Chapter Eight
I stared at the suite door for many long minutes after Vasren left.
Then I went into the bathroom and took a shower by myself.
It felt like a luxury to simply wash without someone watching or touching me.
After I was dry, I found a silk robe hanging on a wall hook and slipped it on.
With the bottom dragging behind me, I went out through the rectangular room and onto the balcony.
The sun was high in the sky. It had to be around noon. With the balcony facing the back of the house, I had the perfect view of the garden and the ocean beyond. All those pretty plants down there and the pond with its waterlilies. A pavilion. A smaller, walled-in gazebo. And one angry Dragon.
Vasren strode down the garden path and went to the gazebo at the lookout point. The gazebo walls were only hip-high on him and made of pierced teak. So, I could still see him when he sat down and put his head in his hands.
I went still, my breath catching.
It felt wrong to spy on Vas, but I needed to see this.
He was always so harsh with me. It helped to know that he was hurting too.
It was easier to remind myself that he was working through my betrayal when he displayed some pain.
At the same time, it cut me deeply to see him like that.
Especially knowing that it was my fault.
I had taken that strong Dragon heart and stomped it into mush.
I wanted to go out there and comfort Vas—tell him we could start again, that we could become something wonderful if he'd only make an effort.
But Vas had left the room for a reason. He didn't want to show me his pain, and I didn't blame him.
I hadn't enjoyed sharing my moment of weakness with him either.
It was kinder to let him deal with his emotions privately.
Let him have his pride. He deserved it. I couldn't let him catch me watching him either.
So, I went back inside and sat on the low couch, facing the balcony.
There was nothing for me to do but sit there and go over the past few days.
Or was it a week? I couldn't even remember how many days we'd been secluded in Vasren's suite.
Vasren's staff must have realized by then that their master had taken a mate. So, it would be confusing for them to see Vasren moping about the garden. Most Dragons would be celebrating now. With their mate. They wouldn't be seeking alone time near a cliff.
With a deep inhale, I squared my shoulders.
Exhaling, I released my anger and tried to think clearly.
The mating bond was established. It was done.
No going back. I could leave him, but he couldn't leave me.
That was the benefit of being a non-Dragon in a Dragon mating bond.
And I knew he had lied about dying. I may not know everything about Dragon mating magic, but I knew a Dragon wouldn't die if their mate left them—only if their mate died.
But all of that was moot because I wouldn't leave him. I loved him. I wanted this, no matter how hard it was. I wouldn't give him up, not now that we were mated. So, the question was: What did I want from Vas? What was the best result I could achieve?
The best scenario would be Vasren falling in love with the real me and petitioning the King to pardon my crimes.
“All right,” I murmured. “No problem. We can do this.”
I was the fearsome Hallaxgral who had brought a crown city to its knees. I could surely do the same with a single Dragon. I just had to make a plan. Use my intelligence instead of my heart. Vas had fallen for me before. I knew what he liked. What would endear me to him? I could play . . .
“Fuck,” I whispered and rubbed a hand over my face.
I didn't want to play another role. I wanted Vas to fall in love with the real me. And with the bond in place, he'd probably sense my dissembling anyway. The problem was—he'd seen me when we bonded, and he hadn't been moved by what he saw. In short, I wasn't good enough for him.
Well, that was no big surprise. I didn't think I was good enough for him either.
Frankly, I wasn't a very good person. I used my intelligence to manipulate others, and yes, I had murdered a lot of people.
It was justified, at least in my opinion, but that doesn't wash the stain away.
And, fuck me, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe the murders hadn't been just.
Vigilantes were seen as criminals for a reason—their actions were colored by their emotions, and emotions can make you behave irrationally.
What vigilantes thought of as justice was often as evil as the acts they sought vengeance for.
That's why the Talons and the Courts of Teeth were so important.
They were meant to apprehend criminals and judge them without prejudice.
Normally, it worked. But the Talons and Teeth had failed my family.
They failed a lot of families. So I became a judge and executioner.
I became Hallaxgral, and even though he was only a mask I wore, parts of him seeped through.
Hallaxgral's cold cruelty had altered the innocent I once was.
That alteration must be soul-deep for Vas to take one look and reject me, his mate.
I would have left him again to give us both a fresh start if not for the mating bond.
Even though Vas would survive our separation, it would be excruciating, and I couldn't do that to him.
But I wouldn't live like this either. Maybe I was a criminal, a villain, but I was his only mate.
That gave me an advantage with him. I wouldn't give in to doubt or depression.
That would only ensure a miserable future for us both.
I had to rethink this. Form a plan. I had targeted Vas once with cool calculation and won his heart.
This time, I plan with a cool head, but target him with love.
Decision made, I leaned back and let my mind focus inward. I pushed aside my emotions to let reason take the reins. Questions arose. How could I work this situation to my advantage? How could I ease Vasren past his fury and back into love? And how could I do it while remaining true to who I was?
That was the problem. Could I manipulate him?
Absolutely. I could put on a mask and play a role with ease.
But I didn't know how to seduce a man as myself.
Maybe because I didn't have confidence in myself as a seductive person.
Before I went to Kochan, my lovers had all seduced me.
Even when I decided on Vasren, I orchestrated things for him to notice me and then play the hunter.
I had never been the seducer. And this wasn't about lust. I had to seduce Vas with love.
So far, I had failed miserably at it. So, before I did anything, I needed to analyze what had happened between us and weed out my mistakes.
As hard as it was to do while keeping myself emotionally aloof, I relived our interactions since Vas had taken me from Tabaa.
I saw him reject me over and over. Saw him pour his hatred into me.
Saw the way I responded by apologizing, begging, and bowing to his will.
Where had I gone wrong? I showed him true regret in all the ways I could think of, and he still pushed me away.
Maybe I needed to figure out who I was first. Who was I?
It would be easier to establish who I wasn't. I wasn't a meek, fragile flower to be protected.
Nor was I a criminal mastermind who had rained terror upon a city.
I was somewhere in between. Vas had been obsessed with the flower.
Now, he was obsessed with the criminal, just in a horrible way.
How did I take him from that old obsession based on a lie, past the furious obsession based on heartbreak, and into real affection?
How do you make a man love the real you?
You had to become worthy of his love.
The thought expelled the air from my lungs. The only way to become worthy of Vasren's love was to make amends for what I'd done. Not for the criminal behavior—that wouldn't be honest, since I didn't regret any of it. No, I needed to make amends for what I'd done to him. But how?
“Come on, Katai. You're brilliant,” I muttered to myself.
“You can figure this out. A heart is just another puzzle.
You've pieced Vasren together before. What can you do to make him see that you truly repent your actions and have changed?
How can you show him that you're willing to do whatever it takes to prove your love to him?”
Maybe the way to reparation was playing a role after all. But I'd do it openly. I'd give Vasren what he thought he wanted and, hopefully, he'd see that he didn't want it anymore. The falsity would weigh on him. He'd want to accept the real me.
“Or he'll want me to wear a mask forever,” I whispered.
That was the chance I had to take.
As if the Gods had heard me, Vasren returned seconds after I had made that decision.
I saw him enter the room out of the corner of my eye and bent my head to compose myself.
What would Kat do if he had angered Vasren?
It wasn't that hard to slip back into the role of the meek lover.
Being submissive is easy. You just pretend that you're scared of everything.
You cowered and obeyed the one who protected you.
You gave them what they wanted. Not hard at all.
Having the courage to be someone I wasn't—now, there was the difficulty.
Especially now that Vasren had glimpsed the real me.
Vasren came to stand before me. I saw his boots, but I didn't lift my head.
“What's this now?” he demanded. “You're not going to look at me?”
I lifted my face, feeling the mask settle into place, my features going soft and yielding.
“I'm sorry, Vas. I hate myself for hurting you.
I have to make amends, and I don't want to be that man anymore.
So, I'm going to be the man you want me to be. I hope it will show you how genuine my regret is and how much I love you. Nothing else has gotten through to you. Maybe your little Kat can.”
Vasren's face twitched. His breath sawed in and out. His lips trembled. “You . . . you're going to . . .what? You're going to pretend to be—”
“Not pretend,” I cut him off. “Kat is a mask I wear, but he's also a part of me, just like your dragon is a part of you that can rise and transform you into something else. I can be him for you. Whatever you want, Vas.” I stood up and let the robe slide off my shoulders.
“I can be the mate you want me to be. If you let me.”
His breath shuddered out of him as he yanked me into his arms. “Kat,” he whispered.
Why the fuck did this hurt so much? A minute as Kat, a few lines spoken meekly, and he softened? I'd been offering my true self to him for days, and Vas only responded with hatred and aggression. Oh, but little Kat, his little Kat, was his dream mate. This truly was what Vas wanted.
I didn't hide my tears this time. I was too broken by his eager acceptance of my offer.
His embrace had sliced my heart in two. I don't know what I expected.
At least some resistance. Some scorn. Something to show that he didn't want an act from me.
That he wanted the truth. But that's not what he wanted.
It's not what anyone wants. Most people would rather live a lie that brings them pleasure than an uncomfortable truth.
So, I became the lie. I let my tears fall and let Vas see them because that's what Kat would do.
He wouldn't try to hide his weakness. He'd display it.
He'd use it as proof of who he was. Katai Gral never used tears against his lovers, but Kat did.
He used them well. They spoke for him. Look at me, Vas, I fall apart at the offer of your forgiveness.
I crumple in your arms in regret. I am nothing without you.
Your little Kat. Protect me. Love me. Forgive me. I'm nothing without you.
And never see the real me inside this broken shell.
Vas picked me up, cradled me in his arms, and carried me to bed.