw clenches as he stands straighter. “But you think mine is.”
“It’s not the same.”
“Bullshit.”
My eyes close as I shake my head. “You’ve earned this chance, Johnny. You deserve it.”
“And I’m supposed to, what, leave you behind?”
“Of course, you will!” I yell, throwing my arms wide. “Your tour is weeks away. Thousands of Fifth Circle fans have bought tickets and they’re expecting you to show up. Ned, Gavin, and Oz are expecting you to show up. Without Rush’s backing, all of it, the whole thing, will be cancelled.”
I see it in the widening of his eyes, the sudden intake of breath. The realisation. This has all happened so fast, he hasn’t had time yet to consider the consequences standing up for me would have on his life. On all their lives.
“Are you really going to turn your back on all the progress the four of you have made?” I ask in a deprecating tone.
“For what… me?” A wild laugh spills from my throat.
The idea my lover will ride to my rescue, charge the fortress and do battle with the villainous executives to get me reemployed is sweet.
Truly, it is. It’s also the kind of immature fantasy that was obliterated for me years ago.
Crossing to the table, I pick up the ball of paper he discarded too soon. “You’ll do what’s right for you and the band, Johnny.” I walk over to him, take his hand, and press the paper to his palm, closing his fingers around it. “Because you’re a good man and a loyal friend.”
His gaze drops to our joined hands. “No,” he growls. “This isn’t the way it’s supposed to happen.”
Maybe not, but here we are. Maybe it was inevitable from that first night.
From the second his stare prickled across my skin and our gazes met.
Our need for each other was always going to lead us here.
“I can’t say I wish we’d done things differently.
Because I wouldn’t give up a moment of what we’ve had, not for anything. ”
His hand tightens on mine and when he looks up, I glimpse the panic in his eyes. “You say that like you’re breaking up with me.”
“I’m not,” I tell him. “I’m not letting you go entirely.” I mean it. I want to be with him, more than anything. But… “I’m going to need some time. To sort my shit out and find a new job. Besides, you’ve got business to take care of with the band.”
As if on cue, a buzz sounds from his pocket. Swearing quietly, he pulls out his phone and reads the notification. “It’s Ned. He’s called everyone. They’re meeting up at Gavin’s house.”
This is it. Fifth Circle’s first meeting without me in almost a year. Will Charmaine and Toni be there? I wonder if they’ll gather around the dining table, drinking iced tea while they hash out their next steps. The steps they’ll take without me.
“You need to go.” I try to push away, but Johnny’s arms circle around me, dragging me closer.
“This isn’t over,” he whispers, his breath hot on my face. “I will fight for you.”
“Fight for yourself.” I press my lips against his, giving him what little I have left. “We’ll figure the rest out later.”
He stares into my eyes for a long moment. “I love you.”
A tremulous smile fights to overthrow my frown. “I love you, too. Everything is gonna be okay.”
The words are for me as much as him. Because it doesn’t matter how much I understand his need to move on without me. It doesn’t matter that I’m pushing him to do exactly that.
It still fucking hurts.
I want to scream and rage at him for doing this. For leaving me behind. Even as I push him to go, I want him to stay. I want him to choose me.
But I refuse to hurt him like that. I won’t lash out the way I’ve done in the past. This anger I feel will live and die with me. He deserves none of it.
“I’ll be back as soon as I’ve talked to the guys,” he says as we move towards the door.
“No, please.” I shake my head. “Give me a few days to wrap my head around everything. Just let me know how the meeting goes on Friday morning.”
I open the door, and he crosses the threshold before looking back at me. “They’re trying to take you away from us, Cal,” he says in a low voice. “They’ll have a goddamned war on their hands.”
“Don’t do anything rash. I’m sure you and Rush can work something out.”
“Yeah,” he mutters, distractedly. “Something like that.” He presses one more harsh kiss against my lips before he’s gone, the list still held tight in his hand.
Closing the door, I manage a couple of steps towards the couch before my knees give out. I sink to the floor, my vision blurring and my mouth open in silent agony. The room around me flickers in and out, switching between this and another room—empty of furniture, but crammed full of fear.
This can’t be happening. I can’t be here again.
I want to scream, but nothing comes out. My body strains, writhes, grappling with the knowledge of all that I had and have lost.
Heaving a half dozen breaths, I sit up and then stagger back to my feet. Wallowing will get me nowhere and there’s work to be done.
I need to take care of myself and my sister. The same way I always do.